How Myers might look alongside Dunphy (proportions accurate to within 0.1%)

After Ireland’s defeat to France in the 6 Nations, Myers lambasted out-half Ronan O’Gara saying he was as weak as ‘Kate Moss after a weekend on the gicker’, prompting a furious response from the Munster man. He claimed Myers knew nothing about rugby and was in no position to make judgements.

“When I heard O’Gara say that Myers knew nothing about rugby I knew he was the perfect man for us”, said Nugent yesterday. “If there’s one thing we like here in RTE it’s consistency and since time immemorial we’ve had pundits who, as soon as they open their mouth, make it quite clear they haven’t the first notion about the sport they’re supposed to be commenting on. And I think it’s quite obvious from his appearances on ‘That’s all we have time for’ that Kevin is well suited to panel type shows … even if he does have to have all his ‘jokes’ written down on cards for him because he’s about as funny as infant leukemia”.

Myers himself refused to be drawn but suggested to the Irish Sentinel that he was ‘perfectly informed’ about ‘association football’. “You don’t need to be Einstein to know your way around this game for ruffians, sex pests and borstal boys. I know my Alex Fergunson from my Insane Wenger, my Phil Bruce from my Steve Brown. I know when a player is off the side and when a penalty ball should be allocated. I can tell you the main difference between a four-four-two and a three-six-five, the connection between Wayne Rooney’s brutish countenance and F Scott Fitzgerald’s Gatsby, and why Scimitar Bergkamptov is the best outside right since Alfred Finney.

And if I clash with Dunphy or Giles then it will simply be because they are wrong and I am right. They can accuse me all they like of having no background in the game but I’ve got a first class honours from the University of Kevin Myers. They have graduated from Bolton St VEC of thugball. One does not need to be a carpenter to see when one’s chair is incapable of supporting one”.

Reaction from football fans around the country has been mixed, with one poster on dangerhere.com saying “The one thing I always liked about RTE is that it wasn’t nearly as shit as ITV’s football coverage. Add this eloquent cunt to the panel and I’m gonna let Clive Tyldsley aurally rape me every time”.

Meanwhile RTE denied rumours that George Hook was to be removed from the rugby panel after upsetting Late Late Show host Ryan Tubridy by suggesting he was a Fianna Fail lackey. “There’s no truth to that at all”, said an insider. “Sure how could Ryan get upset by that? Everyone knows he’s up to his bollix with them and without the family connections he’d probably be a continuity announcer on TV3″.

Smaller clubs hope to fist their way into Europe

Under the current rules the fourth placed club in the league is automatically entered into the final qualifying round where they face a playoff game over two legs. However, a new proposal from Chief Exective Richard Scudamore would see the remaining 17 clubs battle it out for the final European place in a televised ‘Rock, paper, scissors’ tournament.

The move has been enthusiastically supported by all the clubs outside the ‘big four’ of Arsenal, Chelsea, Man United and Liverpool who have dominated the Champions League places in recent years.

“This is bloody marvelous”, said Alfred Dalrymple, Honorary Life Secretary of Hull City. “It’s about time they clubs like us a chance. Clubs that’d never be in Europe in’t million years. But now that they’ve taken away any need to qualify on merit we could find ourselves welcoming European giants like Real Madrid, Inter Milan or FC Rubin Kazan to’t KC Stadium”.

Fulham manager Roy Hodgson told the Irish Sentinel “I’m weally intewested in seeing how the Pwemier League bwing this into being. Obviously it’s twemendously exciting for clubs that have twaditionally stwuggled to get anywhere near fourth place. Personally I think it’s wight thing to do and we’ll be pwacticising our wock, paper, scissors after twaining evewy day”.

Critics of the idea say it will dilute the tournament even further, pointing out that at least the current system at least rewards consistency over the course of a season. “It’s a fuckin’ stupid idea, aye. Ye cannae turn on the bloody group without seeing the 4th best team in Bollockstan playing some shower o’ Romanian gypsies. If that’s their idea of Champions then I despair”, said one Premier League manager who asked not to be named before going after a BBC reporter with a empty bottle of Glenmorangie.

Meanwhile, UEFA have demanded an investigation into player salaries after they spoke out against Ashley Cole. According to their spokesman “Clearly footballers have more money than sense. This man is married to one of the hottest women on the planet yet sends pictures of his cock to dumpy hairdresssers and secretaries who probably have quims like a wizard’s sleeve. Something has to be done”.

