Israeli ambassador Liam Cullinane

The Israeli intelligence service has taken time out of its quarterly Irish passport panhandling exercise to compare notes about character assassination with the former Minister for Defence, Willie O’Dea.

Speaking on behalf of the visiting delegation, Deputy Mossad boss Finbar McGinty said:

“We were impressed with the direct way Mr. O’Dea tackled his mark. He said to the journalist: this man runs a whore house! Why not report on the whore house that this man run! This is like a verbal pillow used to smother a senior Hamas figure in a Dubai hotel, hypothetically speaking.”

Mossad are still under a very blotted microscope following the assassination of a Hamas operative in Dubai. Yesterday the BBC reported on a statement from Israel that said (and this is true):

“Israel’s foreign minister has said the use of false EU passports by a hit squad suspected of killing a leading Hamas official in Dubai did not prove the involvement of the Israeli spy agency, Mossad.”

Leading comedian Dara O’Briain said: “That is just a fucking awesome response. It’s like ‘just because your pet is roadkill and I have 11 cars registered in Europe, five of them Irish and they all have blood on their tyres, doesn’t mean that we ran over your pet, even though these are the only vehicles for 1,000 square miles and your pet and the eleven of us are sworn blood enemies. That doesn’t prove anything!”

Responding to hypothetical questions about the need for 11 assassins, Mossad’s McGinty said:

“Hypothetically speaking, Steven Spielberg is a big swinging dick in the Jewish world and he fancies a follow up to his movie Munich about a cadre of assassins who kill Palestinian militants in the wake of the 1972 Olympics. Hypothetically speaking.”

When queried about his Irish name, the Mossad boss said:

“I cannot answer that question at this time, please direct all further queries to our head of international relations, Daithí O’Mongáin.”

Back in Limerick, Willie O’Dea sought to divert media focus on his resignation with the announcement that his real name is Ely Shizmann and that just because a political opponent had been viciously defamed, and just because that political opponent was an enemy of his, it didn’t mean he had done the defaming, even though he was recorded on tape doing so.

The press were not to be distracted – until Michael O’Leary farted into a press release – and they pursued O’Dea about his co-operation with any Garda investigation into the matter of the alleged brothel. O’Dea said (direct quote):

“Of course I’d co-operate. How far I’d co-operate I don’t know. I’ll certainly co-operate to the best of my ability.”

One onlooker replied:

“What the fuck is that? This isn’t the fucking cub scouts – we’re not talking about a proficiency badge here! Best-of-my-ability me arse!”

“Who the fuck is she kidding with her stupid face and her crap mullet? She has about as much to do with republicanism as the new Lexus ISS220d.,” said one taxi driver.

With ‘Toodle-Lou’ out of the picture, the role of irksome, gobby Dublin-based fem-bot politician falls to the comically named Lucinda Creighton. Opponents of the FG dung beetle have repeatedly drawn attention her online namesake, a star of many DIY-themed pornography features. One such film, ‘Loose-inda and the incinerator’, sees our girl fight valiantly against a realistic plan for waste management only to be triple-penetrated by three black men, before almost choking to death in a torrent of jism.

Indeed, it’s a tough period for women politicians of every hue and it now seems certain that Minister for saying ‘fuck’ too much, Mary Coughlan, will be moved away from the rather important role of finding jobs for the country and right into the Department of Justice. When questioned on how appropriate it might be to have a Minister from Donegal in Justice in light of the Morris Tribunal, Coughlan said:

“Lick the f*****g c** out of my juicy f*****g f***hole you dirty f*****g a**eater!”

Nevertheless, media remained focused on the Tánaiste’s low profile as Fine Gael made huge grounds in the local elections. But experts say it remains to be seen whether a generation of new political hopefuls have shot their load too early by plumping for the blue-shirts during Fianna Fáil’s darkest hour. One political analyst explains:

“The essential difference between Fianna Fáil and Fine Gael is principles – Fine Gael have them and Fianna Fáil don’t. What voters conveniently forget is that a democracy gives you the politicians you deserve and previous elections clearly show us that principles are a burden at the ballot. This is why Fine Gael never get elected – they refuse to swallow their fairly crap principles and they can’t compete with Fianna Fáil, the party most likely to respond to the question ‘what is you name’ with the answer ‘what do you want it to be?”

