The Irish media is abuzz with the news that an anonymous blogger has paid an anonymous celebrity an undisclosed settlement in a libel case.

Details are sketchy at the moment but The Irish Sentinel can exclusively reveal the nuts and bolts of the case without naming names. It stems from a blog post made in the summer of 2009 in which the blogger accused the celebrity,  a well-known TV presenter, of being a ‘cunt’.

Irish Blogger "40 Consulate" said to be 'worried like shite' over judge's ruling

The celebrity’s lawyers forced the blogger’s hosting company and ISP to reveal details which identified him and served a writ. The blogger in question refused to remove the post or issue the apology the legal team demanded. The case went before a High Court judge in a secret hearing last month where all the evidence was presented.

The celeb’s legal team provided pictorial and written testimony from doctors, physicians, anatomists and world renowned vagina expert John Terry, who supported his claim that he was, literally speaking, not a cunt. Viewing the evidence on its merits the judge agreed that the absence of a labia, clitoris or torn hymen it was inaccurate for the celebrity to be labelled a cunt.

However, he said in taking the action the celebrity had made it quite clear he was, in actual fact, a cock. Nevertheless, he had to agree that the blogger had libelled the celebrity by calling him a cunt and ordered him to make a ‘reasonable’ payout. The blogger in question has not spoken publicly about the award but told the Irish Sentinel that having to differentiate between male and female genitalia when insulting celebrities is going to ’set Irish blogging back years’.

The verdict is likely to open the door to many more legal actions taken against bloggers, with a list of cases already scheduled including Brian McFadden’s action against pop-culture blog, mulch.ie, where he will attempt to prove his head is not made entirely of shit.

In light of criticism of the new speed limits arbitrarily applied to Dublin’s streets, Dublin City Council have responded and informed The Irish Sentinel that is just the first in a series of measures to save the lives of Dubliners killed in our capital each year.

Traffic speeds through College Green

“To say some random councillor just thought this up and it got voted in because we don’t have anything better to do, such as providing water to parts of the city that still don’t have a regular supply, is a nonsense”, said head of Health, Safety and Nannyism, Dave Trafford annoyingly using an ‘a’ where there was absolutely no need.

“Dublin City Council is commited to making the city a safer place for everyone. That means drivers, pedestrians, cyclists, Segway users and foreigners. I think people will be more understanding when they see what else we’re going to do. Then there won’t be this disconnect between the people of the city and the people who run this city”, he said, irritatingly using the word disconnect as a noun when it is, in fact, a verb.

The Irish Sentinel can exclusively reveal some of the new measures:

• Pedestrians must pair up and hold hands crossing the road
• Cyclists will be required to wear suits of armour at all times
• All cars to be painted a hi-vis yellow and fitted with spongy bumpers
• Children under 16 must be kept on-lead when walking in the city centre
• A total ban on smoking except in designated areas – former Habitat building earmarked for smoke zone
• New traffic light sequence to go Green > Amber > Red > Really Red

Rumours that a sensible approach to living be implemented, allowing for natural attrition of the population, were flatly denied by council officials who assured The Sentinel they know what’s best, even if it appears they haven’t got the first fucking clue.

Ben Dunne was last night celebrating his new title of King of Irish Advertising having scooped top prize at the National Radio Advertising Awards.

The ceremony is held every year to acknowledge the best in radio advertising and for producers, recording studio employees, voice over artists and advertising industry folks to get pissed, tell each how great they are before going off and bitching about how Mario Rosenstock ‘…isn’t all that anyway. I mean he could never do a film trailer, his voice is just too reedy’.

Ben Dunne was a knockout with his sophisticated voiceovers

The big winner of the night was Ben Dunne who scooped the much coveted Coke-Spoon D’or for overall Best Ad or Ad series. Chairman of the Irish National Radio Advertising Awards board, Lorcan Nugent-McCann, said “There really was no contest this year. Who could not have been moved by Ben’s mellifluous delivery as he weaved a magical web of words to tell us how much cheaper it was to join one of his gyms that have a cappuccino in Dunnes Stores? How could any right minded person resist the velvet intonation as he beseeched us to buy our art from the Nora Dunne gallery? That one, I have to admit, put me in mind of a young Brian Sewell crossed with latter-day Donald Sinden”.

