Israeli ambassador Liam Cullinane

The Israeli intelligence service has taken time out of its quarterly Irish passport panhandling exercise to compare notes about character assassination with the former Minister for Defence, Willie O’Dea.

Speaking on behalf of the visiting delegation, Deputy Mossad boss Finbar McGinty said:

“We were impressed with the direct way Mr. O’Dea tackled his mark. He said to the journalist: this man runs a whore house! Why not report on the whore house that this man run! This is like a verbal pillow used to smother a senior Hamas figure in a Dubai hotel, hypothetically speaking.”

Mossad are still under a very blotted microscope following the assassination of a Hamas operative in Dubai. Yesterday the BBC reported on a statement from Israel that said (and this is true):

“Israel’s foreign minister has said the use of false EU passports by a hit squad suspected of killing a leading Hamas official in Dubai did not prove the involvement of the Israeli spy agency, Mossad.”

Leading comedian Dara O’Briain said: “That is just a fucking awesome response. It’s like ‘just because your pet is roadkill and I have 11 cars registered in Europe, five of them Irish and they all have blood on their tyres, doesn’t mean that we ran over your pet, even though these are the only vehicles for 1,000 square miles and your pet and the eleven of us are sworn blood enemies. That doesn’t prove anything!”

Responding to hypothetical questions about the need for 11 assassins, Mossad’s McGinty said:

“Hypothetically speaking, Steven Spielberg is a big swinging dick in the Jewish world and he fancies a follow up to his movie Munich about a cadre of assassins who kill Palestinian militants in the wake of the 1972 Olympics. Hypothetically speaking.”

When queried about his Irish name, the Mossad boss said:

“I cannot answer that question at this time, please direct all further queries to our head of international relations, Daithí O’Mongáin.”

Back in Limerick, Willie O’Dea sought to divert media focus on his resignation with the announcement that his real name is Ely Shizmann and that just because a political opponent had been viciously defamed, and just because that political opponent was an enemy of his, it didn’t mean he had done the defaming, even though he was recorded on tape doing so.

The press were not to be distracted – until Michael O’Leary farted into a press release – and they pursued O’Dea about his co-operation with any Garda investigation into the matter of the alleged brothel. O’Dea said (direct quote):

“Of course I’d co-operate. How far I’d co-operate I don’t know. I’ll certainly co-operate to the best of my ability.”

One onlooker replied:

“What the fuck is that? This isn’t the fucking cub scouts – we’re not talking about a proficiency badge here! Best-of-my-ability me arse!”

“Who the fuck is she kidding with her stupid face and her crap mullet? She has about as much to do with republicanism as the new Lexus ISS220d.,” said one taxi driver.

With ‘Toodle-Lou’ out of the picture, the role of irksome, gobby Dublin-based fem-bot politician falls to the comically named Lucinda Creighton. Opponents of the FG dung beetle have repeatedly drawn attention her online namesake, a star of many DIY-themed pornography features. One such film, ‘Loose-inda and the incinerator’, sees our girl fight valiantly against a realistic plan for waste management only to be triple-penetrated by three black men, before almost choking to death in a torrent of jism.

Indeed, it’s a tough period for women politicians of every hue and it now seems certain that Minister for saying ‘fuck’ too much, Mary Coughlan, will be moved away from the rather important role of finding jobs for the country and right into the Department of Justice. When questioned on how appropriate it might be to have a Minister from Donegal in Justice in light of the Morris Tribunal, Coughlan said:

“Lick the f*****g c** out of my juicy f*****g f***hole you dirty f*****g a**eater!”

Nevertheless, media remained focused on the Tánaiste’s low profile as Fine Gael made huge grounds in the local elections. But experts say it remains to be seen whether a generation of new political hopefuls have shot their load too early by plumping for the blue-shirts during Fianna Fáil’s darkest hour. One political analyst explains:

“The essential difference between Fianna Fáil and Fine Gael is principles – Fine Gael have them and Fianna Fáil don’t. What voters conveniently forget is that a democracy gives you the politicians you deserve and previous elections clearly show us that principles are a burden at the ballot. This is why Fine Gael never get elected – they refuse to swallow their fairly crap principles and they can’t compete with Fianna Fáil, the party most likely to respond to the question ‘what is you name’ with the answer ‘what do you want it to be?”

“We had Bertie and the PDs and then Bertie the Socialist, all delivered without a hint of irony. This is possible because the national electorate is largely made up of queue-skipping, back-handed, scratch-my-back, selfish, cheating Irish people who see the application of rules as a direct affront to their ‘unconquerable’ charm. And then we all wonder where the support for Fianna Fáil comes from.”

