Minister for the Environment, and power hungry invertebrate, John Gormley today claimed the introduction of water charges could raise as much as €1bn a year for the exchequer.

Gormley's superior smile wowed assembled hacks despite crude Photoshop reproduction

Speaking to reporters outside the Green Party HQ, a hollowed out tree stump beside Baggot Street bridge, Gormley claimed the introduction of such charges was long overdue with Ireland being the only EU country not to have water metering in place. He also announced a €300m fund to fix defective water mains within the next three years. Reminding people about the Greens achievements in government, such as making lightbulbs and electrical products more expensive and the introduction of a carbon tax which would be used to pay off the national debt rather than provide resources to any kind of environmental project, Gormley then rubbed his chin while unveiling the Blue Steel of political smug looks.

However, the minister’s plans were shot down last night by the people of Dublin who accused him of ‘losing touch with the common man’ and being ‘a thundering bollix of a cunt’. Speaking to the Irish Sentinel, Dave Ryan of Poddle Park in Crumlin said “Charge me for water? What fuckin’ water? Since that bit of snow the pipes around here have been banjaxed. I have to use two bottles of Ballygowan to fill the cistern every time I have a shite and if a shite is costing me that much there’s no chance I’m going to pay for water when they do get it back on. Are they going to refund me every time the ancient pipes spring a leak and we’re having clean ourselves with a scouring pad and some wet wipes we nicked from Eddie Rockets?”

And his neighbour, frail 87 year old Bridget Cullen, said water charges would have a huge impact on her life. “I’m 89, so  I am, and I have to pay for me heatin’ and me messages and me Benson and Hedges and me Jameson which is the only thing which keeps me warm because I can’t afford to pay for me heatin’. Askin’ me to pay for the water is too much an’ anyway them Green lot do be doing nothin’ but screwin’ us if they’re not telling us to fuck off in the Dail in hilarious high pitched comedy voices”.

Experts the world over have described Ireland’s lack of water as ‘worse than retarded’, pointing out that an island nation where it rains 350 days a year having problems supplying water to its citizens is like Australia running out of musclebound, brain-dead barmen to be rude to customers and make shit cocktails in Irish pubs.