“Those alone would have won him the prize”, he continued whilst alerting a Windmill Lane sound engineer to some powdered residue around his left nostril, “but then came the cream on the top of the already scrumptious cake … Ben Dunne dot com. I liken it to a footballer who has gone around the keeper, then stopped the ball on the goal line before kneeling down and heading it in off the ground. Pure class.  It was a stroke of advertising genius. Only Ben and his lyrical vocalisations could have persuaded people to spend money on something that so many others continue to do for free. He is a man ahead of his time. I’m always aware that advertising people are the best people in the world but I don’t know how we’re going to top this”.

Ben Dunne also won the top prize in the controversial ‘When are we going to tell people to use a voice-over guy instead and stop doing their own ads? Without the repeat fees I can’t pay my mortgage’, category beating off stiff competition from Rory of Elephant Self Storage.

There were also gongs for Wardrobe Elegance in the ‘Most pitifully annoying jingle category’, leaving hot favourites Garmin weeping and swearing revenge for next Christmas, ‘Black and Yellow’ for most memorable ad that nobody can ever remember the product for’ and National Radio cabs for ‘Chip and Pin’ in the ‘Most hackneyed stereotype’ section.

The party went on till dawn, lots of people had sex with people they shouldn’t have, and up to three septums were completely burnt through. Just another normal day in advertising.

You heard the man

I’ll keep this brief.  We’re big fans of Apple hardware here in Sentinel Towers. Corns uses a Macbook Pro to organise cannibal deathmatches in Liberia. I myself cruise the information pornohighway from time-to-time using one, but never without a microwaved pomelo close by. We have faith in Apple’s ability to produce a great operating system in a great computer. It fills the gap better than anything else.

Steve Jobs recently said: “We want to kick off 2010 by introducing a truly magical and revolutionary new product”

Okay, great! Blow my fucking mind, Steve! Show me the magic! Knock my stripey socks off with the Che Guevaraness of it all!

What do we get? A super-sized iPhone?

No doubt the fat fuckers will be queuing up outside the Apple Store in New York, waving for the CNN cameras while their douchebaggery is broadcasted across every continent, forking over their hundreds of dollars for something they couldn’t possibly need.

But don’t worry. Thy God Steve still gets paid. He needs the money for the diamond encrusted toilet seat he sits on as he takes a truly magical and revolutionary new dump every morning.

The Irish Sentinel can blow its own trumpet this morning, and not in the biblical sense, as we unveil the first pictures of Apple’s eagerly anticipated new device.

Apple go back to basics as hype machine kicks into action

Nicknamed the iSlate it is set to revolutionise communication, networking and and e-reading. Some of the features of the new device include:

• Ecological and environmentally friendly ‘chalk’ with which to write. No faulty touch screens, no copy & paste disasters, just easy to use and easy to wipe away limestone based scribblings
• Top of the range Egyptian slate with revolutionary anti-scratch covering built in
• Battery free! Costs nothing to run
• Comes with rugged wooden border on which all manner of books, magazines, newspaper and periodicals can be supported
• Fully upgradable
• Absolutely no need to ever upgrade
• Highly portable, weighing only .75 kilos
• Wifi, 3G, Edge and 4G compatible (with separately sold iPhone add-on)
• Free wiping cloth

Apple disciple Dicky Bannister told the Irish Sentinel, “Steve Jobs, or should I say Goddy McGod, does it again. While all the others go for unecessary bells and whistles like operating systems, electronics and downloadable content, he’s gone back to basics. And the design? I have to admit that I a bit of jizz came out when I saw it. Not a full splodging, but definitely a bit of stuff that wasn’t quite wee, wasn’t quite spunk. To me that’s the sign this is going to be a huge success”.

Apple plans to sell over 5,000,000 of them in the first week basing its figures entirely on the hype generated by how long people have had to wait for it and a flashy Powerpoint presentation by a man in a black polo neck in front of a select audience later this afternoon.

It is also expected the company will announce a new device aimed at pirates, known only at this stage as the iAye.

