The North Korean Premier hopes to croon his way around any number of meaningless UN resolutions to secure a live performance in the BBC this September with a rendition of the Lionel Richie classic: ‘Herro, is it me youl rooking fol?’

Music industry experts were quick to ask: “All this for an Asian joke about ‘L’s and ‘R’s?” which prompted the response: ‘you betcha, its raff out roud funny’. The US State Department welcomed the move and Hillary Clinton was quick to support the development of an Axis of Soft Rock between North Korea and Iran, when it emerged that Iranian President Ahmadinejad was a big Kings of Leon fan. 

“This sex is on fffiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiire,” hummed President Ahmadinejad, who also claims to be a fan of Prince, Christina Aguillera and Right Said Fred. “Oh yes! I’m… too sexy for this Mosque… too sexy for Israel… too sexy for this Burqha-derka-derka-derka…” 

Another surprise hit with Arab leaders is Northern Irish sex-toy, Eoghan Quigg, as Ahmadinejad explains: 

“I always wanted to go to bed with a 16-year-old boy who vaguely reminds me of Harvey Keitel.. or Martin Scorsese. What’s not to like?? My grandfather would have killed for those eyebrows.”   

Each share provides €1,256 worth of the bad debt of Anglo’s loan book which holders will be required to pay back to the exchequer by the end of October 2010.

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A new musical to raise awareness of child abuse begins tonight at the Tivoli Theatre. “Stop touching my special area” will star Twink, Mick Lally and Saoirse Ronan and tells the story of a little girl who is being abused by her grandfather and when she tells her grandmother discovers that the old lady is a predatory, incestuous lesbian.

The music for the show has been specially written by Andrea Corr and the lead singer of The Four of Us.

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Muslims are subjected to more racist abuse than any other group in Ireland, according to a survey by the National Anti-Racism Board.

“We think it’s because they have stupid beards and wear smocks”, said a spokesperson.

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Gardai fear Ireland’s first serial killer is on the loose after a spate of murders in Limerick. Forty-three people have been killed since last Tuesday and it is feared a disgruntled Dell employee is to blame.

“We’d just like to send a message to whoever’s doing this killings”, said Detective Sergeant Malachy Selby, “and the message is: it’s much easier to kill people in Poland and far more cost effective”.

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An Eircom official told colleagues they should think of music piracy as ‘sharing’ and “helping the health and good living of rich cocaine sniffing rock stars by leaving them with less free money to spend on sex and drugs, the High Court heard today.

“We need to reach a decision on how we are going to handle this,” the email said. “PS ‘piracy’ is a loaded term. Could we say ‘sharing‘- ‘piracy’ implies there’s something wrong with it.”

Erm…

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Kathryn Thomas - the queen of Carlow

The stars of In Bruges Brendan Gleeson and Colin Farrell are set to star in a follow-up to the hit movie. In Portumna will see them reprise their roles as hitmen at the 25th anniversary of the Boy Scout Jamboree. Farrell will fall in love with In Tua Nua singer Leslie Dowdall only to discover he’s being paid to kill and eviscerate her. A fun rom-com for all the family.

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British Prime Minister Gordon Brown has conceded that invading India would be a good way to increase the price of Sterling. “You can trace this current financial meltdown back to when the Empire began to shrink”, he said. Opponents of the scheme, who include Phil Collins and cricketer Sachin Tendulkar, have called on Brown to rethink.

“If this goes ahead”, said Tendulkar, “we will withdraw all of our franchised restaurants and takeaways from the UK. Then we’ll see who’s got the power”.

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There’s a bake sale taking place in Our Lady of the Immaculate Rectum in Santry this weekend to raise money for the Irish Society of Blind Dolphins. Everyone is welcome apart from tuna fishermen.

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RTE’s Kathryn Thomas has been awarded the freedom of Bagenalstown.

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George W Bush has pleaded for leniency for Iraqi journalist Muntadar al-Zaidi, who threw his shoes at the US President last week. “If it had been one of them there stilton shoes with the pointy heel then sure, lock the guy up for life, but these were flat soled loafers. He was just trying to make a point”

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Finally, union chiefs have advised all Aer Lingus staff to ‘do their utmost’ to prevent a Ryanair takeover the company. “We have looked long and hard at this”, said Stewart Shop of SIPTU, “and finally we have damning evidence. Using the awesome power of the internet we have deduced that an anagram of ‘Michael O’Leary Aer Lingus’ is ‘Hilariously large menace’.

We don’t necessarily find him hilarious but there’s doubting the largeness of his menaceosity”.

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Irish poultry producers are ‘living in fear’ according to one chicken farmer. “If people think the stuff being fed to pigs and cattle is bad, wait till they find out what shite we give the birds. It’s mostly gravel and pieces of irradiated foam”.

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Irish Bloggers have come together to produce a book which aims to help the homeless problem in Dublin city. “I’m hoping”, said one of the organisers, “that we can raise enough money to have these people killed once and for all. Lazy fuckers”.

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Crazy Hansard: "Would you get out of me face. I'm just trying to buy some bin bags."

Riots continued in Greece after a young man was shot dead and government used the furore to rush through a legislative change without opposition. Anal sex has been banned under punishment of prison but Yannis Gianakopolis, who took to the streets in opposition, said “This is the very foundation of Greek society and they have destroyed it. We will not give up until our rights to chocolate mining are restored”.

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A County Carlow woman was held hostage in her own home last night after the monkey on the box of Coco Pops came alive and ‘went fuckin’ mental’. Gardai were called to the scene with vets from Dublin Zoo but the stand-off continued until specially trained army forces shot the rampant simian dead.

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Further token arrests have been made in the O’Kane murder case. Gardai spokesman Prionsias McDenny says “We like to give the public the impression that we are doing all we can, so we’re arresting every 13 year old scumbag in a hoodie we can find. We’ll let them all go, of course, as nobody is going to go to jail for this. We’d like to arrest the parents but they’re in the middle of an ongoing state-sponsored methadone program.”

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Oscar winner Glen Hansard spotted in Blanchardstown shopping center buying bin liners. Could new love be on the horizon?

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Davina McCall will present another series of UK Big Brother in 2009, though viewing figures are expected to be lower than last year’s total of 31. In other entertainment news, Jim Bowen will begin a new presenter role on T4 in February.

Three children under the age of ten who were in the bike shop at the time are undergoing counselling at Our Lady of the Sacred Heart of the Sweet Crucified Jesus General in Ardee.

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Motorists are being warned to be on the lookout for a gang of youths who are suspected of a series of carjackings in Drogheda. Reports say they wait until a car is stopped at traffic lights before demanding the keys at gunpoint. It is thought they blend into the surroundings, looking exactly like normal passers-by, before they make their move.

A description has been issued and people should be wary of four black men wearing low slung jeans, basketball tops, baseball caps on backwards, gold chains and gleaming white trainers.

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A record crowd is expected at this weekend’s melon bowling contest in Ballymun. The annual event, which raises money for people paralysed by being struck on the head by a melon dropped from the top floor of one of the flats before they got knocked down, promises to be a fun day out for all the family.

Other events will include the Ghost Shopping-trolley, a crack baby sale and a caged happy slapping bout featuring celebrities such as BP Fallon, Gavin Friday and 2FM DJs Rick O’Shea and Josef Fritzl.

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