Now though an Irish Oxfam executive thinks he’s found the perfect solution. “For years now I’ve been trying to think of a way that we could finally wipe out famine in Africa”, said Peter Duggan. “We hear about food mountains and the waste of the western world but those are merely pipe dreams.

Corky - has fat reserves like a camel

At best they offer short-medium term solutions but once that help has been withdrawn the same problems exist. People are basically trying to exist on land which is not habitable. So how can sacks of grain help in any meaningful way?

Then I was watching the special Olympics and something struck me. You never see a starving Down Syndrome person do you? I mean, they’re all quite chunky and robust.

So, my proposal is that we genetically engineer crops and food supplies which will ensure that every single baby born in Africa has Down Sydrome and instantly you wipe out the problem of famine. It might sound somewhat harsh but what’s worse – a country full of loveable, bespectacled rogues like Corky or emaciated children being shat on by flies and eaten by vultures? We simply need to get a UN mandate and we can make Africa the oasis of life once again”.

However, critics don’t agree. “This is ridiculous. It’s tantamount to genocide”, said Mary Long of the Red Cross. “Everyone knows that Down Syndrome people can very rarely reproduce and if they do you get super-mongs and nobody wants that. The whole idea is a disaster”.

At the moment famine is affecting 19 African countries and with belts tightening due to the credit crunch charitable donations are expected to slump in 2009.

“We’ve got to act and act now”, concluded Duggan, while Cheeverstown House directors have given their approval to the plan saying it would allow them to expand into a worldwide franchise like they’d always dreamed of.

Without wishing to scaremonger at this difficult time the Irish Sentinel can only come to one conclusion: Ireland is set for another famine.

Delicious but deadly, Irish pig pictured yesterday

Already thousands of people have decided to emigrate and a new website, www.coffinships.com, has been rendered unavailable due to the incredible demand for Atlantic crossings. Experts are warning that unless emergency measures are taken then widespread starvation and disease are inevitable.

“Forget the recession or thinking of ways to adequately commemorate the death of Katy French, this is a real crisis. Just as potatoes were the staple diet in the 1800s so pork is today. Rashers, sausages, white pudding, black pudding, pork chops, deep fried snouts. Beyond that there’s little else in the average shopping trolley and people are going to die. Make no mistake, this could potentially see 90% of the population wiped out”.

The government has made an emergency appeal to England to send vital supplies but Prime Minister Gordon Brown has said that despite the drop in VAT for UK residents there will be no repeal of the Pork Laws, tariffs on pigs which keep the price of imported bacon artificially high.

And businesses are set to go to the wall with many ‘all day breakfast’ diners complaining that they have simply no way of providing customers with what they want. “What am I supposed to do?”, said Mick of Mick the Rashers in Harolds Cross. “Mick’s famous breakfast was 90% pork. A fried egg, some beans and a few mushrooms isn’t going to satisfy anyone. If this keeps up we may have to resort to the unthinkable. Yes, Linda McCartney’s meat free, quorn based sausages. And to be honest, I think people would rather starve than eat those things”.

And a spokesperson for O’Ryans Sandwich bars told us “We’re screwed. Do you know how many hang sangwiches we sell at lunchtimes?”

Officials from the Food Safety Authority of Ireland are assuring customers that the chances of side-effects from contaminated products are slim and that only mild mutations and semi-gigantic tumours are expected.

The reality of the situation is unlikely to hit home straight away but as the corpses pile up on the streets of our towns the only winners in all this are the undertakers.

Lord help us all.

Cary Grant - not welcome in Northern Ireland this Christmas

With the favourable exchange rate between sterling the euro consumers are voting with their feet and buying groceries, alcohol and their presents in towns throughout Northern Ireland. Despite concerns from the various Chambers of Commerce in the south the people and politicians of the north are keen to welcome and encourage new visitors.