Gary Neville, Man United right back and wearer of sport’s worst Ronny, has blasted Carlos Tevez ahead of tomorrow night’s Carling Cup semi-final 2nd leg at Old Trafford. After scoring twice against his old club in the first leg, the Argentinian striker responded to his former captain’s sly middle-fingered salute by calling him a ‘boot licking moron’.

Tevez reacted poorly to Neville's latest taunts

Tevez then admitted he could barely speak English despite living England for nearly four years, leading some pundits to claim football was in danger of a pot/kettle overload.

Despite calls for calm from the FA and police, Neville again stoked the fires in an interview with United’s in-house TV Channel, MUTV. He said “Of course a Manchester derby is always a big game and with a place at Wembley at stake this is the most important one for years as City haven’t been this close to a trophy since they did a team bonding tour of the Nou Camp in 2001 and they all had their picture taken in front of the European Cup replica”.

When asked if the game would be extra competitive because of the fallout from the first leg, Neville said, “As the manager keeps telling us, we have to concentrate on our own game and not worry about City. That’s exactly what we’ll do and we won’t be paying any special attention to that hideous monster, although I have to admit I was concerned the game would be moved to after the 9pm watershed in case little children got frightened when he appeared on screen.

I mean, I know I’m no oil painting, or even a charcoal sketch, but he’s a mutant. Give him a head of snakes for hair and Medusa’s own mother wouldn’t be able to tell the difference. God, he sickens me”.

United manager Alex Ferguson has tried to calm things down, saying “Of course Tevez is an ugly bastard who looks a zombie’s abortion but we need to get back to talking about football and not the grotesquely misshapen headed players that City have. I mean, what the fuck is up with Lescott anyway? Is it true his real dad is Commander Worf?”

City’s debonair new manager Roberto Mancini said “Mffff a ppfmm pffff mfppe mmppfff a pfff fpfmmmmhh a mhhhh a mmmmmhhaa” before lowering his scarf and suggesting that no team with Wayne Rooney, Gary Neville and Anderson, clinically proven unable to close his own mouth, could possibly take another to task about having ugly players.

A war of words it may be, but for the neutral fan, we can only hope these words spark scenes of sickening violence on the pitch and, more importantly, on the terraces tomorrow night.

Minister for the Environment, and power hungry invertebrate, John Gormley today claimed the introduction of water charges could raise as much as €1bn a year for the exchequer.

Gormley's superior smile wowed assembled hacks despite crude Photoshop reproduction

Speaking to reporters outside the Green Party HQ, a hollowed out tree stump beside Baggot Street bridge, Gormley claimed the introduction of such charges was long overdue with Ireland being the only EU country not to have water metering in place. He also announced a €300m fund to fix defective water mains within the next three years. Reminding people about the Greens achievements in government, such as making lightbulbs and electrical products more expensive and the introduction of a carbon tax which would be used to pay off the national debt rather than provide resources to any kind of environmental project, Gormley then rubbed his chin while unveiling the Blue Steel of political smug looks.

However, the minister’s plans were shot down last night by the people of Dublin who accused him of ‘losing touch with the common man’ and being ‘a thundering bollix of a cunt’. Speaking to the Irish Sentinel, Dave Ryan of Poddle Park in Crumlin said “Charge me for water? What fuckin’ water? Since that bit of snow the pipes around here have been banjaxed. I have to use two bottles of Ballygowan to fill the cistern every time I have a shite and if a shite is costing me that much there’s no chance I’m going to pay for water when they do get it back on. Are they going to refund me every time the ancient pipes spring a leak and we’re having clean ourselves with a scouring pad and some wet wipes we nicked from Eddie Rockets?”

And his neighbour, frail 87 year old Bridget Cullen, said water charges would have a huge impact on her life. “I’m 89, so  I am, and I have to pay for me heatin’ and me messages and me Benson and Hedges and me Jameson which is the only thing which keeps me warm because I can’t afford to pay for me heatin’. Askin’ me to pay for the water is too much an’ anyway them Green lot do be doing nothin’ but screwin’ us if they’re not telling us to fuck off in the Dail in hilarious high pitched comedy voices”.

