Mary Coughlan made her feelings clear in the Dail today

Critics suggested that the Taoiseach had deliberately made the issue bewildering so it would be more difficult for any futher corruption to be unconvered, but Coughlan denied that was the case.

“At the moment FÁS is what it is, we all know that. And as long as FÁS is FÁS it will remain FÁS but who is responsible for it? Well, that’s simple. It is currently under the auspices of the people who have a duty of care for it and that will indeed be the case going forward. One might ask if Batt O’Keefe is the man through which all Fás related queries should be made and I can confirm this is the case.

However, to make sure that nobody is left in any doubt about what the next step might be, were there to be a next step, then Eamon O’Cuiv will be taking on board the goings-on at FÁS and will liaise on a regular basis with Batt O’Keefe and myself with regard to the agency’s future endeavours”.

When asked why there were so many chiefs Coughlan replied “Are you really suggesting we don’t need the chiefs? It’s all well and good saying you need more Indians but if Indians are so great then how come they live on reservations and got their arses kicked by European interlopers? Perhaps if the Indians had more chiefs then there’d be more Indians now and in this time of great financial hardship and increasing unemployment I think the one thing we can agree on is that more Indians are exactly what we need … in the long term. For now we have chiefs”.

Coughlan was heckled from the far side of the house by Fine Gael TD Leo Varadkar who said “The deputy is no Jodie Foster. She’s no Alyssa Milano or Drew Barrymore. She’s like the girl from Diff’rent Strokes and we’ll all read her boring articles in the Irish Times after she’s resorted to soft porn and died of a heroin overdose”.

Meanwhile Fianna Fail sources say that Junior Minister Conor Lenihan “threw a mighty strop” after he was overlooked by Brian Cowen. Lenihan had booked the upstairs of the Morgue in Templeogue for a huge celebration party with cuisine to be shipped in from as far abroad as Silvio’s next door.

“He cut a lonely sight stomping the ‘Well done, Conor’ balloons, let me tell you”, laughed the insider until you got that feeling you get when somebody’s putting on a laugh so long it becomes horribly uncomfortable.

However, as Cowen is about a trustworthy as Gary Glitter in a room full of pre-pubscent Asian girls, reports are leaking from Leinster House than an announcement is imminent. The Irish Sentinel’s well placed political sources tell us it is only a matter of time before the retirement age is raised to ‘death’.

Mary Coughlan likely to retain cabinet seat despite reshuffle

“I don’t want to have to work forever”, said Paddy Madigan, as he queued for his half-portion at the carvery of his local. “I’ve worked my hole off for this country and now that blubbery prick wants me to keep going to so he doesn’t have to pay my pension and he can rape me for the tax to pay for NAMA. I’ll smash his fat face in if he tries”.

Away from threats of violence from soon to be not OAPs the cabinet reshuffle is dominating the thoughts of the Taoiseach. Rumours abound that Martin Cullen has asked to be left out of the next cabinet due to health issues although Cowen is reluctant to dimiss Mary Coughlan despite public and political pressure to do so.

“He can’t shaft Mary”, said our insider. “Cowen knows that as long as Coughlan is his right hand man, so to speak, he looks calm, assured, intelligent and decisive. Put somebody with even half a clue about what they’re doing in there and he’s going to look bad. It’s exactly why Mary Harney still has a job. She’s a partyless hack but Cowen just loves how slim she makes him look”.

For the people of Ireland Brian Cowen’s vanity proves ever more costly.

Israeli ambassador Liam Cullinane

The Israeli intelligence service has taken time out of its quarterly Irish passport panhandling exercise to compare notes about character assassination with the former Minister for Defence, Willie O’Dea.

Speaking on behalf of the visiting delegation, Deputy Mossad boss Finbar McGinty said:

“We were impressed with the direct way Mr. O’Dea tackled his mark. He said to the journalist: this man runs a whore house! Why not report on the whore house that this man run! This is like a verbal pillow used to smother a senior Hamas figure in a Dubai hotel, hypothetically speaking.”

Mossad are still under a very blotted microscope following the assassination of a Hamas operative in Dubai. Yesterday the BBC reported on a statement from Israel that said (and this is true):

“Israel’s foreign minister has said the use of false EU passports by a hit squad suspected of killing a leading Hamas official in Dubai did not prove the involvement of the Israeli spy agency, Mossad.”

Leading comedian Dara O’Briain said: “That is just a fucking awesome response. It’s like ‘just because your pet is roadkill and I have 11 cars registered in Europe, five of them Irish and they all have blood on their tyres, doesn’t mean that we ran over your pet, even though these are the only vehicles for 1,000 square miles and your pet and the eleven of us are sworn blood enemies. That doesn’t prove anything!”

