Billions of earthlings had their loads lightened this morning with news that global warming is entirely attributable to ‘good weather’. Dr. Rajendra Pachauri, head of the UN Panel for Unsubstantiated Claims explains:

“When the weather is good the planet gets warmer. Luckily this melts the polar ice-caps in line with our increasing need for water. The end.”

Pachauri recently came in for criticism when it emerged that instead of substantiating claims about ‘good weather’ and ‘climate improvement’, he was instead publishing steamy novels with the financial backing of oil companies. His detractors insist that the steam from his romantic fiction constituted a hazardous greenhouse gas and that his novels were hurting the planet.

A spokesman for Pachauri’s publisher said:

“The reason for rebranding ‘good weather’is that ‘good weather’ sceptics lack wide market appeal. People do not want to identify with frumpy, bespectacled protestors and flax-wearing vegans – such people are turds. Look at electric cars. They look like complete shit. What was to stop them designing an electric car that looks like a Lamborghini? Nothing. Nothing but a lack of vision, a diet of soy products and being a pussy.”

In Ireland the ‘good weather’ issue will be spearheaded by the Department of the Environment with the blunting presence of Minister John Gormless. The Minister says he is not opposed to incineration, it’s just that he won’t get re-elected if they build one in his constituency so, in line with the core principles of Irish politics, the national interest will take a back seat to the short-term political future of a publicly elected representative.