“We had Bertie and the PDs and then Bertie the Socialist, all delivered without a hint of irony. This is possible because the national electorate is largely made up of queue-skipping, back-handed, scratch-my-back, selfish, cheating Irish people who see the application of rules as a direct affront to their ‘unconquerable’ charm. And then we all wonder where the support for Fianna Fáil comes from.”

“When the current downturn passes, a lot of rookie political blood will be spilt as the nation adopts its more comfortable position of ‘fuck the greater good, what can you do for ME?’ and we can expect Fianna Fáil to claw back a lot of ground in that environment.”

With a delegation that will include Minister for Finance, Brian Lenihan, and Cowen’s personal henchman and bodyguard, Mary Coughlan, the Fianna Fail leader will ‘hit the slots’ to try and win enough money to keep the country running for another 12 months.

Cowen in the red - just like the public finances

A source told the Irish Sentinel “All avenues have been explored and this, after much careful consideration, has turned out to be the best option. We would have invested in Euro Millions but unless there’s a 10 week rollover it’s just not viable.

We have to act now because the public would never forgive us if we sat around waiting for that rollover to happen. What if it got to 9 weeks and then some old bastard from Switzerland won it? We’d be accused of all kinds of inaction”.

Cowen, a ‘lethal’ poker player, according to friends, is likely to focus primarily on the blackjack and roulette games. Senior officials in the Department of Finance have outlined the strategy he’ll take. “He’s going to bet on red the whole time. So if he puts €2,000,000 and loses he’ll just put €4,000,000 down the next time. And if that loses he’ll put down €8,000,000. We’ve looked for a flaw in this plan but we just can’t see it. As long as he doubles whatever he loses on the next bet then he’ll be even at worst. How could it go wrong?”

Minister Lenihan meanwhile has undergone an intensive card counting course which includes watching the film 21 over and over again to see how to win big at the blackjack table.

His father, Brian Lenihan Sr, won a new liver in a game of pontoon with former Taoiseach Charles Haughey in 1987. Unbenknownst to him though Haughey used his connections in the medical world and surgeons in the Blackrock Clinic used a manatee’s liver in the transplant operation. Lenihan died soon afterwards.

Speaking last night Mr Cowen admitted his methods were unconventional but said “Let’s hope I can use the red to get the country back in the black, and that Lenno doesn’t go bust!”

Nobody laughed.

My name is Enda Kenny and I approve this message.

Upon hearing the results, The Sentinel learned this morning that Enda Kenny’s ego has multiplied by a factor of 42. He now equals both Eddie Hobbs and Gerry Ryan in terms of smug obnoxiousness.

With Fine Gael surging ahead in the poll, one can’t help but ponder on the outcome of the 2007 election in which Fianna Fail won by a 41.6% majority share. The numbers indicate an interesting pattern that we will now illustrate for our readers in the simplest terms possible:

You voted them back in, you fucking plebs. Despite the allegations, incompetence, corruption, greed, arrogance… you still found a soft spot in your collective heart for the gentle northside charms of aul Bertie. You obviously haven’t learned a thing from the Haughey years. Now the shit has hit the fan and you might not be able to afford that new 5 series you’ve been hankering after? You want Fianna Gael to come and fix all your problems?

Fuck you. Deal with it.

President Klaus was in Ireland to meet with Libertas, the shady underground movement many believe to be the inspiration for Quantum in the new James Bond film. Its omnipotent leader, Declan Ganley, hosted a party to launch the organisations movement into politics this week with Klaus as the guest of honour.

Rocky Dennis is pro-Lisbon

The star-studded event, which featured celebs such as Jim Corr, that model he went out with that looks the same as his sister and even has the same name for God’s sake, 2FM’s Gerry Ryan and Zig from Zig and Zag, took place at Libertas’s sophisticated underground lair which runs from beneath Gig’s Place on South Richmond Street to as far as Cassidy’s on Camden Street.

