Each of the patients is currently lying on a hospital trolley in a corridor, janitor’s closet, hallway or atrium but hospital administrators say media reaction has blown the problem out of all proportion.

Patients huddle for warmth in Beaumont hospital yesterday

“It’s not like it used to be”, said Harney Lackeybot Mk 2.3, directly from the HSE Bunker in Molesworth Street. “In the old days the trolleys were not that great, we freely admit that, but nowadays we have replaced those with state of the art new trolleys with fully functional wheels.

As well as that we have added full entertainment suites to each trolley location, meaning the humanoids, I mean patients, patients, are kept amused at all times. For example, there is a comprehensive library in each section and for the slightly less injured or ill patients there’s an exercise we call ‘Toilet dash’, which keeps them riveted let me tell you. The basic conceit is that the patient has to scurry to the toilet and hope their trolley hasn’t been given to a new patient in the meantime.

You hear people like Eamonn Keane on Newstalk going on and on about the failings of the health service but let me ask him and his ilk this? If we have no beds where else are we supposed to put these people? Trolleys and coridors are the only option. I can tell you that in England they’re left outside on benches bought from Homebase. Would he have us take the people off the trolleys and put them out into the bitter cold? We’re ahead of the game here in Ireland, we really are”.

But not all patients agree. John O’Sullivan has been waiting for admission to Tallaght Hospital since 2002. “The doctors told me I only had 6 months to live. Got the cancer, you see. But I’ve been on this trolley since the day I arrived and I’m fucked if I’m going to die and make it easy for him. And as for this ‘entertainment suites’, as they call them, a few raggedy copies of weeks-old Heat and Hello magazines are not what I’d call entertainment.

If I wanted to know about the state of Kerry Katona’s gee I’d ring up that cunt Brian McFadden”.

Minister for Health, Mary Harney, was unavailable for comment but sources have told the Irish Sentinel that a new Trolley Displacement Committee has been set up to look into the problem. To create the available resources 52 nurses have been fired with immediate effect.

Rancor: Cushy number with the HSE

Following the dissolution of the Hutt Party yesterday, it’s been an extremely busy week for the Minister. She now finds herself without her political party to back her up in any major cabinet decisions.

Speaking to the Irish Sentinel earlier this morning, Harney explained that, although the lives of thousands of young women could be saved annually, budget constraints had forced her to delay the implementation of the scheme for at least 72 years. She added: “Sure they’ll probably have a cure for cancer by 2081. I’ll be long in me grave by that time. Sure what the feck do I care. Now c’mon, where’s that breakfast roll you promised me?”

While her future within the Irish government looks uncertain, The Sentinel has learned that the Rancor has secured a high-ranking position within the Health Service Executive.

The Minister claims that due to the economic downturn that resources cannot be made available and must be allocated to more pressing areas of the health service. Critics have called for her resignation, again, with Healy-Rae saying “This is a thundering disgrace, worse than Eoin ‘the bomber’ Liston being dropped for that championship game against the Dubs back in 1982.

12 year olds set to die because of Harney

How can this woman sleep at night knowing she has condemned a load of young girls to gee cancer? I mean, of all the places to get cancer having it your gee must surely the be worst. You wouldn’t be able to pish or anything. She needs to stop and think about how she’d feel if her gee was a great big cancerous mess”.

Speaking from his newly renovated office, costing €250,000, former Taoiseach Bertie Ahern leapt to the defence of Harney. “Look, those that say the money should be found are talking garbage nonsense. Look, it’s one thing spending a few bob on doing up my office, despite the fact I’m not Taoiseach anymore, but to suggest that €10m or €20m should be found just to give 12 year olds an injection is stupid. Where are they supposed to get it? Do they think there’s a money tree at the back of Leinster House, the gobshites? They’re driving this government to the point where they’re going to have to start counterfeiting money and paying for things in cash and nobody wants to go back to those dark days.

Anyway, ask any 12 year old girl if she actually wants an injection and she’ll tell you ‘no’. What kid would? So it’s not as if you’re taking Bebo away from them or something. In fact, they could use it to their advantage by making sure they know that this government saved them the pain of an injection – they’ll get that back in votes in a few years, just you see”.

