Keith tots up the scores in TV3's new gameshow

TV3 have announced their newest reality TV show – “It’s a Knock-out” featuring Joe Coleman and his painfully retarded sidekick, Keith. The show will involve a series of games such as ‘Who can burn their corneas out quickest by staring at directly at the sun’ and ‘Where’s Mary?’, in which teams will have to study cartoons to find the image of the blessed virgin not knowing she doesn’t appear at all.

Head of progamming at TV3, Martin King, says “It’s deadly!”

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Ryan Tubridy has denied his ignorance of the internet is ‘just an act’ after he was accused of hacking into NASA’s servers using an Alpha build of Ubuntu and a self-programmed port scanner written in Perl. “I don’t even know what blag or a blog or whatever is. As for Twitter? Never heard of it”, said @ryantubridy.

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Senator Ronan Mullen will read from his new book of poetry ‘It’s not my fault Jesus hates you because you’re an athiest faggot’ in the National Library at 7pm on Friday. Refreshments and cocktail mini sausages will be served. Admission €5 for non Opus Dei members.

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Kathryn Thomas has been signed to play Skeletor in a new He-Man movie set to start filming at Ardmore Studios next month. “She’s got that kind of natural scariness we’ve been looking for”, said director Neil Jordan. The role of He-Man has yet to be confirmed but industry sources say it’s down to a straight fight between Ronan Keating and Ivan Yates.

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Dublin councillor Killian Forde will lift the lid on life inside Sinn Féin in an exclusive interview with Ursula Halligan. In her new series, Undressed with Ursula, she takes Paula Yates tactic of interviewing people in bed to the next level. Forde says he hadn’t intended to reveal as much as he did but the sight of Halligan’s be-quiffed bush unsettled him so much he just kept talking.

Tributes to teen sensation Miley Cyrus have been dribbling in since it was unexpectedly revealed today that the Hannah Montana star is in her last days, relatively speaking. The singer’s team of doctors  have released a statement confirming rumours that Ms Cyrus is indeed suffering from what has become known as ‘The Human Condition’.  Since turning 17 on November 23rd of last year, Cyrus’ body has begun to decay on a cellular level, leading to skin slackening, muscle wastage and a slow reduction in her mental faculties. Experts say the condition could take as much as 80 years to run its course.

Sadly, MIley's eyes are already dead

Speaking to The Irish Sentinel, Avrid Singh, trichologist to  Pop Princess Cyrus elaborated: “She may live to the ripe old age of 92 before dying surrounded by strangers in a Howth nursing home. She may perish in childbirth at 34 while giving birth to IV induced octuplets or she may succumb next week, when a deranged scalp  expert finally sees a chance to obtain revenge for 6 months of  casual homespun southern racism and unreasonable attention to follicle detail, by kidnapping Miley and her daddy Billy Ray and attempting an unanaesthetised achy breaky heart transplant operation on the unlucky father and daughter pair. Either way, we know this much: Miley Cyrus will die. At some point.”

Among those expressing their shock and sadness at the unexpected news of Miley’s mortality were occasional co-stars The Jonas Brothers: “We just can’t believe it,” said Joe, Nick and Kevin, simultaneously. “We thought Miley would live forever, just like her career. And our careers. And us. Why can’t Miley live forever, like us?!” sobbed the trio.  A more measured response came from  Ms Cyrus’ godmother, Dolly Parton: “Whatcha gonna do?” Parton questioned rhetorically through a mouthful of baccy, “We all gotta go sometime! Well, all expect me! I got me a spare heart put in the left one and a spare brain in the right one during the last surgery. Am ah gonna do just peachy, darlin’!”

Mick Lally was unavailable for comment, but is thought to be relieved at his imminent reclamation of the Miley name.

Ireland’s top criminals held a secret meeting in a Baldoyle warehouse this weekend to to discuss the ongoing dispute between crime journalist Paul Williams and the Sunday World.

Despite fulfilling his contract the Sunday World has tried to prevent Williams from taking up a job offer from the News of the World, going so far as to take out a court injunction last week. The Sunday World claims Williams is obliged to serve out a three-month notice period under the provisions of the National Union of Journalists’ house agreement. Legal sources say the situation could take months to resolve unless a financial settlement is made but in the meantime the villains of the nation are left floundering.

Paul "The Journalist" Williams

According to Brock the Gobbler, a semi-notorious Limerick hardshaw, the longer the discord continues, the worse it’s going to be for them. “This is intolerable! I demand justice for Paul Williams. What are the Sunday World thinking? What drives them to the point where they deny a man the right to make a living?”

