Palin - hotter than hell itself

A devout Christian, who believes in creationism, Palin was convinced that her faith in the almighty would be rewarded with victory and is now, apparently, so embittered of her treatment by God that she is set to snub him in the worst possible way and worship the devil instead.

An insider told us “She was absolutely furious and could not understand why God had allowed the mulatto, terrorist Muslim to win the election instead of her. She took it as a very personal affront and got down on her knees shrieking ‘Damn you, God. Damn you all to hell’.

She then went on the internet to check the Marilyn Manson homepage which gives full details and workable spells about how to change from Christianity to Satanism. Within twenty minutes she had sold her soul to the Devil in return for a two-term presidency starting in 2012. Her advisors were distraught”.

Palin was also believed to be unhappy at God for allowing the media to continually refer to Obama as an African-American without referencing her own interracial qualities. As the results became clear last night she was heard to say “It’s all Obama black this, Obama black that. I’m half white, half caucasian but you didn’t hear me bleating on and on about getting votes from Chinatown”.

She follows in the footsteps of Ronald Reagan and Richard Nixon who both traded their souls for spells in the White House – although it’s believed Reagan’s was returned to his wife Nancy in 1997 after a series of summit meetings between her and the prince of darkness in Iceland.

Say a little prayer for Obama's dead Granny

Karl Rove, advisor to George Bush, said “This is quite obviously a stunt by Obama camp. They release news about his grandmother dying and all of a sudden every person who ever had a grandmother is going to vote for him. I bet she’s sitting in her hut in Haiti, doing voodoo on some poor unsuspecting victim, drinking the fresh blood of a recently killed chicken, and cackling like Aunt Jemima herself. I’d put any money you want on her being alive and well”.

The Democrats have issued a statement calling Rove’s remarks “crass beyond belief. This kind of electioneering might be acceptable to the Republican Party but to suggest we might fake the death of a very sick, elderly lady is beyond the pale”.

Fox News presenter Sean Hannity was also dubious about the timing of the announcement. “It’s all very convenient, isn’t it? One day before the vote she just happens to pop her clogs and who gets all the sympathy? Her grandson, that’s who. And he just happens to be running for President that very day. What a coincidence! Unless they show us a death cert or a YouTube video of her corpse then I think we’re right to be dubious”.

Americans go to the polls tomorrow with the Illinois senator the clear favourite over John McCain and special-needs running mate Sarah Palin who further dented their standing by claiming her labia had more foreign policy experience than Barack Obama.

“Bukkake is not foreign policy experience”, explained former President Jimmy Carter who will be supplying the peanuts at polling booths tomorrow.

Crazy World if McCain gets in, says Dignam

The Finglas troubadour has become renowned for his political insight and analysis – and has backed the winning candidate in the last five elections. It is now believed that many of the undecided voters will sway towards Obama having waited for the singer’s pre-election statement. This is known in American political circles as The Dignam Effect.

Speaking to CNN he said “I’ve thought long and hard about this and for me there’s only one choice. It’s got to be Obama. Let’s face it, McCain is a bleedin’ spanner and yer wan Palin is about as intelligent as Bosco. I was debating this very point with Simon Carmody the other night over a few scoops in The Long Hall. He claimed that McCain and Palin was the only choice for America if it wanted to be taken seriously but I just said ‘Look you, you’ve been wearing a leopard skin coat around town for years. What do you know about being taken seriously, ya fuckin’ spoon?”

With the November 4th poll drawing closer by the day it now seems that Obama’s lead is unassailable, especially as McCain’s campaign is being continuously hampered by running mate Sarah Palin’s gaffes. In an interview with Fox News Palin referred to Obama as “that terror nigger” and claimed to have more foreign policy experience than Henry Kissinger simply because she’d won a game of Risk the night before.

She also caused outrage amongst women’s groups across America when asked about the feminist movement. She claimed that under her command the suffragettes would increase the number of flights they carry out and would target Iraqi insurgent bases to put an end to the conflict in the region once and for all.

There’s an entrance fee of €5 for which you will receive a salmon sandwich and kitchen towel for wiping. All funds raised will be going to build a new donkey sanctuary and organisers say marshmallows will be handed out for toasting when the bodies are being burned in the giant Miley Byrne shaped wicker man at the finale.

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Alan Molloy, Dublin

A County Wexford man has been jailed for four years at the Central Criminal Court today in Dublin for impersonating Pat Kenny. Forty-six year old Alan Molloy underwent years of painful plastic surgery to make himself look identical to the Late, Late Show host. On the premise of coming home for his lunch the fake Pat Kenny made love to the real Pat Kenny’s wife on twenty-four separate occasions, resulting in 63 orgasms and a badly stained couch.

Judge Grandmaster Flash called his actions ‘reprehensible’ but understood why he’d done it as Mrs Kenny was a MILF and a half.

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There were raucous celebrations in Manorhamilton, Co Leitrim, as the town formally announced its twinning with Wasilla, Alaska last night. A symbolic key was sent to the mayor of each town and in a video link up they consumated the union by eviscerating an abortion doctor live on the web before devouring his flesh and guzzling his blood out of stone goblets.

Wasilla is famous for being the town where Sarah Palin cut her political teeth and one local described it as a real honour to be associated with such a godless cunt.

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Finally, a Kenyan man who made headlines last month after his wedding to a goat has filed for divorce after he discovered his new bride had been having an affair with Billy Bob Thornton. The former husband of Angelina Jolie sent explicit texts, such as ‘Oh im gonna suk the milk right out of ur teats’.

A spokesman for the actor denied the claims but it came too late to save the goat’s life as she was roasted (over a fire) after being hanged in the town hall square.

Palin tackling Alaskan tribal sovereignty issues

Following her purchase of ‘My First Atlas’ from Amazon last week, Alaskan backwater governor and vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin is reaching out to America’s christian allies across the globe.

In a press conference earlier today, she praised the catholic church in Ireland for their hard-line stance on abortion.

Palin, increasingly known for her repulsion of logic, claimed that God himself rode down on a flaming white horse from heaven to deliver a message to the people of Ireland. In this message he declared that Irish catholics would not be ‘left below’ when the rapture comes, thanks to their  position on abortion, contraception, gays, Joe Duffy, more gays, and Bourneville biscuits.

The non-believers however would be subject to a fiery and brutal death at the hands of the dark one, followed by an agonising eternity of Ryan Confidential repeats in hell.

Even worse news was in store for the liberal elite of Balbriggan where an Iranian restaurant opened it’s doors for business last week.

Palin claims that God informed her, through the medium of burnt toast, that the sleepy north Dublin suburb would be wiped off the face of the earth by a meteor in 2010 as punishment for harbouring, what she calls, the “brown curse”.

Turning her attention to issues in the north, the buxom VPILF expressed further concern over scientific claims that the Giants Causeway was formed over 23 million years ago.

Following an earlier consultation with her personal witch-doctor, she promised that the merciful lord above would deliver a plague of annoying, pee-smelling locusts to Antrim unless the records were immediately changed to state, irrefutably, that God had built the causeway 4000 ago years as a shelter for ancient Celtic dinosaur hunters.