Artists impression of the bug

Tragedy struck Longford early this morning as a bug in Microsoft’s flagship web browser slaughtered 14 innocent school children.

The deceased 4th class students all attended the St. Mary of the Divine Spoon national school in Abbeyshrule. A post-mortem will be carried our later this afternoon, but it is believed the children perished during mid-morning break. Their teacher, Mrs. Toale, had left the class unattended for 5 minutes in order to retrieve her notebook from the staffroom. Witnesses say that a young computer enthusiast in the class, Jimmy Flavin, somehow managed to power up the class computer, and load up the Google.

It is believed Flavin’s computer hacking antics drew quite a crowd as he proceeded to type the word “boobs” into the Google image search. The giggles were short-lived however, as a previously undiscovered bug in Internet Explorer 7 leapt from the screen and shot the child’s face off like a hobo pulling the skin off a bowl of tomato soup.

The bug then proceeded to slaughter everyone in range, as a frenzied bloodbath of ones and zeroes raged on for at least five minutes. It was only when Mrs. Toale returned and pulled the plug on the computer did the killing stop. The beast retreated to the dark solace of his LCD prison for another day, leaving the 4th class teacher sloshing about, knee-deep in the blood of the innocent. The survivors have been shipped to a mental institution in Donegal for ongoing treatment.

Mrs. Toale has been given a strongly-worded written warning by the teachers union and a file is being prepared for the DPP.

For four years the Irish Blog Awards have been a raucous, and often nude, celebration of the best of the Irish ‘blogosphere’.

From all corners of the country bloggers of all shapes and sizes converge on Dublin to drink pints, tell jokes about UNIX and swap Wordpress upgrade tips. Secondary to this is an elaborate awards ceremony, hosted by popular radio presenter and former TD for Dublin South-Central, Rick O’Shea.

Mullet has challenged Declan Ganley to a duel. As yet Ganley has not repsonded.

Already preparations are underway for the 2009 show with a change of venue and, indeed, a change of city. This years awards will take place in Cork, home of the founder and country music singer Damien Mullet. He told the Irish Sentinel “People have said it’s great that I’m bringing the show to Cork, the real capital of Ireland, and that I’m doing my bit for Corkonian rights, but it goes much deeper than that.

It’s all to do with handiness. After this year’s show I can just grab a taxi and go home. As you might imagine a taxi from Dublin each year costs a fortune”.

But with excitement building amongst the blog populi a dissenting voice has emerged. Hank Scorpio, Libertas spokesman, has called on people to vote against the Irish Blog Awards. He said “So what is in this ‘awards show’ that is so objectionable? It grants extensive powers to the Irish Blog Awards with no real means of holding accountable those taking over the power. The Irish Blog Awards will have extensive power over key areas Irish blog life. In some of these they are even granted exclusive control and in others they will have the ability to write Irish blog legislation.

In fact, it is hard to think of any major function of blogging in which the Irish Blog Awards cabal would not have power over if the Irish Blog Awards goes ahead. For the future of Irish blogging people should vote ‘no’.”

The move has been met with widespread condemnation across the Irish Blogging scene apart from the blogger who likes everything who said “I can see his point of view. Yes, the Irish Blog Awards is great, and yes, it’s my absolute ambition to win one but Libertas won’t follow me on Twitter if I go against them so I’m saying that we should acknowledge how great the awards are and give full props to Damien Mullet but at the same time we should vote ‘no’. It’s easy being me”.

It’s not the first controversial incident to emerge from the Irish Blog Awards. In 2006 blogger Twenty Major sent a henchman who, unbeknownst to many, released a pheromone into the audience which would ensure he won awards for the next two years. His evil plan was revealed in his 2008 autobiography ‘My life as a cunt’, before his enforced retirement due to old age.

And in 2007 fourteen audience members were gunned down in cold blood by a Limerick gang who took their fancy dress just that one step too far.

