Literally hundreds of people are expected to have to stay on the M50 and exit at the N7 and divert from Newland’s Cross. Drivers who endure this horror are invited to a BYOB barbecue at the Mullingar home of Ryanair boss, Michael O’Leary. Beer and wine will be levied at 2,000-3,000% of cost price.

O’Leary made the invitation following a meeting with Department of Transport officials which he described as, ‘calm, measured and very useful’.

“We quickly solved the issues and got onto talking about where our kids are in school and what the impact would be of the Connacht match last night on Leinster’s Heineken Cup ambitions.”

O'Leary has revolutionised customer relationship management

O’Leary came under fire this week for wearing a shirt and tie for his appearance on Sky News last Monday. Media commentators were outraged that the kingpin of ‘fuck you’ flying had dolled himself up for the Brits, when his MO for the Irish media has been a big red jacket, polo shirt and stubble

There is also surprise at the level of public support for O’Leary’s decision to ignore the law and screw travellers for compensation over the furore surrounding the other volcano. Apparently there are a great number of people out there who WOULD piss on O’Leary if he was burning.

Mary Coughlan made her feelings clear in the Dail today

Critics suggested that the Taoiseach had deliberately made the issue bewildering so it would be more difficult for any futher corruption to be unconvered, but Coughlan denied that was the case.

“At the moment FÁS is what it is, we all know that. And as long as FÁS is FÁS it will remain FÁS but who is responsible for it? Well, that’s simple. It is currently under the auspices of the people who have a duty of care for it and that will indeed be the case going forward. One might ask if Batt O’Keefe is the man through which all Fás related queries should be made and I can confirm this is the case.

However, to make sure that nobody is left in any doubt about what the next step might be, were there to be a next step, then Eamon O’Cuiv will be taking on board the goings-on at FÁS and will liaise on a regular basis with Batt O’Keefe and myself with regard to the agency’s future endeavours”.

When asked why there were so many chiefs Coughlan replied “Are you really suggesting we don’t need the chiefs? It’s all well and good saying you need more Indians but if Indians are so great then how come they live on reservations and got their arses kicked by European interlopers? Perhaps if the Indians had more chiefs then there’d be more Indians now and in this time of great financial hardship and increasing unemployment I think the one thing we can agree on is that more Indians are exactly what we need … in the long term. For now we have chiefs”.

Coughlan was heckled from the far side of the house by Fine Gael TD Leo Varadkar who said “The deputy is no Jodie Foster. She’s no Alyssa Milano or Drew Barrymore. She’s like the girl from Diff’rent Strokes and we’ll all read her boring articles in the Irish Times after she’s resorted to soft porn and died of a heroin overdose”.

Meanwhile Fianna Fail sources say that Junior Minister Conor Lenihan “threw a mighty strop” after he was overlooked by Brian Cowen. Lenihan had booked the upstairs of the Morgue in Templeogue for a huge celebration party with cuisine to be shipped in from as far abroad as Silvio’s next door.

“He cut a lonely sight stomping the ‘Well done, Conor’ balloons, let me tell you”, laughed the insider until you got that feeling you get when somebody’s putting on a laugh so long it becomes horribly uncomfortable.

As residents took up their cheaply made signs and Farrah slacks to protest at the opening of a new ‘head shop’ in the area, Watters believes the rest of the country should follow their lead.

Next stop - people who chew gum too loudly!

“For too long the people of Ireland have remained silent over matters which would lead to full scale rioting in other countries. It’s about time we set down the yoke of laziness and put aside the cudgels of inaction. These brave people, these historic citizens, have stood up to say enough is enough. They have peacefully and successfully protested outside a shop not one of them ever had any intention of going into.

If that’s not the mark of the true revolutionary then I don’t know what is. Che Guevara lives and breathes and drinks Chilean cabernet in The Yacht”.

As the concerned Clontarf parents send their children off to schools run by the catholic church and read their newspapers full of stories about a broken health service and a vast fraud in the banking system which goes right to the very heart of the government which has bankrupted the entire country, Watters has urged them not to stop.

“They must keep going until everybody does this as a matter of course. There are so many things they could protest about. Those new shops on Grafton Street with the temporary signs out front. How can we allow this kind of crime to be perpetrated on our society? What about the plague of Spanish students that has once again descended on our fair city? Are they to be allowed speak at such high volume all the time and then sit in vast groups … on the ground? On the ground! This is Ireland, not some parched land full of bodegas and donkeys.

And think about what a good Clontarfy protest might do to solve the problem of cars who park in cycle lanes. We either take the bull by the horns and make good this momentum or we resign ourselves to being a nation who simply won’t address the important issues”.

