Catholic Church officials have today announced their plans to revolutionise the whole area of child abuse, says our religious correspondant Paddy Winkletwitch.

The bishop hopes rape 'on demand' will bring people back to the church

At a hushed press conference in Dublin’s five star Crofton Airport Hotel, assembled reporters were told by church officials that public perception of child abuse was at an all time low and that the organisation was destined to lose support unless they modernised procedures.

It’s a seachange in thinking from the church, some observers have likened it to Vatican II and modern child abuse victims are likely to find the experience ‘radically different yet equally satisfying’.

“If you think about the old way”, said one bishop, “it was a bit of grooming then off with the cassock and straight down to it. With sexual appetites more advanced due to internet pornography we have to move with the times. We can’t just continue the age old tradition of rutting children like stags in heat. We need to get parishioners more involved. They can’t be kept in the dark anymore, it is down to us to ensure they play an active part in the molestation of children. We have to keep them coming back every week”.

The first new measure was trialled just last night as the Bishop of Ferns, Dennis Brennan, announced details of a new ‘PPR’ or ‘Pay-per-rape’ service.

“The dioscese spent over €8m settling 48 civil actions”, he said. “Some litigants were abused over 60 years ago. Another 13 lawsuits are pending. We can’t go just around raping willy-nilly. If the good catholics of this country want their children to be professionally abused then they’re going to have to put their hands in their pockets.

But we’re mindful of the fact that people want extra quality these days so this will by no means be the last new addition. We hope to introduce a HD service by the end of the year and early next year we’ll have PPR+ which will allow people to pause and rewind live rapes”.

Victim groups have expressed outrage at the idea, with one spokesperson saying “This is beyond satire. If it gets any more unrealistic you’ll have the bishops looking for people to contribute to the compensation the church has been ordered to pay”.

Taoiseach Brian Cowen has said there are no immediate plans to increase the existing retirement age for either public or private sector workers.

However, as Cowen is about a trustworthy as Gary Glitter in a room full of pre-pubscent Asian girls, reports are leaking from Leinster House than an announcement is imminent. The Irish Sentinel’s well placed political sources tell us it is only a matter of time before the retirement age is raised to ‘death’.

Mary Coughlan likely to retain cabinet seat despite reshuffle

“I don’t want to have to work forever”, said Paddy Madigan, as he queued for his half-portion at the carvery of his local. “I’ve worked my hole off for this country and now that blubbery prick wants me to keep going to so he doesn’t have to pay my pension and he can rape me for the tax to pay for NAMA. I’ll smash his fat face in if he tries”.

Away from threats of violence from soon to be not OAPs the cabinet reshuffle is dominating the thoughts of the Taoiseach. Rumours abound that Martin Cullen has asked to be left out of the next cabinet due to health issues although Cowen is reluctant to dimiss Mary Coughlan despite public and political pressure to do so.

“He can’t shaft Mary”, said our insider. “Cowen knows that as long as Coughlan is his right hand man, so to speak, he looks calm, assured, intelligent and decisive. Put somebody with even half a clue about what they’re doing in there and he’s going to look bad. It’s exactly why Mary Harney still has a job. She’s a partyless hack but Cowen just loves how slim she makes him look”.

For the people of Ireland Brian Cowen’s vanity proves ever more costly.

Sources close to Ashley Cole have said he’s ‘over the moon’ at the break up of his marriage to Girls Aloud singer Cheryl. Cheryl, who came second in Britain’s most photographed Geordie of 2009 competition behind Sting, made the announcement yesterday after returning from Los Angeles.

Cheryl slow on the take up

The Chelsea player has been the subject of widespread scorn and mocking as it became clear his union with one of the most beautiful women in the world was over. “Wot a tw@t”, said one poster to Chelsea fan site ‘Dennis Wise’s Taxi Ride’. “Cheryl is fit as fk nd them other bints are right dogs innit!!!!”

Yet the Irish Sentinel can exclusively reveal that Ashley had grown tired of speaking to his wife through an interpreter and was determined to bring things to a head.

“People are putting 2 and 2 together and making 3″, said the source. “Ash might be a little on the slow side but even he can see that Cheryl is about the hottest woman he could ever hope to be with, but beauty is more than skin deep. She’s a nightmare to live with, they barely speak the same language. His London ears and just not accustomed to that Northern drawl and he’s been trying to end things for some time.