“When the current downturn passes, a lot of rookie political blood will be spilt as the nation adopts its more comfortable position of ‘fuck the greater good, what can you do for ME?’ and we can expect Fianna Fáil to claw back a lot of ground in that environment.”

Rancor: Cushy number with the HSE

Following the dissolution of the Hutt Party yesterday, it’s been an extremely busy week for the Minister. She now finds herself without her political party to back her up in any major cabinet decisions.

Speaking to the Irish Sentinel earlier this morning, Harney explained that, although the lives of thousands of young women could be saved annually, budget constraints had forced her to delay the implementation of the scheme for at least 72 years. She added: “Sure they’ll probably have a cure for cancer by 2081. I’ll be long in me grave by that time. Sure what the feck do I care. Now c’mon, where’s that breakfast roll you promised me?”

While her future within the Irish government looks uncertain, The Sentinel has learned that the Rancor has secured a high-ranking position within the Health Service Executive.

Nicknamed ‘Honesty First’ it is expected that ministers from all departments, and even the Taoiseach, will admit to errors in order to let people know they can fix them. “How can anybody have any faith in a government which refused to admit its wrongdoings?”, said a Fianna Fail insider.

“By acknowledging the things they have done badly they can then turn around say ‘Hey, we know where we went wrong and as such we know exactly how to make things right again’. It’s a refreshing new side of politics and I’m sure the public will come to love it in no time, the feckless suckers”.

Spitting image puppet displays new slogan

The campaign was launched yesterday by Taoiseach Brian Cowen, Minister for Finance Brian Lenihan and some spotty lady (pictured left).

As government front benchers were being drilled on how to say the word ‘honesty’ without laughing into their hands and how not to automatically tell lies even when they want to tell the truth, new leaks were emerging about the upcoming budget.

It is believed that duty will increase on a packet of cigarettes by as much as €10, the price of a pint will go up by €1.50 except in the Dawson Street super-trendy bars where it will be €2, and the base rate of income to tax is to be raised to 98%.

Smokers rights groups were up in arms with Eddie Mulligan of the National Fag Agency saying “This is a disgrace. Once again smokers are being punished too severely. €10 in one go? Madness. I mean, I’m still not going to give them up but I will object most strenuously and by God I’ll collect the phlegm I cough up every morning and fling it at Brian Cowen if I ever see him”.

As well as that the government is making plans to use all the money earmarked for the health service and the construction of Metro north to buy Euromillions tickets every Friday.

: We asked an average smoker for their thoughts on the proposed increase on the blems in the new budget.

Download audio file (smoker.mp3)

Harney: Giz a bit of that Yorkie...

Mary Harney has announced today that women who wish to have their cancer results rechecked will not be charged for the privilege. The health service are kindly absorbing the cost.

In a completely unrelated story, a man was accidentally served a putrid, piss-covered  badger carcass in a top Dublin restaurant yesterday. The Sentinel learned that the customer had actually ordered the monkfish but there had been some kind of mix-up amongst the kitchen staff.

The head chef responsible for the incident did not apologise for the shit-storm of errors that occurred, nor will he face any health and safety disciplinary measures.

Suitably outraged, the customer proceeded to describe the chef as a “flaming cock juggler” and that he was not fit to cook toast.

An Bord Bia have seemingly turned a blind eye to the matter and the chef continues to operate the restaurant  as if nothing has happened.

The chef later stated that the man could come back to the restaurant at any time to have the monkfish he originally ordered, without charge.

: Reaction from displeased customer Gary Funt earlier today
Download audio file (hse_badger.mp3)

Hanging out with the minister for transport

The Irish Sentinel has today learned that over 1,400 provisionally licensed drivers are to be disciplined following recent changes to the motoring laws.

Most of the offenders had reportedly failed to properly display L-plates or had been using their vehicles unaccompanied by a fully-licensed driver.

As a result, the offenders are to be taken to a purpose built gallows in Portlaoise to be hanged immediately.

Minister for transport Noel Dempsey has been criticised for his harsh stance, but rebutted saying “It’s tough, but fair. We realise the new scheme will take a little getting used to but we’re doing it for the sake of public safety. We have to get the message across to our road users that life is precious, above all else.”

Dempsey, who himself retains shares in various quicklime and shovel companies in the region, declared the gallows open for business earlier this week with a oversized pair of comedy scissors.

An Taoiseach Brian Cowen was unable to attend the opening due to an emergency cabinet meeting with John Gormley TD to discuss this year’s crucial parsnip crop.