On Wednesday, Bruce Arnold of the Irish Indepedent likened Brian Lenihan’s pre-budget grimaces to the face of a man who just got off a statutory rape charge – sure, there’s relief, but how the hell do you visit granny after that? Nevertheless, sources say Lenihan is quietly confident about the upcoming budget.

“We have a plan”, said one party insider, “as long as Madonna agrees to adopt us. If that doesn’t work, we’re going to give Mary Coughlan a few whiskeys and she’s going to admonish the recession into submission.”

Described by supporters as ‘earthy’, the Tánaiste is believed to have strong support from the Death Row Records lobby and indeed the wider hip-hop community of South Central LA and the Westcoast scene. However the Irish diplomatic corps are less enthused:

“She’s got a chip on her shoulder – a talking chip that tells her to say ‘fuck’ every three words.”

Meanwhile, personal criticisms flew at the party’s Ard Fheis over the week end when Lucinda Creighton compared Enda Kenny to Mayor Quimby. ‘People-Of-Wesport….’ She droned in a surprisingly good Simpsons voice, but not before she was forced to deny that her name was reminicient of Ronseal hardware products. Ms Creighton responded by telling her critics to ‘eat my farts.’

On rumours of a dispute between himself and Minister Lenihan he said “There’s nothing to it. It’s pure skullduggery. We’re communicating as well as we ever did.

Cowen - Turning Japanese

Sure just last week we were out for lunch in L’Ecrivain and I said to Mary Coughlan, ‘Mary, ask Brian to pass me the salt would you?’ and she did and Brian said ‘Tell him to give me up the butter there’ and in the end didn’t I get the salt and didn’t he get the butter. Everything’s fine”.

After meetings with some of Japanese industry’s most important CEOs, including the heads of Sony, Nintendo, Toyota and Kendo Nagasaki, the Taoiseach said there were lessons for Ireland to learn. “You look at how efficient these businesses are and compare them to way the operate in Ireland and it’s chalk and cheese.

Here they’re cramming people onto trains with sticks so they can get to work. Half the time we’re calling in sick. Here if an employee performs badly he’ll commit Hara-kiri such is his shame at letting company down. At home they just don’t care. I think we need to take stock of ourselves and if, at first, it means we have to commit Hara-kiri on people to give them the example then I think that’s what we’ve got to do”.

However, the National Suicide Prevention Association has called Cowen’s remarks ‘tasteless’ and ‘objectionable in the extreme’. Lorcan McDougall, head of the NSPA, said “It’s an insult to all those people who have killed themselves and those who are thinking about killing themselves.

Suicide is a disease, we’ve got to realise that before we can do more to prevent it. We’re still waiting on a response from the government about our proposal to dump thousands of tons of salt into the Liffey to make it like the red sea. It’s hard to drown yourself when you float like a dinghy”.

The Taoiseach’s visit will continue over the course of the week and will culminate with a banquet at the Irish Embassy before he flies back in the government jet, Enola Gay.

With a delegation that will include Minister for Finance, Brian Lenihan, and Cowen’s personal henchman and bodyguard, Mary Coughlan, the Fianna Fail leader will ‘hit the slots’ to try and win enough money to keep the country running for another 12 months.

Cowen in the red - just like the public finances

A source told the Irish Sentinel “All avenues have been explored and this, after much careful consideration, has turned out to be the best option. We would have invested in Euro Millions but unless there’s a 10 week rollover it’s just not viable.

We have to act now because the public would never forgive us if we sat around waiting for that rollover to happen. What if it got to 9 weeks and then some old bastard from Switzerland won it? We’d be accused of all kinds of inaction”.

Cowen, a ‘lethal’ poker player, according to friends, is likely to focus primarily on the blackjack and roulette games. Senior officials in the Department of Finance have outlined the strategy he’ll take. “He’s going to bet on red the whole time. So if he puts €2,000,000 and loses he’ll just put €4,000,000 down the next time. And if that loses he’ll put down €8,000,000. We’ve looked for a flaw in this plan but we just can’t see it. As long as he doubles whatever he loses on the next bet then he’ll be even at worst. How could it go wrong?”

