The only sticking point appears to be the war between Waterford and Tipperary residents over the ‘holy land’ of Carrick-on-Suir. It is believed the blessed virgin Mary appeared to Sean Kelly whilst on a training ride in 1980.

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RTE’s new satirical show ‘This is Nightlive’ has debuted to mixed reactions from the public. “I thought it was great”, said one man, while another said “It was a bit shit really”.

The spoof news show has been compared to The Day Today and Brass Eye. “That’s like comparing Maser to Banksy”, said one writer to popular message board, bores.ie.

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A Co Carlow man has been accused of 76 counts of sexual assualt, against a statue. Roy Griffin was repeatedly filmed rubbing up and down against a statue of Wolfe Tone in the Gimpy Arms bar on Tullow Street.

He will appear in court next Tuesday week charged with ‘aggravated frottage’.

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Ray Shah - pictured during his prison days

Former Republic of Ireland manager Steve Staunton has been appointed manager of Supermacs, main street Drogheda.

“I’m the gaffer”, he repeatedly told unhappy workers and his plans to cut shifts and pay have seen unions threaten strike action.

“I’m sure we can convince everyone what we’re doing is in the best interests of the company”, said Staunton’s assistant Ian Harte.

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Big Brother contestant Ray Shah has been appointed Head of News at TV3. Station bosses say he’ll bring a new ’spunk and energy to what has become a rather staid part of television’.

“I’ve got all kinds of deadly ideas”, said the Vin Diesel lookalike in the Shelbourne Hotel yesterday. “Wally of the week, Celebrity Spa-off and the Brian Dowling Gayometer will hit your screens shortly. Wicked!”

The former Spurs and Wolves and Coventry and Inter Milan and Fettercairn Rovers player has failed to acclimatise to life in Liverpool after spending most of his life in areas of much higher civilisation.

Getting closer - Keane celebrates his two yard miss against Hull

A source close to the player said “Robbie just can’t get to grips with Merseyside life. It’s like a foreign country for him -  he feels battered like Jamie Bulger at the moment. He’s struggled with the language for a start. He just can’t understand a word people are saying and they haven’t got a clue either when he speaks in that thick, Dublin brogue of his.

Then there’s the food. When you go from eating Funghi Trifolati followed by Gamberi Calamari Livornese with a handmade Tiramisu it’s hard to cope with ‘Southern Fried Poppin’ chicken’ and Beef Roast TV dinners from Iceland.

But he’s hopeful that things will get better in 2009. A player from abroad usually takes about 6 months to settle into life  in the Premier League and he’s sure that by the end of February he’ll be back to his best”.

So far this season Keane has missed open goals from 7 yards, 5 yards, 3 yards and, in the FA Cup game against Preston, failed to score from less than 2 inches in front of goal.

It has caused Liverpool manager Rafa Benitez to wonder if the £20m he spent on Keane was worth it although critics of the Spaniard will say that if he spent £7m on Italian Andrea Dossena then Keane is actually worth somewhere in the region of £98,655,000,000,000.

With a delegation that will include Minister for Finance, Brian Lenihan, and Cowen’s personal henchman and bodyguard, Mary Coughlan, the Fianna Fail leader will ‘hit the slots’ to try and win enough money to keep the country running for another 12 months.

Cowen in the red - just like the public finances

A source told the Irish Sentinel “All avenues have been explored and this, after much careful consideration, has turned out to be the best option. We would have invested in Euro Millions but unless there’s a 10 week rollover it’s just not viable.

We have to act now because the public would never forgive us if we sat around waiting for that rollover to happen. What if it got to 9 weeks and then some old bastard from Switzerland won it? We’d be accused of all kinds of inaction”.

Cowen, a ‘lethal’ poker player, according to friends, is likely to focus primarily on the blackjack and roulette games. Senior officials in the Department of Finance have outlined the strategy he’ll take. “He’s going to bet on red the whole time. So if he puts €2,000,000 and loses he’ll just put €4,000,000 down the next time. And if that loses he’ll put down €8,000,000. We’ve looked for a flaw in this plan but we just can’t see it. As long as he doubles whatever he loses on the next bet then he’ll be even at worst. How could it go wrong?”

Minister Lenihan meanwhile has undergone an intensive card counting course which includes watching the film 21 over and over again to see how to win big at the blackjack table.

