21st century attention seeking.

Let’s have a round of applause, and a cinder block on the fingers, for Alecia Keys, who came up with the idea of raising money for charity by asking you to pay to see celebrity tweets and Facebook updates. On the face of it, this sounds like real progress – less Lady Gaga, more money for a good cause – indeed you could almost be fooled into thinking that social media has finally delivered some genuine value to the world, but then the truth comes out: Gaga will only deign to address her 30+ million online followers again AFTER they raise over €1m for charity.

The only thing more depressing than this innovative approach to fundraising is the likelihood, whether by novelty or loyalty, that it will work. People – strange, confused, lonely, young people – may be all too willing to donate money, so that a woman who wears a phone on her head will update her Facebook and Twitter again.

Cyber-sociologists say:

“The creation of social networks has brought millions of us closer together so that we can all have a good look at how lonely and needy we really are. User-neediness is quantified in terms of updates, friendships, followers and tweets and is then reinforced with a crude but effective numerical system. The more friends and followers you have, the better you are. The more comments you have on your update, or tweet, the better that comment is. At the heart of this dangerously flawed system is the premise that asserts your personal worth and self-esteem can only be measured in terms of other people.”

Please hastily post your own responses to this story, thereby legitimizing this reporter’s deep insight and rare understanding of human behaviour on the internet.

In real news, the legendary Leslie Nielsen has gone to the great comic in the sky.

Nice beaver.

Nielsen died at home following a conversation with his wife, during which he outlined his need of a hospital. A hospital? His wife said, what is it? It’s a large building for sick people, but that’s not important right now…

Sadly, it was important right now.

Rosanna Davison, son of nanny shagging crooner Chris de Burgh, and Glenda Gilson, of no esteemed parentage whatsoever, will battle it out in a caged arena at Dublin’s O2. The pair have been at loggerheads since one of them went off somewhere with the other one’s elderly property developer and extremely wealthy man friend.

Rosanna Davison practices her menacing stare

The drama has been built up by the Irish Independent in a series of increasly mawkish articles in which both ladies weep as they are being interviewed, trying to elicit sympathy from the general public who seem blind to the fact the whole thing is a ridiculous publicity stunt to keep two vapid, Z-list celebrities in the limelight.

Head of Sport at TV3, Ashley Grimes, told the Irish Sentinel this morning that they were expecting record viewing figures. “This might seem like something spur of the moment but we’ve done our research. Polls show that 87% of people would enjoy seeing Rosanna having her head caved in by a spiked mace while nearly 98% of people had no idea who Brenda Gilson was but would quite happily watch her being eviscerated by a razor sharp cutlass or have her legs blown off by a blunderbuss.

So, that’s what we’ll do. A selection of medieval weapons will be available to each combatant and the last girl standing wins the prize of a cover shoot for U Magazine, a post dedicated to them on Showbiz Ireland and a complimentary bottle of the finest Aspi Spumanti from Krystle Nightclub”.

Already bookies are making Gilson the clear favourite, suggesting her extra wide shoulders will inflict more damage on her opponent but insiders suggest Davison’s patented eyebrow waggle followed by a crunching headbutt move could make the difference.

The show begins at 10.30pm on Saturday night, hosted by Martin King and DJ Spiral, with an undercard of Nell McCafferty vs Tom Dunne’s Producer and Andrea Roche vs a mirror.

Jesus imparts some wisdom to local residents

Councilors and gardaí in Mayo are calling on people to give up bad driving for Lent. Mayo County Council has said that instead of giving up chocolate, beer or hanging around the swimming pool taking surreptitious camera phone photos of pre-pubescent girls in swimsuits, motorists should stop speeding, tail-gating and using phones while driving.

The gardai in Castlebar have backed the call saying that road-users should use Lent as a starting point to change their behaviour for the better. Sergeant Dick Monogram, from Swinford Garda station said “I don’t know why we haven’t thought of this before, tying in obeying the law with obeying the Lord. People over here are scared *shitless* of Jebus. We’ll save lives while the chocoholics, booze jockeys and filthy pederasts can go about their business as normal”.

It would seem the whole community are getting on board, with many pledging to change their wicked ways in favour of nailing a front row seat in the strip club of heaven.

Local slut Sarah O’Toole expressed huge enthusiasm for the scheme. Aged just 16, she made a solemn promise to the lord almighty to “not get the box sawn off me” by every local lothario who so much as beeps the horn of their Vauxhall Calibra at her. Her 7 children will welcome the news.

