Cary Grant - not welcome in Northern Ireland this Christmas

With the favourable exchange rate between sterling the euro consumers are voting with their feet and buying groceries, alcohol and their presents in towns throughout Northern Ireland. Despite concerns from the various Chambers of Commerce in the south the people and politicians of the north are keen to welcome and encourage new visitors.

Iris Robison, wife of DUP leader, NI first minister and Leeds goalkeeper Paul Robinson, and also MP for Strangford, was keen to roll out the red carpet, saying “It’s great for the economy of Northern Ireland to get so many catholics spending their money up here. That means they’re taking money away from catholics down there and with any luck there’ll be another famine. I think the people are coming to Northern Ireland not just for the prices but for the friendly welcome they receive up here”, she said whilst blasting a picture of the pope with the acid urine that shoots from her cavernous vagina.

But not everyone is welcome. Religious idenity can be overlooked but Robinson warned a section of society that they would be better off staying at home. “Let me just make one thing clear”, she said, “we want to keep Northern Ireland as the chaste, pious and uncorrupted nation it is now, so if we see any queers up here we’re going to bash them and put them in prison camps.

They are an abomination of God’s holy law and if they think they can come to Northern Ireland, do a bit of shopping, stopping only to bum each other in the Westwood Shopping Centre, then they’re sadly mistaken. And that goes for lezzers too. Boxes in Northern Ireland are for carrying things in, not for eating like a barbecued crayfish”.

There have been calls for Mrs Robimson to resign over the comments but as one off-the-record DUP member told us “She’s said much worse before and nobody batted an eyelid. Why would that change now?”.

The warning won’t deter gay Irish shoppers though with Shirley Temple Bar promising to ‘flounce up and down the Falls Road with my shopping bags’. Prominent Nothern Irish gay people have condemned Robinson as well with Calum Best saying “I once kissed Linday Lohan and she’s batting for the other side now so that makes me a bit gay or something and you know I’d really like to be on some new reality TV show if you know anyone that’s involved in that kind of thing. Do you know anyone? ANYONE?”

Up to 4,000 primary and secondary school teachers and parents stormed O’Connor Square in Tullamore, Co Offaly, roaring slogans to show their anger at Fianna Fail.

Now only pyschotics want to teach in Irish schools

President of the Irish National Learners Alliance (INLA), Constantine Dalrymple, told the Irish Sentinel just how opposed teachers are to the measures introduced in the new budget. “Obviously class size is a huge issue in terms of education. From Ireland to China to Timbuktu is well known that the smaller the class size the less work the teacher has to do.

If I have 25 students it means I have 25 exams or homework assignments to correct. But if I have 30 this means it’s going to take much more time and therefore it obviously has a massive impact on how much free time I have. It’s about time somebody thought of the teachers here instead of always bleating on and on about how it’s going to affect the kids. Realistically it makes no difference to them if there’s 20 or 30 in a class, they get little or no individual attention anyway so what’s everyone going on about?”

Secondary school Maths teacher, Arthur Plug from Terenure College in Dublin agrees. “More kids simply equals more work for me. We’re the ones that are suffering, not them. I’m finding it more and more difficult to spend time on the important things in life like grooming underage girls in chatrooms. Unless they reduce the class sizes then I don’t see any way forward beyond an all out strike and when parents have their kids at home all day every day then maybe they’ll realise what a complete pain in the tits they are. ‘The children are our future’ they say. That’s all well and good but children are annoying little bastards”.

Minister for Education Batt O’Keefe is warning that nothing is going to change though. “If teachers didn’t realise that children were a pain in the bishop’s gooch before they got into that line of business then that’s tough luck. They can always go work on B&I ferry between North Wall and Liverpool if they don’t like it”.

Further protests are planned for this week with hundreds of PE teachers set to streak across the pitch when Ireland play Poland at Croke Park this Wednesday. A spokesperson for the INLA said hopefully the threat of leathery balls and flaps would make the government come to its senses.

It was revealed late last week that when Eircom’s broadband service went down in the Dublin 7 area one surgeon had to make frantic phonecalls to a colleague in order to complete a routine appendectomy. There have been claims from nurses and other clinical staff that many doctors don’t have the first clue how to carry out the procedures and without the internet they’d be utterly lost.

DIY Operations: Wiki nightmare for doctors

“You wouldn’t believe how little some of them know”, said an unnamed sister from Beaumont Hospital. “They blag their way through med school, drinking and taking all kinds of tranquilisers they prescribe for themselves, then when they reach the real world they realise they don’t remember a thing about their training. Then they find themselves in an operating theatre and given the task of cutting people open. For a while it looked as if some of them thought they were fixing carriage clocks. When the nurses would say ‘You seem to have a few bits left over’ they’d simply dismiss us saying they knew what they were doing.

It wasn’t long before they started coming in to theatre with their PDAs and Macbook Airs. You can find anything you want on Wikipedia and they’re using it as they slice and stitch the patients. You just can’t imagine how Facebook status lines which read ‘Repairing someone’s spleen, using Wikipedia, LOL!’ there are. I know if I was a patient I’d want to be sure my doctor was focussed on the job, not reading about the Nazca lines because he’s followed the wrong Wiki link”.

Initially hospital bosses were unconcerned, feeling that it showed resourcefulness and initiative, but when it was pointed out that the information on Wikipedia was notoriously suspect they backtracked for fear of legal proceedings should a surgery go wrong.

As such the only recourse for doctors who have forgotten a vital part of the operation is call Irish Psychics Live or other premium rate services and hope they speak to somebody with medical experience and/or internet access.

WIKI ERRORS – FAMOUS MISTAKES SPOTTED ON WIKIPEDIA

Adolf Hitler was named one of the world’s great impressionist painters.

A Trinity College student had his degree declared null and void after it was discovered he’d copied an entire Wiki entry which claimed the town of Peniche, Portugal, was populated entirely by hunchback dwarves.

Former Ireland manager Steve Staunton was erroneously described as a ‘big thick cunt’, when in reality he was a ‘big, thick, ruddy faced, ginger, useless cunt’.

Author Dick Francis, real name Algernon Carmichael, was said by Wikipedia to have gotten his nom de plume after being caught masturbating over a picture of the famous saint of Assisi.

Every single piece of football transfer information posted on Wikipedia has been incorrect.

Adam Clayton of U2 is described as Irish when his birth certificate lists his nationality as ‘West Brit’.

: A doctor responds to the internet ban.

doctor