Willie O'Dea smiles through the pain

The Limerick TD was clearly emotional as recent events had been ‘very difficult’ for him in the wake of his allegations against Sinn Fein’s Maurice Quinlivan which suggested the councillor was brothel keeper. As he was further challenged as to whether or not he received the information he forgot he mentioned to a journalist but then remembered after he’d made a sworn affidavit from the Gardai, Mr O’Dea could be heard keening softly ‘No more, no more’.

A Fianna Fail insider told the Irish Sentinel that the Minister was ‘in bits’ and called on the opposition and media to ’stop being so unspeakably mean’.

“This persecution of a great man is beyond the pale. Yes, Willie O’Dea is also a victim. A victim in that he was made pay compensation in a defamation case. A victim in that he has been subjected to the kind of questioning in the Dail that no other politician has ever had to face. A victim in that he is being made tell his ludicrous story over and over again? Have they forgotten that he is a Fianna Fail minister or something? Since when was it acceptable to hold a member of this great party accountable to their actions and, less importantly, their words?”

“It’s been tough on Willie. Imagine how hard it must be to sit there and have your wrongdoings exposed in public when they should have just been ignored the way they are for any other member of Fianna Fail. Those pictures of him laughing smugly only hide the heartbreak and anguish he is feeling at this moment in time. He won’t be seen to be affected but on the inside he is crying like John Waters writing about Katy French”.

And the Minister’s future looked ever more uncertain as a Green Party meeting to discuss their support of the government took place. Well placed sources told us that John Gormley and Eamon Ryan got down on their knees to beg for full support of the coalition and their Ministerial salaries while a number of party members, who between them found an ounce of morality, are determined to ‘do the right thing’.

Speaking on his Twitter account, party Chairman Dan Boyle called for Willie O’Dea’s resignation and set up a Facebook group “I’m just testing the waters here but if I were, hypothetically speaking, to go against the party leadership and continue to condemn O’Dea would you still be my friends?”.

As of this afternoon almost tens of people had joined, all the while Willie O’Dea’s moustache is twitching like a geriatric Yosemite Sam as his political career remains uncertain.

In what experts are calling the ultimate stealth tax every household in Ireland will have to pay €175 to have a PPF toilet installed, proving a major boom for builders who have found work hard to come by. Minister for the Environment John Gormely explains. “What’s the biggest waste of money in Ireland today? No, not the Irish Independent. No, not the bailout for the banks using the money we’ve ripped off from the savings of people who have been ripped off by the banks in the first place? No, not even groceries in Fallon & Byrne.

Poulaphouca feeling the effects of Ireland's dry summers

It’s water. We waste so much water and water isn’t free, you know. It’s not like there’s a magic water tree or water falls from the sky. And wasting water costs money as we have to pay for adverts on the TV and radio to remind people not to waste water. I know people don’t actually have to water their lawns for an hour, what with the fact it rains 23 hours a day in Ireland, but we have to tell them just in case we do get some sunshine one day.

Anyway, the point is that one of the biggest wastes of water is when people flush their toilets. These new toilets are pay per flush and the price of each flush depends on what you’re flushing. There’s a standard 20 cent charge for a wee but all stools will be electronically weighed as they hit the toilet bowl and you’ll pay per weight to flush them. We haven’t quite decided on the price per kilo but if you go to the supermarket you’ll see mince is about €4 per kilo and a brown baby boy is only half as nutritous as mince so we’re thinking €2 per kilo.

I realise this isn’t actually going to save that much water but what I think you’ll find is that people will fill up their toilets before flushing as you’ll get extra value for flushing in bulk. Easy-Z-flush swipe cards will be available in supermarkets and newsagents across Ireland and we’re hoping to have the system in place by the end of the year’.

It is believed that Armitage Shanks has won the tender to manufacture the toilets, beating off rival bids from Roca and a consortium led by former Irish international Ashley Grimes.

But critics of the plan say the government has gone too far, pointing out that similar schemes in Germany and France have failed to provide any water savings and have done little but make Dynarod even richer as pipes fail to cope with kilos of faeces being sluiced in one go.

“It’s a godsend for people like us”, said Dynarod boss Walt Pishney, “but the bottom line, if you’ll excuse the pun, is that people’s houses start to stink like a Burmese shack and the risks to peoples health are enormous with the emergence of an entirely new breed of dung beetle one of the obvious side effects. Some of them grow so large then can devour a small child”.

But Minister Gormley is not for moving, citing improved environmental standards and more money in government coffers which can then be used to rescue their friends in the banking and construction industries.

: A German man at the seaside tells us about how the scheme went down in his country.

Download audio file (german.mp3)

A new study showed that almost the whole water supply in the county is infected with the disease and experts are warning that things could get worse unless urgent action is taken. Public health notices have been posted countywide while shop owners have been unable to keep up with demand for bottled water since the news was broken late last night.

An EPA spokesman said “This is very serious indeed. A bit of lead is one thing, and even something that will give you the runs for a few days is manageable if not ideal, but the fact is people in Galway are being infected with HIV every time they have a cup of tea. Boiling the water doesn’t make the slightest bit of difference, it just gives them a warmed-up version of the virus”.

