According to a source close to Obama’s transition team, Philpott, currently serving a six month sentence in Halawa Correctional facility for mating with a monk seal without a licence, is in line to fill the prodigious position of Secretary of the Interior.

The source said: ‘While Mr Philpott lacks any political experience per se, Obama and his team feel that it is important to reach out to people right across, and way, way beyond, the political spectrum. In troubled times such as these, symbolism often becomes almost fifteen times as important as actually achieving stuff.’ Asked whether Philpott’s incarceration would pose a problem, this random guy replied: ‘Nah. Provided there are no more marine life incidents in the meantime, he’s due out in January, You don’t get a lot of turtles in prison. And fuck it anyway, what are presidential pardons for?’.

Melvin has made a full recovery

Mr Philpott, using his spanking new president-electually donated iPhone to speak to The Irish Sentinel from his jail cell, said: ‘Bring it on, baby. I took the fucker down in high school. Can I do it again? Yes, I can! That lanky black cunt was an easy target back then, and as far as I can see, fuck all has changed. ‘Run home to your Granny, bitch!’ I used to say to him, as he hobbled off, snot running down his nose and his boxers buried in his crack. I ate of whole lot of Big Macs on that snivelling pussy’s dime, I can tell ya. Good times, good times. I look forward to bringing those eye-gouging, bollock kneeing days back.’

Other rumoured Obama appointments include  Grand Wizard of the Ku Klux Klan, Virgil Griffin, to the Depatment of Justice and a rather more predictable selection as Education Secretary: Bosie Talylor Bush, bastard son of George Bush and former Miss Idaho, Misty Dawn Taylor.

Palin - hotter than hell itself

A devout Christian, who believes in creationism, Palin was convinced that her faith in the almighty would be rewarded with victory and is now, apparently, so embittered of her treatment by God that she is set to snub him in the worst possible way and worship the devil instead.

An insider told us “She was absolutely furious and could not understand why God had allowed the mulatto, terrorist Muslim to win the election instead of her. She took it as a very personal affront and got down on her knees shrieking ‘Damn you, God. Damn you all to hell’.

She then went on the internet to check the Marilyn Manson homepage which gives full details and workable spells about how to change from Christianity to Satanism. Within twenty minutes she had sold her soul to the Devil in return for a two-term presidency starting in 2012. Her advisors were distraught”.

Palin was also believed to be unhappy at God for allowing the media to continually refer to Obama as an African-American without referencing her own interracial qualities. As the results became clear last night she was heard to say “It’s all Obama black this, Obama black that. I’m half white, half caucasian but you didn’t hear me bleating on and on about getting votes from Chinatown”.

She follows in the footsteps of Ronald Reagan and Richard Nixon who both traded their souls for spells in the White House – although it’s believed Reagan’s was returned to his wife Nancy in 1997 after a series of summit meetings between her and the prince of darkness in Iceland.

The Republican party recieve the bad news from Karl Rove

A traditional Republican stronghold, the Beta Quadrant has seen one of the dramatic shifts in voter favour ever recorded. Analysts have attributed the swing to the democratic party’s promise of bringing cloaking device and disruptor manufacturing back to the Romulan homeworld. Increased diversity in the area, with the recent influx of immigrants from the Q continuum, has also been cited a major deciding factor in this dramatic result.