Following reports which suggested that up to 400 people were awaiting admission to hospitals across Ireland the HSE has insisted that ‘there’s nothing to worry about’.

Each of the patients is currently lying on a hospital trolley in a corridor, janitor’s closet, hallway or atrium but hospital administrators say media reaction has blown the problem out of all proportion.

Patients huddle for warmth in Beaumont hospital yesterday

“It’s not like it used to be”, said Harney Lackeybot Mk 2.3, directly from the HSE Bunker in Molesworth Street. “In the old days the trolleys were not that great, we freely admit that, but nowadays we have replaced those with state of the art new trolleys with fully functional wheels.

As well as that we have added full entertainment suites to each trolley location, meaning the humanoids, I mean patients, patients, are kept amused at all times. For example, there is a comprehensive library in each section and for the slightly less injured or ill patients there’s an exercise we call ‘Toilet dash’, which keeps them riveted let me tell you. The basic conceit is that the patient has to scurry to the toilet and hope their trolley hasn’t been given to a new patient in the meantime.

You hear people like Eamonn Keane on Newstalk going on and on about the failings of the health service but let me ask him and his ilk this? If we have no beds where else are we supposed to put these people? Trolleys and coridors are the only option. I can tell you that in England they’re left outside on benches bought from Homebase. Would he have us take the people off the trolleys and put them out into the bitter cold? We’re ahead of the game here in Ireland, we really are”.

But not all patients agree. John O’Sullivan has been waiting for admission to Tallaght Hospital since 2002. “The doctors told me I only had 6 months to live. Got the cancer, you see. But I’ve been on this trolley since the day I arrived and I’m fucked if I’m going to die and make it easy for him. And as for this ‘entertainment suites’, as they call them, a few raggedy copies of weeks-old Heat and Hello magazines are not what I’d call entertainment.

If I wanted to know about the state of Kerry Katona’s gee I’d ring up that cunt Brian McFadden”.

Minister for Health, Mary Harney, was unavailable for comment but sources have told the Irish Sentinel that a new Trolley Displacement Committee has been set up to look into the problem. To create the available resources 52 nurses have been fired with immediate effect.

There were frightening scenes in Manchester this weekend as a real life monster prowled the streets and terrorised passers-by.

Brave photographer was eaten after taking this snap

Reports were made to police at around 1.30am as revellers in the Princess Street area were faced with the hideous beast. It is thought that the zombie, who had already feasted on the blood and brains of innocents and was making his way back to his lair, took a wrong turn and ended up in the popular nightclub area.

“It was so frightening”, said Linda Catona (31) from Stretford. “We were just outside the nightclub trying to start a fight between our boyfriends and some other lads who were just trying to get a taxi home when we heard screams. Then people started fleeing down the street like that naked girl in Vietnam who got all her clothes burned off.

At first we were all like ‘What’s going on?’ but then when we saw why they were running we ran too. There were people falling all over the place. He was just coming down the road going ‘Raarrrr’ and ‘Grrrrraaaraaargh’ but his guttural bellows were nowhere near as scary as his face. I’ll never forget it as long as I live. It will haunt my dreams forever”.

In the ensuing stampede at least 8 people were injured and taken to hospital, three of them are said to be in a critical condition.

“We’re not sure if they’ll make it”, said Dr Ranjeep Singh, “their injuries are very severe and all we can do is hope for the best”.

Forty-six other people were treated for shock. Greater Manchester Police have advised people to be on the look out and not to approach the fiend should they find him.

“He should be treated as highly dangerous”, said a spokesman, “he might be old and slow but this is one dirty cunt of a zombie, make no mistake”.

A County Mayo farmer has been arrested and charged with mass murder as the pork crisis took a sinister turn yesterday. With products heading back onto the shelves and bacon addicts across the land now able to go to bed without seeing dead babies crawling across the roof at them while techno music plays in their heads, there were distressing scenes at Gerry O’Toole’s farm just outside Claremorris.

