Keith tots up the scores in TV3's new gameshow

TV3 have announced their newest reality TV show – “It’s a Knock-out” featuring Joe Coleman and his painfully retarded sidekick, Keith. The show will involve a series of games such as ‘Who can burn their corneas out quickest by staring at directly at the sun’ and ‘Where’s Mary?’, in which teams will have to study cartoons to find the image of the blessed virgin not knowing she doesn’t appear at all.

Head of progamming at TV3, Martin King, says “It’s deadly!”

****

Ryan Tubridy has denied his ignorance of the internet is ‘just an act’ after he was accused of hacking into NASA’s servers using an Alpha build of Ubuntu and a self-programmed port scanner written in Perl. “I don’t even know what blag or a blog or whatever is. As for Twitter? Never heard of it”, said @ryantubridy.

****

Senator Ronan Mullen will read from his new book of poetry ‘It’s not my fault Jesus hates you because you’re an athiest faggot’ in the National Library at 7pm on Friday. Refreshments and cocktail mini sausages will be served. Admission €5 for non Opus Dei members.

****

Kathryn Thomas has been signed to play Skeletor in a new He-Man movie set to start filming at Ardmore Studios next month. “She’s got that kind of natural scariness we’ve been looking for”, said director Neil Jordan. The role of He-Man has yet to be confirmed but industry sources say it’s down to a straight fight between Ronan Keating and Ivan Yates.

****

Dublin councillor Killian Forde will lift the lid on life inside Sinn Féin in an exclusive interview with Ursula Halligan. In her new series, Undressed with Ursula, she takes Paula Yates tactic of interviewing people in bed to the next level. Forde says he hadn’t intended to reveal as much as he did but the sight of Halligan’s be-quiffed bush unsettled him so much he just kept talking.

Each share provides €1,256 worth of the bad debt of Anglo’s loan book which holders will be required to pay back to the exchequer by the end of October 2010.

****

A new musical to raise awareness of child abuse begins tonight at the Tivoli Theatre. “Stop touching my special area” will star Twink, Mick Lally and Saoirse Ronan and tells the story of a little girl who is being abused by her grandfather and when she tells her grandmother discovers that the old lady is a predatory, incestuous lesbian.

The music for the show has been specially written by Andrea Corr and the lead singer of The Four of Us.

****
Muslims are subjected to more racist abuse than any other group in Ireland, according to a survey by the National Anti-Racism Board.

“We think it’s because they have stupid beards and wear smocks”, said a spokesperson.

****

Gardai fear Ireland’s first serial killer is on the loose after a spate of murders in Limerick. Forty-three people have been killed since last Tuesday and it is feared a disgruntled Dell employee is to blame.

“We’d just like to send a message to whoever’s doing this killings”, said Detective Sergeant Malachy Selby, “and the message is: it’s much easier to kill people in Poland and far more cost effective”.

****

An Eircom official told colleagues they should think of music piracy as ‘sharing’ and “helping the health and good living of rich cocaine sniffing rock stars by leaving them with less free money to spend on sex and drugs, the High Court heard today.

“We need to reach a decision on how we are going to handle this,” the email said. “PS ‘piracy’ is a loaded term. Could we say ‘sharing‘- ‘piracy’ implies there’s something wrong with it.”

Erm…

The only sticking point appears to be the war between Waterford and Tipperary residents over the ‘holy land’ of Carrick-on-Suir. It is believed the blessed virgin Mary appeared to Sean Kelly whilst on a training ride in 1980.

****

RTE’s new satirical show ‘This is Nightlive’ has debuted to mixed reactions from the public. “I thought it was great”, said one man, while another said “It was a bit shit really”.

The spoof news show has been compared to The Day Today and Brass Eye. “That’s like comparing Maser to Banksy”, said one writer to popular message board, bores.ie.

****

A Co Carlow man has been accused of 76 counts of sexual assualt, against a statue. Roy Griffin was repeatedly filmed rubbing up and down against a statue of Wolfe Tone in the Gimpy Arms bar on Tullow Street.

He will appear in court next Tuesday week charged with ‘aggravated frottage’.

****

Ray Shah - pictured during his prison days

Former Republic of Ireland manager Steve Staunton has been appointed manager of Supermacs, main street Drogheda.

“I’m the gaffer”, he repeatedly told unhappy workers and his plans to cut shifts and pay have seen unions threaten strike action.

“I’m sure we can convince everyone what we’re doing is in the best interests of the company”, said Staunton’s assistant Ian Harte.

****

Big Brother contestant Ray Shah has been appointed Head of News at TV3. Station bosses say he’ll bring a new ’spunk and energy to what has become a rather staid part of television’.

“I’ve got all kinds of deadly ideas”, said the Vin Diesel lookalike in the Shelbourne Hotel yesterday. “Wally of the week, Celebrity Spa-off and the Brian Dowling Gayometer will hit your screens shortly. Wicked!”

****

Kathryn Thomas - the queen of Carlow

The stars of In Bruges Brendan Gleeson and Colin Farrell are set to star in a follow-up to the hit movie. In Portumna will see them reprise their roles as hitmen at the 25th anniversary of the Boy Scout Jamboree. Farrell will fall in love with In Tua Nua singer Leslie Dowdall only to discover he’s being paid to kill and eviscerate her. A fun rom-com for all the family.

