However, as Cowen is about a trustworthy as Gary Glitter in a room full of pre-pubscent Asian girls, reports are leaking from Leinster House than an announcement is imminent. The Irish Sentinel’s well placed political sources tell us it is only a matter of time before the retirement age is raised to ‘death’.

Mary Coughlan likely to retain cabinet seat despite reshuffle

“I don’t want to have to work forever”, said Paddy Madigan, as he queued for his half-portion at the carvery of his local. “I’ve worked my hole off for this country and now that blubbery prick wants me to keep going to so he doesn’t have to pay my pension and he can rape me for the tax to pay for NAMA. I’ll smash his fat face in if he tries”.

Away from threats of violence from soon to be not OAPs the cabinet reshuffle is dominating the thoughts of the Taoiseach. Rumours abound that Martin Cullen has asked to be left out of the next cabinet due to health issues although Cowen is reluctant to dimiss Mary Coughlan despite public and political pressure to do so.

“He can’t shaft Mary”, said our insider. “Cowen knows that as long as Coughlan is his right hand man, so to speak, he looks calm, assured, intelligent and decisive. Put somebody with even half a clue about what they’re doing in there and he’s going to look bad. It’s exactly why Mary Harney still has a job. She’s a partyless hack but Cowen just loves how slim she makes him look”.

For the people of Ireland Brian Cowen’s vanity proves ever more costly.

Aunt Sally was in agreement with Brian Cowen

The latest live register figures show that almost every single person in Ireland is now unemployed but Taoiseach Brian Cowen said the country was being ‘led in the right direction’. To a cacophony of heckling, whistling and some contemplative swearing from Paul Gogarty, Mr Cowen said “You’re looking at it all wrong. Of course if you take the facts in isolation then they look bad. Hundreds of thousands employed. Violent crime increasing dramatically. Houses being reposssessed. Social decline. All of these things look bad but nobody thinks of the positives.

Sure, more people are unemployed but the rate of people becoming unemployed is slowing by up to 0.0003% per month. That’s progress in anyone’s language and let’s not forget that the more people there are unemployed the more jobs there should be for everyone else. And as for crime, there’s a little thing some of us with a bit of vision like to call ‘the future’. How can we dramatically improve crime figures if they don’t get worse first?”

Cowen was backed by Tánaiste Mary Coughlan who said “Oh aye, whatever Brian said is what I think. He’s a wee charmer, isn’t he?”

Labour leader Eamon Gilmore pulled no punches, saying “This government is so clueless you can put that Ray Foley from Today FM in charge and things would improve. Sure, he might be a sub-par, thinks he’s funny but really isn’t, Chris Moyles copycat but I bet he’d get off his zany arse and do something about the crisis this country is facing”.

Having been pummelled by Gilmore, the Taoiseach then faced Enda Kenny, who had the perfect opportunity to deliver the knock out blow but once against spent so long stammering and trying to add a soupçon of cutting humour to his riposte that everyone had gone home by the time he finished.

Labour leader Eamon Gilmore, along with party colleagues, drafted the motion at a secret convention in an upstairs room at Buswell’s Hotel last Saturday night. The Labour Party’s motion notes that in recent times whenever the government has spoken in public they have made themselves sound and/or look like complete turnips and suggests that a period of ‘quiet time’ would be beneficial.

Labour's secret source

“To us it’s obvious”, said a shiny-headed Labour insider. “Since this economic crisis began the government have done nothing to make the situation any better. Every day they’re sending ministers and back-benchers to speak to newspapers, TV and radio, and every time they do they put their feet right into their collective mouths.

Billion euro bailouts for banks are lauded as proactive and necessary yet a few bob here and there for special needs kids and cervical cancer vaccines has them stumbling and suttering like Proinsias De Rossa on crack. The Minister for Finance admits he doesn’t read important documentation, that gombeen Willie O’Dea still has that stupid looking moustache and Mary Coughlan stands around like a heifer while jobs are lost in their thousands every week.

We feel that in the best interests of the public they should be made shut their mouths for the next three months. They should just get their head down and concentrate on their work. I mean, it’s not going to improve it that much but the situation is so desperate we have to do what we can.

Every single time they say something they dent public confidence. Now is the time for the government to not put up and just shut up!”

The motion will be tabled and discussed at a special sitting of the Dail this evening.

Meanwhile, Fine Gael leader Enda Kenny is yet to decide if his party will support the motion. FG sources tell us he is leaning towards voting against it due to the fact that if the goverment don’t say anything then he won’t have anything to say ‘That’s nonsense’ in reaction to and will be forced to think of original things to say.

Cowen, unusually flushed, appeared before the Dail today

He is also set to introduce a monkey tax which is based on the monkey’s usefulness around the house. Therefore people who have helper monkeys will be expected to pay more than those who have a gibbon swinging around their back garden. The government has decided such measures are necessary after it was discovered that people were using a loophole in the law to claim children’s allowance for their pet monkeys.

