The Fine Gael leader was in pensive mood after today's meeting

Under-pressure Fine Gael leader Enda Kenny today secured the backing of his party after the fall-out from the resignation of high profile TD, George Lee.

Serious questions had been raised about Kenny’s ability to continue as leader but after a meeting at Fine Gael HQ this afternoon senior party members came out in support.

“Enda Kenny is completely adequate to bring this party towards the next election”, said Gay Mitchell, while Michael Ring said “There’s no doubt in anyone’s mind that the current leadership of the party is completely passable”. Others described him as ’satisfactory’, ‘quite good indeed when compared with someone else who would be clearly worse at it than him … like a sleeping tramp’ and ‘averagely fair’. It has received a reasonable response from party members, one of whom told the Irish Sentinel “This is requisitely tolerable, which is as much as Fine Gael needs at this moment in time”.

It’s an important victory for Kenny who would have faced a challenge to his leadership from that beardy bloke, the one with the foreign name who’s always on the radio and looks like he was dropped on his head as a kid and Ireland’s only Jew, Alan Shatter.

Meanwhile, it has emerged that last minute attempts to prevent George Lee from leaving the party included the offer of a front bench seat, more input into the party’s economic strategy and even a last ditch promise of Lucinda Creighton or Olwyn Enright as his concubine. Lee, however, was not for turning and is said to be considering an offer from RTE Light Entertainment to front its new Sunday ethical dilemma show, Abortion or Mong.

Aunt Sally was in agreement with Brian Cowen

The latest live register figures show that almost every single person in Ireland is now unemployed but Taoiseach Brian Cowen said the country was being ‘led in the right direction’. To a cacophony of heckling, whistling and some contemplative swearing from Paul Gogarty, Mr Cowen said “You’re looking at it all wrong. Of course if you take the facts in isolation then they look bad. Hundreds of thousands employed. Violent crime increasing dramatically. Houses being reposssessed. Social decline. All of these things look bad but nobody thinks of the positives.

Sure, more people are unemployed but the rate of people becoming unemployed is slowing by up to 0.0003% per month. That’s progress in anyone’s language and let’s not forget that the more people there are unemployed the more jobs there should be for everyone else. And as for crime, there’s a little thing some of us with a bit of vision like to call ‘the future’. How can we dramatically improve crime figures if they don’t get worse first?”

Cowen was backed by Tánaiste Mary Coughlan who said “Oh aye, whatever Brian said is what I think. He’s a wee charmer, isn’t he?”

Labour leader Eamon Gilmore pulled no punches, saying “This government is so clueless you can put that Ray Foley from Today FM in charge and things would improve. Sure, he might be a sub-par, thinks he’s funny but really isn’t, Chris Moyles copycat but I bet he’d get off his zany arse and do something about the crisis this country is facing”.

Having been pummelled by Gilmore, the Taoiseach then faced Enda Kenny, who had the perfect opportunity to deliver the knock out blow but once against spent so long stammering and trying to add a soupçon of cutting humour to his riposte that everyone had gone home by the time he finished.

On Wednesday, Bruce Arnold of the Irish Indepedent likened Brian Lenihan’s pre-budget grimaces to the face of a man who just got off a statutory rape charge – sure, there’s relief, but how the hell do you visit granny after that? Nevertheless, sources say Lenihan is quietly confident about the upcoming budget.

“We have a plan”, said one party insider, “as long as Madonna agrees to adopt us. If that doesn’t work, we’re going to give Mary Coughlan a few whiskeys and she’s going to admonish the recession into submission.”

Described by supporters as ‘earthy’, the Tánaiste is believed to have strong support from the Death Row Records lobby and indeed the wider hip-hop community of South Central LA and the Westcoast scene. However the Irish diplomatic corps are less enthused:

“She’s got a chip on her shoulder – a talking chip that tells her to say ‘fuck’ every three words.”

Meanwhile, personal criticisms flew at the party’s Ard Fheis over the week end when Lucinda Creighton compared Enda Kenny to Mayor Quimby. ‘People-Of-Wesport….’ She droned in a surprisingly good Simpsons voice, but not before she was forced to deny that her name was reminicient of Ronseal hardware products. Ms Creighton responded by telling her critics to ‘eat my farts.’

Labour leader Eamon Gilmore, along with party colleagues, drafted the motion at a secret convention in an upstairs room at Buswell’s Hotel last Saturday night. The Labour Party’s motion notes that in recent times whenever the government has spoken in public they have made themselves sound and/or look like complete turnips and suggests that a period of ‘quiet time’ would be beneficial.

Labour's secret source

“To us it’s obvious”, said a shiny-headed Labour insider. “Since this economic crisis began the government have done nothing to make the situation any better. Every day they’re sending ministers and back-benchers to speak to newspapers, TV and radio, and every time they do they put their feet right into their collective mouths.

