Detectives believe that the shock of Fry responding to a Tweet, a short message sent via Twitter, proved too much for the unfortunate user who went by the handle of ‘@lodunbou56′.

“This is a criminal investigation now”, confirmed Detective Andy Hammertongs. “From what we can gather @lodunbou56 sent a message to @stephenfry saying it had taken him seven hours to fully evacuate his bowels after a night out on Guinness followed by a crafty Vindaloo on the way home.

Fry responded and we think the shock of it was too much for him and he had a heart-attack. When his wife came in and found him dead she checked his computer and could not believe that someone as famous and with so many followers had taken the time to express his astonishment at the length of @lodunbou56’s poo.

The death Tweet, as it has become known to Twitterers

She too suffered a massive coronary before falling against the wall of her flat, knocking a heavy clock off the wall of the next door neighbours. This fell onto the head of the man next door who collapsed on top of his paraplegic wife smothering her to death.

If I have my way he’ll be going down for a good stretch. When will celebrities learn that interacting with the general public can only lead to tragedy?”

A spokesperson for Fry said that he was ’saddened’ by the death of @lodunbou56 and the subsequent tragedies but said he had done nothing wrong.

“This is just a consequence of technology”, said Fry’s close friend Jonathon Woss on his BBC2 radio show. “Although I bet me and Wussell Bwand could fuck the shit of those corpses”, which prompted outrage from the Daily Mail who said that fucking the shit out of corpses should be the sole preserve of the monarchy.

The inquest is taking place in a Thurles courtroom and is looking into the circumstances of the young man who died in 2002. Liam Roswell was arrested after an alleged ‘four or five day bender’ but was found dead in his cell the next morning.

Gardai claim that he took ‘15 or 16 ecstasy’ tablets and this was a contributory factor to his death. But ectasy expert Flibber Ryan from Coolock disputed these claims, saying “Do they think we’re stupid or something. No 15 year old lad is going to take that many yokes. It’s just stupid. Even on a mad night out you wouldn’t get close to taking that many.

And let’s just imagine that you did and you died. When they did toxicology tests it would be safe to assume that there’d be some trace of drugs in your system, right? So how come they found no trace of drugs in Liam Roswell?

Sounds to me like someone is trying to make it sound like the young man was out of control, a bit of a lunatic, but they really should have done a bit of research first. If they’d said he’d taken 4 or 5 then it would be quite believable but to try and make us believe he took 15 or 16 is just outright stupid. Nobody’s going to fall for that one”.

The inquest is set to hear more evidence of Liam Roswell’s self-destructive behaviour today with more Garda evidence suggesting that he repeatedly hit himself in the face, mainlined ‘at least’ 4 or 5 ounces of cocaine and got himself run over by cars five times on the main Thurles – Nenagh road in the moments before his arrest.

Spend a little, die a lot

DUNDALK  – In what passers-by described as a ‘violent cataclysm of blood-soaked chaos’, the rush for this week’s special offer at the local Aldi store claimed three lives on Wednesday morning.

A further 12 shoppers were rushed to Drogheda general hospital for treatment and are said to be in a stable condition. The chief consultant stated that all patients should make a complete recovery, pending a series of victorian hysterectomies.

The controversy erupted early last week with the inclusion of Aldi’s “bargain catalogue” in the weekly RTE Guide. A German branded power washer advertised for 50 Euro quickly became the talk of the town. High profile drinking dens such as  The Camelot and The Sunshine Bar were abuzz with the  prospect of pristinely cleansed driveways and spotless Toyota Glanzas. Expectations were at an all time high for this feisty little north-eastern enclave.

The prospect of not obtaining a pressure washer proved too much for some though, with one reported suicide in the Lower Ard Esmuinn area of the town.

Jimmy ‘The Stab’ Stabson took his own life by drinking a can of Dulux paint on Tuesday night. His legacy, a note to his 11 kids explaining his inability to live in a world without a high pressure fluid delivery system tucked in the cupboard under his stairs. The following morning his wife, Teresa Stabson-Shuffles, broke down in a rare form of coprophilic fit whilst walking to the corner shop in her pink pyjamas. She was rushed to the pub for immediate treatment.

The Aldi group have so far refused to comment on the stampede that claimed the lives of the townspeople, though it is expected that their response will lack humour and be extremely punctual.