Recent estimates put the annual cost of monkey ownership in Ireland at somewhere between €400-€500m. Any household which has more than one monkey is being given a choice of either donating the monkey to a friend or relative or having the monkey join a circus or zoo. Should any monkeys fail to be repatriated they will be taken away and shot in the face.

“I’m disgusted”, said Malcolm Ryan of Rathmines, “I have three bonobos, two marmosets, a capuchin and two squirrel monkeys. I’m not claiming any fraudulent benefit so why should I be punished?”

But speaking to the Dail this evening the Taoiseach said “The monkey population of Ireland has quadrupled, twice, in the last 3 years and we simply cannot manage. I know this is going to affect some ordinary decent people who enjoy their monkeys and their monkey business but for the long term good of the country we have no choice”.

A march to protest against the measure has been arranged for this Saturday. Monkey supporters, who have likened Cowen’s edict to that of Hitler when he wiped out the entire anteater population of Germany in 1937, will walk from the home of Sentator David Norris, himself an owner of howler monkey triplets, to Dail Eireann. All are welcome.

On rumours of a dispute between himself and Minister Lenihan he said “There’s nothing to it. It’s pure skullduggery. We’re communicating as well as we ever did.

Cowen - Turning Japanese

Sure just last week we were out for lunch in L’Ecrivain and I said to Mary Coughlan, ‘Mary, ask Brian to pass me the salt would you?’ and she did and Brian said ‘Tell him to give me up the butter there’ and in the end didn’t I get the salt and didn’t he get the butter. Everything’s fine”.

After meetings with some of Japanese industry’s most important CEOs, including the heads of Sony, Nintendo, Toyota and Kendo Nagasaki, the Taoiseach said there were lessons for Ireland to learn. “You look at how efficient these businesses are and compare them to way the operate in Ireland and it’s chalk and cheese.

Here they’re cramming people onto trains with sticks so they can get to work. Half the time we’re calling in sick. Here if an employee performs badly he’ll commit Hara-kiri such is his shame at letting company down. At home they just don’t care. I think we need to take stock of ourselves and if, at first, it means we have to commit Hara-kiri on people to give them the example then I think that’s what we’ve got to do”.

However, the National Suicide Prevention Association has called Cowen’s remarks ‘tasteless’ and ‘objectionable in the extreme’. Lorcan McDougall, head of the NSPA, said “It’s an insult to all those people who have killed themselves and those who are thinking about killing themselves.

Suicide is a disease, we’ve got to realise that before we can do more to prevent it. We’re still waiting on a response from the government about our proposal to dump thousands of tons of salt into the Liffey to make it like the red sea. It’s hard to drown yourself when you float like a dinghy”.

The Taoiseach’s visit will continue over the course of the week and will culminate with a banquet at the Irish Embassy before he flies back in the government jet, Enola Gay.

With a delegation that will include Minister for Finance, Brian Lenihan, and Cowen’s personal henchman and bodyguard, Mary Coughlan, the Fianna Fail leader will ‘hit the slots’ to try and win enough money to keep the country running for another 12 months.

Cowen in the red - just like the public finances

A source told the Irish Sentinel “All avenues have been explored and this, after much careful consideration, has turned out to be the best option. We would have invested in Euro Millions but unless there’s a 10 week rollover it’s just not viable.

We have to act now because the public would never forgive us if we sat around waiting for that rollover to happen. What if it got to 9 weeks and then some old bastard from Switzerland won it? We’d be accused of all kinds of inaction”.

Cowen, a ‘lethal’ poker player, according to friends, is likely to focus primarily on the blackjack and roulette games. Senior officials in the Department of Finance have outlined the strategy he’ll take. “He’s going to bet on red the whole time. So if he puts €2,000,000 and loses he’ll just put €4,000,000 down the next time. And if that loses he’ll put down €8,000,000. We’ve looked for a flaw in this plan but we just can’t see it. As long as he doubles whatever he loses on the next bet then he’ll be even at worst. How could it go wrong?”

Minister Lenihan meanwhile has undergone an intensive card counting course which includes watching the film 21 over and over again to see how to win big at the blackjack table.

His father, Brian Lenihan Sr, won a new liver in a game of pontoon with former Taoiseach Charles Haughey in 1987. Unbenknownst to him though Haughey used his connections in the medical world and surgeons in the Blackrock Clinic used a manatee’s liver in the transplant operation. Lenihan died soon afterwards.

Speaking last night Mr Cowen admitted his methods were unconventional but said “Let’s hope I can use the red to get the country back in the black, and that Lenno doesn’t go bust!”

Nobody laughed.

However, folk who have suffered throughout 2008 and are hoping the new one will be better will be dismayed by reports from New Zealand which claim 2009 is the worst year since records began.  Helplines are being bombarded by phone calls from members of public who say they’re sick of the new year already.