He was supported by Anto “The Armadillo” O’Cahill, an inner-city drug dealer, gang leader, forger, occasional hitman and importer of stolen good and orphans. “It’s all well and good an’ all an’ anyway if the Sunday World stop Paul Williams from writin’ for the News of the World but nobody stops and thinks about us. Knowwarramean? We’re out there all day every day, so we are, doin’ a decent day’s criminalisin’ and if there’s nuttin in the bleedin’ paper on Sunday then you stop and ask yourself what’s the point? Knowwarramean?

And are the Sunday World thinkin’ about the young fellas? The up and comin’ lads who haven’t even got themselves a nickname yet? It’s all right for me, knowwarramean? It’s all right for ‘The Viper’, ‘The Ostrich’, ‘The Snow Leopard’, ‘The duck-billed platypus’ and ‘The Stegosaurus’ but how are these lads gonna get ahead if Williams isn’t around to give them a droll appellation? Knowwarramean? Get it sorted”.

Sources close to Williams say he is growing frustrated despite the fact his name is still appearing in headlines and he can remain more famous than the gangsters he writes about. However there are real fears that unless he finds himself gazing at the streets of Dublin from the side of a bus advertisment he may take up TV3’s offer as Mark Cagney’s sidekick on Ireland AM.

The people of Haiti were today celebrating the first miracle of the new decade as a mass status change on Facebook instantaneously solved all the problems caused by last week’s devastating earthquake.

As shocked and badly wounded Haitians looked on in wonder, buildings reassembled themselves and rose skywards, services such as water and electricity began to work again and even more amazingly thousands of people came back to life. Initially there were some casualties as the superstitious people feared a rising of zombies and set about the resurrected with crude machetes, but soon it became clear that a once in a lifetime event had taken place.

Facebook group defeats nature

Eye-witness Claude D’Arcy-Trent-Terrence told the Irish Sentinel, “It was incredible. One moment I was mourning the loss of my entire family, my home and what meagre possessions I had whilst standing knee deep in rubble and corpses, the next life had returned completely to normal. I thank God for what he has done”.

Yet researchers at MIT have discovered that God played no part in the miraculous goings-on. Close analysis of web trends in the hours leading up to the event left them in doubt that Facebook users were the ones who saved the day. Professor Marlon Prince, head of Teh Internets 2.0, said “We’ve never seen anything like this. It appears that in just under two hours over three and half million people joined the group ‘Save Haiti by joining this Facebook group and you can feel better about yourself without actually having to do anything ‘. Quite how it had the power to reconstruct an entire nation is something we’re unclear about at the moment but the best guess we have is that somehow it roused Superman who flew around the world really really fast to reverse time and having had some practice at this in the past he has honed his skills to the point where he can be region specific. Obviously it’s something we’re going to keep working on though”.

A spokesman for Facebook said “Once again it shows the power of social networking and when it comes right down to it, Facebook is the daddy. Perhaps if the people of Iran had used us instead of getting all those Twitter idiots to change their avatars green then they might have democracy now. USA! USA!”.

Under a new edict from Batt O’Keefe, Minister for Education, Science and The Proud Inability to Correctly Pronounce Words Ending in ‘ION’, all schools will close from Wednesday next  until the end of time because “it’s been terrible windy the last few days.”

It's okay, none of them are Protestant

Speaking slurringly to the Irish Sentinel in the wee hours of  Saturday  morning, Mr O’Keefe said that while the main reason behind his radical shutting down of the entire primary and secondary education systems was the slightly inclement weather, there are “millons and billons of other reasons. Millons and billons of them.”

Pressed for examples, the Minister said,  “C’mere, I was only having the babysither reading to me from that Irish Times yoke d’other day about how all dese unemployed fellas are going back and doin that layving thing so as they can go to college to be staring at all the lovely young gash. Now we can’t be havin’ that at all. And if they can’t go to school sure they can’t do the layving and if they can’t do the layving then the gash is safe so it is. And den dere’s dem praists running all dem schools. Any day now the Irish people’ll rise up from their decades of  rosary and apathy and realise that havin’ a pack of preverts lookin’ after dere small fellas is no good ting and sure den where’ll we be? May as well be dog wide and close the feckin’ places down now so as we avoid any hassle, like.”

