Aldi, not just for doleheads

Discount supermarket Aldi has emerged as a major stockmarket player having taken advantage of last week’s crash in Bank of Ireland shares.

From a yearly high of €18 shares fell to just €0.85c and millions were lost from stock and pension portfolios. This morning a sharp rise in the bank’s shares was reported on the ISEQ and in the last few minutes the Irish Sentinel has learned that the German supermarket chain was directly responsible.

“Buying in bulk at rock bottom prices allows us to pass on ze saving to ze consumers”, said Jens Heimenschlupper, marketing manager of Aldi Ireland. “Ve vill continue to scour ze world for ze best products with which to fill our popular weekly newsletter”.

The shares are being sold in prime in-store locations with packets of 100 shares available beside the mints and recordable CDs as you place your shopping on the checkout belt.

“This is great”, said Mary O’Brien of Drimnagh, “I come to Aldi to buy dog food to feed my family and now I can be a real life Gordon Gecko too. I know what my husband is getting for Christmas now, some Bank of Ireland shares and a wrench and allen key set. God bless Aldi”.

There are strong rumours that Aldi will introduce a new line of products in early 2009 but Heimenschlupper refused to confirm or deny reports that off-the-shelf human organs would be part of the the range.

Spend a little, die a lot

DUNDALK  – In what passers-by described as a ‘violent cataclysm of blood-soaked chaos’, the rush for this week’s special offer at the local Aldi store claimed three lives on Wednesday morning.

A further 12 shoppers were rushed to Drogheda general hospital for treatment and are said to be in a stable condition. The chief consultant stated that all patients should make a complete recovery, pending a series of victorian hysterectomies.

The controversy erupted early last week with the inclusion of Aldi’s “bargain catalogue” in the weekly RTE Guide. A German branded power washer advertised for 50 Euro quickly became the talk of the town. High profile drinking dens such as  The Camelot and The Sunshine Bar were abuzz with the  prospect of pristinely cleansed driveways and spotless Toyota Glanzas. Expectations were at an all time high for this feisty little north-eastern enclave.

The prospect of not obtaining a pressure washer proved too much for some though, with one reported suicide in the Lower Ard Esmuinn area of the town.

Jimmy ‘The Stab’ Stabson took his own life by drinking a can of Dulux paint on Tuesday night. His legacy, a note to his 11 kids explaining his inability to live in a world without a high pressure fluid delivery system tucked in the cupboard under his stairs. The following morning his wife, Teresa Stabson-Shuffles, broke down in a rare form of coprophilic fit whilst walking to the corner shop in her pink pyjamas. She was rushed to the pub for immediate treatment.

The Aldi group have so far refused to comment on the stampede that claimed the lives of the townspeople, though it is expected that their response will lack humour and be extremely punctual.