At the event President Klaus declared himself unhappy at the way Ireland had been treated for voting no to the Lisbon Treaty. He explained that the democratic wishes of the people must be respected and assured party-goers that when the Czech’s took over the EU Presidency in a few months time he would ’send over a few cases of Staropramen’ as a gesture of goodwill.

But Munster MEP Brian Crowley has taken exception to Klaus meeting Libertas as his comments. “This fella is nothing but a silly little prick”, he told reporters outside Le testicule d’or, where he was lunching at the expense of taxpayers. “We must not mis-interpret the Lisbon Treaty referendum result. 70% of the Irish people strongly back Irish membership of the European Union, with only 8% against. This was the clear finding of the IMS Millward Brown study that was carried out this summer into the attitudes of the Irish people towards Europe.

Of course by bringing this up I am simply muddying the waters myself and suggesting that Irish people are too thick to know the difference between voting no to a specific treaty and voting no to the EU as a whole. But the thing is, they are too thick, the great thick eejits. I mean, there’s certainly no other explanation as to why the treaty was rejected. It’s not that we took votes for granted, or that it was an impossibly long and vaguely comprehensible document. It’s all do with Irish people just being stupid. Now, if you’ll excuse me I’ve got to practice my ‘How can we be lovers if we can’t be friends?’ for this weekend’s Boltorama, the annual Michael Bolton impersonator festival in Basle”.

It is thought that Libertas could have as many as three hundred candidates for the next general election with many undecided voters hoping the organisation’s links with American defence contracters could mean easy access to personal RPGs, sub-machine guns and sonic blasters which are not even available on eBay.

: Czech President Vaclav Klaus talks at the Libertas launch party.

Download audio file (klaus.mp3)

The exchange, which took place during last night’s debate to bring about the 2008 Mentallers on the Streets legislation, sparked outrage from opposition members with Michael Ring having to be forcibly restrained while shouting “I’m going to knock his ignorant bollocks out of his arse”.

Lenihan -'Ruddy faced buffoon", says RTE's Kathryn Thomas

Lenihan, who had just the previous day referred to immigrant TD Leo Vadaskywalker as a ‘fascist’, claimed to be only joking but was clearly seen crossing his fingers and making the ‘I’m so not joking’ sneer. With a long history of making race related faux pas the Dublin South Central TD could find himself disciplined by Taoiseach Brian Cowen.

A source said “This is the last thing we need. With everything else that’s going on to have to deal with something like this is very bad for the party’s image. We thought he’d learned his lesson after Kebabgate and the ‘We should ask for our Live Aid money back because those darkies have only gone and spent it on guns’ debacle but he’s a loose cannon. If you ask me he couldn’t integrate one smaller software system with a larger one, let alone an inferior race with the Irish.

It might just be best for all concerned if he were moved to a less important junior ministry, like health or education”.

Fine Gael leader Enda Kenny called for the immediate resignation of Lenihan calling his vocabulary ‘reprehensible, despicable yet somewhat arousing’.

Meanwhile, the legislation which caused the problem, was passed almost unanimously by the Dáil. The only dissenting voice was Kerry TD Jackie Healy-Rae who said “It’d be mighty crack to see a load of mentalists going round the place. They’d be trying to fly and everything. Can you imagine the laughs?”

Minister for Health Mary Harney said the Independent TDs views were ‘archaic’ and ‘typical of a flat cap wearing bogtrotter’.

Not content with simply withdrawing support for the government the Dublin North-Central TD has promised supporters that he’ll give the Minister for Health the ‘kicking she deserves’. A friend of McGrath’s told the Irish Sentinel, “He is spewing over the medical card issue, like any right minded person, but for him this is the straw that broke the camel’s back. After the session yesterday he went after Harney bull-headed in the corridors of Leinster House and claimed her. He kept pushing her in the chest and saying ‘Come on then. Come on. Fight me. Come on, chicken. Are you chicken?’, before making squawking noises and flapping his arms like a farmyard bird.

Harney to avoid being a Joey

It was a very tense scene. All the other TDs, led by Enda Kenny, were standing around shouting ‘A-G, A-G-R, A-G-R-O, AGRO!’ but Harney was having none of it. Finian told her to meet him outside the Dail bar at 4pm where they’d have a scrap in front of everyone”.

