“Who the fuck is she kidding with her stupid face and her crap mullet? She has about as much to do with republicanism as the new Lexus ISS220d.,” said one taxi driver.

With ‘Toodle-Lou’ out of the picture, the role of irksome, gobby Dublin-based fem-bot politician falls to the comically named Lucinda Creighton. Opponents of the FG dung beetle have repeatedly drawn attention her online namesake, a star of many DIY-themed pornography features. One such film, ‘Loose-inda and the incinerator’, sees our girl fight valiantly against a realistic plan for waste management only to be triple-penetrated by three black men, before almost choking to death in a torrent of jism.

Indeed, it’s a tough period for women politicians of every hue and it now seems certain that Minister for saying ‘fuck’ too much, Mary Coughlan, will be moved away from the rather important role of finding jobs for the country and right into the Department of Justice. When questioned on how appropriate it might be to have a Minister from Donegal in Justice in light of the Morris Tribunal, Coughlan said:

“Lick the f*****g c** out of my juicy f*****g f***hole you dirty f*****g a**eater!”

Nevertheless, media remained focused on the Tánaiste’s low profile as Fine Gael made huge grounds in the local elections. But experts say it remains to be seen whether a generation of new political hopefuls have shot their load too early by plumping for the blue-shirts during Fianna Fáil’s darkest hour. One political analyst explains:

“The essential difference between Fianna Fáil and Fine Gael is principles – Fine Gael have them and Fianna Fáil don’t. What voters conveniently forget is that a democracy gives you the politicians you deserve and previous elections clearly show us that principles are a burden at the ballot. This is why Fine Gael never get elected – they refuse to swallow their fairly crap principles and they can’t compete with Fianna Fáil, the party most likely to respond to the question ‘what is you name’ with the answer ‘what do you want it to be?”

“We had Bertie and the PDs and then Bertie the Socialist, all delivered without a hint of irony. This is possible because the national electorate is largely made up of queue-skipping, back-handed, scratch-my-back, selfish, cheating Irish people who see the application of rules as a direct affront to their ‘unconquerable’ charm. And then we all wonder where the support for Fianna Fáil comes from.”

“When the current downturn passes, a lot of rookie political blood will be spilt as the nation adopts its more comfortable position of ‘fuck the greater good, what can you do for ME?’ and we can expect Fianna Fáil to claw back a lot of ground in that environment.”

Ronnie McGrew was elected Mayor of Stoneybatter in 1987 but was forced to resign after a payments for payments scandal.

ronniemcgrew16_mix

Ronnie McGrew once partnered Limahl in a pro-celebrity-homo golf tournament at La Manga.

Download audio file (ronniemcgrew14_mix.mp3)

The German socialite, famous for his late night brawling outside local pigsties such as Renards and Ron Blacks, was accompanied by on-and-off girlfriend Eva Braun.

Love is in the Air-notts

The two haven’t been seen in public together since 1945 which, according to inside sources, was an extremely turbulent year for the couple.

We caught up with Hitler in the food court:

“I had a lot on my plate at the time. Between painting, writing, running a business, wiping out a race of people… I hardly had 5 minutes to myself, let alone Eva.

She thought I wasn’t putting 100% into the relationship, that I wasn’t committed enough. To be fair, she had a point. I took on too much at once, really. I mean, what kind of eejit takes on the British, French and Russian armies at the same time, while trying to keep a Wurstenhaus franchise on the go too.

If I have one regret about that whole period of my life, it was taking on that sausage franchise. What the fuck was I thinking? No wonder Eva split. I just wasn’t there for her.

But I think 65 years of hiding in Argentina has brought us closer than we’ve ever been before. We’re renting a flat together on Capel St. now. It’s a grand spot. We’re just seeing how it goes for the time being.”

Die Führer then bought a 3 pack of cotton socks and left.

Ronnie McGrew will assist weight loss as part of a calorie controlled diet.

Download audio file (ronniemcgrew11_mix.mp3)

Ronnie McGrew thinks people who do the 12 pubs of Christmas should be shot in the hoop. “What’s wrong with just staying in one pub? Yiz are not perpetual motions machines, are yiz?”, he says.