When it was put to ‘Batt’ that a complete dismantling of the country’s educational apparatus may not sit well with Brian Cowen’s  knowledge economy, the minster’s response was both bullish and drunken. “We live in a country where a man barely able to speak the official language can be rised up to the post of government Minister. All this edumication malrkey is overrighted! And feckin’ Lipsy knows it too. He’ll be behind me all the way.”

However, in a statement this morning Mr O’Keefe said: “You make decisions and then when circumstances change, you change your opinion. It’s not quite as windy today, I’m not so feckin’ langered and Lipsy thought me idea was nawful, so I’ve changed me opinion, like.”

Ireland’s overcrowded, underfunded, overseen by evil schools open as normal this morning.

The Irish Sentinel is pleased to announce its return after a months of recuperation and rehabiliation after a satire overdose. The state of the nation saw Sentinel writers produce, but never publish, over 475,057 articles for the month of May alone.

Madness and canibalism ensued, however, normal-ish service will be resumed over the coming weeks.

Thank you,

The Irish Sentinel.

The world’s most deadly condition received broad applause yesterday following news that cancer had taken another major motherfucker out. Fresh off the back of some sterling work that spared us a middle-aged, televised Jade Goody, the literate world today rejoiced with the news that King Dong Ill is checking the fuck out thanks to pancreatic cancer.

President Obama said:

“That’s what’s so fucking cool about cancer – that shit shows up all over the place and BAM! Kim Ding-Dong is prawn toast.”

Kim: Still ronery.

The Association for Idiots Against Tasteless Internet Drivel meeped and whined about how we shouldn’t laugh at someone’s misfortune, but the rest of the meat-eating, leather-wearing world said the cunt deserves it, things can only get better for North Korea and we look forward to seeing some North Korean porn, because there definitely hasn’t been any of that.

Alan Greenspan, former chairman of the US Federal Reserve said:

“North Korea will now be able to avail of international loans and credit to kick-start its economy, but these loans have a price: The liberalisation of markets, the privatisation of state assets – and porn. Porn is to the 21st Century what McDonalds was in the 1900s. America does not go to war with nations that produce porn. Iran – No porn. Afghanistan – No porn. These are the harsh truths that you don’t hear discussed in the UN security council, but if we knew the Taliban insurgency exported babysitter or secretary-themed sex videos, it would solve a lot of problems and save a lot of lives.”

Porn-ification has been touted as the scourge of the current global recession and it could take over from the lofty, disbelievable notion that being green could actually save the world and the economy at the same time. One economics professor said:

“I mean come ON! That’s like saying we’re going to cure hunger with crayons.”

News that festering pork-slit, Mary Lou McDonald, has crashed out of public life has been greeted with enthusiasm by anyone with two brain cells to rub together, according to initial reports on the public reaction to last Friday’s elections.

“Who the fuck is she kidding with her stupid face and her crap mullet? She has about as much to do with republicanism as the new Lexus ISS220d.,” said one taxi driver.

With ‘Toodle-Lou’ out of the picture, the role of irksome, gobby Dublin-based fem-bot politician falls to the comically named Lucinda Creighton. Opponents of the FG dung beetle have repeatedly drawn attention her online namesake, a star of many DIY-themed pornography features. One such film, ‘Loose-inda and the incinerator’, sees our girl fight valiantly against a realistic plan for waste management only to be triple-penetrated by three black men, before almost choking to death in a torrent of jism.

Indeed, it’s a tough period for women politicians of every hue and it now seems certain that Minister for saying ‘fuck’ too much, Mary Coughlan, will be moved away from the rather important role of finding jobs for the country and right into the Department of Justice. When questioned on how appropriate it might be to have a Minister from Donegal in Justice in light of the Morris Tribunal, Coughlan said:

“Lick the f*****g c** out of my juicy f*****g f***hole you dirty f*****g a**eater!”

Nevertheless, media remained focused on the Tánaiste’s low profile as Fine Gael made huge grounds in the local elections. But experts say it remains to be seen whether a generation of new political hopefuls have shot their load too early by plumping for the blue-shirts during Fianna Fáil’s darkest hour. One political analyst explains:

“The essential difference between Fianna Fáil and Fine Gael is principles – Fine Gael have them and Fianna Fáil don’t. What voters conveniently forget is that a democracy gives you the politicians you deserve and previous elections clearly show us that principles are a burden at the ballot. This is why Fine Gael never get elected – they refuse to swallow their fairly crap principles and they can’t compete with Fianna Fáil, the party most likely to respond to the question ‘what is you name’ with the answer ‘what do you want it to be?”