His father, Brian Lenihan Sr, won a new liver in a game of pontoon with former Taoiseach Charles Haughey in 1987. Unbenknownst to him though Haughey used his connections in the medical world and surgeons in the Blackrock Clinic used a manatee’s liver in the transplant operation. Lenihan died soon afterwards.

Speaking last night Mr Cowen admitted his methods were unconventional but said “Let’s hope I can use the red to get the country back in the black, and that Lenno doesn’t go bust!”

Nobody laughed.

However, folk who have suffered throughout 2008 and are hoping the new one will be better will be dismayed by reports from New Zealand which claim 2009 is the worst year since records began.  Helplines are being bombarded by phone calls from members of public who say they’re sick of the new year already.

Auckland experiencing the hell of 2009 already

“I called because I had a really crappy 2008″, said Ambrose Finn (45), a resident of Auckland. “I was really praying that 2009 would be better but I can state without any hesitation that this year is already worse. At midnight I puckered up for a kiss under the mistletoe with my wife but instead of my wife someone put a possum in its place. Which wasn’t so bad but it bit my tongue.

After that I went to the bar, was shortchanged and my gin and tonic was made with Bombay Sapphire and not Tanqueray like I’d asked. On the way home I got caught at every red light and then when we came into the house the cat had been sick on the sofa.

I can’t believe how bad it’s been already. What’s next? Am I going to get up in the morning and only be able to find one of my slippers? Will the milk have gone off? Frankly, I wouldn’t be surprised if both of those things happened. My advice to people is stay in 2008 as long as you can. 2009 is worse than having to spend an evening talking about the environment with that baldy bloke from Midnight Oil”.

Preparations for Ireland’s festivities are well underway with Taoiseach Brian Cowen holding a star-studded party in Ned’s of Townsend Street. When asked if he had any New Year resolutions he said “Are you joking? I’m the boss man, I can do what the fuck I want, you fuckers”.

The missile bombardment, described as ‘retaliatory’ by Israel’s foreign minister Yitzak Kilarab, came in response to a Palestinian attack on a Jewish family’s house in Lennox Street, Dublin 8.

Seinfeld - took time from busy schedule to visit Cohen family at their destroyed home

In the early hours of last night a Palestinian youth threw eggs at the windows and shouted ‘Jews, get out of our land’ before making off as fast as his little legs could carry him. Isaac Cohen, who has lived in the house for 48 years with his wife Matilda, telephoned the Israeli embassy in Dublin who passed on reports of the incident to Tel Aviv.

“If they continue to threaten our borders, wherever they may lie”, said Kilarab, “then we will respond with force. We will not let our people be terrorised”.

312 people were killed in the retaliatory attack which blew up schools, hospitals, kindergartens, a puppy sanctuary and a local theatre in which a group of orphans were performing a new year’s ‘play of kindness’.

Minister for Foreign Affairs, Micheál Martin, said “I suppose you could say the response from Israel was slightly disproportionate. A few eggs being thrown at a house is hardly justification for the slaughter of hundreds of men, women and children, but you know, this is Israel. As long as the US keeps funding and condoning its terrorism it doesn’t matter what anyone says”.

Hamas leaders have promised revenge and have threatened the lives of some of the world’s leading Jews, including Scarlett Johansson, Corey Feldman and recent convert Mel Gibson.

Meanwhile, the Cohen family are being comforted by friends, family and Jerry Seinfeld.

Santa "went fuckin mental", say sources

Reports suggest that he travelled from the North Pole last night and checked into the Priory clinic in what onlookers described as a ‘tired and emotional’ state.

Santa’s PR agent, Max Clifford, told the Irish Sentinel “Obviously it’s a blow for this to happen at this particular time of the year but we would ask people to respect Santa’s privacy. He just needs to get well.

There’s a huge amount of pressure on him. You hear people talk about how he only has to work one day of the year but that’s over-simplifying things. Remember, he’s got to spend the rest of the year observing kids all over the planet to find out who’s been naughty and who’s been nice. That’s a monstrous job and while some of the work has been outsourced to India he has to do most of it himself.

This year it all became too much for him and he had a breakdown yesterday evening. He was then moved to the Priory where he’ll stay until such time as he is fully recovered”.

Lapland police have refused to comment on reports that he battered 14 elves to death before shooting Rudolf in the head. Large quantities of amphetamines and a crack pipe were also found in his workshop.

The stockpile of Christmas presents is being dealt with by DHL who say they’ll try and deliver as many as possible but have so far been unable to replicate Santa’s ability to climb down three thousand, five hundred and ninety-seven chimneys every second.

