The Fine Gael leader was in pensive mood after today's meeting

Under-pressure Fine Gael leader Enda Kenny today secured the backing of his party after the fall-out from the resignation of high profile TD, George Lee.

Serious questions had been raised about Kenny’s ability to continue as leader but after a meeting at Fine Gael HQ this afternoon senior party members came out in support.

“Enda Kenny is completely adequate to bring this party towards the next election”, said Gay Mitchell, while Michael Ring said “There’s no doubt in anyone’s mind that the current leadership of the party is completely passable”. Others described him as ’satisfactory’, ‘quite good indeed when compared with someone else who would be clearly worse at it than him … like a sleeping tramp’ and ‘averagely fair’. It has received a reasonable response from party members, one of whom told the Irish Sentinel “This is requisitely tolerable, which is as much as Fine Gael needs at this moment in time”.

It’s an important victory for Kenny who would have faced a challenge to his leadership from that beardy bloke, the one with the foreign name who’s always on the radio and looks like he was dropped on his head as a kid and Ireland’s only Jew, Alan Shatter.

Meanwhile, it has emerged that last minute attempts to prevent George Lee from leaving the party included the offer of a front bench seat, more input into the party’s economic strategy and even a last ditch promise of Lucinda Creighton or Olwyn Enright as his concubine. Lee, however, was not for turning and is said to be considering an offer from RTE Light Entertainment to front its new Sunday ethical dilemma show, Abortion or Mong.

“Who the fuck is she kidding with her stupid face and her crap mullet? She has about as much to do with republicanism as the new Lexus ISS220d.,” said one taxi driver.

With ‘Toodle-Lou’ out of the picture, the role of irksome, gobby Dublin-based fem-bot politician falls to the comically named Lucinda Creighton. Opponents of the FG dung beetle have repeatedly drawn attention her online namesake, a star of many DIY-themed pornography features. One such film, ‘Loose-inda and the incinerator’, sees our girl fight valiantly against a realistic plan for waste management only to be triple-penetrated by three black men, before almost choking to death in a torrent of jism.

Indeed, it’s a tough period for women politicians of every hue and it now seems certain that Minister for saying ‘fuck’ too much, Mary Coughlan, will be moved away from the rather important role of finding jobs for the country and right into the Department of Justice. When questioned on how appropriate it might be to have a Minister from Donegal in Justice in light of the Morris Tribunal, Coughlan said:

“Lick the f*****g c** out of my juicy f*****g f***hole you dirty f*****g a**eater!”

Nevertheless, media remained focused on the Tánaiste’s low profile as Fine Gael made huge grounds in the local elections. But experts say it remains to be seen whether a generation of new political hopefuls have shot their load too early by plumping for the blue-shirts during Fianna Fáil’s darkest hour. One political analyst explains:

“The essential difference between Fianna Fáil and Fine Gael is principles – Fine Gael have them and Fianna Fáil don’t. What voters conveniently forget is that a democracy gives you the politicians you deserve and previous elections clearly show us that principles are a burden at the ballot. This is why Fine Gael never get elected – they refuse to swallow their fairly crap principles and they can’t compete with Fianna Fáil, the party most likely to respond to the question ‘what is you name’ with the answer ‘what do you want it to be?”

“We had Bertie and the PDs and then Bertie the Socialist, all delivered without a hint of irony. This is possible because the national electorate is largely made up of queue-skipping, back-handed, scratch-my-back, selfish, cheating Irish people who see the application of rules as a direct affront to their ‘unconquerable’ charm. And then we all wonder where the support for Fianna Fáil comes from.”

“When the current downturn passes, a lot of rookie political blood will be spilt as the nation adopts its more comfortable position of ‘fuck the greater good, what can you do for ME?’ and we can expect Fianna Fáil to claw back a lot of ground in that environment.”

On Wednesday, Bruce Arnold of the Irish Indepedent likened Brian Lenihan’s pre-budget grimaces to the face of a man who just got off a statutory rape charge – sure, there’s relief, but how the hell do you visit granny after that? Nevertheless, sources say Lenihan is quietly confident about the upcoming budget.