Iris Robison, wife of DUP leader, NI first minister and Leeds goalkeeper Paul Robinson, and also MP for Strangford, was keen to roll out the red carpet, saying “It’s great for the economy of Northern Ireland to get so many catholics spending their money up here. That means they’re taking money away from catholics down there and with any luck there’ll be another famine. I think the people are coming to Northern Ireland not just for the prices but for the friendly welcome they receive up here”, she said whilst blasting a picture of the pope with the acid urine that shoots from her cavernous vagina.

But not everyone is welcome. Religious idenity can be overlooked but Robinson warned a section of society that they would be better off staying at home. “Let me just make one thing clear”, she said, “we want to keep Northern Ireland as the chaste, pious and uncorrupted nation it is now, so if we see any queers up here we’re going to bash them and put them in prison camps.

They are an abomination of God’s holy law and if they think they can come to Northern Ireland, do a bit of shopping, stopping only to bum each other in the Westwood Shopping Centre, then they’re sadly mistaken. And that goes for lezzers too. Boxes in Northern Ireland are for carrying things in, not for eating like a barbecued crayfish”.

There have been calls for Mrs Robimson to resign over the comments but as one off-the-record DUP member told us “She’s said much worse before and nobody batted an eyelid. Why would that change now?”.

The warning won’t deter gay Irish shoppers though with Shirley Temple Bar promising to ‘flounce up and down the Falls Road with my shopping bags’. Prominent Nothern Irish gay people have condemned Robinson as well with Calum Best saying “I once kissed Linday Lohan and she’s batting for the other side now so that makes me a bit gay or something and you know I’d really like to be on some new reality TV show if you know anyone that’s involved in that kind of thing. Do you know anyone? ANYONE?”

“Back in those days people loved spuds so much they’d eat them for breakfast, lunch and dinner. They’d boil them, fry them, roast them, sauté them, chip them, boil them, stew them and they’d even stick them on the George Foreman on special occasions.” Said Laslo Saintclaire, Historian and author of Famine book,  Hungry Cunts.

English injected spuds with flu

“It wasn’t like there was nothing else to eat. There was a Macaris takeaway in every town and village in the country but nobody wanted their patented brand of authentic Italian cuisine, they only wanted potatoes. Even when news of the killer virus infected spuds came to light, they couldn’t help themselves. Trying to get them to stop eating spuds would be akin to trying to stop Ryan Tubridy coming across as a smug, weasel faced little prick. It was just never going to happen.”

An Taoiseach, Mr Cowen, made the comments during a trip to France where he was meeting French premier, Nikolas Sarkozy to discuss the current crisis in global banking.

“It’s true. Without the famine, where would we be? There were 8 million cunts living in the country before that sweet, sweet disease arrived on our shores. Of the 2 million that died,1,999,999 of them were working in agriculture the other was that queer postman from Ballymore Eustace. The 2 million that left the country were predominantly farmers too so I’m sure you can see my point. Can you imagine what this place would be like with 4 million odd more farmers? Fuck me sideways, it would be a fuckin’ nightmare.

There’s barely enough land for the whinging bunch of punished minges that currently work the land around here, if there were 4 million more we’d have to pedestrianise Kildare Street, Nassau Street and most of Dame and Westmoreland streets to accommodate the amount of protest marches the fuckers would go on. And then there’s the smell. Have you ever smelled a farmer? Jesus Christ on a Raleigh Racer it’s fucking horrific. They smell worse than a knackers mattress.”

Opposition Leader, Enda Kenny remarked on the Taoiseachs outburst “I find The Taoiseach’s comments to be  incredibly insulting to members of the farming community. It really does baffle me, especially when you consider that his own father was pig raping wheat reaper himself. He seems to have alienated the entire agrilculture industry in this country on the basis that they may smell bad? It’s a bit rich when you think about the malodourous heifer he has running the health system in this country. The bang off her gargantuan clunge would overwhelm a sewage worker.”

“This is the greatest injustice in the farming community since Glenroe was cancelled. WE didn’t stand idly by then and we’re not about to start now”,said Scratch Pa Flaherty of the IFA.