President Obama said:

“That’s what’s so fucking cool about cancer – that shit shows up all over the place and BAM! Kim Ding-Dong is prawn toast.”

Kim: Still ronery.

The Association for Idiots Against Tasteless Internet Drivel meeped and whined about how we shouldn’t laugh at someone’s misfortune, but the rest of the meat-eating, leather-wearing world said the cunt deserves it, things can only get better for North Korea and we look forward to seeing some North Korean porn, because there definitely hasn’t been any of that.

Alan Greenspan, former chairman of the US Federal Reserve said:

“North Korea will now be able to avail of international loans and credit to kick-start its economy, but these loans have a price: The liberalisation of markets, the privatisation of state assets – and porn. Porn is to the 21st Century what McDonalds was in the 1900s. America does not go to war with nations that produce porn. Iran – No porn. Afghanistan – No porn. These are the harsh truths that you don’t hear discussed in the UN security council, but if we knew the Taliban insurgency exported babysitter or secretary-themed sex videos, it would solve a lot of problems and save a lot of lives.”

Porn-ification has been touted as the scourge of the current global recession and it could take over from the lofty, disbelievable notion that being green could actually save the world and the economy at the same time. One economics professor said:

“I mean come ON! That’s like saying we’re going to cure hunger with crayons.”

President Barack Obama, the world’s best living human being, recently announced that America would aim for oil independence, thereby reducing the threats posed by its dependence on foreign oil supplied by sometimes hostile regimes. Republican Party Minority Leader, John A. Boehner (real name), said, “No shit. He actually said that”.

This has caused consternation throughout the diplomatic world as leaders and key figures struggle to come to terms with a politician who actually does what he says he’s going to do.

“It’s like the last eight years of the Bush administration have paved the way for this completely unprecedented challenge to an entrenched and dangerously powerful corporate / republican status quo. I mean … they’re going to shoot this guy, I’m telling you that for free”, Boehner continued.

Cheney - would like to teach the world to sing

Critics have been quick to point out that a government that works for the people could never work in reality and that federal funding is nothing but a bizarre and unlikely offshoot of a self-serving, corrupt system that has ensured poverty and destitution for not just a vast underclass of Americans, but many misfortunate nations around the world who remain propped up by 20 or 30 Ivy League inbreeds whose fathers were a big deal in the 1950s.

Former Vice-President Dick Cheney, who will have the now defunct Guantanamo Bay Camp X-Ray lovingly rebuilt in his back garden, said, “Let me assure you that no slithering, evil tentacle of Haliburton will not rest until it has choked the life and hope out of every man woman and child who wakes up today thinking ‘Hey! the world is definitely becoming a better, more positive place!”

At home, Taoiseach Brian Cowen defended his performance since taking power last year, saying, “Don’t give me any jip about ‘just doing the right thing’ like your man over there in America. If that worked, someone would have tried it ages ago. Basketball court me arse.”

Dermot Mannion, who works for an advertising agency, was at his desk when Gardai arrived on the scene, placed him in handcuffs and carted him down to the Pearse St station in the back of a Black Maria. Fellow workers in his office had become suspicious at his complete indifference to the unfolding rapture in Washington DC and dialled 999.

Speaking exclusively to the Irish Sentinel Mannion said “We have an important presentation to make to a potentially lucrative client so I was preparing the artwork as the deadline is quite tight. However, all my colleagues were sitting at their Apple Macs or in front of the TV in the coffee room watching Barack Obama get sworn in as president.

Obama was joined on stage by hit group Destiny's Child

To each their own, I thought, but they started going on at me about how they were witnessing history and how it was time for change. When I pointed out that a president is sworn in every four years so it wasn’t really that historic they said I was missing the point. ‘This president is a black president’, they said, at which I had to correct them and say he is actually a mulatto president but either way I didn’t care. I had a lot of work to do and frankly the inauguration of a president in a foreign country was of little interest to me.

I asked them how many of them would sit around and watch Mugabe being sworn in, or the president of Uzbekistan, but they simply said I didn’t get it. Then they started singing “Can I kick it? Yes we can!”, so I just thought I’d keep my head down and leave them alone. When the Gardai arrived and told me what I was being arrested for I couldn’t believe it. I suspect they just made up that charge on the spot”.

But according to the Minister for Justice failing to pay correct attention to an overblown, overhyped ceremony which has nothing whatsoever to do with Ireland, its politics or Irish people apart from the illegals in the US who think they’re better than Mexicans and should be allowed stay despite breaking the law, is an offence punishable by up to 5 years in prison.

A file is being prepared for the DPP while Mr Mannion’s final word was “I just don’t get what all the fuss is about. He’s a politician. He might be the nicest one out there but that’s like being the least worst rapist”.

