Hull midfielder Jimmy Bullard has suddenly begun appearing more easy on the eye following the press conference to announce the arrival of new manager, Iain Dowie. Bullard, who has consistently been referred to by the opposite sex as having an ‘excellent personality’, is said to be baffled by the sudden attention he is now getting.

Rocky Dennis and Sloth from the Goonies agree

He told the club’s website, “I was at the new gaffer’s press conference, minding my own business and waiting for an opportunity to do something funny, when these two female journalists started giving me the glad eye.”

“Then, when I took the gaffer out for dinner to show him the local area, the waitress couldn’t keep her eyes off me every time she came to the table.  She was almost glaring at me to be honest.”

“Is this what it’s like to be John Terry or Ashley Cole? Because I’ve got to admit, I kinda like it.”

A Hull City spokesman explained that they had no intention of explaining to their star midfielder the true reason behind his new found popularity among the ladies.

“Look, he thinks it’s because he’s been in an England squad, or because they’ve seen that funny thing he did on Soccer AM – no, not that, the other thing.”

“What could possibly be gained by explaining how much better he looks when he’s stood next to Iain Dowie?”

“Now, can I interest you in one of our new Iain Dowie fridge-magnet appetite suppressants?  One you put it on your fridge you’ll want to eat a lot less, we guarantee it.”

Cheryl slow on the take up

The Chelsea player has been the subject of widespread scorn and mocking as it became clear his union with one of the most beautiful women in the world was over. “Wot a tw@t”, said one poster to Chelsea fan site ‘Dennis Wise’s Taxi Ride’. “Cheryl is fit as fk nd them other bints are right dogs innit!!!!”

Yet the Irish Sentinel can exclusively reveal that Ashley had grown tired of speaking to his wife through an interpreter and was determined to bring things to a head.

“People are putting 2 and 2 together and making 3″, said the source. “Ash might be a little on the slow side but even he can see that Cheryl is about the hottest woman he could ever hope to be with, but beauty is more than skin deep. She’s a nightmare to live with, they barely speak the same language. His London ears and just not accustomed to that Northern drawl and he’s been trying to end things for some time.

He does care for her which is why it was so difficult. He couldn’t just sit her down and tell her face to face. He knew she’d fly off the handle and when someone’s screaming at you in a foreign language it’s quite intimidating.

So he knew he had to go about it a different way. He figured that by sleeping with other women, each one more hideous than the last, she’d realise what was going on. The first girl was a hairdresser who looked like she’d got her face stuck down the back of the couch before undergoing a TracyEminplasty. It was obvious from then but Cheryl never twigged. He had to keep plumbing the depths of the womankind until they got so ugly and so butch that even she couldn’t fail to see it.

Ashley is just looking forward to a quiet life now”.

A spokesperson for Cheryl Cole refused to comment this morning as John Terry issued a press release offering his ‘world renowned comforting service’ in her hour of need.

How Myers might look alongside Dunphy (proportions accurate to within 0.1%)

After Ireland’s defeat to France in the 6 Nations, Myers lambasted out-half Ronan O’Gara saying he was as weak as ‘Kate Moss after a weekend on the gicker’, prompting a furious response from the Munster man. He claimed Myers knew nothing about rugby and was in no position to make judgements.

“When I heard O’Gara say that Myers knew nothing about rugby I knew he was the perfect man for us”, said Nugent yesterday. “If there’s one thing we like here in RTE it’s consistency and since time immemorial we’ve had pundits who, as soon as they open their mouth, make it quite clear they haven’t the first notion about the sport they’re supposed to be commenting on. And I think it’s quite obvious from his appearances on ‘That’s all we have time for’ that Kevin is well suited to panel type shows … even if he does have to have all his ‘jokes’ written down on cards for him because he’s about as funny as infant leukemia”.

Myers himself refused to be drawn but suggested to the Irish Sentinel that he was ‘perfectly informed’ about ‘association football’. “You don’t need to be Einstein to know your way around this game for ruffians, sex pests and borstal boys. I know my Alex Fergunson from my Insane Wenger, my Phil Bruce from my Steve Brown. I know when a player is off the side and when a penalty ball should be allocated. I can tell you the main difference between a four-four-two and a three-six-five, the connection between Wayne Rooney’s brutish countenance and F Scott Fitzgerald’s Gatsby, and why Scimitar Bergkamptov is the best outside right since Alfred Finney.

And if I clash with Dunphy or Giles then it will simply be because they are wrong and I am right. They can accuse me all they like of having no background in the game but I’ve got a first class honours from the University of Kevin Myers. They have graduated from Bolton St VEC of thugball. One does not need to be a carpenter to see when one’s chair is incapable of supporting one”.