A spokesperson for the Clontarf residents, Emma Constance-Cox, issued a statement last night saying they were very pleased with the reaction to their protest and promised they would not stop until a legitimate business was forced to close and people were put on the dole, adding that a coffee and bridge morning to raise funds for new placards would be held on March 30th at 11.30am in her 7 bedroomed estate.

Rosanna Davison, son of nanny shagging crooner Chris de Burgh, and Glenda Gilson, of no esteemed parentage whatsoever, will battle it out in a caged arena at Dublin’s O2. The pair have been at loggerheads since one of them went off somewhere with the other one’s elderly property developer and extremely wealthy man friend.

Rosanna Davison practices her menacing stare

The drama has been built up by the Irish Independent in a series of increasly mawkish articles in which both ladies weep as they are being interviewed, trying to elicit sympathy from the general public who seem blind to the fact the whole thing is a ridiculous publicity stunt to keep two vapid, Z-list celebrities in the limelight.

Head of Sport at TV3, Ashley Grimes, told the Irish Sentinel this morning that they were expecting record viewing figures. “This might seem like something spur of the moment but we’ve done our research. Polls show that 87% of people would enjoy seeing Rosanna having her head caved in by a spiked mace while nearly 98% of people had no idea who Brenda Gilson was but would quite happily watch her being eviscerated by a razor sharp cutlass or have her legs blown off by a blunderbuss.

So, that’s what we’ll do. A selection of medieval weapons will be available to each combatant and the last girl standing wins the prize of a cover shoot for U Magazine, a post dedicated to them on Showbiz Ireland and a complimentary bottle of the finest Aspi Spumanti from Krystle Nightclub”.

Already bookies are making Gilson the clear favourite, suggesting her extra wide shoulders will inflict more damage on her opponent but insiders suggest Davison’s patented eyebrow waggle followed by a crunching headbutt move could make the difference.

The show begins at 10.30pm on Saturday night, hosted by Martin King and DJ Spiral, with an undercard of Nell McCafferty vs Tom Dunne’s Producer and Andrea Roche vs a mirror.

Life is tough for those forced to leave the Emerald Isle

At Collinstown Airport, a similar tale tugs on the heartstrings. Jack Kennedy-Cruikshank is slumped in the Departure Lounge, waiting for the next flight to Heathrow. He’s been in construction all his working life – six months as an architect’s assistant with Kennedy, Kennedy, Kennedy and Kennedy-Cruikshank, followed by almost a year as chief architect on the Dunnes Stores anchor store at the new CityWest Retail Park – yet now he must turn to the building sites of London, like billions of lonely Paddies in centuries gone by.

“There’s just no work in Ireland, like,” he says. “People are saying it’s like the coffin ships all over again and to honest I don’t think there’s too much difference between then and now. It’s whole communities broken up. Sure I can see young Aubrey Johnson over there in O’Neills Sandwiches, he was in Clongowes with me. I’d go over to him only I nobbed his bird after the Leaving and we haven’t really got on since. And my best mate, Ryan, he’d be here too, both of us together on the emigration road. He’s in New York though, his old man’s the ambassador to Singapore so it was no bother getting the visa, d’ya know what I’m saying? I know a guy who was in St Mark’s the same time as me and he got his MBA two years ago – he’s only had six weeks work since then. He was going round the pubs in South William Street giving out shots of Aftershock. Sure it’s a job, but it’s not a life.”

We leave this shattered city, with the bedraggled Celtic Tiger cowering behind the furniture, to Swinging London. In Waxy O’Connors in Soho, a couple of young Micks off the boats stare into their Carling shandies. Too embarrassed to ask for a pint of the black stuff, too ashamed to call themselves Young Irishmen. One of these sad creatures reflects on the hard times ahead.

“I literally have come over here with six grand in me pocket. And that’s it. That’s all I have in the world. I was out in Krystle before I left and I lost me banklink card, so the old man had to give to me in cash,” says Shaun Kilduff, another of Ireland’s spurned generation. “Me? I have a trade, I have two pairs of hands, I’m here to do an honest day’s work. If you’re a corporate accountant in Dublin these days, you haven’t got a pot to piss in. It’s just like the Famine all over again.”

They head off to try their luck with a couple of Essex bints in the corner, leaving the Irish Sentinel to ruminate on these desperate times. Oh, Charles Stewart Parnell, Theobald Wolfe Tone, Hans Christian Andersen … if you could see these young men now, forced from the crossroads and byroads of County Wicklow, of Old Foxrock, of Blackrock College and the UCD bar.

The Wild Geese have flown, and a nation weeps to see them go.

The bishop hopes rape 'on demand' will bring people back to the church

At a hushed press conference in Dublin’s five star Crofton Airport Hotel, assembled reporters were told by church officials that public perception of child abuse was at an all time low and that the organisation was destined to lose support unless they modernised procedures.