Responding to hypothetical questions about the need for 11 assassins, Mossad’s McGinty said:

“Hypothetically speaking, Steven Spielberg is a big swinging dick in the Jewish world and he fancies a follow up to his movie Munich about a cadre of assassins who kill Palestinian militants in the wake of the 1972 Olympics. Hypothetically speaking.”

When queried about his Irish name, the Mossad boss said:

“I cannot answer that question at this time, please direct all further queries to our head of international relations, Daithí O’Mongáin.”

Back in Limerick, Willie O’Dea sought to divert media focus on his resignation with the announcement that his real name is Ely Shizmann and that just because a political opponent had been viciously defamed, and just because that political opponent was an enemy of his, it didn’t mean he had done the defaming, even though he was recorded on tape doing so.

The press were not to be distracted – until Michael O’Leary farted into a press release – and they pursued O’Dea about his co-operation with any Garda investigation into the matter of the alleged brothel. O’Dea said (direct quote):

“Of course I’d co-operate. How far I’d co-operate I don’t know. I’ll certainly co-operate to the best of my ability.”

One onlooker replied:

“What the fuck is that? This isn’t the fucking cub scouts – we’re not talking about a proficiency badge here! Best-of-my-ability me arse!”

Willie O'Dea smiles through the pain

The Limerick TD was clearly emotional as recent events had been ‘very difficult’ for him in the wake of his allegations against Sinn Fein’s Maurice Quinlivan which suggested the councillor was brothel keeper. As he was further challenged as to whether or not he received the information he forgot he mentioned to a journalist but then remembered after he’d made a sworn affidavit from the Gardai, Mr O’Dea could be heard keening softly ‘No more, no more’.

A Fianna Fail insider told the Irish Sentinel that the Minister was ‘in bits’ and called on the opposition and media to ’stop being so unspeakably mean’.

“This persecution of a great man is beyond the pale. Yes, Willie O’Dea is also a victim. A victim in that he was made pay compensation in a defamation case. A victim in that he has been subjected to the kind of questioning in the Dail that no other politician has ever had to face. A victim in that he is being made tell his ludicrous story over and over again? Have they forgotten that he is a Fianna Fail minister or something? Since when was it acceptable to hold a member of this great party accountable to their actions and, less importantly, their words?”

“It’s been tough on Willie. Imagine how hard it must be to sit there and have your wrongdoings exposed in public when they should have just been ignored the way they are for any other member of Fianna Fail. Those pictures of him laughing smugly only hide the heartbreak and anguish he is feeling at this moment in time. He won’t be seen to be affected but on the inside he is crying like John Waters writing about Katy French”.

And the Minister’s future looked ever more uncertain as a Green Party meeting to discuss their support of the government took place. Well placed sources told us that John Gormley and Eamon Ryan got down on their knees to beg for full support of the coalition and their Ministerial salaries while a number of party members, who between them found an ounce of morality, are determined to ‘do the right thing’.

Speaking on his Twitter account, party Chairman Dan Boyle called for Willie O’Dea’s resignation and set up a Facebook group “I’m just testing the waters here but if I were, hypothetically speaking, to go against the party leadership and continue to condemn O’Dea would you still be my friends?”.

As of this afternoon almost tens of people had joined, all the while Willie O’Dea’s moustache is twitching like a geriatric Yosemite Sam as his political career remains uncertain.

Jesus imparts some wisdom to local residents

Councilors and gardaí in Mayo are calling on people to give up bad driving for Lent. Mayo County Council has said that instead of giving up chocolate, beer or hanging around the swimming pool taking surreptitious camera phone photos of pre-pubescent girls in swimsuits, motorists should stop speeding, tail-gating and using phones while driving.

The gardai in Castlebar have backed the call saying that road-users should use Lent as a starting point to change their behaviour for the better. Sergeant Dick Monogram, from Swinford Garda station said “I don’t know why we haven’t thought of this before, tying in obeying the law with obeying the Lord. People over here are scared *shitless* of Jebus. We’ll save lives while the chocoholics, booze jockeys and filthy pederasts can go about their business as normal”.

It would seem the whole community are getting on board, with many pledging to change their wicked ways in favour of nailing a front row seat in the strip club of heaven.

Local slut Sarah O’Toole expressed huge enthusiasm for the scheme. Aged just 16, she made a solemn promise to the lord almighty to “not get the box sawn off me” by every local lothario who so much as beeps the horn of their Vauxhall Calibra at her. Her 7 children will welcome the news.

However, some Mayo residents are unhappy at the council’s suggestion. Mickey Harte, aged 19 from Ballyhaunis, said the religious aspect had scuppered his plans. “I was planning on spending lent driving recklessly, you know. Doing laps of the town, racing knob-ends in Micras, texting my girlfriend at the same time and smoking joints as I burn the rubber of my 95 Nissan Sylvia. How can I do it now though?

