Israeli ambassador Liam Cullinane

The Israeli intelligence service has taken time out of its quarterly Irish passport panhandling exercise to compare notes about character assassination with the former Minister for Defence, Willie O’Dea.

Speaking on behalf of the visiting delegation, Deputy Mossad boss Finbar McGinty said:

“We were impressed with the direct way Mr. O’Dea tackled his mark. He said to the journalist: this man runs a whore house! Why not report on the whore house that this man run! This is like a verbal pillow used to smother a senior Hamas figure in a Dubai hotel, hypothetically speaking.”

Mossad are still under a very blotted microscope following the assassination of a Hamas operative in Dubai. Yesterday the BBC reported on a statement from Israel that said (and this is true):

“Israel’s foreign minister has said the use of false EU passports by a hit squad suspected of killing a leading Hamas official in Dubai did not prove the involvement of the Israeli spy agency, Mossad.”

Leading comedian Dara O’Briain said: “That is just a fucking awesome response. It’s like ‘just because your pet is roadkill and I have 11 cars registered in Europe, five of them Irish and they all have blood on their tyres, doesn’t mean that we ran over your pet, even though these are the only vehicles for 1,000 square miles and your pet and the eleven of us are sworn blood enemies. That doesn’t prove anything!”

Responding to hypothetical questions about the need for 11 assassins, Mossad’s McGinty said:

“Hypothetically speaking, Steven Spielberg is a big swinging dick in the Jewish world and he fancies a follow up to his movie Munich about a cadre of assassins who kill Palestinian militants in the wake of the 1972 Olympics. Hypothetically speaking.”

When queried about his Irish name, the Mossad boss said:

“I cannot answer that question at this time, please direct all further queries to our head of international relations, Daithí O’Mongáin.”

Back in Limerick, Willie O’Dea sought to divert media focus on his resignation with the announcement that his real name is Ely Shizmann and that just because a political opponent had been viciously defamed, and just because that political opponent was an enemy of his, it didn’t mean he had done the defaming, even though he was recorded on tape doing so.

The press were not to be distracted – until Michael O’Leary farted into a press release – and they pursued O’Dea about his co-operation with any Garda investigation into the matter of the alleged brothel. O’Dea said (direct quote):

“Of course I’d co-operate. How far I’d co-operate I don’t know. I’ll certainly co-operate to the best of my ability.”

One onlooker replied:

“What the fuck is that? This isn’t the fucking cub scouts – we’re not talking about a proficiency badge here! Best-of-my-ability me arse!”

At a press conference in Dublin this morning a phalanx of media personalities, actors, musicians and other household names were joined by ordinary people from the street to express their concerns that people no longer have blanket coverage of them being overtly altruistic.

“We feel it’s time nature provided us with another opportunity to show how great we are”, said the lead singer of some band who nobody’s ever really heard of but play quite regularly in Whelan’s and the like. “Only 12 people showed up for our Haiti fundraising gig last night and that can only mean one thing … people are bored of Haiti. I mean, there were only 21 at the one the night before and 25 at the one the night before that”.

Ryan Tubridy larks about in Port au Prince

“It’s true that there’s an air of ‘meh’ about Haiti now”, added Ryan Tubridy whose hilarious Twitter updates from Port au Prince kept a nation entertained for minutes on end. “I don’t think it’s too much to ask for something else now. A medium sized tsunami, a volcano, a cyclone … Jakers, I think we’d even take a bog-standard Limnic eruption at this stage”.

And it’s not just celebrities who are urging the elements to do their stuff, it’s every day people and in particular the online community. Their spokesperson, @rainbowguy_8554 said “We want to do our bit too and show our support for the thousands of people who will tragically and painfully die, not forgetting the even greater number of people whose lives will be shattered forever. We’ve got Facebook groups to set up, Twitter avatars to shade in various opacities of a defined colour and blog posts to write so we can compete with one another to see who cares more. Don’t leave us hangin!”

Meanwhile, reports that a 7.9 earthquake had hit Dublin were greatly exaggerated when it turned out to be Senator Eoghan Harris falling over his own ego.