He does care for her which is why it was so difficult. He couldn’t just sit her down and tell her face to face. He knew she’d fly off the handle and when someone’s screaming at you in a foreign language it’s quite intimidating.

So he knew he had to go about it a different way. He figured that by sleeping with other women, each one more hideous than the last, she’d realise what was going on. The first girl was a hairdresser who looked like she’d got her face stuck down the back of the couch before undergoing a TracyEminplasty. It was obvious from then but Cheryl never twigged. He had to keep plumbing the depths of the womankind until they got so ugly and so butch that even she couldn’t fail to see it.

Ashley is just looking forward to a quiet life now”.

A spokesperson for Cheryl Cole refused to comment this morning as John Terry issued a press release offering his ‘world renowned comforting service’ in her hour of need.

Irish Independent columnist Kevin Myers has emerged this morning as the shock new candidate for a place on RTE’s football punditry panel. With bosses set to fire former Liverpool midfielder Ronnie Whelan after numerous complaints about his ‘high-pitched witless bollocks’, it seems Myers recent foray into the world of sports analysis has impressed deputy head of sport Ryle Nugent.

How Myers might look alongside Dunphy (proportions accurate to within 0.1%)

After Ireland’s defeat to France in the 6 Nations, Myers lambasted out-half Ronan O’Gara saying he was as weak as ‘Kate Moss after a weekend on the gicker’, prompting a furious response from the Munster man. He claimed Myers knew nothing about rugby and was in no position to make judgements.

“When I heard O’Gara say that Myers knew nothing about rugby I knew he was the perfect man for us”, said Nugent yesterday. “If there’s one thing we like here in RTE it’s consistency and since time immemorial we’ve had pundits who, as soon as they open their mouth, make it quite clear they haven’t the first notion about the sport they’re supposed to be commenting on. And I think it’s quite obvious from his appearances on ‘That’s all we have time for’ that Kevin is well suited to panel type shows … even if he does have to have all his ‘jokes’ written down on cards for him because he’s about as funny as infant leukemia”.

Myers himself refused to be drawn but suggested to the Irish Sentinel that he was ‘perfectly informed’ about ‘association football’. “You don’t need to be Einstein to know your way around this game for ruffians, sex pests and borstal boys. I know my Alex Fergunson from my Insane Wenger, my Phil Bruce from my Steve Brown. I know when a player is off the side and when a penalty ball should be allocated. I can tell you the main difference between a four-four-two and a three-six-five, the connection between Wayne Rooney’s brutish countenance and F Scott Fitzgerald’s Gatsby, and why Scimitar Bergkamptov is the best outside right since Alfred Finney.

And if I clash with Dunphy or Giles then it will simply be because they are wrong and I am right. They can accuse me all they like of having no background in the game but I’ve got a first class honours from the University of Kevin Myers. They have graduated from Bolton St VEC of thugball. One does not need to be a carpenter to see when one’s chair is incapable of supporting one”.

Reaction from football fans around the country has been mixed, with one poster on dangerhere.com saying “The one thing I always liked about RTE is that it wasn’t nearly as shit as ITV’s football coverage. Add this eloquent cunt to the panel and I’m gonna let Clive Tyldsley aurally rape me every time”.

Meanwhile RTE denied rumours that George Hook was to be removed from the rugby panel after upsetting Late Late Show host Ryan Tubridy by suggesting he was a Fianna Fail lackey. “There’s no truth to that at all”, said an insider. “Sure how could Ryan get upset by that? Everyone knows he’s up to his bollix with them and without the family connections he’d probably be a continuity announcer on TV3″.

Israeli ambassador Liam Cullinane

The Israeli intelligence service has taken time out of its quarterly Irish passport panhandling exercise to compare notes about character assassination with the former Minister for Defence, Willie O’Dea.

Speaking on behalf of the visiting delegation, Deputy Mossad boss Finbar McGinty said:

“We were impressed with the direct way Mr. O’Dea tackled his mark. He said to the journalist: this man runs a whore house! Why not report on the whore house that this man run! This is like a verbal pillow used to smother a senior Hamas figure in a Dubai hotel, hypothetically speaking.”

