In light of criticism of the new speed limits arbitrarily applied to Dublin’s streets, Dublin City Council have responded and informed The Irish Sentinel that is just the first in a series of measures to save the lives of Dubliners killed in our capital each year.

Traffic speeds through College Green

“To say some random councillor just thought this up and it got voted in because we don’t have anything better to do, such as providing water to parts of the city that still don’t have a regular supply, is a nonsense”, said head of Health, Safety and Nannyism, Dave Trafford annoyingly using an ‘a’ where there was absolutely no need.

“Dublin City Council is commited to making the city a safer place for everyone. That means drivers, pedestrians, cyclists, Segway users and foreigners. I think people will be more understanding when they see what else we’re going to do. Then there won’t be this disconnect between the people of the city and the people who run this city”, he said, irritatingly using the word disconnect as a noun when it is, in fact, a verb.

The Irish Sentinel can exclusively reveal some of the new measures:

• Pedestrians must pair up and hold hands crossing the road
• Cyclists will be required to wear suits of armour at all times
• All cars to be painted a hi-vis yellow and fitted with spongy bumpers
• Children under 16 must be kept on-lead when walking in the city centre
• A total ban on smoking except in designated areas – former Habitat building earmarked for smoke zone
• New traffic light sequence to go Green > Amber > Red > Really Red

Rumours that a sensible approach to living be implemented, allowing for natural attrition of the population, were flatly denied by council officials who assured The Sentinel they know what’s best, even if it appears they haven’t got the first fucking clue.