You heard the man

I’ll keep this brief.  We’re big fans of Apple hardware here in Sentinel Towers. Corns uses a Macbook Pro to organise cannibal deathmatches in Liberia. I myself cruise the information pornohighway from time-to-time using one, but never without a microwaved pomelo close by. We have faith in Apple’s ability to produce a great operating system in a great computer. It fills the gap better than anything else.

Steve Jobs recently said: “We want to kick off 2010 by introducing a truly magical and revolutionary new product”

Okay, great! Blow my fucking mind, Steve! Show me the magic! Knock my stripey socks off with the Che Guevaraness of it all!

What do we get? A super-sized iPhone?

No doubt the fat fuckers will be queuing up outside the Apple Store in New York, waving for the CNN cameras while their douchebaggery is broadcasted across every continent, forking over their hundreds of dollars for something they couldn’t possibly need.

But don’t worry. Thy God Steve still gets paid. He needs the money for the diamond encrusted toilet seat he sits on as he takes a truly magical and revolutionary new dump every morning.

Apple go back to basics as hype machine kicks into action

Nicknamed the iSlate it is set to revolutionise communication, networking and and e-reading. Some of the features of the new device include:

• Ecological and environmentally friendly ‘chalk’ with which to write. No faulty touch screens, no copy & paste disasters, just easy to use and easy to wipe away limestone based scribblings
• Top of the range Egyptian slate with revolutionary anti-scratch covering built in
• Battery free! Costs nothing to run
• Comes with rugged wooden border on which all manner of books, magazines, newspaper and periodicals can be supported
• Fully upgradable
• Absolutely no need to ever upgrade
• Highly portable, weighing only .75 kilos
• Wifi, 3G, Edge and 4G compatible (with separately sold iPhone add-on)
• Free wiping cloth

Apple disciple Dicky Bannister told the Irish Sentinel, “Steve Jobs, or should I say Goddy McGod, does it again. While all the others go for unecessary bells and whistles like operating systems, electronics and downloadable content, he’s gone back to basics. And the design? I have to admit that I a bit of jizz came out when I saw it. Not a full splodging, but definitely a bit of stuff that wasn’t quite wee, wasn’t quite spunk. To me that’s the sign this is going to be a huge success”.

Apple plans to sell over 5,000,000 of them in the first week basing its figures entirely on the hype generated by how long people have had to wait for it and a flashy Powerpoint presentation by a man in a black polo neck in front of a select audience later this afternoon.

It is also expected the company will announce a new device aimed at pirates, known only at this stage as the iAye.

Leaked picture of new Apple netbook

Apple nerds across the globe today were whipped into a frenzy of flubbery joy following the publication of leaked photos of the Cupertino company’s brand new notebook (pictured).

The images appeared on the web just days before Apple’s October 14th media event where Steve ‘El Savior’ Jobs is expected to reveal a hotly anticipated sub-$800 notebook.

Through various contacts on IRC, 4chan and MS Comic Chat, The Irish Sentinel has obtained a document outlining the complete technical specs of the new netbook, as follows:

CPU: NEC V30 running at 8MHz
RAM: 512 KB
Screen: Monochrome Green LCD
Resolution: 320×200
Storage: 4MB internal HDD
Optical drive: none
I/O: RS232 serial port
Power: 8 Ever Ready ‘Blue Seal’ batteries
Operating system: LisaOS
Communication: 9600 baud acoustic coupler

In conjunction with a revolutionary manufacturing process that enables Apple to carve the new laptop cases out of raw chunks of bakelite, Jobs hopes to take a slice out of the burgeoning netbook market currently dominated by Altair, Commodore and Sinclair.

It is hoped the new computer will enable users to increase their smugtivity by a factor of ten under normal operating circumstances, and by up to one thousand whilst sitting in Starbucks mulling over a venti mocha.

: We asked what Tommy Dumpvalve, a disgraced scoutmaster from Termonfeckin, thinks of the new computer
Download audio file (apple_netbook.mp3)