“We had Bertie and the PDs and then Bertie the Socialist, all delivered without a hint of irony. This is possible because the national electorate is largely made up of queue-skipping, back-handed, scratch-my-back, selfish, cheating Irish people who see the application of rules as a direct affront to their ‘unconquerable’ charm. And then we all wonder where the support for Fianna Fáil comes from.”

“When the current downturn passes, a lot of rookie political blood will be spilt as the nation adopts its more comfortable position of ‘fuck the greater good, what can you do for ME?’ and we can expect Fianna Fáil to claw back a lot of ground in that environment.”

Irksome, slack-jawed, Penney’s-frequenting yokels are set to over-run the capital this week end when their considerably better rugby team visits Croke Park to beat the unholy shite out of ‘Lunster’ en route to a Heineken Cup-winning certainty.

Ordinary people, who days ago sent their affection and well-wishes in the direction of the deeply unfortunate Tomas O’Leary will, like Peter, find themselves denying their own kind many more than three times as the evening wears on this Saturday. Experts believe this is die to the periodic emergence of a baseless, gaelic-Catalonia, a self-aggrandising ‘nation’ of crimson, ruddy-faced, gurning frauds.

“Let them have their day,” said one Senior Judge from South County Dublin who refused to be identified on his way out of Kiely’s as he got into his jag in Donnybrook after a skin-full of pints in one of the country’s most well-served hubs of public transport. “The Cousin-fuckers need something to shout about, otherwise they might notice that they suffer under the worst gang culture in Europe, not including the UK, France, Germany and all of Eastern Europe.”

Indeed the country’s quiet ghetto-isation in Limerick has encountered something of a problem – an unidentifiable corpse in the rough, if you will – with respect to its policy to ‘grieve nationally’ while doing sweet fuck all about the execution of ordinary civilians. The rest of the country has been quick to not give a fuck about the same issue, in light of the past success of the national philosophy on the Troubles: ‘Have they calmed down yet? No?Has anyone asked if Iceland will take them? No? Well let’s just keep quiet and pretend it’s not happening so’.

This generation-defining movement of inactivity was characterised by a featureless, motionless, invisible and intangible, consensus of ‘I don’t care, it can’t be worth killing someone over’ that galvanised the people of Ireland to buy property and jaager bombs in record numbers over the last two decades.

Meanwhile RTE executives have been stroking each others’ crotches in self-congratulation following the news that Roy Keane will deign to speak on the Irish telly-box this Friday evening with Plank Kenny. Pat has been a bad boy recently, say insiders, so bad in fact that even this forum won’t risk the potential legal ramifications of unsubstantiated reports of something that rhymes with Spar-**** and snow-***. Back in studio however:

“Roy Keane is just electric,” said the Press office in RTE. “He’s a stark warning of how angry Irish people can become if they give up the drink. We’re just hoping he doesn’t have a snot and decide to leave halfway through the interview. There’s every chance that, as soon as he has had a pop at every major sporting figure in Ireland who didn’t quit when the going got tough, he’ll glower at the camera and rip his mic off before storming out in a fit of rage that only dog-walking can quell.”

Irish by birth, Munster by the grace of God. And there, but for the grace of God, go we.  

His country may subsist on a diet of boiled mud and mysogo-genocide, but that hasn’t stopped Kim Jong Il from launching an early bid to make himself Top of the Pops this Christmas. 

The North Korean Premier hopes to croon his way around any number of meaningless UN resolutions to secure a live performance in the BBC this September with a rendition of the Lionel Richie classic: ‘Herro, is it me youl rooking fol?’

Music industry experts were quick to ask: “All this for an Asian joke about ‘L’s and ‘R’s?” which prompted the response: ‘you betcha, its raff out roud funny’. The US State Department welcomed the move and Hillary Clinton was quick to support the development of an Axis of Soft Rock between North Korea and Iran, when it emerged that Iranian President Ahmadinejad was a big Kings of Leon fan. 

“This sex is on fffiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiire,” hummed President Ahmadinejad, who also claims to be a fan of Prince, Christina Aguillera and Right Said Fred. “Oh yes! I’m… too sexy for this Mosque… too sexy for Israel… too sexy for this Burqha-derka-derka-derka…” 

Another surprise hit with Arab leaders is Northern Irish sex-toy, Eoghan Quigg, as Ahmadinejad explains: 

“I always wanted to go to bed with a 16-year-old boy who vaguely reminds me of Harvey Keitel.. or Martin Scorsese. What’s not to like?? My grandfather would have killed for those eyebrows.”