The North Korean Premier hopes to croon his way around any number of meaningless UN resolutions to secure a live performance in the BBC this September with a rendition of the Lionel Richie classic: ‘Herro, is it me youl rooking fol?’

Music industry experts were quick to ask: “All this for an Asian joke about ‘L’s and ‘R’s?” which prompted the response: ‘you betcha, its raff out roud funny’. The US State Department welcomed the move and Hillary Clinton was quick to support the development of an Axis of Soft Rock between North Korea and Iran, when it emerged that Iranian President Ahmadinejad was a big Kings of Leon fan. 

“This sex is on fffiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiire,” hummed President Ahmadinejad, who also claims to be a fan of Prince, Christina Aguillera and Right Said Fred. “Oh yes! I’m… too sexy for this Mosque… too sexy for Israel… too sexy for this Burqha-derka-derka-derka…” 

Another surprise hit with Arab leaders is Northern Irish sex-toy, Eoghan Quigg, as Ahmadinejad explains: 

“I always wanted to go to bed with a 16-year-old boy who vaguely reminds me of Harvey Keitel.. or Martin Scorsese. What’s not to like?? My grandfather would have killed for those eyebrows.”   

Garda Finbar O'Loughlin escapes the scene

Gardai were alerted when locals reported a strange smell and high-pitched squeals and screams. They arrived on the scene with two vets in the belief that pigs were being slaughtered inhumanely but were shocked at what they saw.

“I’ve had to give some of the men time off. They’re traumatised and frankly I don’t blame them”, said Superintendent Declan Burke of Castlebar Garda station. “In all my years in this force I don’t think I’ve ever seen anything that put the heart as crossways in me as this did. It was absolute carnage. There were bits everywhere, gore, limbs, heads, and the flies. Jesus Christ, there were enough flies to feed the whole of Ethiopia for a month.”

Eye-witnesses said the Gardai and vets emerged from the farm with crusted vomit around their mouths, some of them weeping inconsolably. Mr O’Toole was led away and later charged with 146 counts of first degree murder.

His lawyer, Steve Austin, told the Irish Sentinel, “The whole thing is just a big mistake. He was listening to Today FM and he heared Ray Darcy say that it was ok for pigmy processing to begin again and, desperate as he was to start providing his customers with product, he imported a load of them from Borneo and got to work.

We’re sure the judge will understand given the very trying circumstances of the last week”.

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Irish poultry producers are ‘living in fear’ according to one chicken farmer. “If people think the stuff being fed to pigs and cattle is bad, wait till they find out what shite we give the birds. It’s mostly gravel and pieces of irradiated foam”.

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Irish Bloggers have come together to produce a book which aims to help the homeless problem in Dublin city. “I’m hoping”, said one of the organisers, “that we can raise enough money to have these people killed once and for all. Lazy fuckers”.

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Crazy Hansard: "Would you get out of me face. I'm just trying to buy some bin bags."

Riots continued in Greece after a young man was shot dead and government used the furore to rush through a legislative change without opposition. Anal sex has been banned under punishment of prison but Yannis Gianakopolis, who took to the streets in opposition, said “This is the very foundation of Greek society and they have destroyed it. We will not give up until our rights to chocolate mining are restored”.

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A County Carlow woman was held hostage in her own home last night after the monkey on the box of Coco Pops came alive and ‘went fuckin’ mental’. Gardai were called to the scene with vets from Dublin Zoo but the stand-off continued until specially trained army forces shot the rampant simian dead.

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Further token arrests have been made in the O’Kane murder case. Gardai spokesman Prionsias McDenny says “We like to give the public the impression that we are doing all we can, so we’re arresting every 13 year old scumbag in a hoodie we can find. We’ll let them all go, of course, as nobody is going to go to jail for this. We’d like to arrest the parents but they’re in the middle of an ongoing state-sponsored methadone program.”

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Oscar winner Glen Hansard spotted in Blanchardstown shopping center buying bin liners. Could new love be on the horizon?

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Davina McCall will present another series of UK Big Brother in 2009, though viewing figures are expected to be lower than last year’s total of 31. In other entertainment news, Jim Bowen will begin a new presenter role on T4 in February.

Without wishing to scaremonger at this difficult time the Irish Sentinel can only come to one conclusion: Ireland is set for another famine.

Delicious but deadly, Irish pig pictured yesterday

Already thousands of people have decided to emigrate and a new website, www.coffinships.com, has been rendered unavailable due to the incredible demand for Atlantic crossings. Experts are warning that unless emergency measures are taken then widespread starvation and disease are inevitable.

“Forget the recession or thinking of ways to adequately commemorate the death of Katy French, this is a real crisis. Just as potatoes were the staple diet in the 1800s so pork is today. Rashers, sausages, white pudding, black pudding, pork chops, deep fried snouts. Beyond that there’s little else in the average shopping trolley and people are going to die. Make no mistake, this could potentially see 90% of the population wiped out”.

The government has made an emergency appeal to England to send vital supplies but Prime Minister Gordon Brown has said that despite the drop in VAT for UK residents there will be no repeal of the Pork Laws, tariffs on pigs which keep the price of imported bacon artificially high.

And businesses are set to go to the wall with many ‘all day breakfast’ diners complaining that they have simply no way of providing customers with what they want. “What am I supposed to do?”, said Mick of Mick the Rashers in Harolds Cross. “Mick’s famous breakfast was 90% pork. A fried egg, some beans and a few mushrooms isn’t going to satisfy anyone. If this keeps up we may have to resort to the unthinkable. Yes, Linda McCartney’s meat free, quorn based sausages. And to be honest, I think people would rather starve than eat those things”.

And a spokesperson for O’Ryans Sandwich bars told us “We’re screwed. Do you know how many hang sangwiches we sell at lunchtimes?”

Officials from the Food Safety Authority of Ireland are assuring customers that the chances of side-effects from contaminated products are slim and that only mild mutations and semi-gigantic tumours are expected.

The reality of the situation is unlikely to hit home straight away but as the corpses pile up on the streets of our towns the only winners in all this are the undertakers.

Lord help us all.