Fianna Fail today announced that a number of party members are undergoing what they say is ‘rigorous counselling’ having been subjected to experiences comparable to some of the worst crimes imaginable.

Martin Cullen signs book of condolences to himself

Minister Martin Cullen says press intrusion into his life was like being raped. He was brought to Pearse Street Garda station where a female Garda with a rape kit could find no signs of forced sexual intercourse but Cullen has been receiving treatment from specialists at the Mater Private Hospital, while in Tralee over 50 men queued up to shake hands with the assembled press corps.

Colleague Willie O’Dea claimed criticism of the Defence Forces for not helping out during the cold weather crisis was worse than being a resident at Letterfrack and ‘having the hole torn out of you by a Christian Brother’, and Minister for Social and Family affairs Mary Hanafin went on the record to say condemnation of her plans to cut social welfare in the budget was just as bad as being Josef Fritzl’s daughter, being locked away in a basement for 25 years and being forced to bear your own fathers children.

Opposition spokespeople have condemned such comparisons as ‘unbelievably crass’ but Brian Cowen, who says constant press sniping about his poor performance as Taoiseach is akin to ‘what the Jews suffered during World War Two’, hit back before being driven away by concerned staff in his chauffeur driven Mercedes, using photocopies of his enormous salary to distract him from his trauma.