As shocked and badly wounded Haitians looked on in wonder, buildings reassembled themselves and rose skywards, services such as water and electricity began to work again and even more amazingly thousands of people came back to life. Initially there were some casualties as the superstitious people feared a rising of zombies and set about the resurrected with crude machetes, but soon it became clear that a once in a lifetime event had taken place.

Facebook group defeats nature

Eye-witness Claude D’Arcy-Trent-Terrence told the Irish Sentinel, “It was incredible. One moment I was mourning the loss of my entire family, my home and what meagre possessions I had whilst standing knee deep in rubble and corpses, the next life had returned completely to normal. I thank God for what he has done”.

Yet researchers at MIT have discovered that God played no part in the miraculous goings-on. Close analysis of web trends in the hours leading up to the event left them in doubt that Facebook users were the ones who saved the day. Professor Marlon Prince, head of Teh Internets 2.0, said “We’ve never seen anything like this. It appears that in just under two hours over three and half million people joined the group ‘Save Haiti by joining this Facebook group and you can feel better about yourself without actually having to do anything ‘. Quite how it had the power to reconstruct an entire nation is something we’re unclear about at the moment but the best guess we have is that somehow it roused Superman who flew around the world really really fast to reverse time and having had some practice at this in the past he has honed his skills to the point where he can be region specific. Obviously it’s something we’re going to keep working on though”.

A spokesman for Facebook said “Once again it shows the power of social networking and when it comes right down to it, Facebook is the daddy. Perhaps if the people of Iran had used us instead of getting all those Twitter idiots to change their avatars green then they might have democracy now. USA! USA!”.

President Obama said:

“That’s what’s so fucking cool about cancer – that shit shows up all over the place and BAM! Kim Ding-Dong is prawn toast.”

Kim: Still ronery.

The Association for Idiots Against Tasteless Internet Drivel meeped and whined about how we shouldn’t laugh at someone’s misfortune, but the rest of the meat-eating, leather-wearing world said the cunt deserves it, things can only get better for North Korea and we look forward to seeing some North Korean porn, because there definitely hasn’t been any of that.

Alan Greenspan, former chairman of the US Federal Reserve said:

“North Korea will now be able to avail of international loans and credit to kick-start its economy, but these loans have a price: The liberalisation of markets, the privatisation of state assets – and porn. Porn is to the 21st Century what McDonalds was in the 1900s. America does not go to war with nations that produce porn. Iran – No porn. Afghanistan – No porn. These are the harsh truths that you don’t hear discussed in the UN security council, but if we knew the Taliban insurgency exported babysitter or secretary-themed sex videos, it would solve a lot of problems and save a lot of lives.”

Porn-ification has been touted as the scourge of the current global recession and it could take over from the lofty, disbelievable notion that being green could actually save the world and the economy at the same time. One economics professor said:

“I mean come ON! That’s like saying we’re going to cure hunger with crayons.”

The North Korean Premier hopes to croon his way around any number of meaningless UN resolutions to secure a live performance in the BBC this September with a rendition of the Lionel Richie classic: ‘Herro, is it me youl rooking fol?’

Music industry experts were quick to ask: “All this for an Asian joke about ‘L’s and ‘R’s?” which prompted the response: ‘you betcha, its raff out roud funny’. The US State Department welcomed the move and Hillary Clinton was quick to support the development of an Axis of Soft Rock between North Korea and Iran, when it emerged that Iranian President Ahmadinejad was a big Kings of Leon fan. 

“This sex is on fffiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiire,” hummed President Ahmadinejad, who also claims to be a fan of Prince, Christina Aguillera and Right Said Fred. “Oh yes! I’m… too sexy for this Mosque… too sexy for Israel… too sexy for this Burqha-derka-derka-derka…” 

Another surprise hit with Arab leaders is Northern Irish sex-toy, Eoghan Quigg, as Ahmadinejad explains: 

“I always wanted to go to bed with a 16-year-old boy who vaguely reminds me of Harvey Keitel.. or Martin Scorsese. What’s not to like?? My grandfather would have killed for those eyebrows.”   