It’s just the latest in a long line of cutbacks by the Health Minister who recently approved a new scheme to replace dialysis machines with teasmaids, signing a €4m deal with Harvey Norman to supply the necessary equipment. Meanwhile acute cancer services in the North East are being hampered by the HSE’s insistence that prostate cancer be treated by inserting one plutonium rod into the rectal passages of up to 25 men a day.

Beelzebudget 2009

The Minister for Health Mary Harney has been praised for her courageous strategy in solving the recent medical card crisis.

Together with Brian Lenihan, the two ministers have devised what they call a ‘fair and balanced’ plan to ensure that nobody over 70 is left out in the cold following this year’s highly controversial budget.

Under the new scheme entitled “Dul Abhaile”, people over 70 with an annual income of less that €360,000 will be given the opportunity to avail of assisted suicide in any of the 12 new “departure centres” that are to be built in strategic locations around the country.

The corpses of the dead will then be ground into a green, wafer-like substance, taxed at 21.5% then sold in Fallon & Byrne to assholes who drive low-powered BMW’s with M badges glued on the back.

The cost of the suicide procedures will be passed on to the taxpayer initially, but it is hoped that the long-term savings will outweigh the setup costs and help to shore up the struggling exchequer.

In an earlier press conference, Brian Lenihan weakly apologised for scaring the living fucking piss out of the elderly, then went on to confirm that the “Dul Abhaile” scheme will begin in Q2 2009.

He stated that the scheme will “not effect those with a few quid tucked underneath the matress”, whilst winking slyly to a bank of press photographers.

The press conference was cut short however when an elderly woman stood up to challenge Minister Lenihen on the medical card fiasco.

It would seem the pressures of the budget finally got to the TD as he leapt from the rostrum with all the grace of a retarded gazelle and proceeded to beat the pensioner to death with her own Zimmer frame.

Not content with simply withdrawing support for the government the Dublin North-Central TD has promised supporters that he’ll give the Minister for Health the ‘kicking she deserves’. A friend of McGrath’s told the Irish Sentinel, “He is spewing over the medical card issue, like any right minded person, but for him this is the straw that broke the camel’s back. After the session yesterday he went after Harney bull-headed in the corridors of Leinster House and claimed her. He kept pushing her in the chest and saying ‘Come on then. Come on. Fight me. Come on, chicken. Are you chicken?’, before making squawking noises and flapping his arms like a farmyard bird.

Harney to avoid being a Joey

It was a very tense scene. All the other TDs, led by Enda Kenny, were standing around shouting ‘A-G, A-G-R, A-G-R-O, AGRO!’ but Harney was having none of it. Finian told her to meet him outside the Dail bar at 4pm where they’d have a scrap in front of everyone”.

It remains to be seen whether or not the Minister will turn up or whether she’ll be a cowardy-custard – but insiders tell us that if she doesn’t fight she’ll be putting the final nail in her political coffin. “People can tolerate somebody being absolutely terrible at their job. This is Ireland, after all. But if she doesn’t at least try to duff up McGrath then she’s going to look like a complete Joey Deacon and nobody is ever going to vote for a Joey, despite his kitsch value these days”.

If the bout of inter-party fisticuffs does go ahead it will be the first time a Minister has taken on an Independent since Ray Burke wedgied Tony Gregory in 1986 and then bent his arm behind his back until the Dublin Central TD was forced to ’submit’. Gregory calmly waited years for his revenge, having Burke thrashed by inner-city prison guards when he was jailed in 2005 for irregularties in his tax returns.

Harney: Giz a bit of that Yorkie...

Mary Harney has announced today that women who wish to have their cancer results rechecked will not be charged for the privilege. The health service are kindly absorbing the cost.

In a completely unrelated story, a man was accidentally served a putrid, piss-covered  badger carcass in a top Dublin restaurant yesterday. The Sentinel learned that the customer had actually ordered the monkfish but there had been some kind of mix-up amongst the kitchen staff.

The head chef responsible for the incident did not apologise for the shit-storm of errors that occurred, nor will he face any health and safety disciplinary measures.

Suitably outraged, the customer proceeded to describe the chef as a “flaming cock juggler” and that he was not fit to cook toast.

An Bord Bia have seemingly turned a blind eye to the matter and the chef continues to operate the restaurant  as if nothing has happened.

The chef later stated that the man could come back to the restaurant at any time to have the monkfish he originally ordered, without charge.

: Reaction from displeased customer Gary Funt earlier today
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