The missile bombardment, described as ‘retaliatory’ by Israel’s foreign minister Yitzak Kilarab, came in response to a Palestinian attack on a Jewish family’s house in Lennox Street, Dublin 8.

Seinfeld - took time from busy schedule to visit Cohen family at their destroyed home

In the early hours of last night a Palestinian youth threw eggs at the windows and shouted ‘Jews, get out of our land’ before making off as fast as his little legs could carry him. Isaac Cohen, who has lived in the house for 48 years with his wife Matilda, telephoned the Israeli embassy in Dublin who passed on reports of the incident to Tel Aviv.

“If they continue to threaten our borders, wherever they may lie”, said Kilarab, “then we will respond with force. We will not let our people be terrorised”.

312 people were killed in the retaliatory attack which blew up schools, hospitals, kindergartens, a puppy sanctuary and a local theatre in which a group of orphans were performing a new year’s ‘play of kindness’.

Minister for Foreign Affairs, Micheál Martin, said “I suppose you could say the response from Israel was slightly disproportionate. A few eggs being thrown at a house is hardly justification for the slaughter of hundreds of men, women and children, but you know, this is Israel. As long as the US keeps funding and condoning its terrorism it doesn’t matter what anyone says”.

Hamas leaders have promised revenge and have threatened the lives of some of the world’s leading Jews, including Scarlett Johansson, Corey Feldman and recent convert Mel Gibson.

Meanwhile, the Cohen family are being comforted by friends, family and Jerry Seinfeld.

Hitler has no opinion on Mumbai

A team of so-called Cultural Scientists set-up by professors and academics at Trinity College in Dublin has outlined the criteria by which incidents across the globe will be classified. Using what they call the ‘Downfall Postulation’ the importance and relevance of a particular event or circumstance can be guaged.

Professor Jim Mongon explains, “Basically the more important an occurance is the quicker somebody will make a hilarious subtitled video of Bruno Ganz as Hitler from the film ‘Downfall’. So we can see that Arsenal beating Spurs, Microsoft taking away people’s xBox live accounts and Cristiano Ronaldo’s on-off move to Real Madrid last summer were highly important.

These videos were up on YouTube within hours of those things taking place. We have scoured YouTube since the Mumbai attacks and not one video of Hitler complaining to his generals with incredibly funny and not at all tedious, boring and tired English subtitles has been made. He does not complain about nobody seeing the terrorists, he does not rant about how such a thing could be allowed happen, and no mockery is made of what was one of the finest acting performances of the 21st century but has since become a big joke.

Without a Hitler/Downfall video you might as well just forget about it and move on”.

From an Irish perspective we have seen all the greatest moments of recent times immortalised in this way. Hitler complaining about Mary Harney taking away the cervical cancer vaccine, Hitler spewing about Colm and Jim Jim’s ‘funny as cancer’ TV show, Hitler screaming that Andy Reid should be brought into the Irish team to bring some quality to the squad and Hitler bemoaning the fact that Eamonn Keane on Newstalk hasn’t been brought to task for sounding so very bumptious every day of the week.

Until Mumbai can claim Hitler’s ire then the world needs to focus on more important matters.

Mungo was taken to the local vet’s office and put to sleep shortly afterwards. Jacinta Reilly, Liam’s mother, told the Irish Sentinel that the dog had never previously shown any signs of aggression. “He was a lovely dog, so he was. We never seen nothing bad from him, like. I mean, there was that one time when we took him to the Botanic Gardens and he went running around in the long plants and the trees trying to eviscerate people with his razor sharp claws, but he was always good as gold around the kids”.

Mungo, who was part Rottweiler, part Velociraptor, is said to have grabbed the toddler when he inadvertently stood on his tail. Liam’s father, Miley, fought with the animal to free his son who was then rushed to Beaumont Hospital.

Mungo - before he went bad like a Muslim pilot

The attack has led politicians to consider new legislation which could lead to dogs being made illegal. Fianna Fail junior minister with responsibility for dogs, cats and donkeys, Cyprian Brady, said “I think what’s obvious here is that if one dog is capable of doing something like this then any dog is capable of it. We have to think about the children of Ireland. Yes, some might accuse us of not thinking about them when it comes to education, leaving them to grow up semi-literate halfwits, but at least they won’t be hideously scarred semi-literate halfwits. You have to look at the bigger picture here”.

But animal welfare groups have lambasted the minister. Fred Stone of the DSPCAETBATOBMA (Dublin Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals Except Turtles Because A Turtle Once Bit My Anus) said “It’s madness. Saying all dogs are capable of this kind of savagery is like saying all humans are capable of being rapists or murderers or fans of Ryan Tubridy. It’s absurd. I don’t hear him calling for the extermination of the human race, oh no. These politicians have too much invested in humans to let that happen but dogs are expendable. We shall fight this all the way to the top”.

This is the forty-seventh dog attack in October alone, the most serious coming when a pack of radical Islamic Weimaraners barricaded themselves into a Coolmine primary school, holding teachers and pupils hostage with automatic weapons. Sixteen people and four dogs died as Garda Special forces ended the stand-off after three days, many children were found seriously ill having been forced to consume halal kibble by the dogs.