Mossad are still under a very blotted microscope following the assassination of a Hamas operative in Dubai. Yesterday the BBC reported on a statement from Israel that said (and this is true):

“Israel’s foreign minister has said the use of false EU passports by a hit squad suspected of killing a leading Hamas official in Dubai did not prove the involvement of the Israeli spy agency, Mossad.”

Leading comedian Dara O’Briain said: “That is just a fucking awesome response. It’s like ‘just because your pet is roadkill and I have 11 cars registered in Europe, five of them Irish and they all have blood on their tyres, doesn’t mean that we ran over your pet, even though these are the only vehicles for 1,000 square miles and your pet and the eleven of us are sworn blood enemies. That doesn’t prove anything!”

Responding to hypothetical questions about the need for 11 assassins, Mossad’s McGinty said:

“Hypothetically speaking, Steven Spielberg is a big swinging dick in the Jewish world and he fancies a follow up to his movie Munich about a cadre of assassins who kill Palestinian militants in the wake of the 1972 Olympics. Hypothetically speaking.”

When queried about his Irish name, the Mossad boss said:

“I cannot answer that question at this time, please direct all further queries to our head of international relations, Daithí O’Mongáin.”

Back in Limerick, Willie O’Dea sought to divert media focus on his resignation with the announcement that his real name is Ely Shizmann and that just because a political opponent had been viciously defamed, and just because that political opponent was an enemy of his, it didn’t mean he had done the defaming, even though he was recorded on tape doing so.

The press were not to be distracted – until Michael O’Leary farted into a press release – and they pursued O’Dea about his co-operation with any Garda investigation into the matter of the alleged brothel. O’Dea said (direct quote):

“Of course I’d co-operate. How far I’d co-operate I don’t know. I’ll certainly co-operate to the best of my ability.”

One onlooker replied:

“What the fuck is that? This isn’t the fucking cub scouts – we’re not talking about a proficiency badge here! Best-of-my-ability me arse!”

In an highly charged interview on RTE’s News at One, Minister for Defence told Sean O’Rourke that he was a victim as the controversy over his Limerick Leader interview continued.

Willie O'Dea smiles through the pain

The Limerick TD was clearly emotional as recent events had been ‘very difficult’ for him in the wake of his allegations against Sinn Fein’s Maurice Quinlivan which suggested the councillor was brothel keeper. As he was further challenged as to whether or not he received the information he forgot he mentioned to a journalist but then remembered after he’d made a sworn affidavit from the Gardai, Mr O’Dea could be heard keening softly ‘No more, no more’.

A Fianna Fail insider told the Irish Sentinel that the Minister was ‘in bits’ and called on the opposition and media to ’stop being so unspeakably mean’.

“This persecution of a great man is beyond the pale. Yes, Willie O’Dea is also a victim. A victim in that he was made pay compensation in a defamation case. A victim in that he has been subjected to the kind of questioning in the Dail that no other politician has ever had to face. A victim in that he is being made tell his ludicrous story over and over again? Have they forgotten that he is a Fianna Fail minister or something? Since when was it acceptable to hold a member of this great party accountable to their actions and, less importantly, their words?”

“It’s been tough on Willie. Imagine how hard it must be to sit there and have your wrongdoings exposed in public when they should have just been ignored the way they are for any other member of Fianna Fail. Those pictures of him laughing smugly only hide the heartbreak and anguish he is feeling at this moment in time. He won’t be seen to be affected but on the inside he is crying like John Waters writing about Katy French”.

And the Minister’s future looked ever more uncertain as a Green Party meeting to discuss their support of the government took place. Well placed sources told us that John Gormley and Eamon Ryan got down on their knees to beg for full support of the coalition and their Ministerial salaries while a number of party members, who between them found an ounce of morality, are determined to ‘do the right thing’.

Speaking on his Twitter account, party Chairman Dan Boyle called for Willie O’Dea’s resignation and set up a Facebook group “I’m just testing the waters here but if I were, hypothetically speaking, to go against the party leadership and continue to condemn O’Dea would you still be my friends?”.

