Catholic Church officials have today announced their plans to revolutionise the whole area of child abuse, says our religious correspondant Paddy Winkletwitch.

The bishop hopes rape 'on demand' will bring people back to the church

At a hushed press conference in Dublin’s five star Crofton Airport Hotel, assembled reporters were told by church officials that public perception of child abuse was at an all time low and that the organisation was destined to lose support unless they modernised procedures.

It’s a seachange in thinking from the church, some observers have likened it to Vatican II and modern child abuse victims are likely to find the experience ‘radically different yet equally satisfying’.

“If you think about the old way”, said one bishop, “it was a bit of grooming then off with the cassock and straight down to it. With sexual appetites more advanced due to internet pornography we have to move with the times. We can’t just continue the age old tradition of rutting children like stags in heat. We need to get parishioners more involved. They can’t be kept in the dark anymore, it is down to us to ensure they play an active part in the molestation of children. We have to keep them coming back every week”.

The first new measure was trialled just last night as the Bishop of Ferns, Dennis Brennan, announced details of a new ‘PPR’ or ‘Pay-per-rape’ service.

“The dioscese spent over €8m settling 48 civil actions”, he said. “Some litigants were abused over 60 years ago. Another 13 lawsuits are pending. We can’t go just around raping willy-nilly. If the good catholics of this country want their children to be professionally abused then they’re going to have to put their hands in their pockets.

But we’re mindful of the fact that people want extra quality these days so this will by no means be the last new addition. We hope to introduce a HD service by the end of the year and early next year we’ll have PPR+ which will allow people to pause and rewind live rapes”.

Victim groups have expressed outrage at the idea, with one spokesperson saying “This is beyond satire. If it gets any more unrealistic you’ll have the bishops looking for people to contribute to the compensation the church has been ordered to pay”.