The Irish Sentinel can blow its own trumpet this morning, and not in the biblical sense, as we unveil the first pictures of Apple’s eagerly anticipated new device.

Apple go back to basics as hype machine kicks into action

Nicknamed the iSlate it is set to revolutionise communication, networking and and e-reading. Some of the features of the new device include:

• Ecological and environmentally friendly ‘chalk’ with which to write. No faulty touch screens, no copy & paste disasters, just easy to use and easy to wipe away limestone based scribblings
• Top of the range Egyptian slate with revolutionary anti-scratch covering built in
• Battery free! Costs nothing to run
• Comes with rugged wooden border on which all manner of books, magazines, newspaper and periodicals can be supported
• Fully upgradable
• Absolutely no need to ever upgrade
• Highly portable, weighing only .75 kilos
• Wifi, 3G, Edge and 4G compatible (with separately sold iPhone add-on)
• Free wiping cloth

Apple disciple Dicky Bannister told the Irish Sentinel, “Steve Jobs, or should I say Goddy McGod, does it again. While all the others go for unecessary bells and whistles like operating systems, electronics and downloadable content, he’s gone back to basics. And the design? I have to admit that I a bit of jizz came out when I saw it. Not a full splodging, but definitely a bit of stuff that wasn’t quite wee, wasn’t quite spunk. To me that’s the sign this is going to be a huge success”.

Apple plans to sell over 5,000,000 of them in the first week basing its figures entirely on the hype generated by how long people have had to wait for it and a flashy Powerpoint presentation by a man in a black polo neck in front of a select audience later this afternoon.

It is also expected the company will announce a new device aimed at pirates, known only at this stage as the iAye.