However, some Mayo residents are unhappy at the council’s suggestion. Mickey Harte, aged 19 from Ballyhaunis, said the religious aspect had scuppered his plans. “I was planning on spending lent driving recklessly, you know. Doing laps of the town, racing knob-ends in Micras, texting my girlfriend at the same time and smoking joints as I burn the rubber of my 95 Nissan Sylvia. How can I do it now though?

I mean, I’ve seen all the safety films and the ads on the telly when the bloke crashes into a garden and lands on a kid playing football and they didn’t make the first bit of difference. All that buck was worried about was his insurance. I could happily ignore road safety advice all day… but you can’t ignore Lent”.

And it seems other counties are looking at Mayo as a new trail-blazer and copying the appeals. Gardai in Dundalk have appealed to shoppers to give up crossing the border for cheaper groceries and carjacking people with samurai swords. Wicklow County Council has urged people not kill their wives with bricks for the duration of Lent while in Dublin there have been calls for gangsters to stop robbing the country blind and abusing power so badly that it affects every strata of society.

So far there has been no response from Dail Eireann. They are currently on holidays for the vampire new year.

: We asked people around the country to tell us what they’re giving up for Lent…

lent

“April Fools is the one day of the year when the Gods can walk amongst men. No matter what manner of miracles are wrought, humanity resolutely refuses to believe these incredible events are anything but a hoax. This helps the deities-that-be to really blow off a lot steam with some flamboyant displays of power.”

God himself though – GOD, God, if you will – is something of a a practical joker. Sources say that last year he turned South America upside-down for the day and one angel was happy to give an insight into the Almighty.

“God is a scream. It’s like – last October Zeus had a fancy dress party and God came as, get this, a Golden Calf! I mean you gotta love this guy. But all the central figures of the monotheistic faiths are pretty cool. Yahweh came as a Yeti – he spent the whole night saying ‘well no-one ever saw a Yeti, right? Right?’ and the year before he didn’t even show up but he still got half the party to pretend that he had just left the room when anyone asked where he was.”

But not everyone in paradise is happy with the festivities and there have been murmurings that God is setting a bad example for his only son our Lord, Jesus Christ. God’s only son has been keeping a low profile for the past couple of thousand years since it emerged that perhaps his resurrection was less miraculous than the bible’s version of events. 

A source, speaking on condition of anonymity, said: 

“Resurrection my ass – Jesus and his buddies got tanked at a cider party in the garden of Gethsemany and three days later he wakes up in a cave. We all had those kind of nights, but only Jesus claims he rose from the dead.”

The royal family of heaven refused to comment on the matter, but the rumours are that the divine drinks cabinet has been under lock and key since the ‘Old Testament-Gate’ scandal.

Leixlip man, Ciaran Gallooogaly, turned himself in to Gardai at Harcourt St in the early hours of 6^th June 2008. The 26 year old bank official was in a visibly dishevelled state and wore no pants whatsoever. He went on to explain how his alter ego, Ciaran O-Man, had dragged him down an alley after plying him with Double Vodka and Red Bulls all night in local hostelry, CopperFaceJacks. Apparently ‘Mr.O-Man’ forced him to “masturbate furiously” and wipe the discharge, which was considerable in volume, all over his own hair and face.

A colleague of the disturbed victim/perpetrator wasn’t at all surprised upon hearing the news. “He’s always been a bit of a mentaller. He’d come in most mornings looking like the inside of a garbage truck. He smelled like a fuckin’ sewer too., the dirty bastard. People used to just humour him, give him menial jobs to do. He was a harmless enough fella though, to be fair. Having said that, there was incident a year or so back when someone kept shitting on the floor of the handicap toilet. Everyone knew it was him but when asked about it he would always blame some non-existent character he called O-Man, or some shite like that. WE all just thought it was funny, except for Roxy, the cleaning lady, she didn’t find it funny at all. She’s Lithuanian though, so fuck her!  ”

Detective Sergeant Jim Cop was on duty when Gallooogaly entered Harcourt St station that night. “The schmell was pure rotten”, remarked the Castlebar native. “He was pure schteamed and there was a load of willy goo in his hair. I didn’t know what to be doin’ at all at all. I managed to calm him down by punching him repeatedly in the face until he was unconscious.”