He claimed he came home from the supermarket to find his wife being attacked by a one-armed man. He told Gardai he tripped the man up, struggled with him, but was unable to prevent him from fleeing the scene. However, after forensic examination of the victim it emerged that McGlynn was the one who had beaten his wife Mary to death with a leg from a garden chair.

His hair and skin were found under her fingernails and bruising consistent with the injuries inflicted on Mrs McGlynn were found on his arms and knuckles. He later confessed to the crime but told officers that he and his wife had been going through a ‘bad patch’ and had been ‘rowing constantly’. He said he was unable to take any more and decided that the best course of action was to kill her. He had thought about poisoning her but a good old fashioned bludgeoning seemed the easiest option.

When asked why he didn’t just divorce her he said ‘Shit, I never thought of that’.

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Kathryn Thomas - the queen of Carlow

The stars of In Bruges Brendan Gleeson and Colin Farrell are set to star in a follow-up to the hit movie. In Portumna will see them reprise their roles as hitmen at the 25th anniversary of the Boy Scout Jamboree. Farrell will fall in love with In Tua Nua singer Leslie Dowdall only to discover he’s being paid to kill and eviscerate her. A fun rom-com for all the family.

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British Prime Minister Gordon Brown has conceded that invading India would be a good way to increase the price of Sterling. “You can trace this current financial meltdown back to when the Empire began to shrink”, he said. Opponents of the scheme, who include Phil Collins and cricketer Sachin Tendulkar, have called on Brown to rethink.

“If this goes ahead”, said Tendulkar, “we will withdraw all of our franchised restaurants and takeaways from the UK. Then we’ll see who’s got the power”.

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There’s a bake sale taking place in Our Lady of the Immaculate Rectum in Santry this weekend to raise money for the Irish Society of Blind Dolphins. Everyone is welcome apart from tuna fishermen.

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RTE’s Kathryn Thomas has been awarded the freedom of Bagenalstown.

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George W Bush has pleaded for leniency for Iraqi journalist Muntadar al-Zaidi, who threw his shoes at the US President last week. “If it had been one of them there stilton shoes with the pointy heel then sure, lock the guy up for life, but these were flat soled loafers. He was just trying to make a point”

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Finally, union chiefs have advised all Aer Lingus staff to ‘do their utmost’ to prevent a Ryanair takeover the company. “We have looked long and hard at this”, said Stewart Shop of SIPTU, “and finally we have damning evidence. Using the awesome power of the internet we have deduced that an anagram of ‘Michael O’Leary Aer Lingus’ is ‘Hilariously large menace’.

We don’t necessarily find him hilarious but there’s doubting the largeness of his menaceosity”.

Give a give a give a Garmin to your sexually abused friends and family

Justice Minister Dermot Ahern said GPS (Global Positioning System) satellite technology would track offenders for six months after release. Outlining the scheme further a government spokesperson said “We believe this is something that will benefit the public. For a start each GPS device will transmit the sex-pest’s location to a Facebook style website which will give real time updates. For example, it might say:

Dermot Gillespie, kiddie fiddler, is currently enjoying his freedom and a cup of coffee in Bewley’s on Grafton St (second table from the left as you go into the room upstairs) while the kid he touched is in still therapy, can’t sleep and is thinking of commiting suicide.

or

Mike Douglas, rapist, is having a pint in the Ainsley House.

It’ll be great information. Imagine that kid who was fiddled with was thinking about clearing his or her head and going into town for a refreshing beverage. Now they know to avoid Bewley’s. And the lady who was raped by Mike Douglas should go somewhere else for her bottle of Ritz becacuse the Ainsley House would bring back really bad memories for her”.

However, critics have suggested that providing such information will endanger the lives of the criminals as family and friends seek revenge for their atrocious crimes.

“Oh come on”, said Minister Ahern, “do you really think the people of Ireland are that backwards that they would use such technology for evil? Go on out of that. It just wouldn’t happen”.

One prisoner, due to be released from Moutnjoy this week, is afraid though. “I know if I was in their shoes I’d kill me so this is really bad news for me”.

“But you’re only a piece of shit rapist cunt though”, we replied, “why should we care?”

“You’ve got me there”, he said.

He was right. We did.

Technology firm Garmin has won the €24m contract to provide the hardware.

Ronnie McGrew thinks people who do the 12 pubs of Christmas should be shot in the hoop. “What’s wrong with just staying in one pub? Yiz are not perpetual motions machines, are yiz?”, he says.

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