Clubs have previously resisted attempts to introduce a salary cap but Cole’s latest indiscretion may just be the wake up call that football needs.

The former Spurs and Wolves and Coventry and Inter Milan and Fettercairn Rovers player has failed to acclimatise to life in Liverpool after spending most of his life in areas of much higher civilisation.

Getting closer - Keane celebrates his two yard miss against Hull

A source close to the player said “Robbie just can’t get to grips with Merseyside life. It’s like a foreign country for him -  he feels battered like Jamie Bulger at the moment. He’s struggled with the language for a start. He just can’t understand a word people are saying and they haven’t got a clue either when he speaks in that thick, Dublin brogue of his.

Then there’s the food. When you go from eating Funghi Trifolati followed by Gamberi Calamari Livornese with a handmade Tiramisu it’s hard to cope with ‘Southern Fried Poppin’ chicken’ and Beef Roast TV dinners from Iceland.

But he’s hopeful that things will get better in 2009. A player from abroad usually takes about 6 months to settle into life  in the Premier League and he’s sure that by the end of February he’ll be back to his best”.

So far this season Keane has missed open goals from 7 yards, 5 yards, 3 yards and, in the FA Cup game against Preston, failed to score from less than 2 inches in front of goal.

It has caused Liverpool manager Rafa Benitez to wonder if the £20m he spent on Keane was worth it although critics of the Spaniard will say that if he spent £7m on Italian Andrea Dossena then Keane is actually worth somewhere in the region of £98,655,000,000,000.

It transpired that Ireland’s girlfriend, 3 months pregnant at the time, and both his paternal and maternal grandparents were dining in an Indian Restaurant on Manchester’s famous curry mile when one Granny suffered a massive heart attack, the other drowned in the toilet after rushing there to vomit and the girlfriend miscarried the baby as she desperately tried to hold in a fart in case she shit her knicks. “I warned them not to have the vindaloo”, remarked restaurant owner, Charles Vikram Massala III.

Since then it has emerged that Ireland was the victim of bullying by certain elements of the team prior to this incident. “The abuse I got was terrible, I couldn’t take it any longer. Some of the lads on the team were so cruel, the shit they used to say…“Tarmac my drive you filthy Mick cunt.”, “I wish your family had died in the famine”, “IRA Cunt”, “Your aul one’s a snowblower”… it was just awful. I was left with no option but to leave the squad.”, said a teary eyed Ireland from the front seat of his Pink Hummer.

“I promised myself then that I’d never again play for the team but having seen how well the lads have done with Fabio Capello at the helm I’ve decided to return to the fold provided the following demands are met:

1 – If anyone takes the piss out of me in any way shape or form they are immediately dropped from the panel and banned from entering the country for 10 years. This will require an amendment to the Constitution of Ireland but if you want me back, you’ll do what the necessary.
2 – John O’Shea must not be allowed into the showers or shower area while I am there.
3 – Kevin Kilbane must cease walking with a hunchback with immediate effect
4 – Damien Duff must be removed from the squad and sent to a care home for Downs Syndrome children as the exploitation of the mentally ill does not sit well with me
5 – I get to drive the team bus
6 – Robbie Keane must never again do that stupid celebration of his as it makes him, me, the rest of the team, the manager, the assistant manager, the physio, the doctor, the stadium announcer, the stewards, the supportes and basically the entire country look like complete and utters cunts.
7 – The team be brought to McDonalds on the Kylemore road for happy meals following each victory
8 – I be allowed eat as many wham bars as I like in the lead up to games
9 – All ginger players be either removed from the panel or killed
10 – I get to play in just my superman pants

Duff: Not Impressed

If these demands are not met I’m afraid there is no chance I can return to the panel”

Wing wizard, Duff, was clearly not impressed with what Ireland had to say. “I’m going swimming!!”, remarked the slightly bewildered Ballyboden man. “That bleedin’ sap can ask me bollix” added a less than articulate Irish captain, Robbie Keane. When asked to comment on the ultimatum given him by Ireland, manager Trapattoni simply smiled and said “He no want a fuck a with a the silver a fox from a sorrento. I a fuck in his mammas face! He say to me “I want this” I say to him “Fuck to you!!Eat my shit!!”

Former boss, Steve Staunton, is up on murder charges after boring a journalist to death when quizzed about the matter.