Reaction from football fans around the country has been mixed, with one poster on dangerhere.com saying “The one thing I always liked about RTE is that it wasn’t nearly as shit as ITV’s football coverage. Add this eloquent cunt to the panel and I’m gonna let Clive Tyldsley aurally rape me every time”.

Meanwhile RTE denied rumours that George Hook was to be removed from the rugby panel after upsetting Late Late Show host Ryan Tubridy by suggesting he was a Fianna Fail lackey. “There’s no truth to that at all”, said an insider. “Sure how could Ryan get upset by that? Everyone knows he’s up to his bollix with them and without the family connections he’d probably be a continuity announcer on TV3″.

After last night’s 2-1 Champions League defeat by Porto, Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger has declared that he will no longer field lucky competition winners in goal during Europe’s premier club competition.

Lucky supporter Lukasz Fabianski was drawn from a hat shortly before kick-off and left the terraces to take his position in front of the Arsenal back four for last night’s last first leg knock-out match. Unfortunately, Fabianski was at fault for both Porto goals, despite a last minute briefing from the management on the rules of Association Football.

Fabianski searches for his autograph book during the game

After the match, a despondent Wenger told reporters, “We like to keep the fans involved, obviously, but you saw tonight the consequence of having an amateur between the posts.”

“He told us he’d played in goal for his school a couple of times, so we gave him the gloves instead of putting him up front. But frankly, that claim seems quite preposterous when you look at his performance.”

Wenger expressed his regret over his previous backing of the controversial ‘fans in the team’ initiative.

“I will admit to originally being a fan of the ‘Play For Arsenal’ lottery, but I am starting to think we should have played an actual goalkeeper this evening. It’s not just on the pitch that it has caused issues – as I was giving the team talk he went round getting everyone’s autograph.”

“We have to remember, first and foremost we are a global sports brand, and as such we must make significant progress in competitions  such as this one.”

A leading Arsenal fan told us, “I can just imagine the taunting we’re going to get off the Man United fans at work, I’m getting absolutely sick of hearing them sing, ‘Our global brand recognition is bigger than yours’.”

“I like Wenger, but unless he starts putting professional footballers in goal really soon, he’s going to lose the support of the fans – apart from the ones he plays, obviously.”

Bird: I'm kind of a big deal

Speaking about George Lee’s brief political career, Keane said:

“He should turn off his phone. It’s basic manners. Turn off your phone. That’s the third time it has rang!” glowered Keane. “The ball shouldn’t have been in the box in the first place!”

George Lee is delighted with the support and is believed to be in talks with anti-smoking giant Nicorette for a joint advertising venture featuring himself, Keane and Kevin Keegan. Nicorette’s head of marketing Lynn Endrawers said:

“We sell quitting, so what we need are high-profile people who are synonymous with quitting. Quitting smoking is one of the most challenging things a person can do. The message we want to send is that smokers should throw their toys out of the pram and walk away from their commitment to smoking. If you can imagine smoking as a hopeful electorate, or some really passionate national football fans, what we want to do is let those people down. Just leave them hanging.”

The trio of useless, quitting turds are said to be very excited about the project. Keegan, Keane and Lee will cover the Billy Ocean classic, ‘When the going gets tough – just leave abruptly and blame it all on management, even if you are management’. New lyrics are said to include:

“I’ll climb any mountain – provided the deal is right and John Delaney killed in front of me”, and; “I’ll do anything – unless it requires perseverance, endurance, the ability to stick with it or anything that prevents  me from toddling off at the drop of a hat because I’m a big baby and I pooped my pants.”

Meanwhile RTE’s other ace-quitter, Charlie Bird is set to return his battered face to national television following a ‘sabbatical’ in America that culminated in a dreadful autobiographical documentary about male loneliness. Sources say that Bird struggled in a country where people were a different colour and it wasn’t cool to point that out.

Back in Leinster House, the jury is still out on whether the Lee debacle is a black eye or a kick in the nuts for Fine Gael leader Enda Kenny. One party insider said:

“Enda Kenny is the Paul McShane of Irish politics. You admire his commitment, but he’s brainless and every time he steps into the fray you’re just waiting for the howling error to come. It’s absolutely unthinkable that he could lead Ireland.”

Smaller clubs hope to fist their way into Europe

Under the current rules the fourth placed club in the league is automatically entered into the final qualifying round where they face a playoff game over two legs. However, a new proposal from Chief Exective Richard Scudamore would see the remaining 17 clubs battle it out for the final European place in a televised ‘Rock, paper, scissors’ tournament.

The move has been enthusiastically supported by all the clubs outside the ‘big four’ of Arsenal, Chelsea, Man United and Liverpool who have dominated the Champions League places in recent years.