In Court, the defendant, who was representing himself pleaded not-guilty to raping himself and laid the blame squarely at the feet of his alternate personality, Mr O-man. Judge John Brophy, when passing verdict, said that Gallooogaly was a danger to himself and also to himself and should serve a minimum of 3 years, dependant on completion of a course in “not wanking in public for dummies”. 

As he was taken away Gallooogaly was heard screaming “YOU CAN’T LOCK ME UP WITH THIS CUNT! HE’LL JIZZ IN ME FACE AGAIN!!”

The news comes on foot of a crisis in the Britain that has emerged in recent times, which has seen the stock of the average English lass plummet through the floor.

Amy Whinehouse - the best selling badger in history

Salman Rushdie said, “Once names like Liz Hurley and Kate Beckinsale were synonymous with classy, reserved ladies who purred with sexual energy, but the last year or two has seen an explosion of utterly rubbish birds, while once promising youngsters have aged poorly. Lily Allen is a brainless skank, all of the Sugarbabes are hideous, Denise Van Outen looks less Gwen Stefani and more Hulk Hogan and the Cat Deeley / Dani Behr collective look like Mick McCarthy.”

“If it wasn’t for Cheryl Cole, there would be zero reasons for having an erection on the British mainland,” Rushdie finished.

Accusations of brute-ugliness have unsurprisingly been levelled at Amy Winehouse but those close to singer claim that she is not a frightening looking woman, but rather a very, very attractive badger.

“It is possible for someone to have so much TB that they become more badger than human. That’s what happened with Amy, and her badger fan-base has led to the recent surge in record sales at HMV,” a friend said.

All the same three out of five men surveyed said they would rather have a relationship with the map of Africa in the armpit of their blue shirt than with Amy Winehouse, who recently frightened the stiffness out of a hypodermic needle.

Jade pictured in better days

A spokesman for cancer said: “Of course she’s going to lose her battle against cancer. No one beats cancer. The US army and Diego Maradona don’t beat cancer. Jade Goody is toast. On the plus side though you have to give cancer a bit of credit here – it’s turned an appalling, self-promoting, ignoramus into the new Diana. Truly Jade will be the Queen of Hearts now.”

Goody herself was all too willing to comment on her plight, but this reporter felt that she has said quite enough already, and chose instead to make light of her imminent demise. Jade will eventually be best forgotten about, but while her star fades, she will be best remembered for incensing the nation of India with a few choice vindaloo-inspired words.

Ex-S-Club 7 star and close friend Jo O’Meara said: “It’s terrible what’s happening to Jade, innit? I plan to release a song about our friendship called ‘You, Me and too much KFC’.”

In other vacuous celebrity news, a great number of people you wouldn’t know from Adam – and could give less of a shit about – all got together to pat themselves on the back at the Irish Film and Television Awards last Saturday. The gala-event was entirely un-gala-like as a series of squat munters waddled up the red carpet lathered in an ocean of orange make-up.

By far the most interesting detail to emerge from this celebration of rank mediocrity was the news that Jonathon Rhys Meyers didn’t show up because he had to attend a special fitting for a new range of Jimmy Choo Uggs.

It had long been thought that intrepid photographer, Peter Parker, was the man behind the mask but in a hastily arranged press conference today Ingle admitted she had been the web-slinging vigilante all along.

Her confession came after a photograph appeared in the Sunday World which showed Spiderman with swollen and misshapen bosoms. At first there was speculation that the superhero was undergoing hormone treatment as part of a sex-change procedure but that was quickly ruled out when photographic experts analysed the picture in more detail.

Spiderman has had his knockers down the years, but none like these

They identified a yellow substance around the mouth as crumbs of Battenberg, Ingle’s favourite cake. With the threat of public exposure imminent Ingle herself faced the media.

Speaking from the Gateaux factory in Finglas she said “I’m sorry to have misled people all this time, but I just felt the interests of the world were better served if people didn’t know my true identity.

It was better if they thought it was Peter, who has done a sterling job down the years and I thank him for that. I’d also like to thank all those members of the public who have been so supportive and such a great help as I have battled the likes of the Green Goblin, Mephisto and Ryan Tubridy, all the while producing top quality content for the Irish Times every Saturday in my ‘make you laugh, make you cry’ column.

I’d also like to apologise to the man whose 09 Audi I crushed when I lost hold of my web swinging down Dawson Street the other week. My bad!

For now I think it’s time I hung up my spider mask, my incredibly strong web, and sat down with the boyfriend to discuss the future. He wasn’t too happy with me doing spider-stuff at the moment anyway. He was concerned that one of the twins might flop out as I swooped off Liberty Hall in pursuit of a baddie”.