It’s a seachange in thinking from the church, some observers have likened it to Vatican II and modern child abuse victims are likely to find the experience ‘radically different yet equally satisfying’.

“If you think about the old way”, said one bishop, “it was a bit of grooming then off with the cassock and straight down to it. With sexual appetites more advanced due to internet pornography we have to move with the times. We can’t just continue the age old tradition of rutting children like stags in heat. We need to get parishioners more involved. They can’t be kept in the dark anymore, it is down to us to ensure they play an active part in the molestation of children. We have to keep them coming back every week”.

The first new measure was trialled just last night as the Bishop of Ferns, Dennis Brennan, announced details of a new ‘PPR’ or ‘Pay-per-rape’ service.

“The dioscese spent over €8m settling 48 civil actions”, he said. “Some litigants were abused over 60 years ago. Another 13 lawsuits are pending. We can’t go just around raping willy-nilly. If the good catholics of this country want their children to be professionally abused then they’re going to have to put their hands in their pockets.

But we’re mindful of the fact that people want extra quality these days so this will by no means be the last new addition. We hope to introduce a HD service by the end of the year and early next year we’ll have PPR+ which will allow people to pause and rewind live rapes”.

Victim groups have expressed outrage at the idea, with one spokesperson saying “This is beyond satire. If it gets any more unrealistic you’ll have the bishops looking for people to contribute to the compensation the church has been ordered to pay”.

However, as Cowen is about a trustworthy as Gary Glitter in a room full of pre-pubscent Asian girls, reports are leaking from Leinster House than an announcement is imminent. The Irish Sentinel’s well placed political sources tell us it is only a matter of time before the retirement age is raised to ‘death’.

Mary Coughlan likely to retain cabinet seat despite reshuffle

“I don’t want to have to work forever”, said Paddy Madigan, as he queued for his half-portion at the carvery of his local. “I’ve worked my hole off for this country and now that blubbery prick wants me to keep going to so he doesn’t have to pay my pension and he can rape me for the tax to pay for NAMA. I’ll smash his fat face in if he tries”.

Away from threats of violence from soon to be not OAPs the cabinet reshuffle is dominating the thoughts of the Taoiseach. Rumours abound that Martin Cullen has asked to be left out of the next cabinet due to health issues although Cowen is reluctant to dimiss Mary Coughlan despite public and political pressure to do so.

“He can’t shaft Mary”, said our insider. “Cowen knows that as long as Coughlan is his right hand man, so to speak, he looks calm, assured, intelligent and decisive. Put somebody with even half a clue about what they’re doing in there and he’s going to look bad. It’s exactly why Mary Harney still has a job. She’s a partyless hack but Cowen just loves how slim she makes him look”.

For the people of Ireland Brian Cowen’s vanity proves ever more costly.

Israeli ambassador Liam Cullinane

The Israeli intelligence service has taken time out of its quarterly Irish passport panhandling exercise to compare notes about character assassination with the former Minister for Defence, Willie O’Dea.

Speaking on behalf of the visiting delegation, Deputy Mossad boss Finbar McGinty said:

“We were impressed with the direct way Mr. O’Dea tackled his mark. He said to the journalist: this man runs a whore house! Why not report on the whore house that this man run! This is like a verbal pillow used to smother a senior Hamas figure in a Dubai hotel, hypothetically speaking.”

Mossad are still under a very blotted microscope following the assassination of a Hamas operative in Dubai. Yesterday the BBC reported on a statement from Israel that said (and this is true):

“Israel’s foreign minister has said the use of false EU passports by a hit squad suspected of killing a leading Hamas official in Dubai did not prove the involvement of the Israeli spy agency, Mossad.”

Leading comedian Dara O’Briain said: “That is just a fucking awesome response. It’s like ‘just because your pet is roadkill and I have 11 cars registered in Europe, five of them Irish and they all have blood on their tyres, doesn’t mean that we ran over your pet, even though these are the only vehicles for 1,000 square miles and your pet and the eleven of us are sworn blood enemies. That doesn’t prove anything!”

Responding to hypothetical questions about the need for 11 assassins, Mossad’s McGinty said:

“Hypothetically speaking, Steven Spielberg is a big swinging dick in the Jewish world and he fancies a follow up to his movie Munich about a cadre of assassins who kill Palestinian militants in the wake of the 1972 Olympics. Hypothetically speaking.”

When queried about his Irish name, the Mossad boss said:

“I cannot answer that question at this time, please direct all further queries to our head of international relations, Daithí O’Mongáin.”