Minister Lenihan meanwhile has undergone an intensive card counting course which includes watching the film 21 over and over again to see how to win big at the blackjack table.

His father, Brian Lenihan Sr, won a new liver in a game of pontoon with former Taoiseach Charles Haughey in 1987. Unbenknownst to him though Haughey used his connections in the medical world and surgeons in the Blackrock Clinic used a manatee’s liver in the transplant operation. Lenihan died soon afterwards.

Speaking last night Mr Cowen admitted his methods were unconventional but said “Let’s hope I can use the red to get the country back in the black, and that Lenno doesn’t go bust!”

Nobody laughed.

Beelzebudget 2009

The Minister for Health Mary Harney has been praised for her courageous strategy in solving the recent medical card crisis.

Together with Brian Lenihan, the two ministers have devised what they call a ‘fair and balanced’ plan to ensure that nobody over 70 is left out in the cold following this year’s highly controversial budget.

Under the new scheme entitled “Dul Abhaile”, people over 70 with an annual income of less that €360,000 will be given the opportunity to avail of assisted suicide in any of the 12 new “departure centres” that are to be built in strategic locations around the country.

The corpses of the dead will then be ground into a green, wafer-like substance, taxed at 21.5% then sold in Fallon & Byrne to assholes who drive low-powered BMW’s with M badges glued on the back.

The cost of the suicide procedures will be passed on to the taxpayer initially, but it is hoped that the long-term savings will outweigh the setup costs and help to shore up the struggling exchequer.

In an earlier press conference, Brian Lenihan weakly apologised for scaring the living fucking piss out of the elderly, then went on to confirm that the “Dul Abhaile” scheme will begin in Q2 2009.

He stated that the scheme will “not effect those with a few quid tucked underneath the matress”, whilst winking slyly to a bank of press photographers.

The press conference was cut short however when an elderly woman stood up to challenge Minister Lenihen on the medical card fiasco.

It would seem the pressures of the budget finally got to the TD as he leapt from the rostrum with all the grace of a retarded gazelle and proceeded to beat the pensioner to death with her own Zimmer frame.

Nicknamed ‘Honesty First’ it is expected that ministers from all departments, and even the Taoiseach, will admit to errors in order to let people know they can fix them. “How can anybody have any faith in a government which refused to admit its wrongdoings?”, said a Fianna Fail insider.

“By acknowledging the things they have done badly they can then turn around say ‘Hey, we know where we went wrong and as such we know exactly how to make things right again’. It’s a refreshing new side of politics and I’m sure the public will come to love it in no time, the feckless suckers”.

Spitting image puppet displays new slogan

The campaign was launched yesterday by Taoiseach Brian Cowen, Minister for Finance Brian Lenihan and some spotty lady (pictured left).

As government front benchers were being drilled on how to say the word ‘honesty’ without laughing into their hands and how not to automatically tell lies even when they want to tell the truth, new leaks were emerging about the upcoming budget.

It is believed that duty will increase on a packet of cigarettes by as much as €10, the price of a pint will go up by €1.50 except in the Dawson Street super-trendy bars where it will be €2, and the base rate of income to tax is to be raised to 98%.

Smokers rights groups were up in arms with Eddie Mulligan of the National Fag Agency saying “This is a disgrace. Once again smokers are being punished too severely. €10 in one go? Madness. I mean, I’m still not going to give them up but I will object most strenuously and by God I’ll collect the phlegm I cough up every morning and fling it at Brian Cowen if I ever see him”.

As well as that the government is making plans to use all the money earmarked for the health service and the construction of Metro north to buy Euromillions tickets every Friday.

: We asked an average smoker for their thoughts on the proposed increase on the blems in the new budget.

Download audio file (smoker.mp3)