I mean, I’ve seen all the safety films and the ads on the telly when the bloke crashes into a garden and lands on a kid playing football and they didn’t make the first bit of difference. All that buck was worried about was his insurance. I could happily ignore road safety advice all day… but you can’t ignore Lent”.

And it seems other counties are looking at Mayo as a new trail-blazer and copying the appeals. Gardai in Dundalk have appealed to shoppers to give up crossing the border for cheaper groceries and carjacking people with samurai swords. Wicklow County Council has urged people not kill their wives with bricks for the duration of Lent while in Dublin there have been calls for gangsters to stop robbing the country blind and abusing power so badly that it affects every strata of society.

So far there has been no response from Dail Eireann. They are currently on holidays for the vampire new year.

: We asked people around the country to tell us what they’re giving up for Lent…

lent

The Fine Gael leader was in pensive mood after today's meeting

Under-pressure Fine Gael leader Enda Kenny today secured the backing of his party after the fall-out from the resignation of high profile TD, George Lee.

Serious questions had been raised about Kenny’s ability to continue as leader but after a meeting at Fine Gael HQ this afternoon senior party members came out in support.

“Enda Kenny is completely adequate to bring this party towards the next election”, said Gay Mitchell, while Michael Ring said “There’s no doubt in anyone’s mind that the current leadership of the party is completely passable”. Others described him as ’satisfactory’, ‘quite good indeed when compared with someone else who would be clearly worse at it than him … like a sleeping tramp’ and ‘averagely fair’. It has received a reasonable response from party members, one of whom told the Irish Sentinel “This is requisitely tolerable, which is as much as Fine Gael needs at this moment in time”.

It’s an important victory for Kenny who would have faced a challenge to his leadership from that beardy bloke, the one with the foreign name who’s always on the radio and looks like he was dropped on his head as a kid and Ireland’s only Jew, Alan Shatter.

Meanwhile, it has emerged that last minute attempts to prevent George Lee from leaving the party included the offer of a front bench seat, more input into the party’s economic strategy and even a last ditch promise of Lucinda Creighton or Olwyn Enright as his concubine. Lee, however, was not for turning and is said to be considering an offer from RTE Light Entertainment to front its new Sunday ethical dilemma show, Abortion or Mong.

Aunt Sally was in agreement with Brian Cowen

The latest live register figures show that almost every single person in Ireland is now unemployed but Taoiseach Brian Cowen said the country was being ‘led in the right direction’. To a cacophony of heckling, whistling and some contemplative swearing from Paul Gogarty, Mr Cowen said “You’re looking at it all wrong. Of course if you take the facts in isolation then they look bad. Hundreds of thousands employed. Violent crime increasing dramatically. Houses being reposssessed. Social decline. All of these things look bad but nobody thinks of the positives.

Sure, more people are unemployed but the rate of people becoming unemployed is slowing by up to 0.0003% per month. That’s progress in anyone’s language and let’s not forget that the more people there are unemployed the more jobs there should be for everyone else. And as for crime, there’s a little thing some of us with a bit of vision like to call ‘the future’. How can we dramatically improve crime figures if they don’t get worse first?”

Cowen was backed by Tánaiste Mary Coughlan who said “Oh aye, whatever Brian said is what I think. He’s a wee charmer, isn’t he?”

Labour leader Eamon Gilmore pulled no punches, saying “This government is so clueless you can put that Ray Foley from Today FM in charge and things would improve. Sure, he might be a sub-par, thinks he’s funny but really isn’t, Chris Moyles copycat but I bet he’d get off his zany arse and do something about the crisis this country is facing”.

Having been pummelled by Gilmore, the Taoiseach then faced Enda Kenny, who had the perfect opportunity to deliver the knock out blow but once against spent so long stammering and trying to add a soupçon of cutting humour to his riposte that everyone had gone home by the time he finished.

Gormley's superior smile wowed assembled hacks despite crude Photoshop reproduction

Speaking to reporters outside the Green Party HQ, a hollowed out tree stump beside Baggot Street bridge, Gormley claimed the introduction of such charges was long overdue with Ireland being the only EU country not to have water metering in place. He also announced a €300m fund to fix defective water mains within the next three years. Reminding people about the Greens achievements in government, such as making lightbulbs and electrical products more expensive and the introduction of a carbon tax which would be used to pay off the national debt rather than provide resources to any kind of environmental project, Gormley then rubbed his chin while unveiling the Blue Steel of political smug looks.

