Each of the patients is currently lying on a hospital trolley in a corridor, janitor’s closet, hallway or atrium but hospital administrators say media reaction has blown the problem out of all proportion.

Patients huddle for warmth in Beaumont hospital yesterday

“It’s not like it used to be”, said Harney Lackeybot Mk 2.3, directly from the HSE Bunker in Molesworth Street. “In the old days the trolleys were not that great, we freely admit that, but nowadays we have replaced those with state of the art new trolleys with fully functional wheels.

As well as that we have added full entertainment suites to each trolley location, meaning the humanoids, I mean patients, patients, are kept amused at all times. For example, there is a comprehensive library in each section and for the slightly less injured or ill patients there’s an exercise we call ‘Toilet dash’, which keeps them riveted let me tell you. The basic conceit is that the patient has to scurry to the toilet and hope their trolley hasn’t been given to a new patient in the meantime.

You hear people like Eamonn Keane on Newstalk going on and on about the failings of the health service but let me ask him and his ilk this? If we have no beds where else are we supposed to put these people? Trolleys and coridors are the only option. I can tell you that in England they’re left outside on benches bought from Homebase. Would he have us take the people off the trolleys and put them out into the bitter cold? We’re ahead of the game here in Ireland, we really are”.

But not all patients agree. John O’Sullivan has been waiting for admission to Tallaght Hospital since 2002. “The doctors told me I only had 6 months to live. Got the cancer, you see. But I’ve been on this trolley since the day I arrived and I’m fucked if I’m going to die and make it easy for him. And as for this ‘entertainment suites’, as they call them, a few raggedy copies of weeks-old Heat and Hello magazines are not what I’d call entertainment.

If I wanted to know about the state of Kerry Katona’s gee I’d ring up that cunt Brian McFadden”.

Minister for Health, Mary Harney, was unavailable for comment but sources have told the Irish Sentinel that a new Trolley Displacement Committee has been set up to look into the problem. To create the available resources 52 nurses have been fired with immediate effect.

Many feel the move is long overdue with bloated agencies costing millions per year on wages, first class transatlantic flights and high-class Eastern European escorts. The most radical changes will be made in the health service with the entire HSE to be abolished from the end of March 2009.

A network of witch-doctors is to be assigned to each postcode in the Dublin area while travelling clinics will treat the rest of the country.

To oversee the changes a new agency, the National Operations Bureau (NOB), will be established. This agency will oversee spending, job creation, state purchases and the day to day running of the public sector in general.

It is thought as many as 75,000 jobs could be created.

Rancor: Cushy number with the HSE

Following the dissolution of the Hutt Party yesterday, it’s been an extremely busy week for the Minister. She now finds herself without her political party to back her up in any major cabinet decisions.

Speaking to the Irish Sentinel earlier this morning, Harney explained that, although the lives of thousands of young women could be saved annually, budget constraints had forced her to delay the implementation of the scheme for at least 72 years. She added: “Sure they’ll probably have a cure for cancer by 2081. I’ll be long in me grave by that time. Sure what the feck do I care. Now c’mon, where’s that breakfast roll you promised me?”

While her future within the Irish government looks uncertain, The Sentinel has learned that the Rancor has secured a high-ranking position within the Health Service Executive.

The Minister claims that due to the economic downturn that resources cannot be made available and must be allocated to more pressing areas of the health service. Critics have called for her resignation, again, with Healy-Rae saying “This is a thundering disgrace, worse than Eoin ‘the bomber’ Liston being dropped for that championship game against the Dubs back in 1982.

12 year olds set to die because of Harney

How can this woman sleep at night knowing she has condemned a load of young girls to gee cancer? I mean, of all the places to get cancer having it your gee must surely the be worst. You wouldn’t be able to pish or anything. She needs to stop and think about how she’d feel if her gee was a great big cancerous mess”.

Speaking from his newly renovated office, costing €250,000, former Taoiseach Bertie Ahern leapt to the defence of Harney. “Look, those that say the money should be found are talking garbage nonsense. Look, it’s one thing spending a few bob on doing up my office, despite the fact I’m not Taoiseach anymore, but to suggest that €10m or €20m should be found just to give 12 year olds an injection is stupid. Where are they supposed to get it? Do they think there’s a money tree at the back of Leinster House, the gobshites? They’re driving this government to the point where they’re going to have to start counterfeiting money and paying for things in cash and nobody wants to go back to those dark days.