The two countries have been long-time allies with the United States providing financial and military aid, often in the face of severe criticism. However, a recent protest in Edinburgh has provided the kind of wake up call that many feel is long overdue.

Clogs - projectiles of peace

Last Saturday thousands of protestors bombarded the US Embassy with shoes during a demonstration calling for an end to the current military action in Gaza. About 300 shoes, including ski-boots and clogs, were thrown as part of the protest. Three police officers sustained minor injuries.

The President elect immediately called a secret meeting of his advisors and cabinet and after three hours of discussion a decision was made to discontinue the sale of weaponary to Israel along with the immediate cessation of financial aid for bedraggled Jews.

An Obama insider told us “We were shocked at what happened in Edinburgh. I mean, we knew people weren’t happy with the way we supported Israel but it wasn’t until they started throwing shoes that we really understood. How could we have been so blind all these years?

A new era is coming and we have those brave people to thank. Those people who had nothing better to do than get up on Saturday morning and throw clogs at a building. Truly theirs is the ultimate sacrifice and when the history books chronicle the events of this period then truly they will be the real heroes”.

A spokesperson for the shoethrowers, Tristan St. John-Sinclair-O’Toole said “Of course we’re delighted that this will end of the suffering of the poor, innocent civilians who none of us know personally but most of all we’re chuffed that we can stick two fingers up at those people who said we couldn’t make a difference.

Now we’re off to throw wellingtons at McDonalds so they stop raping the rainforest. Shoe-chuckers, ahoy!”, he said blowing a plastic trumpet and slapping his side as if he were riding an imaginary horse.

“I think we all know Senator Obama’s connections with both sides of the force. Remember, this is the man who betrayed his friends to Darth Vader yet flip-flopped away from the dark side when things were going bad for the empire. If this is the kind of man America wants in charge then I fear my country”.

Say a little prayer for Obama's dead Granny

Karl Rove, advisor to George Bush, said “This is quite obviously a stunt by Obama camp. They release news about his grandmother dying and all of a sudden every person who ever had a grandmother is going to vote for him. I bet she’s sitting in her hut in Haiti, doing voodoo on some poor unsuspecting victim, drinking the fresh blood of a recently killed chicken, and cackling like Aunt Jemima herself. I’d put any money you want on her being alive and well”.

The Democrats have issued a statement calling Rove’s remarks “crass beyond belief. This kind of electioneering might be acceptable to the Republican Party but to suggest we might fake the death of a very sick, elderly lady is beyond the pale”.

Fox News presenter Sean Hannity was also dubious about the timing of the announcement. “It’s all very convenient, isn’t it? One day before the vote she just happens to pop her clogs and who gets all the sympathy? Her grandson, that’s who. And he just happens to be running for President that very day. What a coincidence! Unless they show us a death cert or a YouTube video of her corpse then I think we’re right to be dubious”.

Americans go to the polls tomorrow with the Illinois senator the clear favourite over John McCain and special-needs running mate Sarah Palin who further dented their standing by claiming her labia had more foreign policy experience than Barack Obama.

“Bukkake is not foreign policy experience”, explained former President Jimmy Carter who will be supplying the peanuts at polling booths tomorrow.

Crazy World if McCain gets in, says Dignam

The Finglas troubadour has become renowned for his political insight and analysis – and has backed the winning candidate in the last five elections. It is now believed that many of the undecided voters will sway towards Obama having waited for the singer’s pre-election statement. This is known in American political circles as The Dignam Effect.

Speaking to CNN he said “I’ve thought long and hard about this and for me there’s only one choice. It’s got to be Obama. Let’s face it, McCain is a bleedin’ spanner and yer wan Palin is about as intelligent as Bosco. I was debating this very point with Simon Carmody the other night over a few scoops in The Long Hall. He claimed that McCain and Palin was the only choice for America if it wanted to be taken seriously but I just said ‘Look you, you’ve been wearing a leopard skin coat around town for years. What do you know about being taken seriously, ya fuckin’ spoon?”

With the November 4th poll drawing closer by the day it now seems that Obama’s lead is unassailable, especially as McCain’s campaign is being continuously hampered by running mate Sarah Palin’s gaffes. In an interview with Fox News Palin referred to Obama as “that terror nigger” and claimed to have more foreign policy experience than Henry Kissinger simply because she’d won a game of Risk the night before.

She also caused outrage amongst women’s groups across America when asked about the feminist movement. She claimed that under her command the suffragettes would increase the number of flights they carry out and would target Iraqi insurgent bases to put an end to the conflict in the region once and for all.