However, the minister’s plans were shot down last night by the people of Dublin who accused him of ‘losing touch with the common man’ and being ‘a thundering bollix of a cunt’. Speaking to the Irish Sentinel, Dave Ryan of Poddle Park in Crumlin said “Charge me for water? What fuckin’ water? Since that bit of snow the pipes around here have been banjaxed. I have to use two bottles of Ballygowan to fill the cistern every time I have a shite and if a shite is costing me that much there’s no chance I’m going to pay for water when they do get it back on. Are they going to refund me every time the ancient pipes spring a leak and we’re having clean ourselves with a scouring pad and some wet wipes we nicked from Eddie Rockets?”

And his neighbour, frail 87 year old Bridget Cullen, said water charges would have a huge impact on her life. “I’m 89, so  I am, and I have to pay for me heatin’ and me messages and me Benson and Hedges and me Jameson which is the only thing which keeps me warm because I can’t afford to pay for me heatin’. Askin’ me to pay for the water is too much an’ anyway them Green lot do be doing nothin’ but screwin’ us if they’re not telling us to fuck off in the Dail in hilarious high pitched comedy voices”.

Experts the world over have described Ireland’s lack of water as ‘worse than retarded’, pointing out that an island nation where it rains 350 days a year having problems supplying water to its citizens is like Australia running out of musclebound, brain-dead barmen to be rude to customers and make shit cocktails in Irish pubs.

Martin Cullen signs book of condolences to himself

Minister Martin Cullen says press intrusion into his life was like being raped. He was brought to Pearse Street Garda station where a female Garda with a rape kit could find no signs of forced sexual intercourse but Cullen has been receiving treatment from specialists at the Mater Private Hospital, while in Tralee over 50 men queued up to shake hands with the assembled press corps.

Colleague Willie O’Dea claimed criticism of the Defence Forces for not helping out during the cold weather crisis was worse than being a resident at Letterfrack and ‘having the hole torn out of you by a Christian Brother’, and Minister for Social and Family affairs Mary Hanafin went on the record to say condemnation of her plans to cut social welfare in the budget was just as bad as being Josef Fritzl’s daughter, being locked away in a basement for 25 years and being forced to bear your own fathers children.

Opposition spokespeople have condemned such comparisons as ‘unbelievably crass’ but Brian Cowen, who says constant press sniping about his poor performance as Taoiseach is akin to ‘what the Jews suffered during World War Two’, hit back before being driven away by concerned staff in his chauffeur driven Mercedes, using photocopies of his enormous salary to distract him from his trauma.

“Who the fuck is she kidding with her stupid face and her crap mullet? She has about as much to do with republicanism as the new Lexus ISS220d.,” said one taxi driver.

With ‘Toodle-Lou’ out of the picture, the role of irksome, gobby Dublin-based fem-bot politician falls to the comically named Lucinda Creighton. Opponents of the FG dung beetle have repeatedly drawn attention her online namesake, a star of many DIY-themed pornography features. One such film, ‘Loose-inda and the incinerator’, sees our girl fight valiantly against a realistic plan for waste management only to be triple-penetrated by three black men, before almost choking to death in a torrent of jism.

Indeed, it’s a tough period for women politicians of every hue and it now seems certain that Minister for saying ‘fuck’ too much, Mary Coughlan, will be moved away from the rather important role of finding jobs for the country and right into the Department of Justice. When questioned on how appropriate it might be to have a Minister from Donegal in Justice in light of the Morris Tribunal, Coughlan said:

“Lick the f*****g c** out of my juicy f*****g f***hole you dirty f*****g a**eater!”

Nevertheless, media remained focused on the Tánaiste’s low profile as Fine Gael made huge grounds in the local elections. But experts say it remains to be seen whether a generation of new political hopefuls have shot their load too early by plumping for the blue-shirts during Fianna Fáil’s darkest hour. One political analyst explains:

“The essential difference between Fianna Fáil and Fine Gael is principles – Fine Gael have them and Fianna Fáil don’t. What voters conveniently forget is that a democracy gives you the politicians you deserve and previous elections clearly show us that principles are a burden at the ballot. This is why Fine Gael never get elected – they refuse to swallow their fairly crap principles and they can’t compete with Fianna Fáil, the party most likely to respond to the question ‘what is you name’ with the answer ‘what do you want it to be?”

“We had Bertie and the PDs and then Bertie the Socialist, all delivered without a hint of irony. This is possible because the national electorate is largely made up of queue-skipping, back-handed, scratch-my-back, selfish, cheating Irish people who see the application of rules as a direct affront to their ‘unconquerable’ charm. And then we all wonder where the support for Fianna Fáil comes from.”

“When the current downturn passes, a lot of rookie political blood will be spilt as the nation adopts its more comfortable position of ‘fuck the greater good, what can you do for ME?’ and we can expect Fianna Fáil to claw back a lot of ground in that environment.”