Anyway, ask any 12 year old girl if she actually wants an injection and she’ll tell you ‘no’. What kid would? So it’s not as if you’re taking Bebo away from them or something. In fact, they could use it to their advantage by making sure they know that this government saved them the pain of an injection – they’ll get that back in votes in a few years, just you see”.

It’s just the latest in a long line of cutbacks by the Health Minister who recently approved a new scheme to replace dialysis machines with teasmaids, signing a €4m deal with Harvey Norman to supply the necessary equipment. Meanwhile acute cancer services in the North East are being hampered by the HSE’s insistence that prostate cancer be treated by inserting one plutonium rod into the rectal passages of up to 25 men a day.

Harney: Giz a bit of that Yorkie...

Mary Harney has announced today that women who wish to have their cancer results rechecked will not be charged for the privilege. The health service are kindly absorbing the cost.

In a completely unrelated story, a man was accidentally served a putrid, piss-covered  badger carcass in a top Dublin restaurant yesterday. The Sentinel learned that the customer had actually ordered the monkfish but there had been some kind of mix-up amongst the kitchen staff.

The head chef responsible for the incident did not apologise for the shit-storm of errors that occurred, nor will he face any health and safety disciplinary measures.

Suitably outraged, the customer proceeded to describe the chef as a “flaming cock juggler” and that he was not fit to cook toast.

An Bord Bia have seemingly turned a blind eye to the matter and the chef continues to operate the restaurant  as if nothing has happened.

The chef later stated that the man could come back to the restaurant at any time to have the monkfish he originally ordered, without charge.

: Reaction from displeased customer Gary Funt earlier today
Download audio file (hse_badger.mp3)

Terrence Brown, from Ennis, arrived in the emergency room at the hospital last Saturday night complaining pains throughout his body. After being examined by doctors and having had a number of x-rays he was advised they could find nothing wrong with him and sent him home with a prescription for a mild antibiotic and some painkillers.

Minister for Health fails to notice death of bridge partner

Mr Brown, a father of five, died some time early on Sunday morning. A post-mortem showed he’d been shot in the face, stabbed twenty-six times in the abdomen, poisoned with strychnine, had cancer of the liver, kidneys and lungs (including a tumour the size of a basketball in his stomach), was positive for HIV and Hepatitis C and was suffering from an acute case of German measels which caused open, pus-filled sores on his body.

The Minister for Health was unavailable for comment today but a HSE official has insisted doctors acted properly and with due care. “Look, what happened to Mr Brown is unfortunate but anybody could have missed those symptoms. They’re consistent with a dose of the flu and it was thought a bit of bed rest and some anitibiotics would have him up and on his feet in no time. Obviously we sincerely regret what has happened but let’s not make mountains out of molehills here.

Of course it’s unfortunate but you have to factor human error into every situation, every job. Haven’t you gone to a restaurant and asked for a steak medium rare then been given one well done? This is just the same thing. A breakdown in communication between the waiter and the chef is the same as one between a patient and a doctor. Perhaps if Mr Brown could have been more specific about the nature of his illness he’d still be alive today”.

Public faith in the health service is at an all time low and this latest misdiagnosis scandal is sure to make things worse. Rather than go to hospital a growing number of Irish people are instead choosing the use the internet to self-diagnose. Others still setting up tribes so they can appoint a witch-doctor who they feel will be more use to them than the kind who gives you three tests for cancer, tells you you’re all clear then goes ‘ooops’ when you die a few weeks later.

The deceased’s son, Terrence Jr, has called on the Minister for Health and Professor Brendan Drumm, head of the HSE to resign. “How many more people have to die due to the incompetence of HSE staff until somebody takes some responsibility? They can blame doctors, nurses, funding, or anything else, but ultimately these two are responsible. They’re paid the big money, yet they continually fudge the issue and people dying of cancer are being told they’re healthy.

How can the public have any trust in the health service? How badly does it have to be run before somebody does something about it?”, he said before being admitted to hospital himself having picked up MRSA when visiting the Clare General to complain about his father’s treatment.

: Public reaction to the latest scandal plus a quote from Clare General oncologist Dr Turlough McDowell.

Download audio file (hse.mp3)