Speaking under fear of excommunication, a cleric from inside the Papal residence said: 

“The Pope is hooked on the hit TV series The Wire and with a visit to Baltimore coming ahead of the comedy show, the Pope’s handlers are keen to stop Benedict answering four out of five questions with the reply, ‘mos’ def’”. 

The Vatican’s concerns are backed up by the bookies and Betfair.com has put the Pope saying ‘bless all niggers’ at 4/1 before the start of June 2009. In recent days, the Pope offended a huge number of Aid Agencies, as well as the faculties of science, reason and responsibility when he stated that condom-use in Africa actually ‘aggravates’ the AIDS problem.

Next week, ahead of his bi-weekly ‘I-know-the-holocaust-happened,-sorry-if-it-sounded-otherwise statement, the Pope is expected to bring poverty under the holy catholic hammer of nonsense. 

The new campaign, which follows on from the laughable ‘Make Poverty History’ concert of recent years, will be called ‘Just squeeze your eyes shut and try to believe some dinner into existence’. Admitting that the challenge of global hunger was indeed humbling, the Pope said at least the new initiative had the potential to ‘Make Poverty Quieter’.

 Media analysts explained: “News desks are tired of the same old baton charge / bloodied civilian routine. They want something light-hearted – something that reminds them of John Cleese doing the Ministry of silly walks.”

Cosmopolitan’s Protest Editor Helena Rothchild added: “Shoe-throwing is hot right now. Paris Hilton is paying people to throw shoes at her when she wears fur, just to keep her publicity up – and why not? It’s savvy, it’s cheap and it’s easier than smoking every cock in Gnarles Barkley’s band.”

 One protestor, who agreed with celebrity shoe-throwing, said he would like to throw Peaches Geldof at his problem, because she IS a boot, while PETA nudey protests have dropped right off since the cold snap hit Europe in December. One pharmaceutical spokeswoman said:

“At first it seemed pretty clever to brand public nudity and make it synoymous with a cause, but now that the weather has set in PETA protestors are indirectly responsible for the needless deaths of countless caged animals just by wearing clothes. I would feel pretty guilty about that if I were them.” 

“The other day I saw a fully-clothed protest outside the plant the other day and I just thought, what is this? A car-boot sale? Ill-timed carol singing? Where is the impact? Where is the cut-through? How can these people expect to be taken seriously with their flax clothes on??”

The Chinese PM has meanwhile promised to make an example of this form of protest by stamping out Tibet.

 Attenborough forecasts that a reversal of global warming caused by a new phenomenon known as ‘The Harney Effect’ will see temperatures drop across the globe at an alarming rate.

 ”The world as we know it will cease to exist.”, whispered Attenborough from his lair deep within Mount Etna. “I never in a million years thought one human being could have such an effect on the global climate but by Jove I was wrong. The sheer power of her farts make an atomic bomb seem like a childs fun snap. It’s incredible. Every time she lets one go the sun is driven back as far as 2 miles from the surface of the earth. In relative terms this may not seem like much but with her flatulence problem, we’re in real trouble. She’s caffling at a rate of 60-70 a day, depending on how many footlong meatball subs she’s wolfed down. Think about it, that’s over 100 miles a day, which equates to almost 4000 miles a year. In ten years time we’ll be fucking frozen. The only thing to do is invest in Lowe Alpine, buy a couple of super sers and hope for the best.”

This news came as no surprise to Benny Brown, a strawberry farmer from Ferns, Co. Wexford.

Getting to grips with climate change

 ”My crop has been getting poorer and poorer over the past 5 or 6 years and I couldn’t figure out why. Living in the sunny south east all my life I’ve been use to scolding temperatures of up to 21 degrees celcius in the height of Summer. The last few years have barely seen the mercury rise into the teens. I’m having to grow spuds now and everything. It’s humiliating. Everyone knows that potato farmers are faggots. I’m not a faggot.