“We have a plan”, said one party insider, “as long as Madonna agrees to adopt us. If that doesn’t work, we’re going to give Mary Coughlan a few whiskeys and she’s going to admonish the recession into submission.”

Described by supporters as ‘earthy’, the Tánaiste is believed to have strong support from the Death Row Records lobby and indeed the wider hip-hop community of South Central LA and the Westcoast scene. However the Irish diplomatic corps are less enthused:

“She’s got a chip on her shoulder – a talking chip that tells her to say ‘fuck’ every three words.”

Meanwhile, personal criticisms flew at the party’s Ard Fheis over the week end when Lucinda Creighton compared Enda Kenny to Mayor Quimby. ‘People-Of-Wesport….’ She droned in a surprisingly good Simpsons voice, but not before she was forced to deny that her name was reminicient of Ronseal hardware products. Ms Creighton responded by telling her critics to ‘eat my farts.’

The exchange, which took place during last night’s debate to bring about the 2008 Mentallers on the Streets legislation, sparked outrage from opposition members with Michael Ring having to be forcibly restrained while shouting “I’m going to knock his ignorant bollocks out of his arse”.

Lenihan -'Ruddy faced buffoon", says RTE's Kathryn Thomas

Lenihan, who had just the previous day referred to immigrant TD Leo Vadaskywalker as a ‘fascist’, claimed to be only joking but was clearly seen crossing his fingers and making the ‘I’m so not joking’ sneer. With a long history of making race related faux pas the Dublin South Central TD could find himself disciplined by Taoiseach Brian Cowen.

A source said “This is the last thing we need. With everything else that’s going on to have to deal with something like this is very bad for the party’s image. We thought he’d learned his lesson after Kebabgate and the ‘We should ask for our Live Aid money back because those darkies have only gone and spent it on guns’ debacle but he’s a loose cannon. If you ask me he couldn’t integrate one smaller software system with a larger one, let alone an inferior race with the Irish.

It might just be best for all concerned if he were moved to a less important junior ministry, like health or education”.

Fine Gael leader Enda Kenny called for the immediate resignation of Lenihan calling his vocabulary ‘reprehensible, despicable yet somewhat arousing’.

Meanwhile, the legislation which caused the problem, was passed almost unanimously by the Dáil. The only dissenting voice was Kerry TD Jackie Healy-Rae who said “It’d be mighty crack to see a load of mentalists going round the place. They’d be trying to fly and everything. Can you imagine the laughs?”

Minister for Health Mary Harney said the Independent TDs views were ‘archaic’ and ‘typical of a flat cap wearing bogtrotter’.

Leading the charge was Labour leader Eamonn Gilmore who accused Taoiseach Brian Cowen of doing nothing and claimed that 146,000 people had lost their jobs since he took over as leader of the country. “Those figures are disgraceful”, he said, “yet the government do nothing”.

Brian Cowen hit back saying that it was “100% wrong” to accuse the government of doing nothing. “It just shows what little deputy Gilmore knows. For his information we’ve been making sure people are focussed on all the cancer scandals so they don’t notice how many jobs are being lost”.

Gormley unhappy at first day back pranks

The Fine Gael leader Enda Kenny also took aim at Brian Cowen suggesting that the job he was doing was less than exemplary and he called into question his parentage. “I would respectfully suggest”, he said, “that Mrs Cowen, the Taoiseach’s mother, would have been well known around her village for her lack of morals and the relative ease of access to her genital region. Also, deputy Cowen does not inspire dread in locals the way I do for I am fearsome and all powerful, slaying people not only with my handgun but with the style and speed with which I deliver my lyrical orations”.

Again this sparked an angry rebuttal from the Taoiseach who stood with his arms folded in an aggressive manner before freestyling Enda Kenny to brink of tears.

But there were moments of good humour too as John Gormley unveiled a new series of measures to reduce the carbon emissions into the Irish atmosphere.

“You could start by keeping your stupid mouth shut”, yelled Fine Gael’s Alan Shatter before the house erupted into laughter when Sinn Féin’s Caoimhghín Ó Caoláin snuck up behind the Green Party leader, rashered him with a steel edged ruler then gave him a massive wedgie.