****

British Prime Minister Gordon Brown has conceded that invading India would be a good way to increase the price of Sterling. “You can trace this current financial meltdown back to when the Empire began to shrink”, he said. Opponents of the scheme, who include Phil Collins and cricketer Sachin Tendulkar, have called on Brown to rethink.

“If this goes ahead”, said Tendulkar, “we will withdraw all of our franchised restaurants and takeaways from the UK. Then we’ll see who’s got the power”.

****

There’s a bake sale taking place in Our Lady of the Immaculate Rectum in Santry this weekend to raise money for the Irish Society of Blind Dolphins. Everyone is welcome apart from tuna fishermen.

****

RTE’s Kathryn Thomas has been awarded the freedom of Bagenalstown.

****

George W Bush has pleaded for leniency for Iraqi journalist Muntadar al-Zaidi, who threw his shoes at the US President last week. “If it had been one of them there stilton shoes with the pointy heel then sure, lock the guy up for life, but these were flat soled loafers. He was just trying to make a point”

****

Finally, union chiefs have advised all Aer Lingus staff to ‘do their utmost’ to prevent a Ryanair takeover the company. “We have looked long and hard at this”, said Stewart Shop of SIPTU, “and finally we have damning evidence. Using the awesome power of the internet we have deduced that an anagram of ‘Michael O’Leary Aer Lingus’ is ‘Hilariously large menace’.

We don’t necessarily find him hilarious but there’s doubting the largeness of his menaceosity”.

****

Irish poultry producers are ‘living in fear’ according to one chicken farmer. “If people think the stuff being fed to pigs and cattle is bad, wait till they find out what shite we give the birds. It’s mostly gravel and pieces of irradiated foam”.

****

Irish Bloggers have come together to produce a book which aims to help the homeless problem in Dublin city. “I’m hoping”, said one of the organisers, “that we can raise enough money to have these people killed once and for all. Lazy fuckers”.

****

Crazy Hansard: "Would you get out of me face. I'm just trying to buy some bin bags."

Riots continued in Greece after a young man was shot dead and government used the furore to rush through a legislative change without opposition. Anal sex has been banned under punishment of prison but Yannis Gianakopolis, who took to the streets in opposition, said “This is the very foundation of Greek society and they have destroyed it. We will not give up until our rights to chocolate mining are restored”.

****

A County Carlow woman was held hostage in her own home last night after the monkey on the box of Coco Pops came alive and ‘went fuckin’ mental’. Gardai were called to the scene with vets from Dublin Zoo but the stand-off continued until specially trained army forces shot the rampant simian dead.

****

Further token arrests have been made in the O’Kane murder case. Gardai spokesman Prionsias McDenny says “We like to give the public the impression that we are doing all we can, so we’re arresting every 13 year old scumbag in a hoodie we can find. We’ll let them all go, of course, as nobody is going to go to jail for this. We’d like to arrest the parents but they’re in the middle of an ongoing state-sponsored methadone program.”

****

Oscar winner Glen Hansard spotted in Blanchardstown shopping center buying bin liners. Could new love be on the horizon?

***

Davina McCall will present another series of UK Big Brother in 2009, though viewing figures are expected to be lower than last year’s total of 31. In other entertainment news, Jim Bowen will begin a new presenter role on T4 in February.

There’s an entrance fee of €5 for which you will receive a salmon sandwich and kitchen towel for wiping. All funds raised will be going to build a new donkey sanctuary and organisers say marshmallows will be handed out for toasting when the bodies are being burned in the giant Miley Byrne shaped wicker man at the finale.

***

Alan Molloy, Dublin

A County Wexford man has been jailed for four years at the Central Criminal Court today in Dublin for impersonating Pat Kenny. Forty-six year old Alan Molloy underwent years of painful plastic surgery to make himself look identical to the Late, Late Show host. On the premise of coming home for his lunch the fake Pat Kenny made love to the real Pat Kenny’s wife on twenty-four separate occasions, resulting in 63 orgasms and a badly stained couch.

Judge Grandmaster Flash called his actions ‘reprehensible’ but understood why he’d done it as Mrs Kenny was a MILF and a half.

***

There were raucous celebrations in Manorhamilton, Co Leitrim, as the town formally announced its twinning with Wasilla, Alaska last night. A symbolic key was sent to the mayor of each town and in a video link up they consumated the union by eviscerating an abortion doctor live on the web before devouring his flesh and guzzling his blood out of stone goblets.

Wasilla is famous for being the town where Sarah Palin cut her political teeth and one local described it as a real honour to be associated with such a godless cunt.

***

Finally, a Kenyan man who made headlines last month after his wedding to a goat has filed for divorce after he discovered his new bride had been having an affair with Billy Bob Thornton. The former husband of Angelina Jolie sent explicit texts, such as ‘Oh im gonna suk the milk right out of ur teats’.

A spokesman for the actor denied the claims but it came too late to save the goat’s life as she was roasted (over a fire) after being hanged in the town hall square.