Experts the world over have described Ireland’s lack of water as ‘worse than retarded’, pointing out that an island nation where it rains 350 days a year having problems supplying water to its citizens is like Australia running out of musclebound, brain-dead barmen to be rude to customers and make shit cocktails in Irish pubs.

Gygax69 - Boards Moderator

A number of violent episodes followed in the wake of the boards.ie hack last week. Intrepid forum moderators had no choice but to manifest their Hitler complexes in the so-called ‘physical’ world.

“I moderate my forum on boards with an iron fist. Nobody, and I mean NOBODY, fucks with me and gets away it.”

The words of After Hours and Motors mod Gygax69.

In real life, Gygax69 is known as Seamus Brady, an unassuming 28 year old World of Warcraft enthusiast from Leitrim. Living with his mother in the sleepy hollow of Drumshambo, Seamus chose to shun the trappings of a regular young Leitrim man such as dowdy women, poorly modified cars, 10 shpots, 3rd level education and minimal standards of hygiene.

“I knew that was never the life for me. I knew, somehow, that I was different,  that my life was supposed to *mean* something. Sure, it was tempting. I mean, who doesn’t want to nick Micras and burn them out across the border, or finger fat birds in the alleyway beside Macaris chipper?”

Seamus shut himself off from the topsy-turvy world of Drumshambo when he discovered the internet. It was like a whole new world had opened up for him.

“Suddenly, I didn’t have to be a fat 28 year old virgin living with my Ma, working part-time in my uncle’s bakery, with really shit skin and terrible teeth. Online, I was like some kind of RamboJesus made out of ones and zeros. I could be whatever I wanted to be.”

With his snappy new online identity in place, Seamus trawled the net looking for an outlet where he could flex his newly found cyber-muscles.

“I used to get battered in school because I was smarter that everyone else. Not academically smart, or street smart, or sports smart, but you know… smart. People couldn’t handle the intellectual hand grenades I used to lob at them. Online though, I was the tough guy. I didn’t have to hide in the jacks at eleven o’clock break. Why? Because there are no eleven o’clock breaks on the internet, dumbass! Hahaha, pwnd you good. Anway, where was I? Oh yeah, I became an internet tough guy. Then I found boards in 2001 and joined the After Hours and Motors forum. At first, I was like ‘Hey, nice to talk to you etc’. This went on for two years or so. Eventually, they made me a moderator. From that day on, my place in history as the biggest cunt that ever ruled over an internet forum in Ireland has been firmly cemented in history. Don’t agree with me? Banned. Replied in a old thread? Banned. Cursing? Banned. Slagging off WoW? Banned, banned, banned.”

This continued for years. Gygax69 and his band of merry moderators were so good at their jobs, many new users would join boards, post once, get berated (“FFS. Did you even READ the forum rules, noob?”), then never come back.

However, on the 21st of January 2010, the world of Gygax69, online Superman, came crashing down. A hacker from one of the murkiest regions of cyberspace (Turkey) penetrated the Gibson servers of the boards mainframe. They uploaded the dreaded DaVinci virus, resulting in a mass outage of the boards.ie forum software

Suddenly, Seamus had nowhere to go.

“It was awful. I literally had nothing to do. I’d usually spend my days striking down new users with my staff of digital justice, but now I was just another fucking Leitrim douchebag. I felt like Clark Kent, except less educated.”

“My Ma asked me to take her Clio down to the mechanics. Her polio was playing up or something. Since I was a mod on the Motors forum, I thought myself more than capable of the job so off I went. When I got there, I decided to wow the mechanics with my knowledge of Nurburgring lap times. It all went wrong when one of the mechanics disagreed with me on the lap time of a Honda NSX. I whispered a private message into his ear saying ‘Don’t you DARE pull me up on anything like that again or I will ban you’. He’s all like ‘What the fuck are you on about man?’. That’s when I lose it. ‘Right, that’s it! You’re banned. Banned. Banned. Banned. For two weeks, no less!’. I began to escort him from his garage by the scruff of his (somewhat rouged) neck. That’s when I felt the sledgehammer in my back, followed by a balpeen to the temple. It was lights out at that point.”

