President Obama said:

“That’s what’s so fucking cool about cancer – that shit shows up all over the place and BAM! Kim Ding-Dong is prawn toast.”

Kim: Still ronery.

The Association for Idiots Against Tasteless Internet Drivel meeped and whined about how we shouldn’t laugh at someone’s misfortune, but the rest of the meat-eating, leather-wearing world said the cunt deserves it, things can only get better for North Korea and we look forward to seeing some North Korean porn, because there definitely hasn’t been any of that.

Alan Greenspan, former chairman of the US Federal Reserve said:

“North Korea will now be able to avail of international loans and credit to kick-start its economy, but these loans have a price: The liberalisation of markets, the privatisation of state assets – and porn. Porn is to the 21st Century what McDonalds was in the 1900s. America does not go to war with nations that produce porn. Iran – No porn. Afghanistan – No porn. These are the harsh truths that you don’t hear discussed in the UN security council, but if we knew the Taliban insurgency exported babysitter or secretary-themed sex videos, it would solve a lot of problems and save a lot of lives.”

Porn-ification has been touted as the scourge of the current global recession and it could take over from the lofty, disbelievable notion that being green could actually save the world and the economy at the same time. One economics professor said:

“I mean come ON! That’s like saying we’re going to cure hunger with crayons.”

On Wednesday, Bruce Arnold of the Irish Indepedent likened Brian Lenihan’s pre-budget grimaces to the face of a man who just got off a statutory rape charge – sure, there’s relief, but how the hell do you visit granny after that? Nevertheless, sources say Lenihan is quietly confident about the upcoming budget.

“We have a plan”, said one party insider, “as long as Madonna agrees to adopt us. If that doesn’t work, we’re going to give Mary Coughlan a few whiskeys and she’s going to admonish the recession into submission.”

Described by supporters as ‘earthy’, the Tánaiste is believed to have strong support from the Death Row Records lobby and indeed the wider hip-hop community of South Central LA and the Westcoast scene. However the Irish diplomatic corps are less enthused:

“She’s got a chip on her shoulder – a talking chip that tells her to say ‘fuck’ every three words.”

Meanwhile, personal criticisms flew at the party’s Ard Fheis over the week end when Lucinda Creighton compared Enda Kenny to Mayor Quimby. ‘People-Of-Wesport….’ She droned in a surprisingly good Simpsons voice, but not before she was forced to deny that her name was reminicient of Ronseal hardware products. Ms Creighton responded by telling her critics to ‘eat my farts.’

Enjoys fine dining while people starve

The star of TV hits such as ‘Show me the money’, ‘Spend it like Beckham’, ‘Eddie’s Euro Vision’ and ‘Eddie does Dallas’ today held a press conference in Captain America’s on Grafton Street. Hobbs munched on tepid fries and nibbled the fat from the BBQ ribs as he told journalists “I told yiz this’d happen, didn’t I? Didn’t I? But yiz wouldn’t listen to a little annoying fella from Cark. No, that’d be beyond yiz but who’s laughin’ now? For the fella from the Daily Mirror, it’s me that’s laughin’, you can put your hand down”.

Hobbs, who critics have likened to a four-eyed toad with an aptitude for Microsoft Excel, went on to blame not just the government but the entire population for the predicament. “If yiz’d been a bit more spendthrift instead of splashin’ the money around like a pack of rappers who’ve just had their first gold record but don’t realise the record company still owns their hairy, black arses then maybe we wouldn’t be in this position today. You can’t say I didn’t tell yiz though. I know nobody likes people who say I told you so but by Jesus I told yiz so”.

Financial experts are warning that things could get even tougher in the months to come. Brian McGrath of Davy Stockbrokers told the Irish Sentinel “What you’ll probably see over the next little while is people tightening their belts, quite literally, because they can’t afford to eat. Naturally this is going to have a massive impact on the gym industry which has been the backbone of the economy since the early 90s. As soon as people started getting a bit of money then it hugely impacted on their vanity and in order to sate that desire they had to join gyms. From the cheap and cheerful Ben Dunne ones to the exclusive ‘happy ending’ members clubs almost 94% of Irish people are members of a gym.

With luxuries such as food, sanitation and medicine being the first things people will cut back on their self-esteem will plummet, there’ll be no need for the gym memberships, the gyms will close and when that happens we’ll have hit rock bottom. Even if things do improve slightly there won’t be any gyms so we’ll become a nation of desperately unhappy skeletal people and, without trying to look at the worst case scenario, it’s not impossible that Irish people could become extinct within the next fifty years.

Only the very rich will survive and as we all know it’s the common people who breed most often. With no plebs we will simply die out”.

But the government is calling for people not to panic and Minister for Finance Brian Lenihan has assured people that he knows exactly what he’s doing. When asked what those two bulging suitcases were for and why he was holding a one-way plane ticket for Panama he said his department would explain in the very near future.

: The people of Clontarf give their reaction to the news of the Ireland’s recession plus we hear from chief economist at Supermacs group who gives his stark solution to the problem.

Download audio file (hobbs_mix.mp3)

Handsome Poles leave Ireland and Irish women bereft

“Something had to give. We were reluctant to force our cutbacks on our Irish staff, most of whom have travelled from as far away as Mullingar and even Carlow to settle down in the Dublin area. It would have been too much to ask to have them uproot again and return back to the shanties from whence they came. Also, the fact that Polskis had a far better grasp of the English language than the locals made it easier for them to understand the word ‘redundancy’”, remarked Brian Trowel, a director with Irelands largets building contractors, Sisk.

“With the amount of these Asian fellas around the place now we’d have been mad in the head not to look down this avenue. I mean, the Irish lads still need their breakfast rolls in the morning and those ladders won’t hold themselves but these lads will  work a fuckin’ pittance! Plus, it’s easier for them to communicate with the staff at the deli counter in Eurospar as I’m fairly sure they’re all related to each other. Well they all look the same to me anyway, what!!” continued, Trowel.

“We like job Ireland. Why we no job no more? Dirty people steal our job. We now go home to (how you say?)….  SHITHOLE Polska with no money. FUCK IRLANDA” said an emotional Pavel Wrkhorz, of the Polish Workers Union, shortly before boarding Ryanair flight FR451 to Krakow.

Since the mass exodus of Polish workers began a few months ago the National Roads Authourity has announced a 400% reduction in road traffic accidents and the Unique boutique in Dublin’s Ilac Centre has been forced to close due to the sharp decline in sales of leather bomber jackets.

: BATU (Building and Allied Trade Union ) deputy secretary Padraig O’Shallahanty gives his reaction to the news.

Download audio file (building21.mp3)