Palin - hotter than hell itself

A devout Christian, who believes in creationism, Palin was convinced that her faith in the almighty would be rewarded with victory and is now, apparently, so embittered of her treatment by God that she is set to snub him in the worst possible way and worship the devil instead.

An insider told us “She was absolutely furious and could not understand why God had allowed the mulatto, terrorist Muslim to win the election instead of her. She took it as a very personal affront and got down on her knees shrieking ‘Damn you, God. Damn you all to hell’.

She then went on the internet to check the Marilyn Manson homepage which gives full details and workable spells about how to change from Christianity to Satanism. Within twenty minutes she had sold her soul to the Devil in return for a two-term presidency starting in 2012. Her advisors were distraught”.

Palin was also believed to be unhappy at God for allowing the media to continually refer to Obama as an African-American without referencing her own interracial qualities. As the results became clear last night she was heard to say “It’s all Obama black this, Obama black that. I’m half white, half caucasian but you didn’t hear me bleating on and on about getting votes from Chinatown”.

She follows in the footsteps of Ronald Reagan and Richard Nixon who both traded their souls for spells in the White House – although it’s believed Reagan’s was returned to his wife Nancy in 1997 after a series of summit meetings between her and the prince of darkness in Iceland.

“I think we all know Senator Obama’s connections with both sides of the force. Remember, this is the man who betrayed his friends to Darth Vader yet flip-flopped away from the dark side when things were going bad for the empire. If this is the kind of man America wants in charge then I fear my country”.

The Republican party recieve the bad news from Karl Rove

A traditional Republican stronghold, the Beta Quadrant has seen one of the dramatic shifts in voter favour ever recorded. Analysts have attributed the swing to the democratic party’s promise of bringing cloaking device and disruptor manufacturing back to the Romulan homeworld. Increased diversity in the area, with the recent influx of immigrants from the Q continuum, has also been cited a major deciding factor in this dramatic result.

Say a little prayer for Obama's dead Granny

Karl Rove, advisor to George Bush, said “This is quite obviously a stunt by Obama camp. They release news about his grandmother dying and all of a sudden every person who ever had a grandmother is going to vote for him. I bet she’s sitting in her hut in Haiti, doing voodoo on some poor unsuspecting victim, drinking the fresh blood of a recently killed chicken, and cackling like Aunt Jemima herself. I’d put any money you want on her being alive and well”.

The Democrats have issued a statement calling Rove’s remarks “crass beyond belief. This kind of electioneering might be acceptable to the Republican Party but to suggest we might fake the death of a very sick, elderly lady is beyond the pale”.

Fox News presenter Sean Hannity was also dubious about the timing of the announcement. “It’s all very convenient, isn’t it? One day before the vote she just happens to pop her clogs and who gets all the sympathy? Her grandson, that’s who. And he just happens to be running for President that very day. What a coincidence! Unless they show us a death cert or a YouTube video of her corpse then I think we’re right to be dubious”.

Americans go to the polls tomorrow with the Illinois senator the clear favourite over John McCain and special-needs running mate Sarah Palin who further dented their standing by claiming her labia had more foreign policy experience than Barack Obama.

“Bukkake is not foreign policy experience”, explained former President Jimmy Carter who will be supplying the peanuts at polling booths tomorrow.

Crazy World if McCain gets in, says Dignam

The Finglas troubadour has become renowned for his political insight and analysis – and has backed the winning candidate in the last five elections. It is now believed that many of the undecided voters will sway towards Obama having waited for the singer’s pre-election statement. This is known in American political circles as The Dignam Effect.

Speaking to CNN he said “I’ve thought long and hard about this and for me there’s only one choice. It’s got to be Obama. Let’s face it, McCain is a bleedin’ spanner and yer wan Palin is about as intelligent as Bosco. I was debating this very point with Simon Carmody the other night over a few scoops in The Long Hall. He claimed that McCain and Palin was the only choice for America if it wanted to be taken seriously but I just said ‘Look you, you’ve been wearing a leopard skin coat around town for years. What do you know about being taken seriously, ya fuckin’ spoon?”

With the November 4th poll drawing closer by the day it now seems that Obama’s lead is unassailable, especially as McCain’s campaign is being continuously hampered by running mate Sarah Palin’s gaffes. In an interview with Fox News Palin referred to Obama as “that terror nigger” and claimed to have more foreign policy experience than Henry Kissinger simply because she’d won a game of Risk the night before.

She also caused outrage amongst women’s groups across America when asked about the feminist movement. She claimed that under her command the suffragettes would increase the number of flights they carry out and would target Iraqi insurgent bases to put an end to the conflict in the region once and for all.