Auckland experiencing the hell of 2009 already

“I called because I had a really crappy 2008″, said Ambrose Finn (45), a resident of Auckland. “I was really praying that 2009 would be better but I can state without any hesitation that this year is already worse. At midnight I puckered up for a kiss under the mistletoe with my wife but instead of my wife someone put a possum in its place. Which wasn’t so bad but it bit my tongue.

After that I went to the bar, was shortchanged and my gin and tonic was made with Bombay Sapphire and not Tanqueray like I’d asked. On the way home I got caught at every red light and then when we came into the house the cat had been sick on the sofa.

I can’t believe how bad it’s been already. What’s next? Am I going to get up in the morning and only be able to find one of my slippers? Will the milk have gone off? Frankly, I wouldn’t be surprised if both of those things happened. My advice to people is stay in 2008 as long as you can. 2009 is worse than having to spend an evening talking about the environment with that baldy bloke from Midnight Oil”.

Preparations for Ireland’s festivities are well underway with Taoiseach Brian Cowen holding a star-studded party in Ned’s of Townsend Street. When asked if he had any New Year resolutions he said “Are you joking? I’m the boss man, I can do what the fuck I want, you fuckers”.

With latest exchequer figures showing Ireland has a greater deficit than Rafael Benitez’s transfer dealings at Liverpool, emergency measures were needed. The agreed 6% increase has been widely criticised as too generous in the current climate and Cowen made a revised offer earlier today.

He has suggested pay freeze until 2010, 12,000 Superquinn points for each employee (to be spread out over a three year period), 500 Bank of Ireland shares and 2 free lines in the Christmas National Lottery draw. Also, financial advisor Noel Edmonds says employees will be given a small cardboard box which they can choose to trade in for a guaranteed €50 but may keep and open in the hope that a larger sum is inside. The box may contain nothing but fluff.

Union leaders are thought to be opposed to the deal and want to hold out for what they originally agreed. “We feel that if we simply ignore reality we’ll get what we want”, said one.

Up to 4,000 primary and secondary school teachers and parents stormed O’Connor Square in Tullamore, Co Offaly, roaring slogans to show their anger at Fianna Fail.

Now only pyschotics want to teach in Irish schools

President of the Irish National Learners Alliance (INLA), Constantine Dalrymple, told the Irish Sentinel just how opposed teachers are to the measures introduced in the new budget. “Obviously class size is a huge issue in terms of education. From Ireland to China to Timbuktu is well known that the smaller the class size the less work the teacher has to do.

If I have 25 students it means I have 25 exams or homework assignments to correct. But if I have 30 this means it’s going to take much more time and therefore it obviously has a massive impact on how much free time I have. It’s about time somebody thought of the teachers here instead of always bleating on and on about how it’s going to affect the kids. Realistically it makes no difference to them if there’s 20 or 30 in a class, they get little or no individual attention anyway so what’s everyone going on about?”

Secondary school Maths teacher, Arthur Plug from Terenure College in Dublin agrees. “More kids simply equals more work for me. We’re the ones that are suffering, not them. I’m finding it more and more difficult to spend time on the important things in life like grooming underage girls in chatrooms. Unless they reduce the class sizes then I don’t see any way forward beyond an all out strike and when parents have their kids at home all day every day then maybe they’ll realise what a complete pain in the tits they are. ‘The children are our future’ they say. That’s all well and good but children are annoying little bastards”.

Minister for Education Batt O’Keefe is warning that nothing is going to change though. “If teachers didn’t realise that children were a pain in the bishop’s gooch before they got into that line of business then that’s tough luck. They can always go work on B&I ferry between North Wall and Liverpool if they don’t like it”.

Further protests are planned for this week with hundreds of PE teachers set to streak across the pitch when Ireland play Poland at Croke Park this Wednesday. A spokesperson for the INLA said hopefully the threat of leathery balls and flaps would make the government come to its senses.

My name is Enda Kenny and I approve this message.

Upon hearing the results, The Sentinel learned this morning that Enda Kenny’s ego has multiplied by a factor of 42. He now equals both Eddie Hobbs and Gerry Ryan in terms of smug obnoxiousness.

With Fine Gael surging ahead in the poll, one can’t help but ponder on the outcome of the 2007 election in which Fianna Fail won by a 41.6% majority share. The numbers indicate an interesting pattern that we will now illustrate for our readers in the simplest terms possible:

You voted them back in, you fucking plebs. Despite the allegations, incompetence, corruption, greed, arrogance… you still found a soft spot in your collective heart for the gentle northside charms of aul Bertie. You obviously haven’t learned a thing from the Haughey years. Now the shit has hit the fan and you might not be able to afford that new 5 series you’ve been hankering after? You want Fianna Gael to come and fix all your problems?

Fuck you. Deal with it.