AIDS free vats being filled but is it too late?

Local residents are understandably annoyed. “This is disgraceful”, said Marian Reilly from Salthill, “I made a stew for the whole family last week and now all of us, except the youngest who had beans and potato waffles, have full blown AIDS”.

“I’m spewing about this”, said another man who wished to remain anonymous. “All we want is some fresh drinking water and they’re giving us the gay plague. I’ve seen that fillum with Tom Hanks. The last thing I want is to go out covered in lesions with Bruce Springsteen playing in the background. People say we should get revenge by going up with Dublin and making John Gormley drink a glass of Galway water, see how he likes life with with the disease. It sounds grand but I’ve half a mind to give it to him the old fashioned way”.

The Minister for the Envirnoment was unavailable for comment but a Green Party spokesperson told the Irish Sentinel that all measures were being considered to solve the problem, including sending everyone in Galway to Africa. “They have loads of AIDSers over there”, they said, “so they’d hardly notice a few more”.

It’s not the first problem the Greens have had to face in recent week. After the air in Sligo was found to contain pollutants that caused serious deformity in unborn, and many born, children and adults, the acid rain that melted the face off a baby in Cabra, and the radical new proposal to introduce a steering wheel tax to pay for carbon credits there are many that feel the Green Party should do the honourable thing and resign from government.

The latest suggestion that Galway residents should wear a condom when drinking from the tap must surely be the final straw.

Leading the charge was Labour leader Eamonn Gilmore who accused Taoiseach Brian Cowen of doing nothing and claimed that 146,000 people had lost their jobs since he took over as leader of the country. “Those figures are disgraceful”, he said, “yet the government do nothing”.

Brian Cowen hit back saying that it was “100% wrong” to accuse the government of doing nothing. “It just shows what little deputy Gilmore knows. For his information we’ve been making sure people are focussed on all the cancer scandals so they don’t notice how many jobs are being lost”.

Gormley unhappy at first day back pranks

The Fine Gael leader Enda Kenny also took aim at Brian Cowen suggesting that the job he was doing was less than exemplary and he called into question his parentage. “I would respectfully suggest”, he said, “that Mrs Cowen, the Taoiseach’s mother, would have been well known around her village for her lack of morals and the relative ease of access to her genital region. Also, deputy Cowen does not inspire dread in locals the way I do for I am fearsome and all powerful, slaying people not only with my handgun but with the style and speed with which I deliver my lyrical orations”.

Again this sparked an angry rebuttal from the Taoiseach who stood with his arms folded in an aggressive manner before freestyling Enda Kenny to brink of tears.

But there were moments of good humour too as John Gormley unveiled a new series of measures to reduce the carbon emissions into the Irish atmosphere.

“You could start by keeping your stupid mouth shut”, yelled Fine Gael’s Alan Shatter before the house erupted into laughter when Sinn Féin’s Caoimhghín Ó Caoláin snuck up behind the Green Party leader, rashered him with a steel edged ruler then gave him a massive wedgie.

Ahead of today’s pre-Dáil seminar in Tralee, a local meeting of The Irish Green Party has mooted the changing of their name from ‘Comhaontas Glas’ to ‘The Black Cross with Arms Thingy on a Striking Red and White Background Party’. The title ‘The Khaki Supremacists’ was also suggested.

The gathering, which was held in the parish hall of Our Lady of Perpetual Shame, Gorey, was attended by upwards of sixteen local activists and three irate would-be T’ai Chi practitioners.

‘The suggestion received enthusiastic support’ said Pádghraigh Rutger , the evening’s lispingly camp main speaker. ‘There is a strong feeling among the erstwhilely named Gorey Greens that the colour green and all it’s so called ‘earth-saving’ connotations have long jarred with the central tenants of our party. We are no longer a pack of reefer passing beatniks intent on depriving hard-working full time mothers with live-in childcare of their SUVs. Clodagh and Fionn have nowt to fear from us. We’re all about power these days. Power at any cost. And the word ‘green’ is no longer chopping the mustard.’

The Gorey Greens get together

Pressed on whether the symbol in question was in fact a replica of the swastika emblem used by the Nazi regime, Rutger became bullish:

‘We don’t want to be the new Nazi party. The ‘Black Cross with Arms Thingy on a Striking Red Background’ is by no means a swastika. And even if it is, the swastika originates from an ancient Hindu symbol that symbolically symbolises symbolism of some description. And while we’re certainly not too fond of Somalians, our party is not necessarily in favour of the deportation and extermination of the Jewish people. ‘

And the next step? Rutger intends taking the proposal to his political masters.

‘The Fianna Fáil run Gorey Neighbourhood Watch scheme have the final say in all such major decisions. But I’m confident that our superiors will see things our way. And if they don’t, may I be branded with a star and gasily showered for causing displeasure to my Overlords.’

The meeting was broken up to allow the regular users of the hall to perform ‘The Passing of The Wind’.

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