As of this afternoon almost tens of people had joined, all the while Willie O’Dea’s moustache is twitching like a geriatric Yosemite Sam as his political career remains uncertain.

via NewsArse

After last night’s 2-1 Champions League defeat by Porto, Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger has declared that he will no longer field lucky competition winners in goal during Europe’s premier club competition.

Lucky supporter Lukasz Fabianski was drawn from a hat shortly before kick-off and left the terraces to take his position in front of the Arsenal back four for last night’s last first leg knock-out match. Unfortunately, Fabianski was at fault for both Porto goals, despite a last minute briefing from the management on the rules of Association Football.

Fabianski searches for his autograph book during the game

After the match, a despondent Wenger told reporters, “We like to keep the fans involved, obviously, but you saw tonight the consequence of having an amateur between the posts.”

“He told us he’d played in goal for his school a couple of times, so we gave him the gloves instead of putting him up front. But frankly, that claim seems quite preposterous when you look at his performance.”

Wenger expressed his regret over his previous backing of the controversial ‘fans in the team’ initiative.

“I will admit to originally being a fan of the ‘Play For Arsenal’ lottery, but I am starting to think we should have played an actual goalkeeper this evening. It’s not just on the pitch that it has caused issues – as I was giving the team talk he went round getting everyone’s autograph.”

“We have to remember, first and foremost we are a global sports brand, and as such we must make significant progress in competitions  such as this one.”

A leading Arsenal fan told us, “I can just imagine the taunting we’re going to get off the Man United fans at work, I’m getting absolutely sick of hearing them sing, ‘Our global brand recognition is bigger than yours’.”

“I like Wenger, but unless he starts putting professional footballers in goal really soon, he’s going to lose the support of the fans – apart from the ones he plays, obviously.”

King-of-quitters Roy Keane has publicly supported George Lee following Lee’s shock departure from Fine Gael last week. The move followed a tough nine months for the RTE celeb-reporter during which sources say Lee just, ‘couldn’t get his way’.

Bird: I'm kind of a big deal

Speaking about George Lee’s brief political career, Keane said:

“He should turn off his phone. It’s basic manners. Turn off your phone. That’s the third time it has rang!” glowered Keane. “The ball shouldn’t have been in the box in the first place!”

George Lee is delighted with the support and is believed to be in talks with anti-smoking giant Nicorette for a joint advertising venture featuring himself, Keane and Kevin Keegan. Nicorette’s head of marketing Lynn Endrawers said:

“We sell quitting, so what we need are high-profile people who are synonymous with quitting. Quitting smoking is one of the most challenging things a person can do. The message we want to send is that smokers should throw their toys out of the pram and walk away from their commitment to smoking. If you can imagine smoking as a hopeful electorate, or some really passionate national football fans, what we want to do is let those people down. Just leave them hanging.”

The trio of useless, quitting turds are said to be very excited about the project. Keegan, Keane and Lee will cover the Billy Ocean classic, ‘When the going gets tough – just leave abruptly and blame it all on management, even if you are management’. New lyrics are said to include:

“I’ll climb any mountain – provided the deal is right and John Delaney killed in front of me”, and; “I’ll do anything – unless it requires perseverance, endurance, the ability to stick with it or anything that prevents  me from toddling off at the drop of a hat because I’m a big baby and I pooped my pants.”

Meanwhile RTE’s other ace-quitter, Charlie Bird is set to return his battered face to national television following a ‘sabbatical’ in America that culminated in a dreadful autobiographical documentary about male loneliness. Sources say that Bird struggled in a country where people were a different colour and it wasn’t cool to point that out.

Back in Leinster House, the jury is still out on whether the Lee debacle is a black eye or a kick in the nuts for Fine Gael leader Enda Kenny. One party insider said:

“Enda Kenny is the Paul McShane of Irish politics. You admire his commitment, but he’s brainless and every time he steps into the fray you’re just waiting for the howling error to come. It’s absolutely unthinkable that he could lead Ireland.”

The Premier League is considering introducing a new system to determine the fourth club to qualify for the next season’s European Champions League.

Smaller clubs hope to fist their way into Europe

Under the current rules the fourth placed club in the league is automatically entered into the final qualifying round where they face a playoff game over two legs. However, a new proposal from Chief Exective Richard Scudamore would see the remaining 17 clubs battle it out for the final European place in a televised ‘Rock, paper, scissors’ tournament.