Garda Finbar O'Loughlin escapes the scene

Gardai were alerted when locals reported a strange smell and high-pitched squeals and screams. They arrived on the scene with two vets in the belief that pigs were being slaughtered inhumanely but were shocked at what they saw.

“I’ve had to give some of the men time off. They’re traumatised and frankly I don’t blame them”, said Superintendent Declan Burke of Castlebar Garda station. “In all my years in this force I don’t think I’ve ever seen anything that put the heart as crossways in me as this did. It was absolute carnage. There were bits everywhere, gore, limbs, heads, and the flies. Jesus Christ, there were enough flies to feed the whole of Ethiopia for a month.”

Eye-witnesses said the Gardai and vets emerged from the farm with crusted vomit around their mouths, some of them weeping inconsolably. Mr O’Toole was led away and later charged with 146 counts of first degree murder.

His lawyer, Steve Austin, told the Irish Sentinel, “The whole thing is just a big mistake. He was listening to Today FM and he heared Ray Darcy say that it was ok for pigmy processing to begin again and, desperate as he was to start providing his customers with product, he imported a load of them from Borneo and got to work.

We’re sure the judge will understand given the very trying circumstances of the last week”.

Ronnie McGrew appears every Thursday on the Irish Sentinel to talk about the town he loves so well. This week he’s in the festive spirit as he talks about Christmas in Dublin.

Ronnie McGrew may cause side effects such as nausea, diziness, headaches and AIDS.

There is a giant black hole at the centre of Urlingford, Co. Kilkenny, a study has confirmed.

German astronomers tracked the movement of 28 stars circling the centre of south Leinster, using two telescopes in Chile. The black hole is four million times heavier than our Sun, according to the paper in The Astrophysical Journal.

Kilkenny to bring about end of world - just as Nostradamus predicted

Black holes, or to give them their Latin name ‘Naomicampbellus Anusis’, are objects whose gravity is so great that nothing - including light - can escape them. Locals are being warned to stay away and not to stare directly into the infinite chasm as the consequences could be catastrophic for the entire planet.

“It looks as if this particular black hole is dormant”, said John Quilligan of the Urlingford Astrophysical Society of Urlingford. “It has existed without anybody knowing it was there for the last 4 billion years. However, we urge the public not to start messing. For example, some smart Alec kids might think it’s a great idea to throw an empty coca-cola can into it, thinking it will appear in some other universe and hit some other smart Alec kids in the head but nothing could be further from the truth.

Black holes are like lions. A lion gets a taste for human flesh and he wants more. A black hole starts getting things chucked into it and there’s just no stopping him. He’ll start using his gravity to suck small items, then cars, people, the entire town and soon enough Ireland, then the rest of the planet will disappear and God knows where we’d be then”.

The government have contacted Professor Stephen Hawking for advice but as the voice box is not working on his wheelchair they have filled his mouth with ink and are still waiting for him to dribble a reply.

Katy French has been appointed Managing Editor of Independent Newspapers. “She still got so much sass”, says Tony O’Reilly.

****

Irish poultry producers are ‘living in fear’ according to one chicken farmer. “If people think the stuff being fed to pigs and cattle is bad, wait till they find out what shite we give the birds. It’s mostly gravel and pieces of irradiated foam”.

****

Irish Bloggers have come together to produce a book which aims to help the homeless problem in Dublin city. “I’m hoping”, said one of the organisers, “that we can raise enough money to have these people killed once and for all. Lazy fuckers”.

****

Crazy Hansard: "Would you get out of me face. I'm just trying to buy some bin bags."

Riots continued in Greece after a young man was shot dead and government used the furore to rush through a legislative change without opposition. Anal sex has been banned under punishment of prison but Yannis Gianakopolis, who took to the streets in opposition, said “This is the very foundation of Greek society and they have destroyed it. We will not give up until our rights to chocolate mining are restored”.