“This is bloody marvelous”, said Alfred Dalrymple, Honorary Life Secretary of Hull City. “It’s about time they clubs like us a chance. Clubs that’d never be in Europe in’t million years. But now that they’ve taken away any need to qualify on merit we could find ourselves welcoming European giants like Real Madrid, Inter Milan or FC Rubin Kazan to’t KC Stadium”.

Fulham manager Roy Hodgson told the Irish Sentinel “I’m weally intewested in seeing how the Pwemier League bwing this into being. Obviously it’s twemendously exciting for clubs that have twaditionally stwuggled to get anywhere near fourth place. Personally I think it’s wight thing to do and we’ll be pwacticising our wock, paper, scissors after twaining evewy day”.

Critics of the idea say it will dilute the tournament even further, pointing out that at least the current system at least rewards consistency over the course of a season. “It’s a fuckin’ stupid idea, aye. Ye cannae turn on the bloody group without seeing the 4th best team in Bollockstan playing some shower o’ Romanian gypsies. If that’s their idea of Champions then I despair”, said one Premier League manager who asked not to be named before going after a BBC reporter with a empty bottle of Glenmorangie.

Meanwhile, UEFA have demanded an investigation into player salaries after they spoke out against Ashley Cole. According to their spokesman “Clearly footballers have more money than sense. This man is married to one of the hottest women on the planet yet sends pictures of his cock to dumpy hairdresssers and secretaries who probably have quims like a wizard’s sleeve. Something has to be done”.

Clubs have previously resisted attempts to introduce a salary cap but Cole’s latest indiscretion may just be the wake up call that football needs.

Keane celebrated his move to Parkhead in typical fashion

Robert “Robbie” Keane, from Tallaght in South Dublin, signed a 6 month deal with the club with the view to a permanent move in the summer. Speaking to the Irish Sentinel this morning Keane explained exactly how the move came about.

“Well, I was up in the Square just blemmin’ around an’ lookin’ at the gear in Champion Sports an’ this fella rang me up and told me Celtic were after goin’ in for me an’ that. So I says “Ask me bleedin’ hoop, Spoony”, coz I thought it was me mate Spoony playing the tricks an’ that, but it turns out it was me agent an’ I didn’t even know I had one.

He says “Robbie, Celtic want ya. They’re offering £100,000 a week and all the training gear you can carry in a holdall”. I didn’t even have to think twice. I went straight home, packed up me xBox, me JayZ CDs and me trainers, and hopped on the first flight to Glasgow. I can’t believe it!”.

A Celtic spokeman said “We believe the signing of this young man will help us catch those dirty protestants in the league. Obviously he’s a fantastic talent and the fact that he already has every Celtic jersey, home and away, for the last 12 seasons made him a hugely attractive proposition for us”.

Keane, a lifelong Celtic fan, like 98% of people who spend their days in betting shops, could make his debut this weekend. Up until now he’s been playing for Tymon Rovers in the Leinster Senior League (Sundays), but Keane and Celtic are confident that he can cope with dropping down a few levels to play in the SPL.

We wish him luck.

Tevez reacted poorly to Neville's latest taunts

Tevez then admitted he could barely speak English despite living England for nearly four years, leading some pundits to claim football was in danger of a pot/kettle overload.

Despite calls for calm from the FA and police, Neville again stoked the fires in an interview with United’s in-house TV Channel, MUTV. He said “Of course a Manchester derby is always a big game and with a place at Wembley at stake this is the most important one for years as City haven’t been this close to a trophy since they did a team bonding tour of the Nou Camp in 2001 and they all had their picture taken in front of the European Cup replica”.

When asked if the game would be extra competitive because of the fallout from the first leg, Neville said, “As the manager keeps telling us, we have to concentrate on our own game and not worry about City. That’s exactly what we’ll do and we won’t be paying any special attention to that hideous monster, although I have to admit I was concerned the game would be moved to after the 9pm watershed in case little children got frightened when he appeared on screen.

I mean, I know I’m no oil painting, or even a charcoal sketch, but he’s a mutant. Give him a head of snakes for hair and Medusa’s own mother wouldn’t be able to tell the difference. God, he sickens me”.

United manager Alex Ferguson has tried to calm things down, saying “Of course Tevez is an ugly bastard who looks a zombie’s abortion but we need to get back to talking about football and not the grotesquely misshapen headed players that City have. I mean, what the fuck is up with Lescott anyway? Is it true his real dad is Commander Worf?”

City’s debonair new manager Roberto Mancini said “Mffff a ppfmm pffff mfppe mmppfff a pfff fpfmmmmhh a mhhhh a mmmmmhhaa” before lowering his scarf and suggesting that no team with Wayne Rooney, Gary Neville and Anderson, clinically proven unable to close his own mouth, could possibly take another to task about having ugly players.