Billion euro bailouts for banks are lauded as proactive and necessary yet a few bob here and there for special needs kids and cervical cancer vaccines has them stumbling and suttering like Proinsias De Rossa on crack. The Minister for Finance admits he doesn’t read important documentation, that gombeen Willie O’Dea still has that stupid looking moustache and Mary Coughlan stands around like a heifer while jobs are lost in their thousands every week.

We feel that in the best interests of the public they should be made shut their mouths for the next three months. They should just get their head down and concentrate on their work. I mean, it’s not going to improve it that much but the situation is so desperate we have to do what we can.

Every single time they say something they dent public confidence. Now is the time for the government to not put up and just shut up!”

The motion will be tabled and discussed at a special sitting of the Dail this evening.

Meanwhile, Fine Gael leader Enda Kenny is yet to decide if his party will support the motion. FG sources tell us he is leaning towards voting against it due to the fact that if the goverment don’t say anything then he won’t have anything to say ‘That’s nonsense’ in reaction to and will be forced to think of original things to say.

My name is Enda Kenny and I approve this message.

Upon hearing the results, The Sentinel learned this morning that Enda Kenny’s ego has multiplied by a factor of 42. He now equals both Eddie Hobbs and Gerry Ryan in terms of smug obnoxiousness.

With Fine Gael surging ahead in the poll, one can’t help but ponder on the outcome of the 2007 election in which Fianna Fail won by a 41.6% majority share. The numbers indicate an interesting pattern that we will now illustrate for our readers in the simplest terms possible:

You voted them back in, you fucking plebs. Despite the allegations, incompetence, corruption, greed, arrogance… you still found a soft spot in your collective heart for the gentle northside charms of aul Bertie. You obviously haven’t learned a thing from the Haughey years. Now the shit has hit the fan and you might not be able to afford that new 5 series you’ve been hankering after? You want Fianna Gael to come and fix all your problems?

Fuck you. Deal with it.

The exchange, which took place during last night’s debate to bring about the 2008 Mentallers on the Streets legislation, sparked outrage from opposition members with Michael Ring having to be forcibly restrained while shouting “I’m going to knock his ignorant bollocks out of his arse”.

Lenihan -'Ruddy faced buffoon", says RTE's Kathryn Thomas

Lenihan, who had just the previous day referred to immigrant TD Leo Vadaskywalker as a ‘fascist’, claimed to be only joking but was clearly seen crossing his fingers and making the ‘I’m so not joking’ sneer. With a long history of making race related faux pas the Dublin South Central TD could find himself disciplined by Taoiseach Brian Cowen.

A source said “This is the last thing we need. With everything else that’s going on to have to deal with something like this is very bad for the party’s image. We thought he’d learned his lesson after Kebabgate and the ‘We should ask for our Live Aid money back because those darkies have only gone and spent it on guns’ debacle but he’s a loose cannon. If you ask me he couldn’t integrate one smaller software system with a larger one, let alone an inferior race with the Irish.

It might just be best for all concerned if he were moved to a less important junior ministry, like health or education”.

Fine Gael leader Enda Kenny called for the immediate resignation of Lenihan calling his vocabulary ‘reprehensible, despicable yet somewhat arousing’.

Meanwhile, the legislation which caused the problem, was passed almost unanimously by the Dáil. The only dissenting voice was Kerry TD Jackie Healy-Rae who said “It’d be mighty crack to see a load of mentalists going round the place. They’d be trying to fly and everything. Can you imagine the laughs?”

Minister for Health Mary Harney said the Independent TDs views were ‘archaic’ and ‘typical of a flat cap wearing bogtrotter’.

Leading the charge was Labour leader Eamonn Gilmore who accused Taoiseach Brian Cowen of doing nothing and claimed that 146,000 people had lost their jobs since he took over as leader of the country. “Those figures are disgraceful”, he said, “yet the government do nothing”.

Brian Cowen hit back saying that it was “100% wrong” to accuse the government of doing nothing. “It just shows what little deputy Gilmore knows. For his information we’ve been making sure people are focussed on all the cancer scandals so they don’t notice how many jobs are being lost”.

Gormley unhappy at first day back pranks

The Fine Gael leader Enda Kenny also took aim at Brian Cowen suggesting that the job he was doing was less than exemplary and he called into question his parentage. “I would respectfully suggest”, he said, “that Mrs Cowen, the Taoiseach’s mother, would have been well known around her village for her lack of morals and the relative ease of access to her genital region. Also, deputy Cowen does not inspire dread in locals the way I do for I am fearsome and all powerful, slaying people not only with my handgun but with the style and speed with which I deliver my lyrical orations”.

Again this sparked an angry rebuttal from the Taoiseach who stood with his arms folded in an aggressive manner before freestyling Enda Kenny to brink of tears.

But there were moments of good humour too as John Gormley unveiled a new series of measures to reduce the carbon emissions into the Irish atmosphere.

“You could start by keeping your stupid mouth shut”, yelled Fine Gael’s Alan Shatter before the house erupted into laughter when Sinn Féin’s Caoimhghín Ó Caoláin snuck up behind the Green Party leader, rashered him with a steel edged ruler then gave him a massive wedgie.