Download audio file (ronniemcgrew9_mix.mp3)

They hired market research company, Phil’s Market Research, to look into the phenomenon and the results showed that 99% of people had never heard of White, the other 1% wanted to make it quite clear that not only had they not heard of him they didn’t know anybody who had either.

'John Who?', says public but tickets go like hot cakes

Yet the sold-out shows in Dublin remain a mystery. Who bought the tickets? Some suggest a record company scam in which they have purchased all the tickets to create demand for an artist, harking back to the olden days when they used to rig the charts on a regular basis. Critics have said that unless White pulls out of the shows at the last minute due to ‘unforseen circumstances’ which are completely ‘beyond the control’ of the promoters then the empty arena when he performs will blow the whole deal.

Not everyone agrees though. Dick Flat of Hot Press thinks just the opposite is true. “If nobody’s heard of him then nobody’s going to go to the gigs. And if nobody goes to the gigs then there’s nobody to see if there’s nobody else there. Therefore he could play all 14 nights singing to himself and nobody would be any the wiser because nobody’s going to see somebody they’ve never heard of. I mean, if you’ve never heard of him you wouldn’t even know the show was on”.

Even all the press fanfare about the shows selling out has failed to raise White’s profile with further research showing people have never even heard one of his songs without knowing it was him. This has led to wide-spread speculation on internet forums and message boards that John White does not actually exist at all and is simply a figment of our collective imagination.

“How else can you explain it?”, said one poster to popular Irish Times blogger Tim O’Carroll. “Reality is merely a concept and simply vocalising something makes it real. Did Bilbo Baggins exist until JRR Tolkein gave him life through his pen? The same applies for John White. He lives simply because we expect him to, in a very abstract sense. It’s really quite brilliant when you think about it”.

What is remarkable is the fact that even after writing this article I have never heard of John White. Yet I have two tickets for his show on March 12th.

How did this happen?

Ronnie McGrew Rickrolled the entire cast of the 1968 Gaiety panto, before Rick Astley had even been born.

Download audio file (ronniemcgrew6_mix.mp3)

Scourge of the North Side

In an unrelated incident, the kitchen of the local Comfort Inn hotel was ravaged by a separate, and increasingly aggressive pack of prehistoric ne’er-do-wells. Kitchen staff were completely unable to fight back as vats of boiling Soup du Jour were hurled at them. One survivor, who hid in a steel cupboard, described the experience as “fucking mad, like”.

Local social worker Padraig McCrust hinted at the possibility that the raptor attacks may have stemmed from gangland style initiation rites: “Clearly, these raptors have ganged together in order to fill the void where their own families should be. They are seeking a sense of belonging within the pack that they don’t receive at home. To be honest, who can blame them?”

A government study has been commissioned to further understand the problem of deadly dinosaurs in the urban environment. Funding for the project has been described as ’sparse’ however, with many in the cabinet feeling that the costs outweigh the potential return in terms of north-siders lives.

Punched owl left with black eyes

The latest incident, which took place in Marlay Park at the foot of the Dublin mountains, saw an owl taken from a tree and punched repeatedly in the face. The owl was then left dazed and confused on the ground before it eventually managed to raise the alarm.

It follows on from at least six other assaults on owls in which they have had their faces punched in. A tawny owl in the Phoenix Park needed eight stitches in its beak while a barn owl, ironically living in a shed in the Botanic Gardens, suffered two black eyes and a boxed ear.

Gardai immediately questioned soccer pundit Ray Houghton who spent four months in prison for a vicious assault on a kestrel in 1997. He had a cast-iron alibi though and the investigation has drawn to a standstill ever since.

Larry Ryan of the DSPCA said “We urge the general public to come forward if they see anything suspicious. Somebody must know something. Punching owls in the face is an unusual pastime and we desperately need your help to sort this out.

The owl community is living in fear at the moment. They’re very protective of their faces and being punched in them all the time is bad for them. Maybe you know of someone who is boasting about punching owls in the face. If so just contact us and we assure you all information received will be treated with the utmost confidentiality”.

It’s the latest in a long line of animal assualts in the capital although things have been relatively quiet since the mass outbreak of squirrel booting in early 2005.