A war of words it may be, but for the neutral fan, we can only hope these words spark scenes of sickening violence on the pitch and, more importantly, on the terraces tomorrow night.

Liverpool have struggled this season, losing and drawing too many games for a team that was tipped to win the title, and with even a Champions League position in the balance it looked as if the Spaniard’s reign at Anfield might be coming to an end. Despite changing tactics, team line-ups, training ground routines and every other available FootbalL Manager trick, such as instructing his players to use ‘Tackling: hard’ and ‘Pressing: always’, results just weren’t getting any better.

Dirk Kuyt got both Liverpool goals

Desperate for three points against one of their closest rivals for a top four spot, Benitez consulted former Liverpool legend Barry Venison who is now a practising Satanist. “When Rafa came to me I knew it was because he had exhausted all other possibilities. I’m a realist. I know people don’t want to ask Satanists for help, what with the whole Satan being prince of evil and that, but there’s Champions League money at stake here. Some things are more important than whether or not your soul burns for all eternity.

I gave him a few tips and one of our handy 64 page introductory booklets which give you some easy to follow rituals. And last night they beat Spurs 2-0. Coincidence? I think not”.

The Irish Sentinel can exclusively reveal that Benitez, assistant manager Sammy Lee and captain Steven Gerrard performed a gory sacrificial rite at Liverpool’s Melwood training complex yesterday morning. The unfortunate victim was Bash Street Kids-headed youngster, Jay Spearing, who was tied down while Benitez cut out his heart with a dagger made from the sharpened femur of Jim Beglin. Lee and Gerrard writhed naked in the blood as Benitez carried out a throaty incantation to the devil.

According to sources close to Benitez justified the slaughter of one of the club’s most promising young midfielders by saying, “We needed a goal, no? Thees ees a fact. I am talking about facts. We can not rely on the referee being perfect, no? Thees ees also a fact”, and carried on talking about facts and perfect referees and 27.000 people for close to an hour.

Tottenham boss Harry Redknapp declined to comment when the Irish Sentinel put the story to him but our reporter claims he reached almost 300 twitches per minute as he scanned the documents. FA rules do not preclude the use of magic, either white or black, leaving Redknapp with no scope for appeal but more time to get his taxes in order.

Ordinary people, who days ago sent their affection and well-wishes in the direction of the deeply unfortunate Tomas O’Leary will, like Peter, find themselves denying their own kind many more than three times as the evening wears on this Saturday. Experts believe this is die to the periodic emergence of a baseless, gaelic-Catalonia, a self-aggrandising ‘nation’ of crimson, ruddy-faced, gurning frauds.

“Let them have their day,” said one Senior Judge from South County Dublin who refused to be identified on his way out of Kiely’s as he got into his jag in Donnybrook after a skin-full of pints in one of the country’s most well-served hubs of public transport. “The Cousin-fuckers need something to shout about, otherwise they might notice that they suffer under the worst gang culture in Europe, not including the UK, France, Germany and all of Eastern Europe.”

Indeed the country’s quiet ghetto-isation in Limerick has encountered something of a problem – an unidentifiable corpse in the rough, if you will – with respect to its policy to ‘grieve nationally’ while doing sweet fuck all about the execution of ordinary civilians. The rest of the country has been quick to not give a fuck about the same issue, in light of the past success of the national philosophy on the Troubles: ‘Have they calmed down yet? No?Has anyone asked if Iceland will take them? No? Well let’s just keep quiet and pretend it’s not happening so’.

This generation-defining movement of inactivity was characterised by a featureless, motionless, invisible and intangible, consensus of ‘I don’t care, it can’t be worth killing someone over’ that galvanised the people of Ireland to buy property and jaager bombs in record numbers over the last two decades.

Meanwhile RTE executives have been stroking each others’ crotches in self-congratulation following the news that Roy Keane will deign to speak on the Irish telly-box this Friday evening with Plank Kenny. Pat has been a bad boy recently, say insiders, so bad in fact that even this forum won’t risk the potential legal ramifications of unsubstantiated reports of something that rhymes with Spar-**** and snow-***. Back in studio however:

“Roy Keane is just electric,” said the Press office in RTE. “He’s a stark warning of how angry Irish people can become if they give up the drink. We’re just hoping he doesn’t have a snot and decide to leave halfway through the interview. There’s every chance that, as soon as he has had a pop at every major sporting figure in Ireland who didn’t quit when the going got tough, he’ll glower at the camera and rip his mic off before storming out in a fit of rage that only dog-walking can quell.”

Irish by birth, Munster by the grace of God. And there, but for the grace of God, go we.