Keane celebrated his move to Parkhead in typical fashion

Robert “Robbie” Keane, from Tallaght in South Dublin, signed a 6 month deal with the club with the view to a permanent move in the summer. Speaking to the Irish Sentinel this morning Keane explained exactly how the move came about.

“Well, I was up in the Square just blemmin’ around an’ lookin’ at the gear in Champion Sports an’ this fella rang me up and told me Celtic were after goin’ in for me an’ that. So I says “Ask me bleedin’ hoop, Spoony”, coz I thought it was me mate Spoony playing the tricks an’ that, but it turns out it was me agent an’ I didn’t even know I had one.

He says “Robbie, Celtic want ya. They’re offering £100,000 a week and all the training gear you can carry in a holdall”. I didn’t even have to think twice. I went straight home, packed up me xBox, me JayZ CDs and me trainers, and hopped on the first flight to Glasgow. I can’t believe it!”.

A Celtic spokeman said “We believe the signing of this young man will help us catch those dirty protestants in the league. Obviously he’s a fantastic talent and the fact that he already has every Celtic jersey, home and away, for the last 12 seasons made him a hugely attractive proposition for us”.

Keane, a lifelong Celtic fan, like 98% of people who spend their days in betting shops, could make his debut this weekend. Up until now he’s been playing for Tymon Rovers in the Leinster Senior League (Sundays), but Keane and Celtic are confident that he can cope with dropping down a few levels to play in the SPL.

We wish him luck.

The former Spurs and Wolves and Coventry and Inter Milan and Fettercairn Rovers player has failed to acclimatise to life in Liverpool after spending most of his life in areas of much higher civilisation.

Getting closer - Keane celebrates his two yard miss against Hull

A source close to the player said “Robbie just can’t get to grips with Merseyside life. It’s like a foreign country for him -  he feels battered like Jamie Bulger at the moment. He’s struggled with the language for a start. He just can’t understand a word people are saying and they haven’t got a clue either when he speaks in that thick, Dublin brogue of his.

Then there’s the food. When you go from eating Funghi Trifolati followed by Gamberi Calamari Livornese with a handmade Tiramisu it’s hard to cope with ‘Southern Fried Poppin’ chicken’ and Beef Roast TV dinners from Iceland.

But he’s hopeful that things will get better in 2009. A player from abroad usually takes about 6 months to settle into life  in the Premier League and he’s sure that by the end of February he’ll be back to his best”.

So far this season Keane has missed open goals from 7 yards, 5 yards, 3 yards and, in the FA Cup game against Preston, failed to score from less than 2 inches in front of goal.

It has caused Liverpool manager Rafa Benitez to wonder if the £20m he spent on Keane was worth it although critics of the Spaniard will say that if he spent £7m on Italian Andrea Dossena then Keane is actually worth somewhere in the region of £98,655,000,000,000.

Carragher realises too late his house is gone

In what appears to be an escalation in matters though defender Jamie Carragher called police after coming home and finding his entire house had been taken, with his wife and children still inside.

A police spokesman said “To say this is taking it to the next level would be to underestimate matters. It’s one thing taking a Zidane shirt or replica of a league title winners medal but to literally take the house up out of its foundations is entirely another. We suspect they loaded it onto the back of a flat-bed truck and took off with it.

We would urge anybody who has seen anything suspicious to get in touch with us. For example, if you look out the window of your council house in Toxteth and see a mock Tudor mansion that wasn’t there before then please give us a call”.

A friend of Carragher, said to be distraught at the loss of his Playstation3 which had his Metal Gear Solid 4 save game on it, told us “He’s offering a big reward to get his stuff, and less importantly his family, back. He can accept the loss of his wife, they come ten a penny, but he was nearly at the end of MGS4 and he’d built up his stats massively on the ‘Be a pro’ mode in FIFA 09. What kind of a heartless bastard would take that away from a man?”

The robberies, believed to be carried out by a gang headed by former Everton star Danny Cadamarteri, have plagued Liverpool players for the last two years. Within months of joining the club goalkeeper Pepe Reina had his house broken into with a priceless Joan Miro portrait taken, it was later found hanging on the wall of the Birkenhead Working Men’s club.

And Irishman Robbie Keane had mementos with great sentimental value stolen from his home, including the mallet used to bash his head square when he was a young footballer playing on the streets of Tallaght.