Jesus imparts some wisdom to local residents

Councilors and gardaí in Mayo are calling on people to give up bad driving for Lent. Mayo County Council has said that instead of giving up chocolate, beer or hanging around the swimming pool taking surreptitious camera phone photos of pre-pubescent girls in swimsuits, motorists should stop speeding, tail-gating and using phones while driving.

The gardai in Castlebar have backed the call saying that road-users should use Lent as a starting point to change their behaviour for the better. Sergeant Dick Monogram, from Swinford Garda station said “I don’t know why we haven’t thought of this before, tying in obeying the law with obeying the Lord. People over here are scared *shitless* of Jebus. We’ll save lives while the chocoholics, booze jockeys and filthy pederasts can go about their business as normal”.

It would seem the whole community are getting on board, with many pledging to change their wicked ways in favour of nailing a front row seat in the strip club of heaven.

Local slut Sarah O’Toole expressed huge enthusiasm for the scheme. Aged just 16, she made a solemn promise to the lord almighty to “not get the box sawn off me” by every local lothario who so much as beeps the horn of their Vauxhall Calibra at her. Her 7 children will welcome the news.

However, some Mayo residents are unhappy at the council’s suggestion. Mickey Harte, aged 19 from Ballyhaunis, said the religious aspect had scuppered his plans. “I was planning on spending lent driving recklessly, you know. Doing laps of the town, racing knob-ends in Micras, texting my girlfriend at the same time and smoking joints as I burn the rubber of my 95 Nissan Sylvia. How can I do it now though?

I mean, I’ve seen all the safety films and the ads on the telly when the bloke crashes into a garden and lands on a kid playing football and they didn’t make the first bit of difference. All that buck was worried about was his insurance. I could happily ignore road safety advice all day… but you can’t ignore Lent”.

And it seems other counties are looking at Mayo as a new trail-blazer and copying the appeals. Gardai in Dundalk have appealed to shoppers to give up crossing the border for cheaper groceries and carjacking people with samurai swords. Wicklow County Council has urged people not kill their wives with bricks for the duration of Lent while in Dublin there have been calls for gangsters to stop robbing the country blind and abusing power so badly that it affects every strata of society.

So far there has been no response from Dail Eireann. They are currently on holidays for the vampire new year.

: We asked people around the country to tell us what they’re giving up for Lent…

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