Alarm bells really started to ring when I was walking down by Mingeler’s Cross and I saw family of Polar bears feasting on the carcass of a seal”

“It’s a fucking nightmare and no mistake. Even the wife is in me ear moaning about how cold it is at the side of the N11 where she sits for 300 days of the year selling our produce and she’s a moaney auld hag at the best of times. Something needs to be done.”

With many of the world’s superpowers now expressing genuine concern over climate change and pumping billions of dollars into tackling the problem, hope remains that the consequences of The Harney Effect can be nullified before it’s too late.

 Attenborough, however, is not convinced. “I predict hell will freeze over on 30 June, 2021″. Ironically, this happens to be the same date Mary Harney has pencilled in to start on the Atkins diet.

President Barack Obama, the world’s best living human being, recently announced that America would aim for oil independence, thereby reducing the threats posed by its dependence on foreign oil supplied by sometimes hostile regimes. Republican Party Minority Leader, John A. Boehner (real name), said, “No shit. He actually said that”.

This has caused consternation throughout the diplomatic world as leaders and key figures struggle to come to terms with a politician who actually does what he says he’s going to do.

“It’s like the last eight years of the Bush administration have paved the way for this completely unprecedented challenge to an entrenched and dangerously powerful corporate / republican status quo. I mean … they’re going to shoot this guy, I’m telling you that for free”, Boehner continued.

Cheney - would like to teach the world to sing

Critics have been quick to point out that a government that works for the people could never work in reality and that federal funding is nothing but a bizarre and unlikely offshoot of a self-serving, corrupt system that has ensured poverty and destitution for not just a vast underclass of Americans, but many misfortunate nations around the world who remain propped up by 20 or 30 Ivy League inbreeds whose fathers were a big deal in the 1950s.

Former Vice-President Dick Cheney, who will have the now defunct Guantanamo Bay Camp X-Ray lovingly rebuilt in his back garden, said, “Let me assure you that no slithering, evil tentacle of Haliburton will not rest until it has choked the life and hope out of every man woman and child who wakes up today thinking ‘Hey! the world is definitely becoming a better, more positive place!”

At home, Taoiseach Brian Cowen defended his performance since taking power last year, saying, “Don’t give me any jip about ‘just doing the right thing’ like your man over there in America. If that worked, someone would have tried it ages ago. Basketball court me arse.”

Johnny Mulligan, a 41 year old father of eighteen, was shot twenty-seven times in the head in Benalmadena, near Torremolinos on Saturday night. Initially it was thought the crime was related to his previous involvement with a Dublin drug-smuggling gang, or that he had become embroiled with the criminal element in the south of Spain.

However, detectives working the case have been questioning a local man in relation to the incident. A Spanish bar owner, Carlos Arantxa Sánchez Vicario was arrested earlier today and it is believed charges are imminent.

Beer, natural born killer

A close friend of the baker told the Irish Sentinel “I wouldn’t be surprised if he shot him and I wouldn’t blame him either. Every morning this man would come to Carlos’s bar and ask for ‘One beer, please’ and Carlos would say ‘Una cerveza, por favor?’ and he would say ‘Yeah, whatever’. He spoke in English all the time and Carlos just tried to help him learn a few basic Spanish phrases. I mean we are in Spain.

But he would simply refuse to learn and whenever Carlos didn’t understand the English he would simply say it again, slower and louder. Of course louder is going to make all the difference, isn’t it? One day Carlos said to me ‘I swear, one day I will shoot this man twenty-seven times in the head’.

At the time I thought he was just joking but it seems not. And there isn’t a judge in Spain who would convict him. These bastard English speakers coming over here expecting us to learn English. We don’t go to Ireland and expect them to learn Spanish, do we?”

When asked about Mulligan’s children must feel about their father’s death our source replied “My only regret is that Carlos didn’t kill all of them as well. Nits make non-Spanish speaking lice, don’t they?”

This latest killing brings to 14 the number of Irishmen who have perished in Spain since December 2008 although eight of them were crushed to death at the Porta Aventura theme park when a concession stand fell on them.