“Who the fuck is she kidding with her stupid face and her crap mullet? She has about as much to do with republicanism as the new Lexus ISS220d.,” said one taxi driver.

With ‘Toodle-Lou’ out of the picture, the role of irksome, gobby Dublin-based fem-bot politician falls to the comically named Lucinda Creighton. Opponents of the FG dung beetle have repeatedly drawn attention her online namesake, a star of many DIY-themed pornography features. One such film, ‘Loose-inda and the incinerator’, sees our girl fight valiantly against a realistic plan for waste management only to be triple-penetrated by three black men, before almost choking to death in a torrent of jism.

Indeed, it’s a tough period for women politicians of every hue and it now seems certain that Minister for saying ‘fuck’ too much, Mary Coughlan, will be moved away from the rather important role of finding jobs for the country and right into the Department of Justice. When questioned on how appropriate it might be to have a Minister from Donegal in Justice in light of the Morris Tribunal, Coughlan said:

“Lick the f*****g c** out of my juicy f*****g f***hole you dirty f*****g a**eater!”

Nevertheless, media remained focused on the Tánaiste’s low profile as Fine Gael made huge grounds in the local elections. But experts say it remains to be seen whether a generation of new political hopefuls have shot their load too early by plumping for the blue-shirts during Fianna Fáil’s darkest hour. One political analyst explains:

“The essential difference between Fianna Fáil and Fine Gael is principles – Fine Gael have them and Fianna Fáil don’t. What voters conveniently forget is that a democracy gives you the politicians you deserve and previous elections clearly show us that principles are a burden at the ballot. This is why Fine Gael never get elected – they refuse to swallow their fairly crap principles and they can’t compete with Fianna Fáil, the party most likely to respond to the question ‘what is you name’ with the answer ‘what do you want it to be?”

“We had Bertie and the PDs and then Bertie the Socialist, all delivered without a hint of irony. This is possible because the national electorate is largely made up of queue-skipping, back-handed, scratch-my-back, selfish, cheating Irish people who see the application of rules as a direct affront to their ‘unconquerable’ charm. And then we all wonder where the support for Fianna Fáil comes from.”

“When the current downturn passes, a lot of rookie political blood will be spilt as the nation adopts its more comfortable position of ‘fuck the greater good, what can you do for ME?’ and we can expect Fianna Fáil to claw back a lot of ground in that environment.”

Not content with simply withdrawing support for the government the Dublin North-Central TD has promised supporters that he’ll give the Minister for Health the ‘kicking she deserves’. A friend of McGrath’s told the Irish Sentinel, “He is spewing over the medical card issue, like any right minded person, but for him this is the straw that broke the camel’s back. After the session yesterday he went after Harney bull-headed in the corridors of Leinster House and claimed her. He kept pushing her in the chest and saying ‘Come on then. Come on. Fight me. Come on, chicken. Are you chicken?’, before making squawking noises and flapping his arms like a farmyard bird.

Harney to avoid being a Joey

It was a very tense scene. All the other TDs, led by Enda Kenny, were standing around shouting ‘A-G, A-G-R, A-G-R-O, AGRO!’ but Harney was having none of it. Finian told her to meet him outside the Dail bar at 4pm where they’d have a scrap in front of everyone”.

It remains to be seen whether or not the Minister will turn up or whether she’ll be a cowardy-custard – but insiders tell us that if she doesn’t fight she’ll be putting the final nail in her political coffin. “People can tolerate somebody being absolutely terrible at their job. This is Ireland, after all. But if she doesn’t at least try to duff up McGrath then she’s going to look like a complete Joey Deacon and nobody is ever going to vote for a Joey, despite his kitsch value these days”.

If the bout of inter-party fisticuffs does go ahead it will be the first time a Minister has taken on an Independent since Ray Burke wedgied Tony Gregory in 1986 and then bent his arm behind his back until the Dublin Central TD was forced to ’submit’. Gregory calmly waited years for his revenge, having Burke thrashed by inner-city prison guards when he was jailed in 2005 for irregularties in his tax returns.

With just two sitting TDs, Minister for Plague Mary Harney, and Noel Grealish, famous more for being the adoptive father of former Republic of Ireland star Tony Grealish, the outlook was bleak. From the dizzying heights of Dessie O’Malley, Liz O’Donnell and Michael McDowell the PDs stock has never been lower.

However, in a revolutionary move it is believed that party leaders met with American rap superstar Sean Combs and will relaunch themselves next month as the PDiddies. An insider, who asked not to be named, said “It’s the only way we could survive. We are confident that we can secure more seats in the next general election on a ticket of rap, guns, a questionable fashion label and a far-right wing view on immigration. Members will be asked to vote on the merger at the party conference, held upstairs in the Ha’apenny Inn, next week but we don’t foresee any problems”.

It will be the very first link-up between an Irish political party and a musical act although the Socialist Workers Party’s attempts to join Bagatelle on a six-week tour of Ireland proved to the be downfall of Proinsias de Rosa in 1989. More recently a poli-sport association was mooted by the second largest party in the country but Arsenal’s left back refused to lend his name to Fine Gael Clichy.