In what commentators are calling an act of God, the M50 Northbound at Ballymount will be closed due to a volcanic eruption in the area. The volcano, named ‘askmebollix’, has led to 750 metric tons of nonsense being spewed into the airwaves every second as gobshites around the country add their tuppence.

Literally hundreds of people are expected to have to stay on the M50 and exit at the N7 and divert from Newland’s Cross. Drivers who endure this horror are invited to a BYOB barbecue at the Mullingar home of Ryanair boss, Michael O’Leary. Beer and wine will be levied at 2,000-3,000% of cost price.

O’Leary made the invitation following a meeting with Department of Transport officials which he described as, ‘calm, measured and very useful’.

“We quickly solved the issues and got onto talking about where our kids are in school and what the impact would be of the Connacht match last night on Leinster’s Heineken Cup ambitions.”

O'Leary has revolutionised customer relationship management

O’Leary came under fire this week for wearing a shirt and tie for his appearance on Sky News last Monday. Media commentators were outraged that the kingpin of ‘fuck you’ flying had dolled himself up for the Brits, when his MO for the Irish media has been a big red jacket, polo shirt and stubble

There is also surprise at the level of public support for O’Leary’s decision to ignore the law and screw travellers for compensation over the furore surrounding the other volcano. Apparently there are a great number of people out there who WOULD piss on O’Leary if he was burning.