The only sticking point appears to be the war between Waterford and Tipperary residents over the ‘holy land’ of Carrick-on-Suir. It is believed the blessed virgin Mary appeared to Sean Kelly whilst on a training ride in 1980.

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RTE’s new satirical show ‘This is Nightlive’ has debuted to mixed reactions from the public. “I thought it was great”, said one man, while another said “It was a bit shit really”.

The spoof news show has been compared to The Day Today and Brass Eye. “That’s like comparing Maser to Banksy”, said one writer to popular message board, bores.ie.

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A Co Carlow man has been accused of 76 counts of sexual assualt, against a statue. Roy Griffin was repeatedly filmed rubbing up and down against a statue of Wolfe Tone in the Gimpy Arms bar on Tullow Street.

He will appear in court next Tuesday week charged with ‘aggravated frottage’.

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Ray Shah - pictured during his prison days

Former Republic of Ireland manager Steve Staunton has been appointed manager of Supermacs, main street Drogheda.

“I’m the gaffer”, he repeatedly told unhappy workers and his plans to cut shifts and pay have seen unions threaten strike action.

“I’m sure we can convince everyone what we’re doing is in the best interests of the company”, said Staunton’s assistant Ian Harte.

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Big Brother contestant Ray Shah has been appointed Head of News at TV3. Station bosses say he’ll bring a new ’spunk and energy to what has become a rather staid part of television’.

“I’ve got all kinds of deadly ideas”, said the Vin Diesel lookalike in the Shelbourne Hotel yesterday. “Wally of the week, Celebrity Spa-off and the Brian Dowling Gayometer will hit your screens shortly. Wicked!”

In a bid to save the failing company, who posted losses of €40 just last week, it has been decided to move the entire weather operation to WKBC in Kansas whose weathermen will record specially localised versions of their bulletins for the Irish market.

It is expected that this will save TV3 millions every year as the specially modified suits to cover Martin King’s belly cost upwards of €100,000 each. And a new wide-angled lens is required once a week.

Keane: Desperately ringing for new work

Fans of girly entertainment show Exposé will also be disappointed as Lorraine Keane and the rest of her make-up caked coven will be made redundant. With the vast majority of the mindless fluff on the show coming from Hollywood TV3 executives have hired Candice Cruise, an actress and part-time waitress from Hooters on Ventura Boulevard, to take over.

The flagship morning show, Ireland AM, has not escaped the cuts either. Despite its large audience, often reaching double figures, it is felt that the number of people involved is too high. As such every segment will now be presented by Mark Cagney with Aidan Cooney taking over as the Odlums lady.

Insiders aren’t happy though with one anonymous TV3 presenter telling us “Ahh, howya?! Are ya well? This is a disgrace, so it is. They can’t treat us like this. It’s immoral and we won’t stand for it. Before I go any further a big ‘Hi!’ to Marie from Borris in Ossory who’s 74 today and that’s from your grandson Sean who drew this lovely picture of a duck.

The viewers won’t like these Americans doing our jobs. They want Irish people on an Irish TV channel”, he winked, making sure he didn’t turn side on to the camera.

A TV3 boss responded, saying “It seems the only way to save the company from going into liquidation is to cut costs and with cheaper labour costs and better access to Z-list celebrities the US is always going to be at an advantage. It’s unfortunate for our staff but we have to think of the bigger picture”.

But media expert Lance Screener told the Irish Sentinel he didn’t think such cuts were a necessity. “Oh, TV3 could survive quite easily. They just want to get rid of some of the dead wood and don’t have the balls to tell them they’re crap”.

This news comes just weeks after the winter schedule was announced with stand-out shows like ‘George Hook’s speedo challenge‘ and ‘seX-Factor‘, a show designed to find Ireland’s most entertaining genitalia, now in serious doubt.

Producer Tinneas Fiacaile said yesterday: ‘Each week will see Gary the Death Gerbil visit a community and become embroiled in a trifling domestic problem. After resolving the issue with a series of charming squeaks and cute gerbilish wiggling, our hero, using his awesome mind-control powers, will cause the protagonists to horribly butcher each other in a variety of ways until all lie eviscerated in their own faeces. Gary will then move on down the lonely road.’

Gaiety School of Acting graduate Michael Hay as Gary

In a major coup, TV3 have obtained the talents of David Gray to pen the sad closing credits music.

Fiacaile continued: ‘I believe that we have discovered an original template that will appeal to the whole family, from Granny to Baby, trapped and bitter parent to Ritalin-riddled child.  There will even be something in there for the Columbine-obsessed teenager in the house!’

Responding to concerns that there may not be enough actors in Ireland to populate 40 episodes of nihilistic carnage the producer politely snapped: ‘Are you fucking kidding me? Have you been anywhere near The Fringe Festival? There are thousands of those fuckers and most of them will work for free. It’s only a pity we can’t kill the filthy layabouts in real life.’

A reality based version of the drama is said to be in the pipeline.