The North Korean Premier hopes to croon his way around any number of meaningless UN resolutions to secure a live performance in the BBC this September with a rendition of the Lionel Richie classic: ‘Herro, is it me youl rooking fol?’

Music industry experts were quick to ask: “All this for an Asian joke about ‘L’s and ‘R’s?” which prompted the response: ‘you betcha, its raff out roud funny’. The US State Department welcomed the move and Hillary Clinton was quick to support the development of an Axis of Soft Rock between North Korea and Iran, when it emerged that Iranian President Ahmadinejad was a big Kings of Leon fan. 

“This sex is on fffiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiire,” hummed President Ahmadinejad, who also claims to be a fan of Prince, Christina Aguillera and Right Said Fred. “Oh yes! I’m… too sexy for this Mosque… too sexy for Israel… too sexy for this Burqha-derka-derka-derka…” 

Another surprise hit with Arab leaders is Northern Irish sex-toy, Eoghan Quigg, as Ahmadinejad explains: 

“I always wanted to go to bed with a 16-year-old boy who vaguely reminds me of Harvey Keitel.. or Martin Scorsese. What’s not to like?? My grandfather would have killed for those eyebrows.”   

The missile bombardment, described as ‘retaliatory’ by Israel’s foreign minister Yitzak Kilarab, came in response to a Palestinian attack on a Jewish family’s house in Lennox Street, Dublin 8.

Seinfeld - took time from busy schedule to visit Cohen family at their destroyed home

In the early hours of last night a Palestinian youth threw eggs at the windows and shouted ‘Jews, get out of our land’ before making off as fast as his little legs could carry him. Isaac Cohen, who has lived in the house for 48 years with his wife Matilda, telephoned the Israeli embassy in Dublin who passed on reports of the incident to Tel Aviv.

“If they continue to threaten our borders, wherever they may lie”, said Kilarab, “then we will respond with force. We will not let our people be terrorised”.

312 people were killed in the retaliatory attack which blew up schools, hospitals, kindergartens, a puppy sanctuary and a local theatre in which a group of orphans were performing a new year’s ‘play of kindness’.

Minister for Foreign Affairs, Micheál Martin, said “I suppose you could say the response from Israel was slightly disproportionate. A few eggs being thrown at a house is hardly justification for the slaughter of hundreds of men, women and children, but you know, this is Israel. As long as the US keeps funding and condoning its terrorism it doesn’t matter what anyone says”.

Hamas leaders have promised revenge and have threatened the lives of some of the world’s leading Jews, including Scarlett Johansson, Corey Feldman and recent convert Mel Gibson.

Meanwhile, the Cohen family are being comforted by friends, family and Jerry Seinfeld.

Hitler has no opinion on Mumbai

A team of so-called Cultural Scientists set-up by professors and academics at Trinity College in Dublin has outlined the criteria by which incidents across the globe will be classified. Using what they call the ‘Downfall Postulation’ the importance and relevance of a particular event or circumstance can be guaged.

Professor Jim Mongon explains, “Basically the more important an occurance is the quicker somebody will make a hilarious subtitled video of Bruno Ganz as Hitler from the film ‘Downfall’. So we can see that Arsenal beating Spurs, Microsoft taking away people’s xBox live accounts and Cristiano Ronaldo’s on-off move to Real Madrid last summer were highly important.

These videos were up on YouTube within hours of those things taking place. We have scoured YouTube since the Mumbai attacks and not one video of Hitler complaining to his generals with incredibly funny and not at all tedious, boring and tired English subtitles has been made. He does not complain about nobody seeing the terrorists, he does not rant about how such a thing could be allowed happen, and no mockery is made of what was one of the finest acting performances of the 21st century but has since become a big joke.

Without a Hitler/Downfall video you might as well just forget about it and move on”.

From an Irish perspective we have seen all the greatest moments of recent times immortalised in this way. Hitler complaining about Mary Harney taking away the cervical cancer vaccine, Hitler spewing about Colm and Jim Jim’s ‘funny as cancer’ TV show, Hitler screaming that Andy Reid should be brought into the Irish team to bring some quality to the squad and Hitler bemoaning the fact that Eamonn Keane on Newstalk hasn’t been brought to task for sounding so very bumptious every day of the week.

Until Mumbai can claim Hitler’s ire then the world needs to focus on more important matters.

Jewish leaders claim that in a secular nation there should be no religious celebrations apart from Yom Kippur, Hanukkah, Passover, Rosh Hashanah, Tenth of Tevet and Harvey Fierstein’s birthday. Rabbi Sam E Davis Jr from the Terenure Synagogue said in an interview with Jewish newspaper, The Zionist Conspiracy, yesterday “We call on the Irish government to put an end to this pagan madness. It is one thing having Christian celebrations, it’s another having filthy pig Arab religious celebrations, but to glorify a pagan festival is abhorrent and Jehovah is going to smite the nation worse than Brian Lenihan’s budget.

Never go back to firework that doesn't go off

There’s only so much he can take and unless firm and decisive action is taken now we will have to take matters into own own hands. If they come at us with sparklers we will counter with whistling rockets. If they attack us with Roman candles, we will respond with half-sticks”.

But Marjorie O’Leary who has been selling illegal fireworks for years on Moore Street thinks this is just political correctness gone mad. “Dey do hate everytin’, dem Jooze. Dere’s nuttin’ dat pleases dem and dey should go back to dere own country, wherever it is. I’ve been sellin’ bangers and rockits for more dan 40 year down here. De inside of me knockers are stained wit gunpowder.

Sure one year didn’t some gouger throw a match down me cleavage and now de left one looks like dat Falklands fella. If dey can’t enjoy de hallowe’en and a bit o’ bangin’ and bright lights den dey should stay indoors like dogs or cats or haemophiliacs”.

Despite the powerful Jewish lobby in Ireland it seems the government will withstand any pressure to cancel the one of the most traditional and well loved holidays of the year. “Sure, doesn’t it give dem firemen sumtin’ to do?”, said Marjorie O’Leary. “De rest of de year dey’re just sittin’ on their holes making nude calendars”.