Seamus Brady spent the next 2 days in intensive care and was only well enough to talk to the Irish Sentinel today. Had he learned anything from this experience?

“Yeah. Those mechanics in the garage that almost beat me to death? Fucking noobs. Tell them to try that shit on boards and I’ll wipe the floor with them. Now please leave. The site’s back up and I smell the blood of new users.”

And with that, Seamus sat back in bed and logged into his favourite forum. Cracking his neck muscles he mutters to himself: “Time to go to work, Gygax69. No fear. No fear.”

One of many stories of violence againsts boards.ie forum moderators across the country. Some call them lowest form of life in Ireland. Others call them badgers.

We call them people.

Fianna Fail today announced that a number of party members are undergoing what they say is ‘rigorous counselling’ having been subjected to experiences comparable to some of the worst crimes imaginable.

Martin Cullen signs book of condolences to himself

Minister Martin Cullen says press intrusion into his life was like being raped. He was brought to Pearse Street Garda station where a female Garda with a rape kit could find no signs of forced sexual intercourse but Cullen has been receiving treatment from specialists at the Mater Private Hospital, while in Tralee over 50 men queued up to shake hands with the assembled press corps.

Colleague Willie O’Dea claimed criticism of the Defence Forces for not helping out during the cold weather crisis was worse than being a resident at Letterfrack and ‘having the hole torn out of you by a Christian Brother’, and Minister for Social and Family affairs Mary Hanafin went on the record to say condemnation of her plans to cut social welfare in the budget was just as bad as being Josef Fritzl’s daughter, being locked away in a basement for 25 years and being forced to bear your own fathers children.

Opposition spokespeople have condemned such comparisons as ‘unbelievably crass’ but Brian Cowen, who says constant press sniping about his poor performance as Taoiseach is akin to ‘what the Jews suffered during World War Two’, hit back before being driven away by concerned staff in his chauffeur driven Mercedes, using photocopies of his enormous salary to distract him from his trauma.

Under pressure Liverpool manager Rafa Benitez thanked the club’s fans for their support after they beat Spurs 2-0 at Anfield last night, but die-hard reds may be shocked to know the win came at some cost.

Liverpool have struggled this season, losing and drawing too many games for a team that was tipped to win the title, and with even a Champions League position in the balance it looked as if the Spaniard’s reign at Anfield might be coming to an end. Despite changing tactics, team line-ups, training ground routines and every other available FootbalL Manager trick, such as instructing his players to use ‘Tackling: hard’ and ‘Pressing: always’, results just weren’t getting any better.

Dirk Kuyt got both Liverpool goals

Desperate for three points against one of their closest rivals for a top four spot, Benitez consulted former Liverpool legend Barry Venison who is now a practising Satanist. “When Rafa came to me I knew it was because he had exhausted all other possibilities. I’m a realist. I know people don’t want to ask Satanists for help, what with the whole Satan being prince of evil and that, but there’s Champions League money at stake here. Some things are more important than whether or not your soul burns for all eternity.

I gave him a few tips and one of our handy 64 page introductory booklets which give you some easy to follow rituals. And last night they beat Spurs 2-0. Coincidence? I think not”.

The Irish Sentinel can exclusively reveal that Benitez, assistant manager Sammy Lee and captain Steven Gerrard performed a gory sacrificial rite at Liverpool’s Melwood training complex yesterday morning. The unfortunate victim was Bash Street Kids-headed youngster, Jay Spearing, who was tied down while Benitez cut out his heart with a dagger made from the sharpened femur of Jim Beglin. Lee and Gerrard writhed naked in the blood as Benitez carried out a throaty incantation to the devil.

According to sources close to Benitez justified the slaughter of one of the club’s most promising young midfielders by saying, “We needed a goal, no? Thees ees a fact. I am talking about facts. We can not rely on the referee being perfect, no? Thees ees also a fact”, and carried on talking about facts and perfect referees and 27.000 people for close to an hour.

Tottenham boss Harry Redknapp declined to comment when the Irish Sentinel put the story to him but our reporter claims he reached almost 300 twitches per minute as he scanned the documents. FA rules do not preclude the use of magic, either white or black, leaving Redknapp with no scope for appeal but more time to get his taxes in order.