There were angry scenes in Dail Eireann this afternoon as the opposition labelled the government ‘a bit shit, really’ in the light of new unemployment statistics.

Aunt Sally was in agreement with Brian Cowen

The latest live register figures show that almost every single person in Ireland is now unemployed but Taoiseach Brian Cowen said the country was being ‘led in the right direction’. To a cacophony of heckling, whistling and some contemplative swearing from Paul Gogarty, Mr Cowen said “You’re looking at it all wrong. Of course if you take the facts in isolation then they look bad. Hundreds of thousands employed. Violent crime increasing dramatically. Houses being reposssessed. Social decline. All of these things look bad but nobody thinks of the positives.

Sure, more people are unemployed but the rate of people becoming unemployed is slowing by up to 0.0003% per month. That’s progress in anyone’s language and let’s not forget that the more people there are unemployed the more jobs there should be for everyone else. And as for crime, there’s a little thing some of us with a bit of vision like to call ‘the future’. How can we dramatically improve crime figures if they don’t get worse first?”

Cowen was backed by Tánaiste Mary Coughlan who said “Oh aye, whatever Brian said is what I think. He’s a wee charmer, isn’t he?”

Labour leader Eamon Gilmore pulled no punches, saying “This government is so clueless you can put that Ray Foley from Today FM in charge and things would improve. Sure, he might be a sub-par, thinks he’s funny but really isn’t, Chris Moyles copycat but I bet he’d get off his zany arse and do something about the crisis this country is facing”.

Having been pummelled by Gilmore, the Taoiseach then faced Enda Kenny, who had the perfect opportunity to deliver the knock out blow but once against spent so long stammering and trying to add a soupçon of cutting humour to his riposte that everyone had gone home by the time he finished.