Liverpool have struggled this season, losing and drawing too many games for a team that was tipped to win the title, and with even a Champions League position in the balance it looked as if the Spaniard’s reign at Anfield might be coming to an end. Despite changing tactics, team line-ups, training ground routines and every other available FootbalL Manager trick, such as instructing his players to use ‘Tackling: hard’ and ‘Pressing: always’, results just weren’t getting any better.

Dirk Kuyt got both Liverpool goals

Desperate for three points against one of their closest rivals for a top four spot, Benitez consulted former Liverpool legend Barry Venison who is now a practising Satanist. “When Rafa came to me I knew it was because he had exhausted all other possibilities. I’m a realist. I know people don’t want to ask Satanists for help, what with the whole Satan being prince of evil and that, but there’s Champions League money at stake here. Some things are more important than whether or not your soul burns for all eternity.

I gave him a few tips and one of our handy 64 page introductory booklets which give you some easy to follow rituals. And last night they beat Spurs 2-0. Coincidence? I think not”.

The Irish Sentinel can exclusively reveal that Benitez, assistant manager Sammy Lee and captain Steven Gerrard performed a gory sacrificial rite at Liverpool’s Melwood training complex yesterday morning. The unfortunate victim was Bash Street Kids-headed youngster, Jay Spearing, who was tied down while Benitez cut out his heart with a dagger made from the sharpened femur of Jim Beglin. Lee and Gerrard writhed naked in the blood as Benitez carried out a throaty incantation to the devil.

According to sources close to Benitez justified the slaughter of one of the club’s most promising young midfielders by saying, “We needed a goal, no? Thees ees a fact. I am talking about facts. We can not rely on the referee being perfect, no? Thees ees also a fact”, and carried on talking about facts and perfect referees and 27.000 people for close to an hour.

Tottenham boss Harry Redknapp declined to comment when the Irish Sentinel put the story to him but our reporter claims he reached almost 300 twitches per minute as he scanned the documents. FA rules do not preclude the use of magic, either white or black, leaving Redknapp with no scope for appeal but more time to get his taxes in order.

The former Spurs and Wolves and Coventry and Inter Milan and Fettercairn Rovers player has failed to acclimatise to life in Liverpool after spending most of his life in areas of much higher civilisation.

Getting closer - Keane celebrates his two yard miss against Hull

A source close to the player said “Robbie just can’t get to grips with Merseyside life. It’s like a foreign country for him -  he feels battered like Jamie Bulger at the moment. He’s struggled with the language for a start. He just can’t understand a word people are saying and they haven’t got a clue either when he speaks in that thick, Dublin brogue of his.

Then there’s the food. When you go from eating Funghi Trifolati followed by Gamberi Calamari Livornese with a handmade Tiramisu it’s hard to cope with ‘Southern Fried Poppin’ chicken’ and Beef Roast TV dinners from Iceland.

But he’s hopeful that things will get better in 2009. A player from abroad usually takes about 6 months to settle into life  in the Premier League and he’s sure that by the end of February he’ll be back to his best”.

So far this season Keane has missed open goals from 7 yards, 5 yards, 3 yards and, in the FA Cup game against Preston, failed to score from less than 2 inches in front of goal.

It has caused Liverpool manager Rafa Benitez to wonder if the £20m he spent on Keane was worth it although critics of the Spaniard will say that if he spent £7m on Italian Andrea Dossena then Keane is actually worth somewhere in the region of £98,655,000,000,000.

Wrist action lands Drogba in hot water

A warrant was issued late last night and in a dawn raid on his Upper Tooting mansion the Ivory Coast forward was arrested and taken to Scotland Yard HQ. A police spokesperson said “We can confirm that Drogba has been charged with attempted murder. We have studied video footage and we can clearly see that he spots the person who threw the coin at him. As he is a master of six different martial arts, including Karate, Ju-jitsu, Kung Po and Wang Chung, we can tell by his throwing technique that he was trying to throw the coin with a 36 degree curve on it so it would enter the offender’s ear at 98mph, the optimal speed for slicing through somebody’s head with a 50p piece.

We had no choice but to change the original charge of ABH to one of attempted murder. We are asking that no bail be set as he is obviously a flight risk and if he goes back to the Ivory Coast we’ll never find him. They all look the same over there with their enormous tusks”.

Chelsea have vowed to stand by their man and midfielder Frank Lampard has leapt to the defence of his teammate, saying “Look, let’s ignore the fact that a top level professional footballer felt he had to celebrate a goal against a team like Burnley by taunting their fans, fans with whom he has absolutely no history whatsoever. Let’s ignore the fact he was acting the big man and should, instead, have celebrated with his teammates or the Chelsea fans who have sappily forgiven him for his pathetic antics in the Champions League final.

Of course he shouldn’t have thrown the coin but then their fan shouldn’t have thrown it in the first place. Who is worse? He who throws it back or he who throws it in the very first initial place to start off with in the beginning? I think we all know the answer to that”.

As well as the possibility of spending the next 14 years in Pentonville Road prison Drogba is also facing a 3 match ban from the FA for ‘violent conduct’. There are genuine fears that the severity of this punishment from the footballing authorities might push the player over the edge and he is on 24 hour suicide watch. One of the security guards hired to protect him told us of the painstaking attention to detail they have to abide by.

“I’m an Arsenal fan”, he said. “I’m going to stick the portable on, drink tea and eat biscuits on the overnight shift and if I check in the morning and he’s hanging from the ceiling I might just say ‘Ooops’. I’d probably have a party though. You can come if you like”.

Drogba is not the first footballer to fall foul of the law. Earlier this year Sunderland’s El Hadji Diouf was arrested when a lorry registered in his name was stopped and found to contain 123 Chinese immigrants, Fulham star Danny Murphy was said to be the brains behind the 2004 Northern Bank robbery in Belfast while Liverpool’s Andrea Dossena was arrested and charged with impersonating a footballer.

Carragher realises too late his house is gone

In what appears to be an escalation in matters though defender Jamie Carragher called police after coming home and finding his entire house had been taken, with his wife and children still inside.

A police spokesman said “To say this is taking it to the next level would be to underestimate matters. It’s one thing taking a Zidane shirt or replica of a league title winners medal but to literally take the house up out of its foundations is entirely another. We suspect they loaded it onto the back of a flat-bed truck and took off with it.

We would urge anybody who has seen anything suspicious to get in touch with us. For example, if you look out the window of your council house in Toxteth and see a mock Tudor mansion that wasn’t there before then please give us a call”.

A friend of Carragher, said to be distraught at the loss of his Playstation3 which had his Metal Gear Solid 4 save game on it, told us “He’s offering a big reward to get his stuff, and less importantly his family, back. He can accept the loss of his wife, they come ten a penny, but he was nearly at the end of MGS4 and he’d built up his stats massively on the ‘Be a pro’ mode in FIFA 09. What kind of a heartless bastard would take that away from a man?”

The robberies, believed to be carried out by a gang headed by former Everton star Danny Cadamarteri, have plagued Liverpool players for the last two years. Within months of joining the club goalkeeper Pepe Reina had his house broken into with a priceless Joan Miro portrait taken, it was later found hanging on the wall of the Birkenhead Working Men’s club.

And Irishman Robbie Keane had mementos with great sentimental value stolen from his home, including the mallet used to bash his head square when he was a young footballer playing on the streets of Tallaght.