The move has been enthusiastically supported by all the clubs outside the ‘big four’ of Arsenal, Chelsea, Man United and Liverpool who have dominated the Champions League places in recent years.

“This is bloody marvelous”, said Alfred Dalrymple, Honorary Life Secretary of Hull City. “It’s about time they clubs like us a chance. Clubs that’d never be in Europe in’t million years. But now that they’ve taken away any need to qualify on merit we could find ourselves welcoming European giants like Real Madrid, Inter Milan or FC Rubin Kazan to’t KC Stadium”.

Fulham manager Roy Hodgson told the Irish Sentinel “I’m weally intewested in seeing how the Pwemier League bwing this into being. Obviously it’s twemendously exciting for clubs that have twaditionally stwuggled to get anywhere near fourth place. Personally I think it’s wight thing to do and we’ll be pwacticising our wock, paper, scissors after twaining evewy day”.

Critics of the idea say it will dilute the tournament even further, pointing out that at least the current system at least rewards consistency over the course of a season. “It’s a fuckin’ stupid idea, aye. Ye cannae turn on the bloody group without seeing the 4th best team in Bollockstan playing some shower o’ Romanian gypsies. If that’s their idea of Champions then I despair”, said one Premier League manager who asked not to be named before going after a BBC reporter with a empty bottle of Glenmorangie.

Meanwhile, UEFA have demanded an investigation into player salaries after they spoke out against Ashley Cole. According to their spokesman “Clearly footballers have more money than sense. This man is married to one of the hottest women on the planet yet sends pictures of his cock to dumpy hairdresssers and secretaries who probably have quims like a wizard’s sleeve. Something has to be done”.

Clubs have previously resisted attempts to introduce a salary cap but Cole’s latest indiscretion may just be the wake up call that football needs.

Jesus imparts some wisdom to local residents

Councilors and gardaí in Mayo are calling on people to give up bad driving for Lent. Mayo County Council has said that instead of giving up chocolate, beer or hanging around the swimming pool taking surreptitious camera phone photos of pre-pubescent girls in swimsuits, motorists should stop speeding, tail-gating and using phones while driving.

The gardai in Castlebar have backed the call saying that road-users should use Lent as a starting point to change their behaviour for the better. Sergeant Dick Monogram, from Swinford Garda station said “I don’t know why we haven’t thought of this before, tying in obeying the law with obeying the Lord. People over here are scared *shitless* of Jebus. We’ll save lives while the chocoholics, booze jockeys and filthy pederasts can go about their business as normal”.

It would seem the whole community are getting on board, with many pledging to change their wicked ways in favour of nailing a front row seat in the strip club of heaven.

Local slut Sarah O’Toole expressed huge enthusiasm for the scheme. Aged just 16, she made a solemn promise to the lord almighty to “not get the box sawn off me” by every local lothario who so much as beeps the horn of their Vauxhall Calibra at her. Her 7 children will welcome the news.

However, some Mayo residents are unhappy at the council’s suggestion. Mickey Harte, aged 19 from Ballyhaunis, said the religious aspect had scuppered his plans. “I was planning on spending lent driving recklessly, you know. Doing laps of the town, racing knob-ends in Micras, texting my girlfriend at the same time and smoking joints as I burn the rubber of my 95 Nissan Sylvia. How can I do it now though?

I mean, I’ve seen all the safety films and the ads on the telly when the bloke crashes into a garden and lands on a kid playing football and they didn’t make the first bit of difference. All that buck was worried about was his insurance. I could happily ignore road safety advice all day… but you can’t ignore Lent”.

And it seems other counties are looking at Mayo as a new trail-blazer and copying the appeals. Gardai in Dundalk have appealed to shoppers to give up crossing the border for cheaper groceries and carjacking people with samurai swords. Wicklow County Council has urged people not kill their wives with bricks for the duration of Lent while in Dublin there have been calls for gangsters to stop robbing the country blind and abusing power so badly that it affects every strata of society.

So far there has been no response from Dail Eireann. They are currently on holidays for the vampire new year.

: We asked people around the country to tell us what they’re giving up for Lent…

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.