Details are sketchy at the moment but The Irish Sentinel can exclusively reveal the nuts and bolts of the case without naming names. It stems from a blog post made in the summer of 2009 in which the blogger accused the celebrity,  a well-known TV presenter, of being a ‘cunt’.

Irish Blogger "40 Consulate" said to be 'worried like shite' over judge's ruling

The celebrity’s lawyers forced the blogger’s hosting company and ISP to reveal details which identified him and served a writ. The blogger in question refused to remove the post or issue the apology the legal team demanded. The case went before a High Court judge in a secret hearing last month where all the evidence was presented.

The celeb’s legal team provided pictorial and written testimony from doctors, physicians, anatomists and world renowned vagina expert John Terry, who supported his claim that he was, literally speaking, not a cunt. Viewing the evidence on its merits the judge agreed that the absence of a labia, clitoris or torn hymen it was inaccurate for the celebrity to be labelled a cunt.

However, he said in taking the action the celebrity had made it quite clear he was, in actual fact, a cock. Nevertheless, he had to agree that the blogger had libelled the celebrity by calling him a cunt and ordered him to make a ‘reasonable’ payout. The blogger in question has not spoken publicly about the award but told the Irish Sentinel that having to differentiate between male and female genitalia when insulting celebrities is going to ’set Irish blogging back years’.

The verdict is likely to open the door to many more legal actions taken against bloggers, with a list of cases already scheduled including Brian McFadden’s action against pop-culture blog, mulch.ie, where he will attempt to prove his head is not made entirely of shit.

When informed of this  fact by The Sentinel  the pseudonym shriekingly responded: ‘Fuck, I am being fucking silenced! Yeah, I know they could read me in a fucking reader, or fuck forbid, at home, but people have fucking rights! The fucking right not to work! The fucking right to be outraged by the injustices of this sick world. Outrages such as the shooting down of an innocent raving lunatic, the murder of a rugby player but not of a plumber, and the terrible wonderfulness of a Jennifer Warnes gig. They also have  the fucking right to feel they have addressed these injustices merely by leaving a thoughtfully sycophantic comment on my blog .’

An artist's impression of our brave blogger bending to his task

When pressed on who he thought might be responsible for this outrageous censorship, the figuratively masked maverick refused to be drawn, although he was heard to mutter something about a popular cigarette brand.

A source close to this century’s most courageous scribe was more forthcoming: ‘All signs point to a conspiracy of  Zionists, Muslims and PC World cunts.’ he said, before covering his mouth with his hand and giggling guiltily. ‘We believe there are also devilish Dublin media elements at work. The hand of golfers is also to be seen. And a worldwide cabal of those who think that perhaps Limerick may not be the greatest place on Earth.  And yeah, before you say it, we know that some companies block all Wordpress and Blogger sites, but that’s like, irrelevant, man. The Second Coming is being prevented from coming. This cannot be allowed to happen. We, His devoted followers, are taking steps. Soon His Message will be ejaculated all over the internet and only those that  cannot be arsed doing their jobs to the full extent of their contracts will be saved.’

What form this final sticky Message will take was being kept under close wraps by both our source and Our Messiah, but rumours are rife that it will involve a stinging, obscenity strewn diatribe on the poor customer service that He recently experienced in His local Spar.

****

Irish poultry producers are ‘living in fear’ according to one chicken farmer. “If people think the stuff being fed to pigs and cattle is bad, wait till they find out what shite we give the birds. It’s mostly gravel and pieces of irradiated foam”.

****

Irish Bloggers have come together to produce a book which aims to help the homeless problem in Dublin city. “I’m hoping”, said one of the organisers, “that we can raise enough money to have these people killed once and for all. Lazy fuckers”.

****

Crazy Hansard: "Would you get out of me face. I'm just trying to buy some bin bags."

Riots continued in Greece after a young man was shot dead and government used the furore to rush through a legislative change without opposition. Anal sex has been banned under punishment of prison but Yannis Gianakopolis, who took to the streets in opposition, said “This is the very foundation of Greek society and they have destroyed it. We will not give up until our rights to chocolate mining are restored”.

****

A County Carlow woman was held hostage in her own home last night after the monkey on the box of Coco Pops came alive and ‘went fuckin’ mental’. Gardai were called to the scene with vets from Dublin Zoo but the stand-off continued until specially trained army forces shot the rampant simian dead.

****

Further token arrests have been made in the O’Kane murder case. Gardai spokesman Prionsias McDenny says “We like to give the public the impression that we are doing all we can, so we’re arresting every 13 year old scumbag in a hoodie we can find. We’ll let them all go, of course, as nobody is going to go to jail for this. We’d like to arrest the parents but they’re in the middle of an ongoing state-sponsored methadone program.”

****

Oscar winner Glen Hansard spotted in Blanchardstown shopping center buying bin liners. Could new love be on the horizon?

***

Davina McCall will present another series of UK Big Brother in 2009, though viewing figures are expected to be lower than last year’s total of 31. In other entertainment news, Jim Bowen will begin a new presenter role on T4 in February.

It’s a far cry from the bitter, tired ranting that spews from the keyboards of the country’s most prominent keyboard warriors but Bernard Byrne is unapologetic about his approach. Speaking to us via telephone he claimed it was about time Irish blogs stopped being a platform for hate and petty sniping and instead focussed on the good things in life.

“Why should blogs only be used to fuel the dark side of life?”, he asked. “There’s so much wonderful stuff in this world of ours. Such beauty, wondrous light and the most amazing people who are so generous with their time. We should embrace them and leave the boring, angry pontificating to those people whose lives are obviously bereft of goodness. I feel sorry for them, semi-colon, small letter o, close bracket”.

Ion, like a lion in Zion. Irish blogger positively charged.

Byrne, whose posts include theories on why ebony and ivory can live together in perfect harmony, went on to say “I know many people will think ‘Hey, what are you being so positive about?’, but that’s just the kind of person I am. I see the bright side in everything. If a doctor told me tomorrow I had cancer I’d realise that it was merely life opening up new experiences to me, ell-oh-ell. If I were in a restaurant and I found out my steak was gone off and had maggots on the inside I’d be thankful that I got a glimpse of the maggot life that I would never have had otherwise. You cannot enjoy life unless you can appreciate the magnificence of every situation, person, place or thing, colon, hyphen, capital D”.

But others are not convinced, saying that what Byrne is doing is harmful to blogging. One of Ireland’s top bloggers, who asked to remain anonymous, said “We have spent years building up our curmudgeonly ways and now this chap wants to come along and flipping ruin everything. It’s a blooming disgrace is what it is and I’d like to see some kind of examination system introduced so twits like him can’t just come along and call themselves bloggers. If we don’t introduce some kind of blinking apprentice system then it’s all going down the tubes, mark my words”.

This is the first time anybody has introduced any positivity into the Irish ‘blogosphere’ since the demise of the fabled Blogtrottah, a supposedly satirical and cynical website devoted to celebrity culture but which was, in reality, a Unix powered celebration of the best of Irish political and media life. Perhaps now the scene is ready for something that isn’t morose and petulant and with not so much a chip on its shoulder as a 10kg bag of Kerr’s Pinks.

The final word goes to Byrne, who took time out from writing a post about how brilliant other blogs are, even the ones he claims not to like, to tell us “If you can feel a wind blowing through Irish blogs it is not a sour, poisonous cloud like the ones we have had to endure for so many years. This is a zephyr, a warm mistral of enlightenment. As that wonderful rock band The Scorpions would tell us, this is a wind of change, pointy bracket, asterisk, exclamation mark, exclamation mark, exclamation mark, are-oh-eff-ell”.