Ingle’s exposure and the retirement of Spiderman leaves a gap in the market for a new hero to protect the public from villains whose evil plots are always far too elaborate to possibly work out. However, rumours that Liam Ó Maonlaí is to make a return to public life as ‘Looks like he has forty kinds of lice-man’ have been confirmed as untrue.

The otherwise sleepy suburb has been on high alert since the first incident took place just two weeks ago. A middle-aged man was making his way to the village through the alleyway that exits at the Allied Irish Bank when all of a sudden a smoke bomb went off and he was viciously assaulted by two ninjas carrying traditional kamas, weapons similar to scythes. The Ninjas were disguised as sheepskin coat wearing bankers to avoid detection. The man underwent surgery in Tallaght hospital but doctors say he will be scarred, both mentally and physically, for the rest of his life.

Ninjas 'Worse than people from Knockylon', say Templeogue residents

There have been other high-profile incidents too. A mother and her four children had their BMW SUV attacked by the black pyjamaed assailants outside Templeogue tennis club while staff at the barber’s shop were set upon at closing time, had their faces ninja-ed in and all their money taken.

Life in the village is becoming insufferable with residents afraid to leave their homes and local businesses are suffering. “We need help”, said Rumpole Stoutmaster, owner of the village pub ‘The Morgue’. “Business is down 90% because of these little yellow bastards and this is a vital time of the year. The festive period is especially important because of the recession and what have you. If people can’t get to the pub then we’re going to have to let staff go and as we all know that brings about a cycle of unemployment, drug abuse, wife beating and sexual molestation of children.

We have asked the Gardai for help but they simply tell us there’s nothing they can do to prevent attacks by such well trained martial artists. “There’s nothing in the handbook to tell us how to cope with Ninjas”, they told me. Can you believe it? And the army? They’re rubbish. A couple of FCA lads came up from the barracks in Rathmines and within minutes the Ninjas had taken them around the back of Hollingsworth’s bike shop and made shite of them. We’re at our wits end”.

There looks to be no end in sight. An offer of help from the US ambassador’s office was turned down with residents accepting the fact that Japanese didn’t much like nuclear weapons but felt the destruction of the entire area was too big a price to pay.

In the meantime Gardai are advising people to only go out in daylight hours and if they must venture into the night to bring some kind of cutlass with them. “Aim for the eyes. They don’t like being cutlassed in the eyes”, said Sergeant Private Ryan of Terenure Garda station.

For residents of Templeogue though this promises to be a black Christmas.

Anne Doyle gives vintners the thumbs-up

The gloomy economic outlook, rising unemployment, and more people opting to drink at home has put pressure on the industry to get revellers back in to bars. The Licenced Vintners Federation (LVF) and the Vintners Federation of Ireland (VFI) claim that over 5,000 bars in Ireland will honour the deal.

Speaking to the Irish Sentinel, Gordon Lightbody, Chairman of the LVF said “It’s about time somebody stood up to those nasty brewers and the Vintners are the ones to do it. We need to move with the times and we need to show our loyal customers that we can provide them value for money.

So now when you go to a bar and ask for a pint of tap water with Blackcurrant cordial it’ll cost you the same €2.50 in a year’s time as it does now. A bottle of Stella that you can get for less than a euro in the off-licence will be €5.50 next December and it’s €5.50 now. A tiny measure of gin and a splash of tonic that costs the publican less than €1.50 but is sold for upwards of €7 depending on which bar won’t change in price one little bit. And when you’re in a late bar and the price of the pint goes up after 11pm then up again after midnight you can rest assured the prices will only go up by the same amount for the next 12 months.

I think people will recognise that we’re doing our bit for them and they need to do their bit for us by coming into town earlier and not drinking at home, the ungrateful bastards”.

But Arthur Smith of the rival Irish Vintners Alliance has called the measure a ‘PR exercise that only the biggest fools will fall for’. He said “Pubs have been ripping off people for years. Why would they change their ways now? I can tell you members of the IVA will not be taking part in this sham and we urge people to drink in our pubs because at least we’re not trying to insult anyone’s intelligence. A full list of them can be found on our website www.irishvintnersalliance.ie/pubs/prices/emptywallet/suckers”.

It’s good news for barmen though as their frequent complaints about being confused by constant price changes can now be properly ignored.