****

A County Carlow woman was held hostage in her own home last night after the monkey on the box of Coco Pops came alive and ‘went fuckin’ mental’. Gardai were called to the scene with vets from Dublin Zoo but the stand-off continued until specially trained army forces shot the rampant simian dead.

****

Further token arrests have been made in the O’Kane murder case. Gardai spokesman Prionsias McDenny says “We like to give the public the impression that we are doing all we can, so we’re arresting every 13 year old scumbag in a hoodie we can find. We’ll let them all go, of course, as nobody is going to go to jail for this. We’d like to arrest the parents but they’re in the middle of an ongoing state-sponsored methadone program.”

****

Oscar winner Glen Hansard spotted in Blanchardstown shopping center buying bin liners. Could new love be on the horizon?

***

Davina McCall will present another series of UK Big Brother in 2009, though viewing figures are expected to be lower than last year’s total of 31. In other entertainment news, Jim Bowen will begin a new presenter role on T4 in February.

There might be still two weeks until Christmas but one Crumlin man is suffering for his attempts to bring Christmas cheer to his neighbourhood.

Steven ‘Dotso’ Doherty, 43, of Bangor Road has become well known for the lights outside his home. Over the years it has grown from a simple set of fairy lights in a tree, powered by the generator in his caravan parked in the driveway, to an incredible display so powerful it can be seen from space.

Tasteful Crumlin light display doesn't come free

This year he spent 3 months custom making glowing snowmen, a neon Jesus and Mary, a Santa made entirely from LEDs, reindeers powered by Maglite torches and a chain of lights which outline his house run from an iMac which displays in millions of colours. He switched them on on December 1st but was yesterday declared bankrupt in the district court after failing to pay the ESB the €55,000 it has cost to run since that date.

“I’m gutted”, he said yesterday. “All I was trying to do was bring the magic of Christmas to my fellow residents and now look. Don’t the ESB have any heart? Where’s their Christmas spirit?”

However, a spokesperson for the ESB said “This puts the grid for whole area under incredible pressure, especially when you consider how many other idiots, I mean fellow Christmas revellers, have decided to follow suit and have the kind of display outside their houses that you wouldn’t even see during a Chinese Olympic ceremony. Electricity is not free at Christmas or any other time of the year”.

So the lights are out at Dohertys and while the street may not be as festive as it was some residents are glad. One woman, Marie Doyle, who wished to remain anonymous, told us “I live opposite him and even though I have black-out curtains it was like the middle of the day in my sitting room. I’ve been going around with dark glasses on the whole time. Frankly it’s a relief that when someone calls to my door in the evening they don’t think it’s Roy Orbison opening it”.

It’ll be lonely next Christmas for cheating Athy housewife Bridget McAuley after her own child stood against her in divorce proceedings from husband Seamus. Bridget’s four-year-old son Otis Jay testified that he had caught his mother in flagrante with a strange bearded man on Christmas Eve of last year.

"STOP KILLING MY MOMMY!"

Courageous tot Otis immediately informed his father of his mother’s brazen adultery, saying “She didn’t see me creep, down the stairs to have a peep; she thought that I was tucked in bed fast asleep.” The young nark also reported that the filthy Jezebel had tempted the stranger into her home for illicit lovemaking and beard tickling with a glass of whisky and some Christmas cake, although the presence of a carrot with the cake remains a mystery. A heartbroken Seamus immediately began divorce proceedings.

Following the court’s decision to award all costs and custody to Seamus, the adorable young snitch commented: “I was horrified by what I saw. The man was old enough to be her grandfather and repeatedly called her a ‘ho’ as they kissed by the Christmas tree. We’re well shot of that slovenly wench.”

The case at the children’s court follows a decision last week to offer €25,000 in damages to Bluebell Morocco Tiernan, after her Yuletide requests for dental care were ignored.