It remains to be seen whether or not the Minister will turn up or whether she’ll be a cowardy-custard – but insiders tell us that if she doesn’t fight she’ll be putting the final nail in her political coffin. “People can tolerate somebody being absolutely terrible at their job. This is Ireland, after all. But if she doesn’t at least try to duff up McGrath then she’s going to look like a complete Joey Deacon and nobody is ever going to vote for a Joey, despite his kitsch value these days”.

If the bout of inter-party fisticuffs does go ahead it will be the first time a Minister has taken on an Independent since Ray Burke wedgied Tony Gregory in 1986 and then bent his arm behind his back until the Dublin Central TD was forced to ’submit’. Gregory calmly waited years for his revenge, having Burke thrashed by inner-city prison guards when he was jailed in 2005 for irregularties in his tax returns.

Nicknamed ‘Honesty First’ it is expected that ministers from all departments, and even the Taoiseach, will admit to errors in order to let people know they can fix them. “How can anybody have any faith in a government which refused to admit its wrongdoings?”, said a Fianna Fail insider.

“By acknowledging the things they have done badly they can then turn around say ‘Hey, we know where we went wrong and as such we know exactly how to make things right again’. It’s a refreshing new side of politics and I’m sure the public will come to love it in no time, the feckless suckers”.

Spitting image puppet displays new slogan

The campaign was launched yesterday by Taoiseach Brian Cowen, Minister for Finance Brian Lenihan and some spotty lady (pictured left).

As government front benchers were being drilled on how to say the word ‘honesty’ without laughing into their hands and how not to automatically tell lies even when they want to tell the truth, new leaks were emerging about the upcoming budget.

It is believed that duty will increase on a packet of cigarettes by as much as €10, the price of a pint will go up by €1.50 except in the Dawson Street super-trendy bars where it will be €2, and the base rate of income to tax is to be raised to 98%.

Smokers rights groups were up in arms with Eddie Mulligan of the National Fag Agency saying “This is a disgrace. Once again smokers are being punished too severely. €10 in one go? Madness. I mean, I’m still not going to give them up but I will object most strenuously and by God I’ll collect the phlegm I cough up every morning and fling it at Brian Cowen if I ever see him”.

As well as that the government is making plans to use all the money earmarked for the health service and the construction of Metro north to buy Euromillions tickets every Friday.

: We asked an average smoker for their thoughts on the proposed increase on the blems in the new budget.

Download audio file (smoker.mp3)

Leading the charge was Labour leader Eamonn Gilmore who accused Taoiseach Brian Cowen of doing nothing and claimed that 146,000 people had lost their jobs since he took over as leader of the country. “Those figures are disgraceful”, he said, “yet the government do nothing”.

Brian Cowen hit back saying that it was “100% wrong” to accuse the government of doing nothing. “It just shows what little deputy Gilmore knows. For his information we’ve been making sure people are focussed on all the cancer scandals so they don’t notice how many jobs are being lost”.

Gormley unhappy at first day back pranks

The Fine Gael leader Enda Kenny also took aim at Brian Cowen suggesting that the job he was doing was less than exemplary and he called into question his parentage. “I would respectfully suggest”, he said, “that Mrs Cowen, the Taoiseach’s mother, would have been well known around her village for her lack of morals and the relative ease of access to her genital region. Also, deputy Cowen does not inspire dread in locals the way I do for I am fearsome and all powerful, slaying people not only with my handgun but with the style and speed with which I deliver my lyrical orations”.

Again this sparked an angry rebuttal from the Taoiseach who stood with his arms folded in an aggressive manner before freestyling Enda Kenny to brink of tears.

But there were moments of good humour too as John Gormley unveiled a new series of measures to reduce the carbon emissions into the Irish atmosphere.

“You could start by keeping your stupid mouth shut”, yelled Fine Gael’s Alan Shatter before the house erupted into laughter when Sinn Féin’s Caoimhghín Ó Caoláin snuck up behind the Green Party leader, rashered him with a steel edged ruler then gave him a massive wedgie.