Back in Limerick, Willie O’Dea sought to divert media focus on his resignation with the announcement that his real name is Ely Shizmann and that just because a political opponent had been viciously defamed, and just because that political opponent was an enemy of his, it didn’t mean he had done the defaming, even though he was recorded on tape doing so.

The press were not to be distracted – until Michael O’Leary farted into a press release – and they pursued O’Dea about his co-operation with any Garda investigation into the matter of the alleged brothel. O’Dea said (direct quote):

“Of course I’d co-operate. How far I’d co-operate I don’t know. I’ll certainly co-operate to the best of my ability.”

One onlooker replied:

“What the fuck is that? This isn’t the fucking cub scouts – we’re not talking about a proficiency badge here! Best-of-my-ability me arse!”

Willie O'Dea smiles through the pain

The Limerick TD was clearly emotional as recent events had been ‘very difficult’ for him in the wake of his allegations against Sinn Fein’s Maurice Quinlivan which suggested the councillor was brothel keeper. As he was further challenged as to whether or not he received the information he forgot he mentioned to a journalist but then remembered after he’d made a sworn affidavit from the Gardai, Mr O’Dea could be heard keening softly ‘No more, no more’.

A Fianna Fail insider told the Irish Sentinel that the Minister was ‘in bits’ and called on the opposition and media to ’stop being so unspeakably mean’.

“This persecution of a great man is beyond the pale. Yes, Willie O’Dea is also a victim. A victim in that he was made pay compensation in a defamation case. A victim in that he has been subjected to the kind of questioning in the Dail that no other politician has ever had to face. A victim in that he is being made tell his ludicrous story over and over again? Have they forgotten that he is a Fianna Fail minister or something? Since when was it acceptable to hold a member of this great party accountable to their actions and, less importantly, their words?”

“It’s been tough on Willie. Imagine how hard it must be to sit there and have your wrongdoings exposed in public when they should have just been ignored the way they are for any other member of Fianna Fail. Those pictures of him laughing smugly only hide the heartbreak and anguish he is feeling at this moment in time. He won’t be seen to be affected but on the inside he is crying like John Waters writing about Katy French”.

And the Minister’s future looked ever more uncertain as a Green Party meeting to discuss their support of the government took place. Well placed sources told us that John Gormley and Eamon Ryan got down on their knees to beg for full support of the coalition and their Ministerial salaries while a number of party members, who between them found an ounce of morality, are determined to ‘do the right thing’.

Speaking on his Twitter account, party Chairman Dan Boyle called for Willie O’Dea’s resignation and set up a Facebook group “I’m just testing the waters here but if I were, hypothetically speaking, to go against the party leadership and continue to condemn O’Dea would you still be my friends?”.

As of this afternoon almost tens of people had joined, all the while Willie O’Dea’s moustache is twitching like a geriatric Yosemite Sam as his political career remains uncertain.

Bird: I'm kind of a big deal

Speaking about George Lee’s brief political career, Keane said:

“He should turn off his phone. It’s basic manners. Turn off your phone. That’s the third time it has rang!” glowered Keane. “The ball shouldn’t have been in the box in the first place!”

George Lee is delighted with the support and is believed to be in talks with anti-smoking giant Nicorette for a joint advertising venture featuring himself, Keane and Kevin Keegan. Nicorette’s head of marketing Lynn Endrawers said:

“We sell quitting, so what we need are high-profile people who are synonymous with quitting. Quitting smoking is one of the most challenging things a person can do. The message we want to send is that smokers should throw their toys out of the pram and walk away from their commitment to smoking. If you can imagine smoking as a hopeful electorate, or some really passionate national football fans, what we want to do is let those people down. Just leave them hanging.”

The trio of useless, quitting turds are said to be very excited about the project. Keegan, Keane and Lee will cover the Billy Ocean classic, ‘When the going gets tough – just leave abruptly and blame it all on management, even if you are management’. New lyrics are said to include:

“I’ll climb any mountain – provided the deal is right and John Delaney killed in front of me”, and; “I’ll do anything – unless it requires perseverance, endurance, the ability to stick with it or anything that prevents  me from toddling off at the drop of a hat because I’m a big baby and I pooped my pants.”

Meanwhile RTE’s other ace-quitter, Charlie Bird is set to return his battered face to national television following a ‘sabbatical’ in America that culminated in a dreadful autobiographical documentary about male loneliness. Sources say that Bird struggled in a country where people were a different colour and it wasn’t cool to point that out.

Back in Leinster House, the jury is still out on whether the Lee debacle is a black eye or a kick in the nuts for Fine Gael leader Enda Kenny. One party insider said:

“Enda Kenny is the Paul McShane of Irish politics. You admire his commitment, but he’s brainless and every time he steps into the fray you’re just waiting for the howling error to come. It’s absolutely unthinkable that he could lead Ireland.”