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April 22, 2010

Volcano to shutdown M50 Northbound at Ballymount

Gay-Gay Phyl
Posted by : Gay-Gay Phyl
Filed under : Irish News

In what commentators are calling an act of God, the M50 Northbound at Ballymount will be closed due to a volcanic eruption in the area. The volcano, named ‘askmebollix’, has led to 750 metric tons of nonsense being spewed into the airwaves every second as gobshites around the country add their tuppence.
Literally hundreds of people [...]


March 24, 2010

Coughlan clears up Fás confusion

Arnold Corns
Posted by : Arnold Corns
Filed under : Irish News, Politics

Speaking to the Dail this afternoon, Tánaiste Mary Coughlan, tried to clear up the confusion surrounding state training agency FÁS after the cabinet reshuffle.
Critics suggested that the Taoiseach had deliberately made the issue bewildering so it would be more difficult for any futher corruption to be unconvered, but Coughlan denied that was the case.
“At the [...]


March 22, 2010

Clontarf residents ‘an example to us all’, says social commentator

Arnold Corns
Posted by : Arnold Corns
Filed under : Irish News

Residents of affluent seaside suburb Clontarf have demonstrated to the rest of the country what needs to be done about the most pressing issues of the day, according to renowned social commentator, raconteur and Ron Watters.
As residents took up their cheaply made signs and Farrah slacks to protest at the opening of a new ‘head [...]


March 15, 2010

Not quite model behaviour as spat heats up

Arnold Corns
Posted by : Arnold Corns

Two of Ireland’s top models will fight to the death in an exclusive live bout on TV3 this weekend.
Rosanna Davison, son of nanny shagging crooner Chris de Burgh, and Glenda Gilson, of no esteemed parentage whatsoever, will battle it out in a caged arena at Dublin’s O2. The pair have been at loggerheads since one [...]


March 3, 2010

Irish eyes not smiling as emigration heartache hits a broken land once more

Posted by : moriarty
Filed under : Features, Irish News

Dun Laoghaire Harbour. The boulevard of broken dreams. A lonely Tayto packet whistles across the rain-spattered jetty, near where the group of Irish mammies are huddled in the cold, waving goodbye to their sons. One of them crushes a fag butt beneath her sodden Louboutins and turns away. She can’t look [...]


March 2, 2010

Church to move abuse ‘into 21st century’

Arnold Corns
Posted by : Arnold Corns
Filed under : Irish News

Catholic Church officials have today announced their plans to revolutionise the whole area of child abuse, says our religious correspondant Paddy Winkletwitch.
At a hushed press conference in Dublin’s five star Crofton Airport Hotel, assembled reporters were told by church officials that public perception of child abuse was at an all time low and that the [...]


March 1, 2010

Cowen to change retirement age

Arnold Corns
Posted by : Arnold Corns
Filed under : Irish News, Politics

Taoiseach Brian Cowen has said there are no immediate plans to increase the existing retirement age for either public or private sector workers.
However, as Cowen is about a trustworthy as Gary Glitter in a room full of pre-pubscent Asian girls, reports are leaking from Leinster House than an announcement is imminent. The Irish [...]


February 19, 2010

Mossad meets Willie O’Dea for character assassination talks

Gay-Gay Phyl
Posted by : Gay-Gay Phyl

The Israeli intelligence service has taken time out of its quarterly Irish passport panhandling exercise to compare notes about character assassination with the former Minister for Defence, Willie O’Dea.
Speaking on behalf of the visiting delegation, Deputy Mossad boss Finbar McGinty said:
“We were impressed with the direct way Mr. O’Dea tackled his mark. He said to [...]


February 18, 2010

“I’m a victim”, says Willie O’Dea

Arnold Corns
Posted by : Arnold Corns
Filed under : Irish News, Politics

In an highly charged interview on RTE’s News at One, Minister for Defence told Sean O’Rourke that he was a victim as the controversy over his Limerick Leader interview continued.
The Limerick TD was clearly emotional as recent events had been ‘very difficult’ for him in the wake of his allegations against Sinn Fein’s Maurice Quinlivan [...]


February 16, 2010

Keano backs George Lee

Gay-Gay Phyl
Posted by : Gay-Gay Phyl
Filed under : Irish News, Sport

King-of-quitters Roy Keane has publicly supported George Lee following Lee’s shock departure from Fine Gael last week. The move followed a tough nine months for the RTE celeb-reporter during which sources say Lee just, ‘couldn’t get his way’.
Speaking about George Lee’s brief political career, Keane said:
“He should turn off his phone. It’s basic manners. Turn [...]